How do I stop acting this way?

[Lovebroncos42]

Hi all. This may be long, but I'll try to make it as short as possible. Me and my boyfriend have been together a year and a half and have lived together for about 3 months. We love each other more than we've ever loved anyone else, we have a great sex life, were supportive of each other, and for the most part have a great relationship. We've been experiencing some issues with me seeming to get angry and lashing out at him out of nowhere and/or over very small things. Sometimes I just act out of line and can be very mean to him. He gets very upset, but in the moment, it's very hard for me to stop and calm down. It's happened somewhat repetitively, and whereas he used to bounce back quick after these episodes, He's now taking longer to be friendly with me afterwards and is getting worn down to the point he says if it happens again, he can't be with me. Which is the last thing either of us wants. After the last couple times, I've thought really hard about why it happens. And I think it's because I still feel angry/upset about a couple things that happened early on in our relationship/insecurities I have. These thoughts/feelings sit in the back of mind most of the time, but if something triggers me like hearing something that reminds of it, having a drink or two, seeing one of his exes Facebook posts (one of these issues involved his ex), then I start to replay those events in my head over and over and get angry/upset all over again and then pick a fight with him. I should probably also mention that I do have issues with having anxiety in general. I should be over these things since they happened so long ago and I had already forgiven him, but I can't seem to let them go. I think about them all the time and it gives me anxiety which leads to anger directed towards my boyfriend. What do I do? How do I get over these things so they stop interfering in my present relationship? What kind of techniques should I use?

 

I now also feel a great sense of fear/nervousness that even if I'm trying really hard and making progress, if I slip up again, that'll be the last straw with him and he'll be done with me. Which I wouldn't necessarily blame him, but I really want to fix this.

[MissCanuck]

What are these past events you're referring to?

 

And what do you say or do when you lose your temper?

[Lovebroncos42]

One was that when we were in the talking/dating phase, he was still hooking up/talking to his ex and I didn't find out about it until a couple months later when our relationship was official. And although "technically " he didn't do anything wrong, it bothered me a lot and still does when I think about it.

 

Another is me feeling like I may never get what I want out of the relationship because we had a talk/argument early on in our relationship and he said he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't see why a piece of paper should matter.

 

The other is not necessarily something he did, it's just me feeling insecure because he never really shows me off or talks about me on his social media or anything. Which I know shouldn't matter and he is a private person in general, I just think it's reassuring to show off your partner a bit

 

 

Sometimes it's just me being mad and maybe yelling. Other times (definitely less often) I'm slamming doors or ripping the blankets off him when he's trying to sleep. (Definitely not proud of that). When I was a kid and I get angry, I would go in my room and scream and throw things. Nobody ever told me it wasn't okay and taught me how to handle anger

[No1]

Does this issue stem from a previous relationship? Is it possible you merged issues in two relationships into this one?

 

 

It sounds like the base of this is a trust issue. You thought that you could deal with it, but you see that no matter how hard you try to bury is, it surfaces. You cant keep burying it. Here what I have learned.

 

You 1.) forgive and forget and you continue to have a relationship. or 2.) you don't forgive and/or forget and you have to let the relationship go or else it is doomed.

 

Sounds like you are at #1. You thought you did but you haven forgotten. So now you hang it over his head unfairly. So what can you do?

Seek therapy or/and go to couples counseling.

 

You can try to do this on your own, but it will take time and I don't know if your BF will give you that.

 

My two cents