Boyfriend broke up with me because I argued with him a lot

[Lynn24]

This is quite long so I apologize in advance everyone but I feel like I just need to get this out.. My now ex boyfriend and I dated for 7 months, we met at an old workplace and we we were in the same training class, we started talking to each other during the second week of training and it just felt like I've known him my whole life, I've never felt such a strong connection with anybody like the way I felt for him before, he was so sweet and funny, always making me laugh like no one ever could before, he was the reason I looked forward to going into work everyday, before I met him I've been suffering from really bad anxiety and depression due to unresolved trauma throughout my life but when I met him, he just made everything better.. and then one day he messaged me through Facebook and asked for my number and it was the happiest day of my life, nothing could've taken the smile off my face that day, we've talked and hung out a couple of times after that day for a few weeks before we decided to take things to the next step and date each other, but after the first week of dating he quit his job because he found it to be difficult, im 19, still living with my parents of course and he's 23 still living with his parents as well, when he told me he quit his job I thought to myself okay, he just found it hard he'll find himself a new job and be back on his feet again soon, but 7 months have gone by and he's only applied to 2 jobs and both places told him they were currently not looking for anyone at the time and that they'd call him when an opening is available, I felt that instead of sitting and waiting 7 months for someone to call him back with a position he could've applied to other places and he could've landed himself a job, but to me it just felt like he was in no rush to do so, he literally would just smoke pot and play Xbox with his friends all day everyday, finding another job wasn't a priority to him, and because I have a big heart and I love and care about this guy, I thought I'd help him out by going online searching for job ads and sending him links to apply, and what I'd get from him in response was "no, I don't think I'd like it there" or things like "I didn't ask for your help", and this is how the constant arguing began, after me trying to just simply help out those are the kind of responses I'd get from him, instead of just saying something like "I appreciate you wanting to help but I'd rather do things my own way/pace" I would just get torn apart by him saying " did I f***** ask for your help?" He just came off completely ungrateful and made me feel unappreciated.. and every argument we've had throughout these past 7 months have been about him not having a job we would fight almost every two weeks and after an argument we'd take 2 days to cool off before we started talking again, all I ever wanted was for him to have a job so I could see him do good and have the things he wanted and needed and not be stressed out over being broke, me just wanting the best for him has nothing to do with me, I don't want his money, for the past 7 months he's sat around wishing he had a job so he could do this and that but would make no effort into going out and finding one? But he would get angry with me whenever I would bring it up, he thinks I've always intended to p*** him off by bringing it up and that every argument was purposeful. He said all the fighting has stressed him out to the point he doesn't even want to be with me anymore.. he's known from the start about me having depression and anxiety as well, and one of the things he's said to me in a previous argument was that he didn't want to be with me because of my depression and that the next guy I meet won't stay, that really hurt.. no one has ever said anything so horrible to me especially a significant other I was devastated I spent an hour on the phone sobbing to my mother after said that because I didn't know how to handle it. He told me the next day he said that because he was just angry with me because I argued and just wanted to make me made which I found childish? And he never even apologized for it.. the only reason why I've ever argued with him over not having a job was because I CARE, but he thinks otherwise he doesn't believe me when I tell him that and he thinks if I cared I wouldn't constantly bring it up, but if I truly did not care I wouldn't take time out of my day looking for job ads for him while he's out hanging out with his friends, if I didn't care about him I wouldn't be concerned about his wellbeing considering he is 23 and unemployed.. and most people his age where I'm from have a job, have their own car, there are some people his age who are getting engaged/married.. I understand fully that there's a different time and place for opportunities to happen for people, but if it's someone who just sits there and plays video games all day who makes no effort applying to places after only ever applying to 2 jobs then there's not going to be any opportunities for him, and that worries me because despite all of the arguments, I love this guy and I don't want to lose what we have, when it comes to arguments I can forgive and forget and move on from the past easily, but him, not so much, I've told him I would start to work on not arguing about our past situations becuase simply they're in the past everything in the past has been said and done and there's no reason to bring it up again, I understand he wants to do things for himself at his own pace, and I accept that.. but again, he doesn't believe that I'll work on things, he doesn't even want to try he's fed up but after me pouring my heart explaining how sorry I was for the arguments it didn't even phase him, as of now his mind is set on not giving this relationship another chance, and that everything is my fault and that I'm the reason we are where we are, but I don't believe it's entirely my fault, all I ever tried to do was help but he considered that to be rude? And he has my number blocked and he's blocked me from Instagram but not Facebook that's how we've been talking to each other today.. yes we've argued but people have gone through a lot worse than arguments and I believe that if he truly does love me he'll give it another chance but he hasn't responded to my last message I've sent him hours ago, I'm not sure wether I should message him or just back off until he's ready to talk again but I can't help but wonder if he'll even message me again or want to see me again and it breaks my heart knowing that it might be the end of our relationship. What are your thoughts on what I should do, should I move on ask to give our relationship another chance? It just feels like I'm already starting to fall into a state of depression over this

