Post here instead of contacting your Ghoster!

[Cope]

Hm. Solid advice. Katrina1980

 

I am the one that hasn't reached out to my guy. He has been silent for 3 days now. I have to note though that things were not looking good prior to the silence, that's why I haven't texted him yet. I did intend to text him at some point this week just to be sure, but I haven't really felt like it yet. I do understand what you are saying Katrina and you do have a point.

 

What should I text him? My last text was just something funny from a series of funny things we were sharing atm. He saw it and never replied. Prior to that he cut down on his good morning texts, one time I sent him good morning, he replied with a "peace" emoji (if that matters) and in general I was giving him hints ans stuff and he didn't really respond flirty like he used to. For those reasons and more similar, I decided to not text him back. The more the days go by, the more I don't want to text him, but I know that it will kill me if I don't find out if he will reply to any text I send him now. Actually i think he will reply, so I just have to be ready for any lousy response and not take it too serious and jump of joy if it's lousy.

 

Any suggestions on what to send him?

[ThatwasThen]

Any suggestions on what to send him?

How about: "Did you die? If you didn't, do you want to get together for dinner on Friday?"

 

If he doesn't answer that, consider he died.

[katrina1980]

 

I am the one that hasn't reached out to my guy. He has been silent for 3 days now.

 

I have to note though that things were not looking good prior to the silence, that's why I haven't texted him yet. ?

 

In what way? What was going on that causes you to feel that way?

 

Remember, RLs are like a dance, especially in early stages.

 

In my experience, there is always going to be some pushing and pulling, and occasional ambivalence, not in a bad way, it's just the nature of the beast (so to speak) until both people decide where they want things to go.

 

It's important to remain open to these changing nuances and flexible.

 

That has always been my thinking and that attitude has served me pretty well for the most part, leading to LTRs.

 

In any event, again, please do tell why you think things were not "looking good" prior to the silence, this info may change my opinion.

[Tygerlyly53]

Well, I guess I can't post here anymore since the consensus is to move on and forgt him. Easier said than done. I am still hurting. 😔

 

Anyway, good luck everyone.

[LaHermes]

Tyger.

 

What Katrina said above.

 

"Life goes on and remember time heals."

[Cope]

How about: "Did you die? If you didn't, do you want to get together for dinner on Friday?"

 

If he doesn't answer that, consider he died.

 

 

hahahahahaahahahahahahha

 

I wish I could make plans for this week, but it's sort of LD and again I have to say casual. We agreed on it being casual, I just started to have feelings for him and yes we've been talking for about 1.5 month, and on two dates, been intimate. I can make plans for next week though. What I want from him is to see him again both of the times I will be in his area and if he manages to come to mine. That's about it. I want to see if this is just in my head or if the connection was two sided. Obviously it's not, but I've heard weirder stories. I thought about sending him something funny, we do share a similar sense of humor.

 

 

In what way? What was going on that causes you to feel that way?

 

Basically with what I wrote in my previous post: "My last text was just something funny from a series of funny things we were sharing atm. He saw it and never replied. Prior to that he cut down on his good morning texts, one time I sent him good morning, he replied with a "peace" emoji (if that matters) and in general I was giving him hints ans stuff and he didn't really respond flirty like he used to." and what I am writing to ThatwasThen. We did agree on it to be casual, so to be honest, what he is doing now isn't exactly ghosting, he will probably show up again when he knows we can meet.

 

Remember, RLs are like a dance, especially in early stages.

 

In my experience, there is always going to be some pushing and pulling, and occasional ambivalence, not in a bad way, it's just the nature of the beast (so to speak) until both people decide where they want things to go.

 

It's important to remain open to these changing nuances and flexible.

 

That has always been my thinking and that attitude has served me pretty well for the most part, leading to LTRs.

 

In any event, again, please do tell why you think things were not "looking good" prior to the silence, this info may change my opinion.

 

 

I do see your point and I still think this can be part of the push and pull IF he does share the same feelings with me, I mean if he felt the same chemistry. TBH I think that he is just taking this casually and maybe he saw that I developed feelings(I'm the type of people that everything shows up in my face, I can't hide anything, plus my messages, some of them weren't even hints, they were straight forward, sexual, but straight forward, so I think he backed up. I think that if I send him a message now he might just be sure that I developed feelings for him and that will push him further away. If I don't, I think I might have more chances for him to reply.

 

What else didn't look good besides the things I mentioned above? Hmm...He didn't seem very interested in asking me questions about myself, not that he didn't at all, but just not that eager , then again I didn't ask questions about him either, just a few. Yet he did travel two times to meet me even when one time there wasn't sex involved and he knew it. So I guess I got most of the "not going well" part from our texting? I can't explain it, sometimes it's just a feeling. Like, you know when someone isn't feeling it. Then again, can you tell from texts? I thought I can.

