Post here instead of contacting your Ghoster!

[MissAnthropy84]

I was ghosted nearly 4 months ago by someone who I was "best friends" with and used to date for a short time. We didn't fight and last time I saw him things were fine between us. I got one text a few weeks after the last time we saw each other saying he missed me and he had been busy with some things. I tried texting him 3 different times after that with no response and gave up. About 2 months after my last attempt I tried to call him to let him know the business we had both worked at had sold, and his phone had been turned off/disconnected. I have no idea how long it had been that way. The strange thing is that he hasn't reached out to any of his friends we worked with either. So he basically just dropped off the face of the earth. It's been difficult dealing with this because I would never cut off people I "cared about" without an explanation

[Tygerlyly53]

I was ghosted nearly 4 months ago by someone who I was "best friends" with and used to date for a short time. We didn't fight and last time I saw him things were fine between us. I got one text a few weeks after the last time we saw each other saying he missed me and he had been busy with some things. I tried texting him 3 different times after that with no response and gave up. About 2 months after my last attempt I tried to call him to let him know the business we had both worked at had sold, and his phone had been turned off/disconnected. I have no idea how long it had been that way. The strange thing is that he hasn't reached out to any of his friends we worked with either. So he basically just dropped off the face of the earth. It's been difficult dealing with this because I would never cut off people I "cared about" without an explanation

 

I am sorry that happened to you. I agree that people who supposedly care about you shouldn't do this.

 

Sadly, I am learning that the more I open myself up to meeting new people, the more I am being hurt. Is it just a run of bad luck? Is it where I am meeting them (online)? Is it me? I don't really know. All I know for sure is that I am tired of having a broken heart. Just when it feels like it is starting to heal, it gets broken again. I am afraid that one day, it will be so damaged from being broken so much, that it will never heal again.

[Cope]

You did good by sending him a message. It's what you wanted to do and you did it. Own that. Sure there are "rules" that usually are there to protect us but do not apply to every situation. Following your heart and mind is the most important.

 

They only come back if you don't say anything.

 

You are relying way too much of your happiness and self worth on this guy and any guy to be honest. Who is he to control how you feel about yourself?

 

Happiness comes from within. I've been trying to find a more helpful way to put this but haven't yet. It's YOUR life. He is an option not a puppeteer of it. Relationships are nice and rewarding but only when you are already whole. If not, we tend to rely on the other to make us happy and that's why we get so hurt and obsessed with their approval. Been there, done that far too many times.

 

Don't wait for him to come back. Stop dating for a bit. Work on you, do what you love and never stop doing it, that is what defines us not another person. That is what makes us happy. Do you like to be known as Tyger, (insert name) girlfriend or Tyger the painter? Tyger the musician? Tyger the (passion's name)?

 

Once you nail that, you will never be hurt this much again. You will be able to shrug ghosting off much faster. And no, ghosting is not your fault it's a phenomenon of online dating or just our time. It happens to all of us, men and women and we might also do it too.

[Tygerlyly53]

You did good by sending him a message. It's what you wanted to do and you did it. Own that. Sure there are "rules" that usually are there to protect us but do not apply to every situation. Following your heart and mind is the most important.

 

 

 

You are relying way too much of your happiness and self worth on this guy and any guy to be honest. Who is he to control how you feel about yourself?

 

Happiness comes from within. I've been trying to find a more helpful way to put this but haven't yet. It's YOUR life. He is an option not a puppeteer of it. Relationships are nice and rewarding but only when you are already whole. If not, we tend to rely on the other to make us happy and that's why we get so hurt and obsessed with their approval. Been there, done that far too many times.

 

Don't wait for him to come back. Stop dating for a bit. Work on you, do what you love and never stop doing it, that is what defines us not another person. That is what makes us happy. Do you like to be known as Tyger, (insert name) girlfriend or Tyger the painter? Tyger the musician? Tyger the (passion's name)?

 

Once you nail that, you will never be hurt this much again. You will be able to shrug ghosting off much faster. And no, ghosting is not your fault it's a phenomenon of online dating or just our time. It happens to all of us, men and women and we might also do it too.

 

Thank you, Cope, for continuing to try and beat this into my head. I know he isn't the "end all, be all" in my life. I really do appreciate your kind words and support. Someday, I hope to learn to love myself and see my own value and worth as much as I want others to see it.

