sst Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Hi there - This is my first time on this forum, so hello! Basically, i'm married to a wonderful husband - he's loving, kind, funny, supportive and so much more. We love each other very much and there's 0 doubt about that! But I have an issue... before we were married, on 2 different occasions I found him either using porn or found it on his computer. We talked about it and he said he only uses is for release twice a month or so. And he was in the process of weening off porn (Moving from videos to pictures). He reassures me that he doesn't use it anymore as it's disrespectful to me and to women and he doesn't think it was a good habit. We are pretty open about it, and talk about it but I sometimes just don't know if he's saying all these stuff to make me feel better or if he's genuine. I have no reason to not believe him but the pain of catching him is so great that I can't seem to get past it. I get scared when he's home alone and spend a lot of my time thinking "what if he's using?" and it just cripples me! I had a horrible past where an ex-boyfriend would sexually abuse me on a weekly basis and take videos of me blowing him and such - which is maybe why I'm so against pornography.. Has anyone else been in the same situation? What do you think? Am I being unreasonable? How can I move towards trusting him in this area?! Help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Jesus Christ. Of course you're being unreasonable. Associating your husband watching porn a couple times a month with a man previously having sexually abused you and recorded it? Look, I'm sorry that happened, but that's arguably one of the most unfair dynamics I've ever heard being put on a guy. If you've got lingering issues, go to therapy. Don't take it out on your husband because he sometimes watches dudes get gangbanged by a group of amazons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisii Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 sorry about your experiences with your exbf, have you ever had counselling over this? IMHO, wouldn't you rather he watch occasional porn over having a physical affair? PORN is everywhere. He's definitely not an addict, 2-3 in an hour yes, but a couple of times a month, your man is a saint! It's not his fault you had terrible past experiences with porn and it's sweet that he is talking to you about this, but you really need to get help from a therapist, you are making him give up something that is normal. I understand that some people don't believe in masturbation, but come on... nearly everyone does it. Please relax over this one, he's not a freak, you are expecting a lot from him with this.. It's porn he's watching, not your personal video's - IMHO its completely different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I'm not a rah-rah porn person, I do think it has the possibility to be harmful depending on frequency and content, and especially if it is being detrimental to the couple's sex life. But, yeah, you need to relax, or this is going to ruin your marriage. And then you'll have the same issues with the next guy. As much as it is a fact that it is "disrespectful to you and to women", another fact, backed up by statistics, is that a vast majority of men consume porn from time to time, and will regardless of how you feel about it. Don't conflate your past experience with the present. I do agree with others that if you haven't sought therapy about your past experiences, you should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seizeilgiron Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Well, with my bf, I have expressed my views towards porn, and I hate it. I know my bf watched it before I was in the picture, and sometimes I ask him if he's seen any since. I don't know. I kind of lived in a bubble because I am honestly such an innocent person, so apparently its a guy thing. But I communicate with my bf all the time. If i were you, make sure you're actively communicating with your him. My bf starts to "lash" out (And i use that word sparingly) because he feels that his needs are not being met in the relationship. (I don't see the point there, but those are his words, not mine). Could it be that he watches it because he wants more from you? Just make sure you talk with him. Express your concerns. Express them again. Communication is key here. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charles11 Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 I don't think this should be a problem. Masturbating is healthy, if he does it that doesn't mean he chooses porn over you. After all everyone watches or watched porn in their life. Maybe next time you catch him try and give him a hand. Sometimes spicing things up it's good for a relationship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted June 20, 2017 Share Posted June 20, 2017 Most of my partners have not used porn. With the ones who did, we would watch/read it together. No problem! However, I'm sure I WOULD have a problem with it if I'd been through a horrible experience like yours with your ex-boyfriend. A bit of extra titillation is not at all the same as being subjected to the trauma of sexual abuse, and you'd need to heal from the trauma of this, regardless of whether you were in a relationship. So... while it's not unreasonable of you to feel this way, given your experiences, it IS unreasonable to view your current partner's activities in the light of someone else's. He is not a heavy porn user, and it doesn't sound like it's a substitute for a genuinely loving, connected relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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