Lilbirdie Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 Hi, I recently found out that my fiance (together for two years) has recently created several dating profiles. I was using his computer to check my email as I usually do and saw that he not only had an active Plenty of Fish account stating he was single and looking for a relationship, but had sent many messages to women, about twenty total. Most of the messages were him asking them out "tomorrow night", "this weekend", etc. (It just happened to be the weekend when I was out of town). Only one of the messages had gotten a reply, she messaged him back saying hi and he asked if he could come over to her house for sex (in the middle of the night when I was out of town!). She turned him down. I was so hurt and in such shock that I started moving out right after I saw the messages. After I had moved out, I agreed to meet with him to talk and I asked him if he was on any other dating sites. He said no. Well, of course I checked! And I found many more profiles. Tinder, Bumble, Christian Mingle, Zoosk, Match, Eharmony, and also a prostitute review site. All saying single, looking for a relationship, all created recently, while he was with me. Engaged to me, mind you! I confronted him about it, asked to see any other messages. On the other sites beside Plenty of Fish, he didn't send or receive any messages, just had the active profiles. He is deeply apologetic and wants me back. He said that he never actually intended on meeting anyone or cheating. That he was just doing it for kicks, to feel better about himself, to feel attractive, ease his insecurity, etc. We had both agreed early on in the relationship that any type of infidelity is unacceptable. Even though I have no evidence of physical cheating, it's the betrayal and the lying that kills me. I find it very hard to believe that he didn't intend on meeting them when he was so specific asking them out "tomorrow night" "this weekend" during the time I was out of town. He was supposed to be my husband and future father of my kids. Part of me wants to consider going to counseling together, but part of me feels like the trust is ruined and if I go back I might eventually end up screwed over if he did it again, because we both really want kids, so if we get back together, we will definitely have kids shortly after we get married. I don't want to be stuck with a cheating husband with kids down the road, but it kills me to just give up on the relationship. My brain tells me to go, but my heart tells me to stay. My biggest fear is that he would be on his best behavior until we officially got married and started having kids, and then get bored and insecure and return to his old behavior. Any advice would be appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 You already know the answers, he was looking for a hook up and he would have done had the woman said yes. He is now telling you more lies in order to get himself back out of this but come on, he spent time making all these profiles and was looking for other women. He is a full on liar and a cheater and he is obviously not satisfied or he wouldn't be doing this. Not to say that you're not enough, you could be more than enough, but a cheater will never be satisfied with one woman. You caught him red handed, if you take him back he will continue looking for women and sex, only he will be more careful this time and hide his tracks better. I know it's disappointing and painful, but the trust is gone. You cannot nor should you ever trust this man again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 Not sure HOW you knew about it all... or were able to see all the mesages etc? BUT... if he's gone to the point of trying to hook up once, late at night- then tells you He never intended on meeting anyone? Crap.... whatever! Exactly// Lies & betrayal. You got it! Think all is done now.... time to remove yourself from his Life. Aren't you glad he is NOT your husband.. or father of your kids??? Sorry this has happened to you... one never knows. But am glad it's found out now.. not later! Go with your brain. He's done too much damage. Sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 I would dump his a$$ so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. Whatever you do, do NOT marry this jerk. Be glad you dodged a bullet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilbirdie Posted June 17, 2017 Author Share Posted June 17, 2017 Ah yes, how I found out! I was using his computer to check my Gmail (my computer is a decade-old piece of junk so I always use his) and his Gmail was open. The first thing I saw was an email from the prostitute website, titled "You are now a registered member". I looked up the website and saw that you can type in your city and find local escort reviews, phone numbers, and prices. I then remembered that he had recently been talking about helping a friend with his friend's Plenty of Fish account. Well, then my spidey senses were going off like crazy, so I went to Plenty of Fish, and there was his profile, still logged in! Anyways, that is the tale of how I found out. I do believe in privacy and that snooping is wrong, but once I saw the email right in front of me and started thinking he might be going to prostitutes, possibly exposing ME to STD's in the future, I had to know in order to protect myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 Don't stay in this relationship. Don't rely on "evidence of physical cheating." Its absence means nothing. If he's going to hotel rooms or other people's homes, what do you expect to find? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 His unsuccessful attempts at cheating does not equate as a pass and still has him claiming that he is being faithful. Leave this guy.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 You are telling my coworkers story. She married the guy. Found out she now has a high risk HPV when she went to her Dr when she discovered she was pregnant. Two years later and living in fear the entire time and trying to make the best of things, she finds out he's been meeting prostitutes during his lunch hour. He had all the same excuses your guy did. Someone only looking for attention doesn't go to the lengths he has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EternalOptimis Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Run. Don't walk. RUN I didn't and it was ten times harder on me two years later. I'm still in recovery Oh and block him everywhere. Sever all contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 If you stay with him it will be giving him permission to continue to cheat. Let me tell you what my ex told me after I took him back after he cheated..."Well, you knew what I was like and you came back anyway. I figured you must like being treated like that." Think about THAT for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight2001 Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 dump him. dont look back. dont listen to him, move on. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Wish him luck, whoever he meets, and then RUN. As far as you can, and then run some more. Sure, it'll kill you in the short term, but that's NOTHING compared to what you'll be going through further down the line if you stick with this joker - imagine if you'd married him and/or had children! As it is, you've done the difficult bit by moving out, and now he can do it for kicks, to feel better about himself, to feel attractive, ease his insecurity, etc. to his heart's content. He's described himself as single and looking for a relationship; now at least he can be honest about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilbirdie Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 I appreciate everyone's input so much. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to force myself to do. Every time I want to go back to him, I look at the pictures I took of the messages and then feel sick. I was looking at the time stamps on the pictures and saw that the weekend he was sending the messages, he also texted me an emotional wedding love song/video. Knowing that he was secretly doing that while being so loving towards me makes me feel ill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I appreciate everyone's input so much. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to force myself to do. Every time I want to go back to him, I look at the pictures I took of the messages and then feel sick. I was looking at the time stamps on the pictures and saw that the weekend he was sending the messages, he also texted me an emotional wedding love song/video. Knowing that he was secretly doing that while being so loving towards me makes me feel ill. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be a total nightmare, but nothing like the nightmare you'd be facing if you returned to him with the knowledge you have now. What a filthy, stinking hypocrite! Finding out that someone close to you is NOT AT ALL who you thought they were is an incredibly disorientating experience, and it will take you a while to get over the sense of betrayal and disbelief. For that alone, you might consider counselling for yourself, but on no account commit yourself to couples counselling with this guy in the hope that it'll change who he is. This is the guy who tried to have casual hookups and, when nobody was interested, went to prostitutes instead - whilst pretending to built a life with you. The relationship, the life you thought you were building together, is an illusion - a fabrication created by someone who wanted the stability of a committed relationship as a platform from which to launch his sordid, sleazy little adventures. It's understandable that you don't want to give up on the relationship you thought you had - but that was a huge lie, and don't let him seduce you back into it. (((HUGS))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I appreciate everyone's input so much. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to force myself to do. Every time I want to go back to him, I look at the pictures I took of the messages and then feel sick. I was looking at the time stamps on the pictures and saw that the weekend he was sending the messages, he also texted me an emotional wedding love song/video. Knowing that he was secretly doing that while being so loving towards me makes me feel ill. I'm so sorry Stay strong through this. It's not your fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Yet another liar on a dating site pretending to be single when he's not. Not only did he crush you, but had he been successful (who is to say he wasn't?) he would be lying to who ever he hooked up with because they would think he was single. Men like him (those that plan to premeditatedly betray their SO) can NEVER be trusted to be monogamous. Sorry that this has caused you such hurt but happy that you found out who he really is before marrying him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.thumb.jpg.619cbf9ada685acba712967edfb3e7aa.jpg)
.thumb.jpg.a7437edbcaa5924fb077b36bf6653986.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.