 

I feel stupid for thinking he liked me and cared about me as much as I did him. But I also feel he led me to believe that he did. I didn't pressure him to define "us" but I was starting to feel unsure and may have been putting out those vibes.

 

Is it wrong to want to know what I am to him after 5 months?

[Cope]

Thank you, Cope, for continuing to try and beat this into my head. I know he isn't the "end all, be all" in my life. I really do appreciate your kind words and support. Someday, I hope to learn to love myself and see my own value and worth as much as I want others to see it.

 

I feel stupid for thinking he liked me and cared about me as much as I did him. But I also feel he led me to believe that he did. I didn't pressure him to define "us" but I was starting to feel unsure and may have been putting out those vibes.

 

Is it wrong to want to know what I am to him after 5 months?

 

I won't stop!

I really think confidence is the key to this and many problems in life. Since that turn I had a few days ago I feel amazing! And there are not do many things going that great in my life atm, it helps SOOOO much! I control everything other people make me feel. I can't explain it better.

 

Don't feel stupid of course he helped you believe he liked you as well!

Take this as a lesson next time you will tell a guy you don't do casual for long or whatever it is you want. Act as you feel not because you are afraid of losing him. If they don't like what you have to say or feel then you aren't a match. It will still be a disappointment or even hurt a little but trust me, with your confidence restored nothing compared to what you are going through now!

 

It's not bad for wanting to know I just don't think there is a point on asking him now,even if he did reply.

[Tygerlyly53]

No, I am done contacting him. He has made it clear he doesn't like me or want to talk to me anymore. I knew in my heart and gut that he wasn't looking for more but I was afraid to bring it up and always give them the benefit of the doubt. I was thinking of walking away much sooner but I liked him and I ended up getting rejected and hurt. I always seem to hang on too long.

[Katout]

It's been 2 months since he ghosted me. Had NC for the last 2 months.

Hit me today tho,missing him sooo much. Was today for 4 months 😪

[Tygerlyly53]

I am so sorry you are feeling sad. It has only been a few weeks for me and I miss him as well.

 

I think what hurts the most is how easy it was for him to just stop everything. Did I mean nothing to him? I don't see how you can go from talking to someone every day and sleeping with them to nothing without batting an eye. How can someone be so uncaring or unfeeling? Is he not human?

[Tygerlyly53]

I feel so foolish. I still have that shred of hope I will hear from him. I know it is dumb. I should just block his number to eliminate the hope and waiting but that is a huge and final step. I feel I am too weak to do that.

 

Will I ever stop being the one so easily discarded?

[Katout]

I totally understand what u mean. I ask theses questions every single day.

I just don't get it. I thought everything he said was real. I thought he was my soulmate.

[MissAnthropy84]

I just think sometimes people are too immature to deal with their feelings and emotions like an adult. So they just bounce, because it's "easier".

[Tygerlyly53]

I just think sometimes people are too immature to deal with their feelings and emotions like an adult. So they just bounce, because it's "easier".

 

I completely agree with you. I thought he was an emotionally mature man but I was wrong. With age does not always come wisdom and maturity.

 

I am the most non-confrontational, shyest person around and have tried to avoid difficult conversations. But I knew I had to eventually deal with them because it is the decent thing to do. Yes, is uncomfortable but I felt better in the long run.

 

My heart goes out to everyone who has been ghosted. No one deserves to be treated that way and left with so many unanswered questions and doubts. A simple call or text would have avoided so much hurt and in my case, anguish.

 

I have sobbed so much lately, it felt like my heart was actually going to break in two. Damn him for hurting me and making me doubt my worth.

[Tygerlyly53]

I am afraid I'm never going to be happy again. His denying my existence has hurt me to the bone. I just want him to acknowledge me. That everything we said and did together was real. I am so lost. I have been a zombie since this happened. How do people move on from this? It feels impossible. He goes about his life like nothing is wrong and I am completely broken.

[browneyedgirl36]

You CAN be happy again; this is just a bump in the road, and someday, you'll see that.

 

I've been 'ghosted' before -- though back then, that's not what they called it -- and I know how it feels.