 

Still I don't want to text him yet. I did think of something funny earlier once I read your post. I though about sending it to him just to be sure he isn't talking to me anymore than I thought, if he did want to talk he would, I was the last one to send a message. Im confused again! lol

[Tinalilly75]

Well, I guess I can't post here anymore since the consensus is to move on and forgt him. Easier said than done. I am still hurting. 😔

 

Anyway, good luck everyone.

 

 

*hugs* sweet pea

Don't worry the right man will come along

[Cope]

Well, I guess I can't post here anymore since the consensus is to move on and forgt him. Easier said than done. I am still hurting. 😔

 

Anyway, good luck everyone.

 

You can always post here when you feel like talking about it! It's half the purpose of the thread, I should've added that in the description xD

 

Hugs!!

[katrina1980]

Cope, how did you meet him and how far is the distance between you?

 

Just so I understand, you were sending him straight-forward sexual messages?

 

Had you guys "sexted" prior to this or was this out of the blue? If you had not, is that what you were hoping for? To start sexting with him?

 

Sorry I am a bit naïve with respect to this "sexting" stuff, lol. All the sex I have had has been IN PERSON!

 

Lastly there is nothing wrong with a man knowing how much you like him for pete's sake.

 

If a man is into you, he will LOVE knowing that your interest is so high.

 

Just make sure to not go overboard about it and to maintain boundaries, and NOT allow your anxieties and insecurities to take over.

 

Because that will turn him off, not the fact you have such high interest.

[Cope]

Cope, how did you meet him and how far is the distance between you?

 

Just so I understand, you were sending him straight-forward sexual messages?

 

Had you guys "sexted" prior to this or was this out of the blue? If not, is that what you were hoping for? To start sexting with him?

 

Sorry I am a bit naïve with respect to this "sexting" stuff. All the sex I have had has been IN PERSON!

 

Lastly there is nothing wrong with a man knowing how much you like him for pete's sake.

 

If a man is into you, he will LOVE knowing that your interest is so high.

 

Just make sure to not go overboard about it and to maintain boundaries, and NOT allow your anxieties and insecurities to take over.

 

Because that will turn him off, not the fact you have such high interest.

 

 

Distance is not that far, we're talking 2-3 hours. Yes we have sexted prior to this, we met on tinder, about a month ago.

 

 

Lastly there is nothing wrong with a man knowing how much you like him for pete's sake.

 

If a man is into you,

 

That's the thing, I am getting a feeling that he is losing interest. If I knew he wasn't, I have no problem in showing my feelings. The thing is we agreed to keep it casual and once we met in person I fell for him, the chemistry I felt was amazing. So I tried to tone it down to not ruin our agreement. That is maybe what I did wrong, I am usually straight forward but after some experiences you know, we all develop some sort of defense. I do believe that if he is indeed interested as much as I am, he will reply at some point. I am not expecting this to go further than what we agreed. I know I took it too far in my head, too soon, so I have toned it down a bit so I will be able to enjoy at least the time we have left. Distance gets bigger in a month or so. Do you think I'm the one that didn't show enough interest still?

 

edit: You should try sexting, it's fun!

[katrina1980]

 

edit: You should try sexting, it's fun!

 

Oh I should clarify. My boyfriend(s) and I have exchanged 'subtle' sexual innuendo and such via text, but not straight-out overt sexting.

 

We always preferred to leave a bit of mystery and anticipation in there for when we actually got together.

 

But that said, even if I did take you up on your suggestion for more overt sexting, I don't think I would feel comfortable doing it after two dates, not judging you for it, that's just me.

 

And especially if I felt he were losing interest!!

 

There would need to be a certain level of trust between us. Again, just me.

 

JMO but he may have felt you were pushing, since he never responded to it. Hard to say though.

 

But yeah I agree, IF he's still feeling it, he will respond back eventually.

 

I now think you should hold off on texting/sexting again.

 

in the meantime, stay busy and live your life would be my advice.

 

Keep us posted!

[amj8858]

I agree sexting is fun and may work

[Cope]

Oh I should clarify. My boyfriend(s) and I have exchanged 'subtle' sexual innuendo and such via text, but not straight-out overt sexting.

 

We always preferred to leave a bit of mystery and anticipation in there for when we actually got together.

 

But even if I took you up on your suggestion to overtly sext, I don't think I would feel comfortable doing it after two dates, not judging you for it, that's just me.

 

And especially if I felt he were losing interest!!

