What a fool am i...

[Hoosjer]

First time poster so I have a lot to say. Sorry, but I'm hurting here.

 

Been married for almost 14 years. We met online and I knew I loved her soul from the start. We emailed back and forth for about a month and then finally met. Her beauty matched her soul in the emails. We sparked immediately and became exclusive. She was 19 I was 23. We dated and then got engaged. She always had money trouble but most people her age do grow out of it. Or so I thought.

 

Let me frame the following with this...i don't use drugs, drink more than 1 to 2 drinks a month, don't smoke, don't verbally or physically abuse and have never cheated on her.

 

Flash forward to wedding. I'm a saver luckily and paid for everything that her dad was supposed to and offered to. Her mom warned me that he and she both were bad with money and I would have to be the financial leader of the house. My love for her over came that omen. I paid for the wedding, honeymoon and put a down payment on the house I had built before we got married.

 

About 2 years later I find out she changed a credit card billing address to her mom's to avoid my anger at hiding debt. Other than the house I was debt free. Well we had to refinance to pay the over 11 thousand dollar debt and avoid all that interest. I forgave and moved on. It kept happening every few years..threats of leaving made but never truly wanted by me, which was not mature on my part. Now she was running to the mail box before I got the bills. More arguing and then a firm budget put in place to stop the madness. She was making decent money finally so I put her on all the cards and credit lines. I should have known better. We also find out she can't have kids except through a miracle so she is upset about that and I explain I married her for her, not kids.

 

So bill collectors from her past start sending notes with her maiden name on them. I explain that we are it together and we will pay them off. Every one of them is taken care of without an argument but the mailbox starts to scare me daily. It finally stops...until her newly opened store cards start not getting paid. I finally tell her that it has to stop and she needs to grow up or else we will have nothing at retirement. I refinance again to avoid huge fees on interest and we go back to what i thought was happiness.

 

So I keep changing jobs to make more money and have a better future for us both. I get some really stressful ones, the current one has me in a super center working 60 to 80 hours a week but the pay is good. I worked too much, that I know but it was right home after work, no going out with friends because I loved spending time with her.

 

I didn't notice it at the time but she started sleeping facing away from me and not holding my arm at night like we always did, not saying I love you as much and not showing interest in intimate activities. I felt something was off and she said she wasn't feeling well, tired or has to work at the church vestry, as get this, the Treasurer! She couldn't do our books but did theirs. I supported her because our church is small and needs all the help it can get. I hoped it would help her become more responsible with money...more on that later.

 

So I have friends that are moving away and invited me to come and look at houses during a much needed vacation. I asked her to set some time off so we could all go. She declined and said she was working on her best friends baby shower that week and I should go and enjoy time with my friend I have known for 34 years now. I get sick the night before the flight and my stomach wont stop churning. I never get sick before a flight but brush it off to bad food the night before. She takes me to the airport hugs and kisses me and then does it again harder than ever. I don't think much of it, but my intuition is kicking in.

 

The week away was strange with her not communicating or answering phone calls right away. I said I was coming back early if I didn't get a response within an hour because I was worried. About midnight local time she said she fell asleep and to calm down. So the trip comes to an end.

 

I'm in the airport and text her. No response. I get an alert about a large withdraw from the emergency fund...message and call...no response. I message her dad and he doesn't respond until I'm on the flight at take off. "She is safe and will talk to you when she is ready". I'm shaking and text her are you leaving me? No response. I call my dad to visit the house and she passes him on the road flying by because she caught wind of her dad telling me and didn't want to confront anyone.

 

I land and run off the plane waiting for my ride and go home to find it half empty and the dog gone. Did leave the cats and appliances. Also left some family heirlooms that I have boxed up because I respect property.

 

I finally get to talk with her 2 days later on text. She left a weepy voicemail stating she was unhappy and knew I was too. I just love to have things thrown on me that aren't true, but I guess it helped her move this way easier. She said it had been planned for 6 months. She wants me to be happy, is in an apartment near my dad who has stage 4 cancer and will help if needed, and needs her space. She wouldn't tell me what was really wrong until we met at a time of her choosing.