 

The most important thing is being able to separate your self-image, self-esteem, and value from this guy's actions. The vast majority of things we all do are NOT about other people -- they're about US. His choice to cut contact is most likely not about you at all, but about HIM and something that's going on in his life and/or in his head. I know it's easier said than done, but PLEASE try not to take it so personally.

 

One thing in your post really stuck out to me" "I just want him to acknowledge me." I remember feeling the same way about my ex, when he would go long periods of time without contacting me or wouldn't respond to texts or calls for long periods of time. I'm going to ask you the same things I had to ask myself when I was having these thoughts: What is so important about his acknowledgement? What do you think it says about you if he contacts you? Why do you think it says something negative about you if he doesn't? In what ways would him contacting you help you? What would you do if he DID contact you, but then ghosted you again?

 

A lot of these questions relate to making your self-worth dependent on external factors -- whether or not he contacts you and what it "means" or "says" about you if he does/doesn't. And, they're related to making your view of yourself dependent on another person's view (or perceived view) of you. This is something to really work on -- making your view of yourself, your sense of your own value, independent of external things and other people. It takes time, but it's worth delving into. A good therapist can help with it, but so can some books; while I'm not a huge self-help book person (though I was quite a while back), I can definitely recommend "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns, and, for the relationship stuff, "He's Just Not That Into You." I know the second one gets a lot of flak, and I admit that, back when I read it, I was afraid it would make me feel terrible about myself (I had just been abruptly dumped by a guy, and then he just disappeared and wouldn't respond to my attempts to contact). I thought, "Ugh! Why do I need to be hit over the head with the idea that a guy isn't into me?! That will just make me feel like garbage!" But...I read the book, and exactly the opposite happened, because it emphasizes that someone not being "into" you isn't your fault -- that people act in certain ways not because of who YOU are, but because of who THEY are -- their own issues, beliefs, personalities, etc.

 

Anyway, I know this is rough. I am nearly 50 years old, and it's happened to me a few times, so I totally get it. The trick is to NOT make it about you and what is "wrong" with you. You're fine. You just haven't found the right guy. I say that with great confidence, based on my own and others' experiences.

[Cope]

Even if I could like your post browneyedgirl36 (on phone) I would still want to post because you need an applause!

👏👏👏👏

 

 

"The most important thing is being able to separate your self-image, self-esteem, and value from this guy's actions."

 

"A lot of these questions relate to making your self-worth dependent on external factors - [..] And, they're related to making your view of yourself dependent on another person's view (or perceived view) of you. This is something to really work on -- making your view of yourself, your sense of your own value, independent of external things and other people."

 

This is exactly what happened to me last week, this realization, put perfectly into words! It took me a long time but it's totally worth it! This point of view solves a lot of problems. I watched a video recently explaining it, I will try to find it.

 

Browneyedgirl36, you rock!

[Cope]

Found it.

Please Google : Sadhguru within you

 

 

[browneyedgirl36]

Even if I could like your post browneyedgirl36 (on phone) I would still want to post because you need an applause!

👏👏👏👏

 

 

"The most important thing is being able to separate your self-image, self-esteem, and value from this guy's actions."

 

"A lot of these questions relate to making your self-worth dependent on external factors - [..] And, they're related to making your view of yourself dependent on another person's view (or perceived view) of you. This is something to really work on -- making your view of yourself, your sense of your own value, independent of external things and other people."

 

This is exactly what happened to me last week, this realization, put perfectly into words! It took me a long time but it's totally worth it! This point of view solves a lot of problems. I watched a video recently explaining it, I will try to find it.

 

Browneyedgirl36, you rock!

 

Awww...thank you! It took me a LONG time to figure all this out for myself; I was the queen of letting other people's actions dictate how I felt about myself -- but once I realized what I was doing to myself, and stopped doing it (finally!) my life got SO much better. It was such a relief -- a burden had been lifted from me.

 

I was bullied as a child, so I was "trained," in a sense, to define myself by what others said or did to me. It took years, some therapy, and a lot of energy and determination on my part, but I'm finally comfortable with me and know that nothing and no one outside of myself determines my value.