[Keyman]

OP,

 

Please break up your text a little to make it easier to read. This will ensure you get more responses.

[Lynn24]

I'm new to this site so I'm not entirely sure how everything works, am I able to just go in and edit my text, if so how do I do that?

[Keyman]

usually there is an edit post button at the bottom of the post, but I think it is time related, so perhaps that time has run out.

[Lynn24]

Ah right that makes sense, because I'm not seeing an edit option, well at least I know now for future posts, thank you!

[Keyman]

No problems.

 

Okay, I have waded through the wall of text and here is what I think... There is an incompatibility of values here. He has the glide through life approach, while you have the get things done approach. He's laid back and you're a go getter. There is nothing wrong with either approach, but they tend to clash when together, as you are seeing.

 

The problem is, it's causing you to mother him. To push and nag and argue and this is causing him to push back, argue against you and then pull away. Unfortunately, you don't really have the right to be so pushy with him about his life. You are his girlfriend, not his mother or his boss, and your attempts to help him along are coming across as controlling. Since he is quite happy with his pot filled nothingness of his life, he doesn't want to move forward. It also sounds like he is getting everything he needs at home, so there is no push to do anything else.

 

Next, you may not want to hear this, but you are better off without him. His laid back nature is helping with the depression, but bringing up other issues. I know this is going to hurt, but I think you need to walk away from him and get on with your life. AND you need to put something in place to deal with your depression before you get involved with someone else. You depend on that other person to control how you feel and when it doesn't feel right, you try to work them back into a state that will make you happy.

 

Walk away and get on with your life. This is causing more stress than without him. If he wants to come back, tell him he has to pick up his act, otherwise, find yourself a guy who doesn't want to sit around wasting his life.

[and so it goes]

I think there is a lack of maturity problem here on his part. I've no issue with "smoking pot and playing xbox" (I do neither for the record) but only if the rest of one's life is in order. He needs to grow up and get his act together.

Are you willing to wait for that....it could actually take some time. The poster above me mentioned that "you are his g/f not his mother", that is right on the mark.

[Lynn24]

I honestly have nothing against smoking pot and playing Xbox, it's just typical guy stuff but it's different when that person considers those things his only priorities in life, and I understand it will take some time for him to get on his feet again definitely, and things just don't happen right away, but so far he has hardly put in any effort in to even looking at all.

And I understand fully that I shouldn't have pushed him and that it came off as me being controlling and motherly, but he's never even gotten that from his mother, she's the type of person that will do anything to avoid any form of conflict not matter how big or small the situation is, she's a bit of a push over, but also one of the sweetest people I've met don't get me wrong, and one of the few things she has said to me was that she blames herself for the way he is and that she should never have spoiled him so much growing up because it's like he thinks she'll be the one taking care of him for the rest of his life, she never asked him to do anything growing up she made sure he had everything plus more, which to me is beyond sweet of her but to an extent, I'm not a mother myself but I feel like spoiling your child to the point where you don't even show them or teach any form of responsibilities is a bit extreme.

