Proposed during labour but no follow up

[Billiebee]

My partner and I have been together for nearly five years (since 2012). My home state is a 4 hour flight or 3500kms (2200miles) by car away.

 

We had spoken about marriage and initially he was reluctant. (Bit of background: his dad married twice, second wife is my partners mum, now divorced and dad not remarried but still emotionally married to her. Mum has married three times, second husband is my partners dad and has since married again. Her third husband is also on his third marriage). 3 people, 7 marriages.

 

I suggested once, that maybe a reluctance to wed could be from seeing multiple turbulent marriages not work and the stress it has on all involved. He agreed.

 

Mid year 2016 he proposed to me, during labour at the hospital, as said he knew I wanted to be engaged/married before having children. I said yes to the proposal and I don't remember much of it as I was distracted because of contractions, hormones, pain, etc. He told me he was going to propose in a weeks time but bubba came more than a month early. We did not plan on getting pregnant but baby is loved and adored dearly.

 

We couldn't afford a ring which I completely understand and respect, he also said didn't know my size or style. He asked me not to tell anyone as he wanted to ask my father for his permission to marry me. I think that is very sweet and my dad even cried when he asked him!

 

I asked if I could now tell people. He said no because he hadn't told his dad yet. I thought it was weird that he hadn't told his dad and I went along and didn't announce our engagement (I did tell 2 very close friends in confidence that they would not tell anyone) I asked again about a month later if I could tell people and he said no, he still hadn't told his dad. This upset me, but again I didn't announce it.

 

Months later I ask if I can announce it. He acted like he didn't know what I meant and of course I can. I reminded him that he said I couldn't tell people cos he hadn't told his dad and he said he never said that. He said he meant I couldn't announce on Facebook about the birth of our daughter. (I forgot to mention that before. I'm not on fb much and being 3500kms away from 90% of friends and family, it would be a good way to announce an engagement or a birth) I respected his wishes and never got to announce the birth of our daughter or our engagement.

 

About 9 months after bubs was born, I asked if one day he might take me to a jewellers and maybe put a ring on lay-buy (lay away) and he said we still couldn't afford it. That's cool, we've not long had a baby and our money is put into other stuff. I asked if when we could, if he could take me out for dinner or maybe do what he was going to do originally to propose. I specified that I didn't mean propose again, just something a bit special as our engagement was really pushed aside without acknowledgement or even a verbal congratulations or a card, etc. from his parents or friends. He thought that was really weird and got very defensive. I tried to assure him I wasn't attacking him or trying to be negative about his proposal, just that it was very overlooked and we can't even talk about a small engagement party or marriage one day without me being brushed off.

 

I don't expect a big, expensive night out with roses and helicopters or anything like that, just a little romantic time for the two of us.

 

If you're still reading this huge essay, Am I being precious? Am I expecting too much? I don't think I am but it's so hard to talk to him about it and he gets so angry and annoyed with me. Any suggestions? Thankyou xx

[Hollyj]

I think that you expect too little.

 

Do people even know that you have had a child? Have you posted on social media? Are you engaged?

 

Hon, I think his lack of action, speaks volumes. Do you live together? I don't understand the distance?

 

If you want marriage, then this is the wrong guy. I would ask him what his plans are period. No more excuses and waiting around. If he is not motivated, then you need to decide what is important for you and your child.

[fabact]

I agree with Holly. This is not normal and you are short changing yourself.

 

It's wierd not to be able to announce the birth of a child. Not normal. He may be hiding it for a reason. To seem like he's still single or perhaps so as to not close his options.

 

He obviously has issues committing but I wouldn't even blame that on his dad's failed marriages. He needs to grow up.

 

If he wants to take back the engagement proposal then fine, but you should know that. Otherwise you should be able to announce it. And certainly announce the birth of a child. That one is tough to hide!

[Billiebee]

Thankyou for your input Hollyj.

 

I didn't word it properly, I did get to post about our baby when she was a couple of months old. I didn't get to announce her when she was born and haven't announced the engagement at all.

 

Yes, we live together, for about 4 years now. I'm originally from a small town in Victoria, and moved to Perth, Western Australia. I came for work and ended up meeting my partner and staying. So to see family and friends who really care about bubs and myself are so far away and it's a big and expensive trip. A long way from person to person support too.

 

I don't feel like we're engaged. In my head, it didn't really happen. Thankyou for your advice. Im going to ask him where we are headed and if there is any genuine commitment to me and our future, otherwise I'm gone. He has some anxiety which makes things difficult but hard questions and situations in life never are easy. Xx

[RainyCoast]

I don't feel like we're engaged. In my head, it didn't really happen. Thankyou for your advice. Im going to ask him where we are headed and if there is any genuine commitment to me and our future, otherwise I'm gone.

 

i agree. reading this, i feel like you aren't engaged.

[luminousone]

All of these secrets are not healthy and not normal. And I don't understand why you "have" to ask his "permission" for things.

 

Having a baby and getting engaged should be joyous occasions for both of you! If he is not wanting to tell people, then where is the joy?

 

There is something seriously wrong with your relationship. I would let it go, and move back to be near your family for support. However, if you are intent on trying to save this relationship, then the two of you should go to couples counseling to establish healthy relationship skills. Your relationship will not survive otherwise.

 

Now that you have a daughter, you need to think about what she will learn from you by observing your relationship. You will want to be the best role model for her. If she were in a relationship like this down the road, what wisdom and advice would you share with her?

 

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, by the way! Children can add so much depth to our lives.