[Tygerlyly53]

Awww...thank you! It took me a LONG time to figure all this out for myself; I was the queen of letting other people's actions dictate how I felt about myself -- but once I realized what I was doing to myself, and stopped doing it (finally!) my life got SO much better. It was such a relief -- a burden had been lifted from me.

 

I was bullied as a child, so I was "trained," in a sense, to define myself by what others said or did to me. It took years, some therapy, and a lot of energy and determination on my part, but I'm finally comfortable with me and know that nothing and no one outside of myself determines my value.

 

Thank you for your thought-provoking words, browneyedgirl. I think I want his acknowledgement because, as you said, I have attached my worth to his interest and attention. I feel if I hear from him, then I must matter and I am worth his time.

 

What causes me the most anxiety is wondering why he doesn't miss me. Why am I so easily forgettable? I miss hearing from him so much but it was apparently so easy for him to just forget I exist. He moved on from me so quickly. It makes me feel very bad about myself. I could never forget someone that easily or ever. 😢

 

I downloaded the book you recommended, "Feeling Good." I hope it helps me.

[RuedeRivoli]

Thank you for this thread! It is greatly appreciated

 

Here's my piece:

 

Dear JB (not his real initials, it was in inside joke with my best friend - we used to call him that).

 

I really thought you were different. I really thought you were above the whole lot of guys who play games. The first time I saw you at work, I had this inner feeling you and I would end up together. Although I was going through my own set of issues back then, and consequently could not allow you in, I was already mad for you. God knows I would talk about you all day to A.

 

When you left the company without saying goodbye, I was sad but was hoping we'd meet again someday, somewhere.

 

When we both moved to IRL on year later, without even knowing the other was there, I thought it was "meant to be". When we reconnected last October, I was so happy. Then, I saw a side of you I did not wish to see. The insecure, game playing, alcohol-addicted side. Granted, you were in college and are three years younger, but it does not change the fact that you treated me with utter disrespect. I expected more from someone like you.

 

You ignored me for three whole weeks, came back like nothing happened and expected me to throw myself at you? Of course, I had to take a step back and take it slow. I told you so. You became distant and when I tried to mend things with our January date, by putting myself out there ... you ran off.

 

This coming from someone who told me "I promise I'm not playing you" and who got mad because he was under the impression I thought he was a jerk. Well guess what? You're indeed a jerk, an insecure one at that. You didn't play your game right, thinking I would wind up pinning. In all fairness, although my heart is still holding on, I deserve much much more than what you offered.

 

No one deserves to be treated the way you treated me. Please, don't expect me to make a move towards you, because I trust I made enough efforts as it is. You dragged me though the mud, when all I wanted was to get to know you better. When you were venting about your finances, dislike of this country and job search, I was there! I supported you. Then, when you made some "friends" and found a "job", you dropped me and acted like I didn't exist.

 

Truthfully, I deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and love. These are concepts that did not seem to exist in your mind when we dated. It's all good. I know I will find myself a great guy who will treat me right, while you'll probably remain the same.

 

You hurt my feelings many times, I know I hurt yours too. I cannot demonize you. It is what it is. I am sorry that I hurt your feelings in December, this was not my intent at all. I was extremely genuine in my approach. However, I have been hurt too, and your behavior opened my eyes.

 

I hope you realize what you lost, because I know I do. Even if you don't, I'll still care because that's how much I wanted you. You were too blind to see it, or simply did not want me period ... either way, if you truly cared, you'd be here. You're not, I have my response.

 

----------------------------------

 

 

This is more of a letter ... I probably wouldn't text him this, ever. However, it feels good to put it all out there.

[Tygerlyly53]

I know I sound like a broken record. My heart still hurts from his abandonment of me for no reason.

 

I have tried talking to other men but it doesn't help. I compare everyone to him and it makes me sad. I don't want anyone else. I liked him.

 

I feel so pathetic.

[Cope]

Oh Tyger I know how it feels. It will take a while. Don't worry how you sound! Never be ashamed of what you feel! You have the right to feel like this after the way he treated you!

I know how frustrating it is trying to move on and comparing everyone to the guy you really like. It's horrible! No one seems good enough! But if you take some time to think about how good this guy really was it starts getting easier. I find it good to get out of the house, meet up with friends, keep your mind off him. If dating or chatting isn't helping, take a break from it. There are way better guys out there and you will meet one, I promise!