But I'm not blaming her at all, that's not where I'm going with this, for god sake he's 23 he should know right from wrong, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it felt like I had to push him a little becuase to me it just seemed like (I'm not saying his mom doesn't care about him) but I feel as if she maybe didn't care enough to even show some encouragement on finding another job and his father is hardly in the picture he lives hours away and only talks to him through Facebook on his birthday or Christmas which breaks my heart. No one is ever that busy in life where they can only talk to their child twice a year that's pathetic and it just shows his father is a bit of a coward.

 

Am I wrong for thinking this? Maybe it's just that way I was raised because growing up I was taught about responsibilities right away and since I was in jr. high was when I started getting encouragement from both my parents that I should consider getting myself a job when I'm halfway through high school, and I did, and I enjoyed it.

 

I also had asked him one time if maybe he's not ready to find a job yet due to stress or anxiety and I didn't just throw the question in his face, I eased it in to the middle of a conversation, he didn't have any trouble answering the question, he has told me that he's never really been stressed or had to deal with anxiety before so it's not that, which wouldn't be a big deal anyway, it's something that I go through all the time.

 

And for my depression I believe I don't depend on him to control how I feel, it's not like I haven't been doing anything myself to help myself deal with it, I've been taking medication to help and I speak with my family doctor about it monthly, I just already feel more comfortable talking about it with her than going to see an actual psychologist because she's knows everything from the start and I just don't want to have to explain my life to someone else, and I know medication can only do so much it's not an exact cure

 

but when we're in the middle of a breakup and he says things like no other guy is going to want you becuase of how you are because of your depression and when he finds out how you are he'll leave just a quick as he did it really hurt and it just showed me that even if he did love me, he doesn't love me enough to accept my flaws but then tells me the next day he said those things out of anger, it just feels like mental and emotional abuse and I find it hard to believe him, but I guess the reason why I stayed with him for this long because I hold on to all of those positive and happy memories we have

[Lynn24]

I have replied to your response once and at first i thought for some reason it did not work so i had to rewrite what i've said and sent it again the second time and my reply isnt showing up, does it normally take some time (more than 30 minutes) for replies to be posted or should i try again a 3rd time? i just want to save myself from the embarrassment and not end up having 3 of the same replies posted all at once

[reinventmyself]

I have replied to your response once and at first i thought for some reason it did not work so i had to rewrite what i've said and sent it again the second time and my reply isnt showing up, does it normally take some time (more than 30 minutes) for replies to be posted or should i try again a 3rd time? i just want to save myself from the embarrassment and not end up having 3 of the same replies posted all at once

 

. . . . . . . . . . .

[Lynn24]

ugh ive sent a 3rd reply to Keyman basically saying the same thing as my last 2 replies, but its taking so long to post i thought it just wasnt working but my reply has to be processed? kind of silly but understandable, so when my replies do get posted i do apologise but, just read the 3rd one i was able to go into more detail

[Lynn24]

I honestly have nothing against smoking pot and playing Xbox either, it's just typical guy stuff but it's different when that person considers those things his only priorities in life, and I understand it will take some time for him to get on his feet again definitely, and things just don't happen right away, but so far he has hardly put in any effort in to even looking at all.

 

 

And I understand fully that I shouldn't have pushed him and that it came off as me being controlling and motherly, but he's never even gotten that from his own mother, she's the type of person that will do anything to avoid any form of conflict not matter how big or small the situation is, she's a bit of a push over, but also one of the sweetest people I've met don't get me wrong, and one of the few things she has said to me was that she blames herself for the way he is and that she should never have spoiled him so much growing up because it's like he thinks she'll be the one taking care of him for the rest of his life (her words not mine), she never asked him to do anything growing up she made sure he had everything plus more, which to me is beyond sweet of her but to an extent, I'm not a mother myself but I feel like spoiling your child to the point where you don't even show them or teach any form of responsibilities is a bit extreme.

But I'm not blaming her at all, that's not where I'm going with this, for god sake he's 23 he should know right from wrong, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it felt like I had to push him a little because to me it just seemed like (I'm not saying his mom doesn't care about him) but I feel as if she maybe didn't care enough to even show some encouragement on finding another job and his father is hardly in the picture he lives hours away and only talks to him through Facebook on his birthday or Christmas which breaks my heart. No one is ever that busy in life where they can only talk to their child twice a year that's pathetic and it just shows his father is a bit of a coward.

