My boyfriend's wealth makes me upset?

[Inawonderland]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now, and we're best friends. Our communication is wonderful, and we have the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. However, my boyfriend comes from an extremely affluent family, while I come from a relatively poor family. Most of the time this doesn't bother me because he's made a great effort to never unintentionally flaunt his wealth. Currently, he's away with his mother on a week long "mindfulness" retreat, and along with airfare, it cost $2000 per person. Every time he keeps texting me telling me all the things they're doing such as a day of silence with no eye contact, or hours of meditation, I just can't help but to feel EXTREMELY annoyed and almost angry because of how much they're paying to simply do that. That's several months worth of rent for me, rent I work hard for at a minimum wage job hours on end because that money isn't something my family or I have. He's had some difficult times lately and he's feeling much better because of this retreat, so I desperately want to be supportive, yet I just get so frustrated any time he talks to me about it because I can't help but to think of all the money he's spending Willy Nilly. How can I be supportive while not wanting to hear anything about this trip/feeling so annoyed at the money aspect?

[Seraphim]

By considering he has had a rough time recently. And even wealthy people have rough times and need a mental health break. By considering his feelings.

[rosephase]

I get it. It's hard when someone you are close to has a bunch of privilege and opportunity you don't. I would tell him that it's something you are aware of and that you think about. Not now, but after you are away from the annoyance has passed. Other than that? How does he treat you? How does money play out in your day to day relationship?

 

I would also work on feeling happy _for_ your partner. It sounds like he is getting something positive out of this trip. So it's not willy nilly spending... it's just spending on a different scale then you feel comfortable with.

[nutbrownhare]

With his texts, he's telling you about his mindfulness exercises, isn't he? Rather than going on about the money? And it's you that keeps bringing up - in your own mind at least - the amount of money it's costing? (If he IS talking about how much it all costs, in the midst of his meditations, then he sounds like a prize jerk and isn't likely to benefit - but I didn't get the impression from your post that he was).

 

I think the real issue here is that you feel dissatisfied with your own income and circumstances, and that would be the case no matter who you were dating. If there's a way you can increase your income then do so; otherwise recognise that your worth as a person is not measured in $$$, and your income would be your income regardless of what he is or isn't spending.

 

As to being supportive... recognise that emotionally we are all equal, no matter how rich/pretty/intelligent we are. We are all capable of feeling sad, angry, frightened and vulnerable. What you bring to the table is yourself, and your own personal qualities - not what your parents own, or who they are.

 

I was made very aware of this at the age of 16; I came from a very poor family, in a very deprived area - but I was bright academically and got a free place at a fee-paying school. Someone in my year, who came from an extremely affluent family, was very snobby and clearly looked down on me. She wanted to do a college course in silversmithing and jewellery - but couldn't, because she was **** at art. I realised with a jolt that, for all her wealth, she couldn't do what she wanted in life for want of a talent that I'd been born with. She could look down on me all she liked, but nothing would change that.

 

Your guy has been through some difficult times. Money doesn't protect you from emotional pain, so stop concentrating on the money and concentrate on him. Concentrate, too, on your own wonderful personal qualities. Someone like your boyfriend is going to be attractive to gold-diggers, so think about the reasons he's chosen you.

[abitbroken]

Why not tell him you feel unequal that he can afford vacations and you can't, and does that bother him? He may have had his share or shallow girls from wealthy families who only care about the car he drives and may be dating you because you are genuine and he doesn't care about what money you have or not. This is about your insecurities, not about him.

[Hollyj]

It sounds like you are in the wrong relationship, as you should be happy for him.

 

The money that his family spends, is theirs to spend. As long as the spending does not affect you, then it is none of your concern.

 

How old are you? Are you in school?

[glitterfingers]

So, this is a very interesting topic because it addresses some things that really go well beyond the surface level of behaviour that you see in relationships. It's also the reason that you often see people with similar socioeconomic backgrounds pairing up with each other, because the way that someone is raised and taught about money (i.e. the values that are instilled in them) can have a significant impact on how they view their place in the world, the opportunities that they seek out, and of course the spending habits that they do and don't feel comfortable with.

 

A great example of this can be seen when you have friends who come from different cultures, particularly impoverished cultures (such as China/India). I have had many Indian friends in my life and their outlook on money and wealth accumulation is worlds apart from many Westerners. Because they see poverty and pain almost as soon as they walk outside their front door, they tend to be a lot more frugal with money and resources (not wasting food or buying unnecessary clothes, etc). These things never really occurred to me because my family growing up was very wealthy, and while we were taught to be "smart" with money, we were taught to be smart in terms of how we invest it and position ourselves to make a return on the funds that we choose to spend. Cutting costs was a part of this, but certainly not to the extent that I have seen other individuals do this (and I had to teach myself how to do this when I left home, whereas those with less money are raised with a lot more "street smarts" in that sense).

 

It is a matter of perspective, and neither is necessarily right or wrong. This is an unfortunate consequence of the society that we live in. I would challenge you to, rather than feel angry and upset, try to be introspective and challenge the perceptions you have about money and how it should and should not be spent. If you're at all interested, I would recommend a book called "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" by Robert Kiyosaki - it's a famous book so most local libraries will have a copy. Some aspects of it may be uncomfortable, but the most valuable thing I got out of it was an insight into the way that people view money based on how they are raised, and how this translates into their approach to wealth accumulation as adults.

 

Take some time to think about this before you react and shame your boyfriend for how his family chooses to live.

[Generica]

I really like what glitterfingers said.

I dont think you should try to deny that jealousy because you feel the way you feel and you cant deny your feelings with any real success. Bottle it up and itll eat.you alive. BUT i do think you could work on changing your perspective. Instead of.thinking he should see things.from your point of view, try to see them.from his. You might not wish him to change so much if you can understand and make peace with where he comes from and his different upbringing and lifestyle.

 

In reality, a part of you wants him to live a deprived life because you live a deprived life but that's just mean and nasty so change your perspective/attitude. You're better than that and you know it.

[Unreasonable]

I get it. I pretty much unfollow any facebook friend that is constantly talking about their extreme abundance of vacations and posting all their travelogues, while I'm a contractor, have no PTO, and lose hundreds of dollars ON top of the cost of the trip, so I go somewhere maybe every 5 years. I, however, am cognizant that this is kind of my own doing, and also is deeply rooted in jealousy, which I just avoid by tuning them out. If it was my SO, I couldn't do that, so I would work on my jealously, rather than expect them to change for me.