[Tygerlyly53]

Oh Tyger I know how it feels. It will take a while. Don't worry how you sound! Never be ashamed of what you feel! You have the right to feel like this after the way he treated you!

I know how frustrating it is trying to move on and comparing everyone to the guy you really like. It's horrible! No one seems good enough! But if you take some time to think about how good this guy really was it starts getting easier. I find it good to get out of the house, meet up with friends, keep your mind off him. If dating or chatting isn't helping, take a break from it. There are way better guys out there and you will meet one, I promise!

 

Thanks, Cope. I have been doing my best to keep busy but he still creeps into my mind. When someone disappears the way he did, it just leaves so many unanswered questions. It is horrible.

 

I think I should take a break from dating. All I have met lately are guys who want sex and not dating. Am I not worth being taken to dinner? I am starting to think I am only good for one thing. 😕

[katrina1980]

Thanks, Cope. I have been doing my best to keep busy but he still creeps into my mind. When someone disappears the way he did, it just leaves so many unanswered questions. It is horrible.

 

I think I should take a break from dating. All I have met lately are guys who want sex and not dating. Am I not worth being taken to dinner? I am starting to think I am only good for one thing. 😕

 

@ Tygerly, I am sorry to hear you're still having a tough time.

 

But help me out here.

 

What are these "unanswered questions" you are referring to?

 

There is only one answer, he didn't wish to continue dating you at this time, and didn't have the guts to tell you. That's on him, not you.

 

His reasons are irrelevant in the grand scheme.

 

Focus on you. Let him deal with himself, and his own issues, whatever they are.

 

Going forward, set higher standards for yourself. And don't accept less.

 

Do this early on to prevent your getting too attached.

 

There are lots of men out there, get out and meet them!

 

Be your best self. If you are insecure about certain things, work on improving to become your best self, or a better self.

 

Men will sense it, your vibe, energy.

 

If it's positive, they will be drawn to you like bees to honey, trust me on that!

 

If you continue wallowing in self-pity as you are doing now (no disrespect), you won't get anywhere.

 

Try to enjoy the process, the journey. Be come less attached to the outcome.

 

Not every man will be a good fit, which is okay!

 

It's nothing against you personally.

 

Take care Tygerly, and best of luck moving forward.

[Tygerlyly53]

@ Tygerly, I am sorry to hear you're still having a tough time.

 

But help me out here.

 

What are these "unanswered questions" you are referring to?

 

There is only one answer, he didn't wish to continue dating you at this time, and didn't have the guts to tell you. That's on him, not you.

 

His reasons are irrelevant in the grand scheme.

 

Focus on you. Let him deal with himself, and his own issues, whatever they are.

 

Going forward, set higher standards for yourself. And don't accept less.

 

Do this early on to prevent your getting too attached.

 

There are lots of men out there, get out and meet them!

 

Be your best self. If you are insecure about certain things, work on improving to become your best self, or a better self.

 

Men will sense it, your vibe, energy.

 

If it's positive, they will be drawn to you like bees to honey, trust me on that!

 

If you continue wallowing in self-pity as you are doing now (no disrespect), you won't get anywhere.

 

Try to enjoy the process, the journey. Be come less attached to the outcome.

 

Not every man will be a good fit, which is okay!

 

It's nothing against you personally.

 

Take care Tygerly, and best of luck moving forward.

 

Hi Katrina. I guess you answered my "unanswered" question. He didn't want to date me anymore and was too cowardly to tell me. I suppose I am confused as to why but I am afraid it was because he perceived me as needy because I asked to see him when we had not got together in a few weeks. I hate the words "needy and clingy." So sick of hearing them. Apparently, if a guy shows major interest for 4 months, suddenly backs off and you ask why, THAT is considered needy and clingy. Then don't text everyday and ask to see me and then suddenly stop! Sorry, got a bit angry there. Haha

 

I know there are lots of men out there, but I keep finding frogs or wolves in sheep's clothing. Maybe I am still too hurt and stung from what happened. I need to work on ME and build my self-esteem back up.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I am hanging in there.

[zozolax]

Every time I think about texting a ghosted I just think about how great I am to be wasting my time on someone who's inconsiderate enough to walk away from this gem