 

We finally meet. I get to see my sweet Bella dog and so I tell her she has an hour straight to tell me why. I just pet the dog and listen. It's all my fault..im negative, selfish, don't respect her job, etc. I don't say a word as the tears flow down and I just see someone I don't know anymore.

 

I then ask why if it was so bad why did she not want to talk about it ever? She says she has communication issues she needs to work on. She has been I therapy for anxiety for 4 years now and you haven't worked on that yet, I thought to myself? She then says I know I'm not perfect and have blame too. I don't disagree at all and say I could have been better if you just communicated. She says it's too far now to fix and we need to work on ourselves. I leave in tears asking why it got so bad and why she didn't fight for us.

 

I'm driving to Target the other day and see her getting a bag from a guy i have never seen before. They see me and he scurried off. I pull up to her and she explains he is a friend going through a rough patch in his divorce. I wonder how she can help anyone when she couldn't even talk to me about issues? So anyway I let it go after she texts me angrily about jumping to conclusions.

 

She asks to pull her phone off the account. I allow it and she moves it to another carrier quickly and buys a new phone even though she is broke. I begin to look at the phone logs when together. I find she has been texting him for at least 16 months at all hours of the day including holidays. How much help is reasonable I think to myself.

 

I still love her like a fool. It's now almost 2 months later and I still want her. I can't prove she cheated but the facts of financial and emotional infidelity are pretty obvious in my opinion.

 

I'm in therapy but my insurance through her work will end soon and I can't afford the payments because I'm leaving my stressful job and wont have insurance for 90 days. I'm stepping down and making less to try and save my sanity. I hate being alone and don't do well alone. I would even say I'm scared at 41 which makes me feel even worse. My dad is ok now but this disease he has is not good and he is the only family I have left without her.

 

I thought I did what was needed for us. Now I question everything I did and she said.

 

Well those are the main points. I'm trying to keep the house but she wants too much paid to her because it's undervalued in her opinion. We are all but done with the divorce at this point. I'm lost as to see how this happened.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Clio]

You need to stop questioning the past because it can't be changed. It HAS happened and it couldn't happen any other way because that is how she has ALWAYS been. The situation you described is BEYOND saving. The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result. Your focus needs to be in emotionally detaching from your ex and letting go of your past. Your mistake was to ignore the GLARING red flags when it came to her financial recklessness despite having been warned by her own mother and undergoing a DECADE plus of the exact same problems.

 

Thinking that you could have changed/saved her was a MAJOR mistake on your part, one that you seem unable to let go even now. Stop it. You adopted an unhealthy parental role and created a dynamic where you enabled her to stay the same; she acted like a resentful child and you focused on fixing her issues, thus avoiding having to deal with your own shortcomings. Your relationship was heavily co-dependent and extremely dysfunctional. Going through life having to police your other half is no life really. You enabled her to a fault and that was extremely unhealthy on your part. You need to acknowledge your role in this so as not to repeat it; you made INFORMED choices. You knowingly let her drain you financially. You need to accept that you are addicted to her; that what you are dealing with is an ADDICTION.

 

Life is about change. Stepping down to relieve stress sounds like a very good move. You wrote that the divorce is done. Given that you have no children, your next step should be STRICT no contact. You need to block her/ erase her from your life. Your source of hurt cannot be the solution to your pain. If you loose your access to therapy, you need to join a support group. If you are not familiar with co-dependency some reading would probably be helpful ( ). And you need to start making new friends. Volunteering to help others in some way is one way to go about it. Things will not get better overnight. It WILL hurt for a while. All you can do is survive one day at a time. At 41 you are still very young and there is plenty of time to meet someone new. However, in order to find the right person, you need to become the right person and that means fixing your co-dependency. The only person you can ever fix is yourself. Best of luck with your healing. One day at a time.

 

P.S. In reality, we are all alone. There are no guarantees in life. People change or die. What you fear, you have already survived and is actually universal. You CAN and will be ok in time.

[Hoosjer]

Thank you. I did feel like I was the parent. I'm not perfect, not a saint as my friends think. I believe I was acting for us but maybe it was self preservation kicking in and a fear of being alone.

 

I appreciate your reply. Thanks!