 

There would need to be a certain level of trust between us. Again, just me.

 

JMO but he may have felt you were pushing, since he never responded. Hard to say though.

 

But yeah I agree, IF he's still feeling it, he will respond back eventually.

 

I now think you should hold off on texting again.

 

Stay busy and live your life would be my advice.

 

Keep us posted!

 

Oh no, I didn't make it clear. I am not in any way sexting because I think he's losing interest, I would never do that! I'm not that desperate lol! We started out chatting, then we got to sexting, then we met. Sexting is a nice way to build up thigns for when you meet. Of course, thats preferences and for me not with all. So sending him sexual things after we were intimate is not weird. To be honest, he's the one that sent me one first and I replied, to my reply he was like " " . I'm like ? He used to continue this.

[katrina1980]

I agree sexting is fun and may work

 

I have no doubt it can be "fun" but disagree it may "work."

 

I mean the guy is pulling away this is not the time imo.

 

It's akin to sending a man unsolicited sexy photos of yourself in an attempt to increase his interest.

 

In my world, that's called "trying too hard," and "pushing," and would be a turn off to most men seeking a LTR.

 

If a casual sexual RL is all you want, sure by all means, sext away! The sooner the better!

 

But not a serious LTR. Again, jmo.

[Cope]

I have no doubt it can be "fun" but disagree it may "work."

 

I mean the guy is pulling away this is not the time.

 

It's akin to sending a man unsolicited sexy photos of yourself in an attempt to increase his interest.

 

In my world, that's called "trying too hard," and pushing, and would be a turn off to most men seeking a LTR.

 

If a casual sexual RL is all you want, sure by all means, sext away! The sooner the better!

 

But not a serious LTR. Again, jmo.

 

I agree that using sexting to make someone want you more is not the way to go. Only thing I disagree with is if the man participates in the sexting and even starts it, and then dumps you because he thinks you're not serious, than good riddance! I could;nt be with a double standard guy and probably a misogynist.

 

Sexting is another form of flirting or maintaining your relationship, don't be so harsh on it. It all depends on the context of course.

[katrina1980]

Oh no, I didn't make it clear. I am not in any way sexting because I think he's losing interest, I would never do that! I'm not that desperate lol! We started out chatting, then we got to sexting, then we met. Sexting is a nice way to build up thigns for when you meet. Of course, thats preferences and for me not with all. So sending him sexual things after we were intimate is not weird. To be honest, he's the one that sent me one first and I replied, to my reply he was like " " . I'm like ? He used to continue this.

 

Oh okay thanks for clarifying!!

 

And hey I know sexting is the way to go now for many couples.

 

Perhaps next time I am in a serious (or not so serious?) RL, I may try it, should we need to be separated for some reason.

 

I've never had a long distance RL and not sure I would ever want to if I'm honest.

 

I think that would be very difficult, at least for me. But if we were forced into it for some reason, of course I would consider it, assuming I was in love with him and vice versa.

 

In that case, would make the best of it.

 

Anyway, with respect to sexting, my approach has always been more subtle tis all.

 

But hell, I am always open to new ideas!

[katrina1980]

I agree that using sexting to make someone want you more is not the way to go. Only thing I disagree with is if the man participates in the sexting and even starts it, and then dumps you because he thinks you're not serious, than good riddance! I could;nt be with a double standard guy and probably a misogynist.

 

Sexting is another form of flirting or maintaining your relationship, don't be so harsh on it. It all depends on the context of course.

 

Sweetie, again to clarify, I was not being 'harsh' about it, not at all. Nor am I judging and apologize if I gave that impression.

 

As I said in above post, I realize it's the way to go for many couples.

 

I'm just more subtle about it, preferring to imagine and anticipate what we will do when we actually get together! That approach has most definitely worked for my boyfriend(s) too!

 

Saying "just enough" so he imagines, fantasizes and anticipates!

 

And trust me, when IN the bedroom I am no prude! I'll just leave it at that for now though.

[Cope]

No worries, I hesitated to use the word harsh, I'm like she's not being harsh, so I understand!!

[katrina1980]

 

I've never had a long distance RL and not sure I would ever want to if I'm honest.

 

 

Another minor clarification.

 

Cope, you said you and your guy were 2-3 hours away (by car)?

 

I could definitely do that, in fact that would be ideal actually. At least initially.

 

We would both do our "thing" during the week and spend weekends or every other weekend together.

 

Sounds good to me! I kinda like my space so it would work. Again, at least initially.

 

When I said I wouldn't want long distance, I was thinking more like across the country (California ---> New York for example), or another country altogether, which some couples manage to do quite successfully.