 

 

 

Am I wrong for thinking this? Maybe it's just that way I was raised because growing up I was taught about responsibilities right away and since I was in jr. high was when I started getting encouragement from both my parents that I should consider getting myself a job when I'm halfway through high school, and I did, and I enjoyed it.

 

 

I also had asked him one time if maybe he's not ready to find a job yet due to stress or anxiety and I didn't just throw the question in his face, I eased it in to the middle of a conversation, he didn't have any trouble answering the question, he said that he's never really been stressed or had to deal with anxiety before so it's not that.

[Lynn24]

And as for my depression, I'm not sure if really I depend on him to control how I'm feeling, but I do kind of depend on him to make me happy.. but isn't that what couples are suppose to do?.. Do the the best they can to make sure that their significant other is happy in the relationship? I don't mean materialistically, I've never asked him for anything other than to be there for me not only on my good days but on my bad days as well, and he said he would. Well, look at us now, only months have gone by and it was last week when he said that he doesn't want to be with someone who suffers with depression, that he doesn't want to wake up everyday wondering if ill be in a good mood or not and that the next guy i'm with will leave just a quickly... it just hurt hearing that from him.

 

the next day he said to me he only said it out of anger and that he wanted to make me mad.. and it just felt like mental and emotional abuse.. i found it difficult to believe him, but it made me realize, even if he does love me, he doesn't love me enough to accept my flaws, and i guess the reason why ive stayed for this long is because ive held on to all the good memories we had and i didnt want to let that go

[Jibralta]

instead of just saying something like "I appreciate you wanting to help but I'd rather do things my own way/pace" I would just get torn apart by him saying " did I f***** ask for your help?" He just came off completely ungrateful and made me feel unappreciated.

 

he thinks I've always intended to p*** him off by bringing it up and that every argument was purposeful.

 

one of the things he's said to me in a previous argument was that he didn't want to be with me because of my depression and that the next guy I meet won't stay, that really hurt. He told me the next day he said that because he was just angry with me because I argued and just wanted to make me made which I found childish? And he never even apologized for it.

 

I think Keyman is on to something when he says you're mothering him. But before I get into that, I want to point out that your boyfriend is mean!! And before you go making excuses for him (and spoiling him like his mother) you should really give that some thought. Why be with someone who wants to make you feel bad EVER?

 

Back to the mothering thing: Leave it alone. You're coming from a good place (if misguided), but he doesn't want it, and he doesn't need it. But he's going to continue to take it because he's used to being taken care of, and used to having his tantrums indulged. You can't re-mother that out of him. It is a character flaw.

 

but isn't that what couples are suppose to do?.. Do the the best they can to make sure that their significant other is happy in the relationship?

 

Yes, that's one of the things that couples do! Otherwise, what's the point?

 

i found it difficult to believe him, but it made me realize, even if he does love me, he doesn't love me enough to accept my flaws

 

That's an important realization.

 

i guess the reason why ive stayed for this long is because ive held on to all the good memories we had and i didnt want to let that go

 

So many people do this. But listen. There's a saying: "Don't throw good money after bad." Meaning, you can't undo that bad purchase by purchasing more of the bad thing. Don't make that mistake. Move on.

[Lynn24]

i've never spoiled him the way his mom did what i meant was that i just felt the need to push him and encourage him a little into finding himself a job, because his parents dont even encourage him into doing anything, i understand now he never wanted the encouragement, but at the beginning i just thought itd be worth the try. After seeing him sit there and complain over how he wish he had job and his own car again (his first car has a lot of maintenance and engine work that needed to be done but it has been sitting in his backyard slowly rotting from underneath for the past 2 years) but hardly make any effort? why not give him some encouragement i never thought in the beginning that it would turn out badly it wasnt my intentions at all

[Jibralta]

i've never spoiled him the way his mom did what i meant was that i just felt the need to push him and encourage him a little into finding himself a job, because his parents dont even encourage him into doing anything,

 

Actually, by staying with him while he insults you, you kind of are spoiling him. He is ungrateful and mean, and doesn't deserve you or your efforts!