[Mari]

Thank you. I did feel like I was the parent. I'm not perfect, not a saint as my friends think. I believe I was acting for us but maybe it was self preservation kicking in and a fear of being alone.

 

I appreciate your reply. Thanks!

 

To answer your question, I wouldn't consider you to be a fool, just not knowledgeable about certain things. You had contempt for her, which is one of the four horsemen of divorce according to Gottman. Her having to hide her debt, racing to the mail, or you being angry because of debt, or you saying that you're going to leave her and put her in a position of uncertainty about her future, or you even working 60-80 hours to cover her debt, all contribute to this divorce.

 

This "friend" that's going through a rough patch may be the new guy she's going to go with but it's likely he provided emotional support while you were looking down on her because of her debt. I would say for her to talk to you would be very difficult because you're always right. Yeah she shouldn't have that debt but that's who she is and you get angry because you want to be a team and cover for her, but where does that leave the marriage? You're her financial advisor and an angry husband which means she can do without you being constantly angry or her not having freedom to make her own mistakes.

 

Moving forward from here it is likely that her future relationships may not work or that she may reconsider and want to be with you again. Assuming you want to be with her I would recommend the following:

1) Stop checking who's right and who's wrong. She isn't wrong for having debt, that's her problem and she needs to deal with it. You can't nail her for cheating emotionally with another guy when what you're providing is anger, distrust, and generally looking down on her.

2) Separate your finances. She won't learn as long as you cover for her. You can provide a house and groceries and that's it, the rest is on her. If she goes in so much debt that she files for bankruptcy then so be it. You will be her supporting husband that consoles her when those creditors call but other than emotional support you won't give her access to any of your finances. And I think this is necessary for her and good for both of you. Eventually the problem will solve itself as no creditor will give her anything.

3) Never threaten to leave even if you don't mean it. All relationships are built on trust and the other person invests and can get hurt. If you're using this threat as a punishment they will come back in line but only for so long. After a while they'll leave no matter what you say because they can't trust you enough to invest in you.

4) Apologize to her for being angry with her and making her debt your problem. Offer her her own finances and say if she ever wants to give it another try you're willing to provide a place and food and will keep finances separate and won't look down on her for it. Also apologize for threatening to leave.

 

Sorry you're going through this divorce, it's going to take some time to heal and change. Good luck.

[Hoosjer]

To answer your question, I wouldn't consider you to be a fool, just not knowledgeable about certain things. You had contempt for her, which is one of the four horsemen of divorce according to Gottman. Her having to hide her debt, racing to the mail, or you being angry because of debt, or you saying that you're going to leave her and put her in a position of uncertainty about her future, or you even working 60-80 hours to cover her debt, all contribute to this divorce.

 

This "friend" that's going through a rough patch may be the new guy she's going to go with but it's likely he provided emotional support while you were looking down on her because of her debt. I would say for her to talk to you would be very difficult because you're always right. Yeah she shouldn't have that debt but that's who she is and you get angry because you want to be a team and cover for her, but where does that leave the marriage? You're her financial advisor and an angry husband which means she can do without you being constantly angry or her not having freedom to make her own mistakes.

 

Moving forward from here it is likely that her future relationships may not work or that she may reconsider and want to be with you again. Assuming you want to be with her I would recommend the following:

1) Stop checking who's right and who's wrong. She isn't wrong for having debt, that's her problem and she needs to deal with it. You can't nail her for cheating emotionally with another guy when what you're providing is anger, distrust, and generally looking down on her.

2) Separate your finances. She won't learn as long as you cover for her. You can provide a house and groceries and that's it, the rest is on her. If she goes in so much debt that she files for bankruptcy then so be it. You will be her supporting husband that consoles her when those creditors call but other than emotional support you won't give her access to any of your finances. And I think this is necessary for her and good for both of you. Eventually the problem will solve itself as no creditor will give her anything.

3) Never threaten to leave even if you don't mean it. All relationships are built on trust and the other person invests and can get hurt. If you're using this threat as a punishment they will come back in line but only for so long. After a while they'll leave no matter what you say because they can't trust you enough to invest in you.

