Do I still have a chance?

[Mcasa1026]

My boyfriend and I started long-distance relationship not long ago. Everything was great in the beginning. However, he got mad at me over some texts I sent last Friday. (Texts were kinda emotional because he was at work and did not respond my texts/phone calls for a while)

Since we just started long distance, I was super sensitive. We lived together before I left and everything was great. We were talking about getting married, kids, and so forth.

 

He was upset over my emotional texts and asked me why I was so mean to him. I still don't think my texts were mean. (my texts were like: I feel I am the only one who still cares, etc. ) He said that in the future he would stop texting me/calling me, etc. I didn't want to make him do things he didn't want to, so I said "I guess thats it", meaning that if you don't want to keep regular touch with me, then there's nothing we could do

He was like "are you trying to break up with me?" "better that way?"

I said "no, it's just I was frustrated about how you like to communicate in the future.

 

We were exchanging texts the whole time and I felt it's better to call and talk on the phone.

He didn't want to answer my phone call, and said that he's not going to talk to me tonight, if I kept calling, he's gonna block my number.

I felt kinda upset about how he reacted, because I didn't think I did something wrong (nor did he, he was complaining about me making accusations of things he didn't do)

So I said, "block my number." The reason I said that was because I was really upset and afraid that I would keep calling and bothering him. Maybe it's better for him to do something to prevent further damages.

 

He asked me if I was serious. I said yes. Then he blocked me, but later unblock really fast. I stopped calling him because I knew he didn't really want to do that. I might as well just leave him alone for that night.

 

The next day, I was trying to reach him again. (his phone rang - he didn't block me) but he also never picked up my calls, nor responded to my messages.

I emailed him and said that we needed to talk. He replied and asked what I wanted to talk about. he thought that we had come to an agreement (breaking up).

 

I replied and told him I was not sure about what kind of agreement we actually made. If breaking up was what he wanted, at least he should be firm and clear.

 

Of course he didn't respond as I expected.

 

I started panicking a bit, so I sent him two emails, one expressed my love for him; the other one was my apology, my regret and how grateful I was to ever have him.

 

He later responded as below:

 

Everything will be ok, don't worry.

 

It makes me sad to hear that you are frustrated, I really hope that you can be happy soon. You are a very attractive, intelligent, ambitious young girl that can achieve anything you put your mind to.

 

Please realize that words do mean things, you asked me to block you number, I took this as a cry for help... I feel that deep down inside you want to ultimately break up and just need a little help from me to block you from contacting me; I'm doing as you wish.

 

You are the only one that ever brings up breaking up, I've lost count of how many times you have told me "this is it" or "block my number", or brought up breaking up. This means a lot to me. If these are just emotional outbursts, how do you foresee an actual future together? Do you suppose that it is healthy to be in a relationship that considers breaking up every month or two? What if kids are involved? It is not healthy.

 

Regarding Friday... I just came home from work, looked at my phone and saw a bunch of accusations and drama. I was punished for doing nothing wrong, and as much as I truly care about you, I don't want to be in a relationship like that, I'm sure you wouldn't either.

 

I did not want to break up and thought everything was going so smooth. I was looking forward to catching up with you after work and FaceTime over the weekend... but time after time, no matter what I do... it is never enough.

 

Of course I still care about you tremendously and hope only the best for you. I really hope that you will eat and sleep. Just rest assured that everything will be ok.

 

I do not know how to respond to this email as I can't see a clear message here. I feel there may be two stories in it, but I am not sure.

Are we actually broken up? Is there any turning back?

[glitterfingers]

The message is actually very clear. He loves you but he's sick of the drama and on again off again dynamic. You need to stop. But you've let your emotions get the better of you and gotten into a really bad pattern, so it's unlikely that you're going to find it easy to stop this bad behaviour that you keep doing.

 

You've obviously got a lot of insecurity that you're bringing into the relationship and it's caused the relationship to break down. Think about things like this: Why does he have to respond immediately? If he got back to you even the following day but he was loving and took plenty of time and care to show you that, would it be okay that he doesn't always respond to texts so quickly? Why is it that if one thing goes wrong you feel like this is the end of the relationship? Why do you feel you have to verbally say it's the end? Are you afraid that if you don't say it first, then he'll string you along, or blindside you by breaking up with you? Do you think this is a healthy mindset to have about a long term relationship? You should not be in a relationship which causes you to feel constant anxiety and insecurity about the future of the relationship - whether this is because of your own issues, or an incompatible partner.

 

I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself and that it's probably for the best that you guys take some time apart. If you do still have a chance with him, you should respond by saying that you recognise you've got a lot of issues to work on and that you are sorry it's gotten to this point. That you love him, want to be with him, and want to improve so you are going to take responsibility for these issues and start healing and trying to learn how to respect his space and differing opinion without feeling threatened. Tell him that the reason you fret about the relationship ending is because you're insecure and afraid of losing him, but that you're going to use the space that the long distance has given you in order to work on understanding this and stopping the pattern before it goes any further. Don't beg him to stay, just tell him you're going to try harder, and let the decision fall with him as to whether he can stick around while you work on your issues.

 

Sorry I can't be of more help. You probably would benefit from seeing a therapist to talk specifically about how to be more comfortable in your relationship and why you feel so anxious

 

At the moment, your behaviour is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are so scared that he's going to leave that you keep pushing him away and giving him no other choice

[MissCanuck]

Based on what you've written and his email to you, yes, you are broken up.

 

He sounds very frustrated and has reached his limit. I take this is a regular occurrence? All this blocking, unblocking, texting..it's exhausting and juvenile. I am not saying you're the only one at fault, by the dynamic between you two had become very unhealthy and not conducive to a long-lasting relationship.

 

As for whether there's any turning back, it's hard to say. He doesn't appear to even want to talk about it right now. All you can really do is acknowledge your own role in the situation, let him know you would like the chance to make things right, and then give him space. He might not be willing to consider that, but there's not a lot more you can do at the moment. You also need to think about how to control your insecurity (what is he referring to by "accusations"?) and regulate your own emotions.

[Capricorn3]

I agree with both posts above. He's tired of all the drama and I can't say I blame him. It all sounds so exhausting. You two are incompatible and I highly doubt you'll ever have a successful, healthy and happy relationship together (imo). I would say learn from all the mistakes and learn how to control your emotions etc. Maybe even seek therapy for your major insecurities to help you in future relationships.

[Hollyj]

I would also suggest that you stop with all the guilt-tripping.

 

Why are you always threatening to break up? Why did you feel he didn't care? How quickly do you expect him to respond to your texts?

 

I also think that you need to address your insecurities. This can be very draining,

[Hollyj]

You broke up in March, too? You two have only been together a year, and have too many problems.

 

I do not think you are compatible.

[Mcasa1026]

True. The message is really clear, I just chose to ignore it.

My boyfriend is also aware of my insecurity issue and that I am an attention seeker.

 

I will work on my own problems. Thank you so much for the feedback.

[MissCanuck]

True. The message is really clear, I just chose to ignore it.

My boyfriend is also aware of my insecurity issue and that I am an attention seeker.

I will work on my own problems. Thank you so much for the feedback.

 

And this is why he broke up with you. Most guys are not going to tolerate that for very long; they will seek out more peaceful pastures elsewhere.

 

Do work on yourself so that your next relationship is healthier. Good luck to you.