Girl puts me at bottom of her priorities, won't talk to me, but then comes back.

[polypup]

So it's a long story but basically there is a girl I have strong feelings for. You could say I love her. We didn't date that long but it was clear from the start she was unable to express her feelings, not just to me, just any emotion in relation to people. She either doesn't know what she's feeling (depression?) or is simply unable or won't articulate.

 

So basically her only way of showing she cared was physically, i.e. by spending time with me and showing body language affection, e.g. hugging etc.

 

Then she started to cancel all our dates. There were an increasing number of reasons, ranging from her studies/work, her friends and family, but basically it became very clear that I was at the bottom of the pile in terms of priorities for her and it soon transpired she simply didn't have enough time, with all her other priorities to see me.

 

When she told me that her ex boyfriend had had a drug induced psychosis and had been arrested for attempted murder and she had to go abroad to help him, I found it hard to believe her. It turned out to be true and I apologised but basically it was too late she had gone.

 

So she basically mostly ignored my messages to her during a month or so, there would be like a 3-5 day delay before she answered a lot of them. I was simply asking how she was but she never told me. She never told me what happened abroad, but selectively chose to answer some messages when she felt like it.

 

We had booked a night out together at the Rocky Horror before our relationship broke down and she left. When she came back to this country, she decided to come along to the date. I was quite drunk and we did some hugging, kissing, hand holding, and she was wearing my ring. It looked like she was coming back to me.

 

At the end of the night I ask her when I will see her next, she says she doesn't know if she will. Nice... so it turns out she doesn't want to see me again after all.

 

So the next day she sends me an ambiguous message, that could mean she'd be willing to start seeing me again, but more casually, i.e. take some steps back from our previous relationship. So I'm up all night trying to figure it out, what it means and answer it properly.

 

It turns out she means she wanted to be friends, platonic friends that see each other infrequently and then maybe see where things go.

 

Now she's an extremely socially anxious person, and it takes a lot of time for her to be able to be comfortable with someone, so that whole concept seems like a contradiction to me. How could anything develop other than her feeling very anxious with someone she's no longer familiar with because she hasn't spent enough time with them? Just my thinking. I didn't mention this.

 

Instead I asked her if she could help me. I had helped her with her anxiety, her depression and various other mental health issues in the past. She said she can't help me. I said to her it would be a very simple thing she could do, she didn't even want to know what it might be.

 

At that point I figured enough is enough, she obviously can't even be a friend to me, because when a friend needs help, you at least try to find out how you might be able to help them, even if you think you might not be able to... Again just my thinking!

 

So I make a conscious decision to try and not contact her again. I remove her from my contacts, block her on WhatsApp etc. For a couple of days, bliss, no contact, it looks like I am able to start moving on.

 

Then she finds a way to message me on WhatsApp, there is an old group I hadn't deleted she used to say "Hello", so I simply say "hello" back, then she says she's reinstalling WhatsApp she'll be back soon, so I say "understood". In the meantime I am waiting and there's no response. It's driving me up the wall and I want to contact her but I decide to be strong and delete the WhatsApp group and don't contact her.

 

Everytime she contacts me I get very emotional and panicked. I'm thinking I want to try and win her back but the imbalance in feelings between us is simply not workable. For her I'm almost like a stranger, someone remote that she is vaguely interested in but only after ALL other things in her life are sorted out, including her ex boyfriend, while I still love her and would do almost anything for her.

 

She'd been asking me to slow down, and hold off so when she sent me this SMS a couple of days after the WhatsApp hello I was slightly surprised:

 

"If you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you could've just said so... it was good knowing you I guess."

 

I haven't answered yet and I am not sure if I will.

 

I was thinking of saying something along the lines of:

 

"Who says I didn't want to talk to you?",

 

"what do you mean, you are the one that didn't want to talk!"

 

or

 

"so what did you want to talk about?"

 

If I did answer I wouldn't do it straight away. I might wait a few days. But I just don't think there is a future in this relationship.

 

She just doesn't have the capacity to express herself, the time to give to a relationship, and she doesn't seem to really care about me that much.

 

I guess I'd like to know for sure, what she does feel about me and whether it could ever be anything good or worthwhile, but I'm pretty certain it wouldn't be possible. She wouldn't be able to tell me how she feels, she probably doesn't know.

 

Story of my life is I seem to be really good at falling for people that are incapable or unwilling to love me back.

 

Anyway would appreciate any insights.

 

Thanks.

 

David