4) Apologize to her for being angry with her and making her debt your problem. Offer her her own finances and say if she ever wants to give it another try you're willing to provide a place and food and will keep finances separate and won't look down on her for it. Also apologize for threatening to leave.

 

Sorry you're going through this divorce, it's going to take some time to heal and change. Good luck.

Thanks for the response.

 

I did the threats back in our younger days when i was much more new to dealing with these things. We havent screamed at one another in many years. You seem to place all the blame on me here and I don't think that is right. Financial infidelity is still wrong and hurtful. Emotional cheating is still cheating. I'm to blame for quite a bit here no doubt but it takes two. I do want it to be fixed but I think she has already moved on so I'll do what I need to for growth from this and of we get back together after all this then an important lesson has been learned.

[Clio]

OP, going back to your ex would be unwise. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Even if you stopped enabling her, thinking that a spouse's continued dept wouldn't affect your life would be wrong. A marriage is supposed to be a TEAM effort. If one of the team is always in dept then that DOES affect the team no matter what. Choosing an unreliable partner again and again is a recipe for emotional bankruptcy. You need to stay away from reckless people.

[Lester]

"...and of we get back together after all this then an important lesson has been learned."

- Just the opposite! Even thinking about being with this lizard again means you learned nothing at all!

 

School:

Slow down! You're not old..., thinking so is going to put right back in the same situation. (She'll just have a different look and name.)

Instead of trusting your maker, and real life, you used a computer. Never do that again. It's a natural funnel for dregs and parasites.

Finalize the divorce and take a year off. Use it to get your head out of your ass.

 

btw:

Don't use real names! Even your dog's.

[Mari]

Thanks for the response.

 

I did the threats back in our younger days when i was much more new to dealing with these things. We havent screamed at one another in many years. You seem to place all the blame on me here and I don't think that is right. Financial infidelity is still wrong and hurtful. Emotional cheating is still cheating. I'm to blame for quite a bit here no doubt but it takes two. I do want it to be fixed but I think she has already moved on so I'll do what I need to for growth from this and of we get back together after all this then an important lesson has been learned.

 

I don't think it's all your fault it's just that you're posting so I can't really talk to her. Money is a huge issue and a good reason why people split up. On her end she could've owned her problem more than letting you pay for her debt. If you're moving on then hopefully move on with someone that saves as much as you do. Good luck, and sorry for offending you.

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA,

 

I encourage you to read some of the stories from the divorce section here on the forum. You will see this happens way more than you could ever imagine. Start by reading my first threads here.

 

You were married to an extremely selfish woman with poor impulse control and very little maturity. The reason she ran up so much debt is because she was trying to make herself happy by buying things.

 

Was this your fault for getting on her about spending all that money you didn't have, lying about it and then doing it over and over again? Absolutely NOT!!!

 

Your life may seem like it is over but she actually did you a huge favor. In time you will see it too.

 

Okay first off you need a lawyer. She cannot take all the joint money and leave so make sure you get copies of all the financial transactions so you can provide them to your divorce lawyer, and yes you are getting a divorce whether you want to or not as she has found a new man to use.

 

Right now you are in shock and weak so you need to get advice from your father and any close friend you can trust because you are in no condition to make rational choices right now. In time your vision will clear and you will be better but right now it is best to run everything by your dad before you do anything.

 

I am sorry this has happened to you but you need to stop hoping this can be fixed. She was talking to her new bf for over a year, making plans to leave you for 6 months and snuck out while you were gone. This isn't some fight you had over money or who does the dishes, this was a cold hearted planned escape with much of what you own. Get used to the idea that you are getting a divorce and start embracing it as a way to stop the pain you feel.

 

Stop contacting her completely.

Put a freeze on all credit cards and discuss what to do legally with your lawyer.

Change the locks on the house.

Continue to pay the mortgage but keep a record of when she left and how much you paid after she left.

Sleep and eat the best you can and take good care of yourself. It is important to stay healthy as this is a stressful journey you are on and it takes time to get to the end.

 

I know you still love her but this is where you mind needs to take the lead away from your heart. In time your love for her will fade and logic will take it's place.

 

 

Keep posting and try to accept that it is over.

 

Lost

[Capricorn3]

Thread closed as per OP's request.