 

For me, I think that type of distance would be difficult to sustain for the long term, although like I said if forced to, I would, assuming our love (and bond) was strong and deep enough (before the separation) to handle that type of distance.

 

Hell I'm open to anything really, it's very rare when I rule anything out before giving it a shot.

 

Anyway, keep us posted on your situation okay?

 

And good luck!!

[Cope]

I wouldn't do LD again. Now he's not exactly LD, but he will be in a month. It's one reason I think he might've backed off, but still I'm sure he's just keeping it casual as we agreed. I would do it if I saw that this was something special but I don't think we have the time to see that even if he was communicating.

 

I still haven't sent him anything but I woke up missing our interaction so much. I know it's silly but I got attached. I'm still torn between whether he's not texting because he thinks I'm not interested as much or because he's not. Maybe the first is just my wishful thinking because every time I think of it I still conclude that I was very open. Next week I will be around his area and I wonder if I should send him a text. I mean why not, right? That's casual. That's what I would do with anyone else.

[katrina1980]

Cope, you are obviously really diggin this guy, so my advice is lead with your heart.

 

Don't hide or run away from feelings (or anything), like I've done (much to my detriment in more ways than one).

 

I'm trying to be braver and more vulnerable though, but old habits are hard to break, so still have work to do but I'm learning!! Baby steps.

 

That is why I am not really even dating right now, until I get my **** together. I definitely need a change!

 

Not sure you can identify with that, but my point is, again, be brave, take a risk and go with your heart.

 

Question: Do you really want just casual or are you only saying that, or trying to convince yourself of that, because that is what you originally agreed on, and you think by wanting more and telling him that you will lose him?

 

If so, don't. It's not honest. It's hiding.

 

Look I am not judging you because I have done all sorts of compromising myself in my relationships (one in particular, long term, engaged) and only ended up screwing "myself" up.

 

If you really truly only want casual then nevermind, but that is not the sense I get.

 

And girl, there is nothing silly about getting attached!! Get that notion out of your head, okay?

 

Feelings are never silly. Never ever.

 

So you said you are gonna be in his area next week? Yeah, send him a text letting him know. I think you will regret if you don't.

[Cope]

Thank you so much for this, I really needed it. I can relate a lot. I used to always be myself, since I started this casual thing I started hiding and Ofc I have a bad experience with an ex that makes me a bit afraid sometimes to move forward.

 

Yes I really dig this guy. I am telling myself that it's something casual, you're spot on. I would like more from him because I felt this excellent chemistry BUT I am not ready for a relationship, or at least not like the ones I was used to. If this guy turns out to be able to fulfill all the things I need in a relationship, then I would give it a go. I know I am saying one thing and then the exact opposite, but it's how I've been feeling lately. I am not looking for a relationship probably because I know that what I'm asking for is too much. I want someone who supports me and is ok with me following my dreams. I want someone who can give me freedom too as I will do the same. I think I'm looking for something that's not there. So although I still have things to do for me, if I stumble upon a guy who can give me these things, Ofc I will go for it. This is why I decided to start casually dating.

 

I like what you wrote because I get influenced easily sometimes and forget to follow what I want to do. So I will send him a message when I go to his area. I might even send him a message earlier. It's not that we're fighting or something. Hell I might even be surprised with his answer. (doubt it though)

 

I do have to stop feeling bad about having feelings, again, spot on.

[Cope]

I'm torn right now. Mostly because I realized that I really need to figure out what I want for me and in extend from this guy. I think that's the key to everything. If I figure out I don't want a relationship, everything will turn casual and easy. If I figure out that I could want one with him... I don't know. I don't think I want one. Every time I think of me in a relationship, I feel trapped. So these thoughts will probably lead me where I need to go. Freeing my mind from all the hiding and "games" and just be myself, a person who is single and free and if this one is a good match for me it will show. Does it really matter if I don't know exactly what I want from him yet?

 

Venting at it's best! xD

[Tygerlyly53]

I feel so sad today. I miss him. I am fighting the urge to contact him. Why doesn't he miss ME? How can someone talk and sleep with someone else for 5 months and then not care if they are dead or alive?

 

I know I am not supposed to care and move on. Sorry.

[Cope]

I'm so sorry you feel that way. That's how I woke up today too.

 

But, I did finally text him because basically, I felt like it. It was a bit humorous and a simple how r u. He answered in a couple of minutes with pictures too. So I guess that's good news. At least I'm not being ghosted officially. I am trying not to analyze it. See it as it is, something good and move on with my life. If he texts me again, which he did mention in his response, I will be happy. If not, it's OK. I have already learned A LOT from this, so it's a win win.