maynards_razorblade69 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Hi all, I’d really appreciate other people’s opinions on what’s happening in my relationship. I apologise if this is a little long. My partner and I had an argument last night that’s left me feeling unsure as to whether I want to stay in the relationship. There were two main threads, one being my contact with other men and the other our sex life, or lack thereof. A bit of background: we’ve been together for nine months and live together. Many of his past partners have been unfaithful to him and a few of mine to me. I wouldn’t say I was a jealous person as a result, but these infidelities seem to have really affected him. So, what started the argument on the jealousy subject was this: I have to go away next month to the other side of the UK for two days for an annual company “do”. Instead of getting the train, which would take five hours and cost the company £200, I’m getting a lift from quite near my home with a colleague (male). We’re driving to the company’s headquarters (many of us work from home) and then he and I – and 50 other colleagues – are getting on a coach to a castle. We'll all stay in a hotel before we all drive back to our respective homes the next day. When I explained this plan to my partner a couple of days ago, he went very quiet. Last night, he asked me why I thought it was appropriate to drive across the country with a man and stay in a hotel with him. He said any “normal” man would be jealous of that. I was totally taken aback. The thought that it might somehow be “inappropriate” hadn’t crossed my mind and I got quite angry, because this isn’t the first time he’s expressed concerns like this – and morphed them out of all proportion, as far as I can see. I began to argue that that wasn’t what was happening at all and this is how the conversation went: Him: “Are you driving across the country with another man?” Me: “Well, yes, technically.” Him: “Okay, so are you staying in a hotel with him that night?” Me: Well, yes, but also with 50 other of my colleagues, male and female.” Him: “Yes, but there you are – you just said you WEREN’T staying in a hotel with him and now you say you are.” Me: “Yes, but that’s not what it is at ALL! It’s a business trip,” etc. He then went on to give me a run-down of all the times men have “propositioned” me (in other words, times in which men have said they find me attractive or asked me out for a coffee/drink – each time I’ve thanked them but said no. There have been only two). My partner has found out about both of them because he saw me exit a coffee shop with one of them after I’d said I wasn’t interested and went on to probe me about what happened and why I was having a drink with another man, and the second because I was propositioned by the boss of a company I was doing some work for and later stopped working for the company because of it. Again, my partner probed me to find out why I was leaving. He brought up the fact I slept with someone a couple of months before I even knew my partner and said he wasn’t happy about that either. He says he’d rather be alone than have to live a life where his partner gets propositioned by men “all the time”, asks why they don't have any respect and accuses me of not telling me about LOADS of other men he assumes have tried it on with me. What does he think I am? I’m not a super model by anyone’s standards! Anyway, I said that I felt his concerns were irrational, that I was in a committed partnership with him, living with him, that I’ve been polite but rejected anyone else that’s shown interest and that I didn’t like to be regarded as his “property”, that I found it flattering when people thought me attractive but that that’s where it ended. I said I am not unfaithful to him and have no intentions of being so, that I shouldn’t be mistrusted or punished for his ex-partner’s infidelities and that I will not stop speaking to other members of the population, male or female, just because he mistrusts them. He said that he would arrange to have drinks with some of his ex-partners so that he could understand my side of the story and that I wouldn’t mind, because I’m not jealous. As it happens, I don’t mind – he can do whatever he likes unless he cheats – but I think it’s quite a pathetic overreaction considering I’ve NOT gone out for drinks with ex-partners. I feel a bit like I’m going mad – am I being unreasonable about this? I’ve never cheated on him or even flirted with other men but I feel like I’m being made to feel guilty for something I haven’t done. Anyway, the second topic of discussion was sex and physical affection. Long story short: he doesn’t initiate any physical contact, whether it’s kissing, cuddling or sex – he even has a problem looking me in the eyes at any point, whether we’re having a chat in the kitchen or on the sofa discussing politics, he always looks at his feet. He turns away when I take my clothes off, he withdraws from kisses, he wants the light off every time we do it, he doesn’t like his body being touched. I initiate every time and often he turns me down. We can go days without kissing or hugging, weeks without sex. I’m a very tactile person and one of the wonderful things about being in a relationship for me is the physical affection, feeling desired and desiring in return, wanted, cuddled, loved. While I understand we have different sex drives, I would like for him to show some enthusiasm when I initiate and initiate himself sometimes, too. Instead, it’s always on his terms and, by and large, we do the sexual acts he wants to do. I asked him as kindly as I could if we could increase the amount of physical intimacy in our relationship and asked if he could summon more enthusiasm about it. He asked me what would make me happy and I suggested we try to be physically intimate 2-3 times a week, if possible, and make an effort to cuddle/kiss each other more on a daily basis. He said he saw no problem with our physical relationship, that this was the most “passionate” relationship he’d ever been in (!) and that he couldn’t keep up with my need for sex 2-3 times A DAY. That’s not what I said AT ALL! He twisted everything I said. He said it worried him that sex was such an important aspect of a relationship for me. I said that it was one thing that was exclusive between people in a relationship; he responded that he’s concerned about what I might be talking to other men about, that’s the only thing that’s different between a friendship and a relationship (again, not what I said…). At this point, I think I just lost the plot a bit in my head and couldn’t remember what point I was trying to make. He made me feel so confused. I suddenly felt really shallow for wanting more sex and affection, but I know I’m NOT being shallow, that it’s perfectly reasonable to want to be physically close to the person you’re in a relationship with. Sigh. If anyone can shed some light on what’s going on here, I’d be ever so grateful. I think he’s battling some deep insecurities but I feel like I'm being punished for those. I’m about ready to walk away, unless anyone has any ideas for salvaging this relationship? Thanks a lot in advance, Maynards Link to comment
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