Feeling confused about our relationship

[JayBo]

So I'll sum this up as quick as possible. I met this girl last year December, she had just ended things with her fiancé in November (Red flag I know) but I pursued things anyway, our personalities just clicked and the sex was amazing. We stayed casual until around late Feb, she wasn't ready to commit and was still chatting to other guys to see what she wanted which I agreed to. She did sleep with another guy in Feb which I only recently found out about which I'll explain just now.

 

In March she said she wanted to be exclusive which didn't exactly happen on her part, she was still messaging other guys and when I picked her out about this she begged me to stay with her and promised to cut contact with these guys. This never really happened and caused massive fights with us. She did show me the messages and it wasn't really anything to be worried about except one guy which caused yet another fight. I still stuck by her word that she will cut contact with him which only recently happened in June (now) I threatened to message this guy after he sent her a explicit pic. She broke down in tears and told me she sent him some pics in April but she said she wasn't the same girl back then and never appreciated who I was back then. I must add on that I questioned her as to why this guy was messaging her again and she didn't know, so she lied to me, I literally had to question her until she cried and told me she sent him pics. She sent him pics after she came out of hospital and I stayed at her place for 3 weeks looking after her while she recovered, feeding her, bathing her, dressing her and just being a good guy. Again I believed her that she was sorry.

 

Since May things have super smooth with us (except this event with the explicit pic). We are official and she makes me happy and I do love her. She's been great with telling me if any guys message her (I told her I don't expect this) but she says she wants to earn my trust back because she wants to be with me and sees me as "The guy she's meant to marry" she says I've made her a better person and she doesn't understand why I've stuck by her but she loves me and wants to prove it.

 

However, I still have this massive feeling of distrust. I proved this to myself by going through her phone and messages which was so wrong but I was eating myself up thinking about what she's done because she's been extremely clingy lately which I don't mind at all, I kind of enjoy it. There was abolsutely nothing on her phone except that same guy that messaged her yet again, but she responded that she's got someone in her life that makes her happy and she doesn't want to talk anymore. I also found out she had sex with this guy in Feb just 2 days after we had unprotected sex and I slept over, she told me it was a week after but the messages say otherwise. So she lied to me.

 

I had this amazing job in another country which I got offered back again and I just feel like it's something I want to do again. I was so happy there by myself, things worked for me. I was in a great financial standing and I got to travel the world. I'm 28 and think marriage is something I want in my life, but why do I feel the need to leave her? She says she loves me and she can't wait to travel with her and do all these things. I just feel guilty feeling this way. I love her but do I love myself more? Can I trust her? Can she truly make me happy? Those are questions I ask myself everyday. I live with her now and I feel trapped, but this is my first proper relationship in 7 years..... is this normal?

[Hollyj]

You can't trust this woman, but you already know that? She is still disrespecting you to this day.

 

Take the job and move on.

 

If she were really done with the guy, she would have blocked him. She is an attention seeker.

[JayBo]

You can't trust this woman, but you already know that? She is still disrespecting you to this day.

 

Take the job and move on.

 

If she were really done with the guy, she would have blocked him. She is an attention seeker.

 

Thanks for the reply. I probably should have added she did block him on fb, ig and other social media. It does seem like she's genuinely putting in an effort to earn my trust, but I still feel weary at this point, I wish leaving someone was easier, but should I feel guilty doing it? I'm 28 and this is the first time I want to break up with someone

[Jeetsun]

I'm 28 and this is the first time I want to break up with someone

 

This is exactly what you should do. Of course it's not easy to break up with someone, its hard to do and the run of emotions are intense and painful. However, you're going to save yourself a lot of mental anguish by breaking up with this girl. She's already betrayed your trust and like Holllyj said, she's an attention seeker, probably has low self esteem and needs constant validation/ego boosts from anyone she can get it from. She strung you along once and lied to you numerous times, I'm willing to bet you its going to happen again. You yourself know this based on how you're feeling about the relationship now. If you stay with her, you'll constantly be second-guessing everything she tells you and will always wonder what she's doing or who she's doing it with when you're not present.

[MissCanuck]

Good grief man, why are you living with this woman?

 

Get rid of her. She is dishonest, dishonorable and loves attention from men who aren't you. You have barely gotten to know her and look at how craptastic she's been already. She will do this again, and she will get a lot better at hiding it.

 

You're feeling so uneasy because your gut is screaming at you that she's a bad seed and poor choice for a partner. No, you can't trust her. She doesn't love you. And yes, you should love yourself more. Unload her so you can work on strengthening your boundaries and finding a higher-quality woman. This one is a total waste of your time.

[SooSad33]

She was engaged? So I guess it was a long term involvement? Not good

 

Plus- she's involved with you, so soon after and more guys? Whoaaa....

 

she says she wants to earn my trust back because she wants to be with me and sees me as "The guy she's meant to marry"

- Reality Check...>> Not so long ago, she finished a relationship of whom she was supposed to 'Marry'... this gal is sumthin!

Way too much.. too fast! ( Red flags...).

 

She is unstable and way too confused.. and needy. Not ready for YOU.

 

However, I still have this massive feeling of distrust. I proved this to myself by going through her phone and messages which was so wrong

- Yup. Lack of trust?? Okay... that right there is bad! No trust... goin thru sumeone's phone?

This is all.. wrong.

 

Anyways, so doing that, you now know enough... right? She is far from ready to 'be a decent partner'.

 

Many times, women can get 'emotionally involved' much faster than men. BUT, in this case, I do NOT believe this gal 'loves' you. She is needy and confused.

 

Can she truly make you happy? If you aren't happy now, then it's gone south.

 

You live with her? What the.... for? Omg man.. slow it all down and get Yourself together.. and soon!

One should not feel Trapped!

 

I suggest you get your own place.. Asap. And truly think... again on all that you've gone thru.

 

IMO.... it's best to not keep on with her.

 

Get out of it all.. work on healing.. then moving on with your Life again, with someone, someday who is all there. And mentally/emotionally Stable. Don't get lost.. with this one.

[Hollyj]

Thanks for the reply. I probably should have added she did block him on fb, ig and other social media. It does seem like she's genuinely putting in an effort to earn my trust, but I still feel weary at this point, I wish leaving someone was easier, but should I feel guilty doing it? I'm 28 and this is the first time I want to break up with someone

 

Yes. It is very difficult, even if they have put you through the wringer.

 

How was he able to text her, if he was blocked? Why hadn't she blocked these guys from her phone? OP, she has not completely blocked. She is leaving herself open to communication, but in a more private form. How are you going to feel if you need to police her phone all the time. That's not a relationship.

 

You know in your heart what needs to be done. The is who she is.