Boyfriend wants time apart to grow

[Igor1]

So I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years because I could see he wasn't happy with me and wasn't making an effort anymore despite us talking about our issues many times.

 

He says he loves me and we have talked about getting back together after this but he says he doesn't want to get together now because the issues that tore us apart would crop up again. He says he wants to marry me in the future but doesn't want to be together right now. I would rather work things out together and get therapy but he isn't interested. He wants to be apart and see eachother once a week or so and stay in touch as friends. He also has an online dating profile and is secretive about his phone when we are together.

 

Should I just cut contact with him and end it forever? Is he stringing me along? I feel like if he truly loved me and didn't want to risk losing me forever he would try to work with me as a team to work out these issues.

[Igor1]

Also last May he started talking to another girl and when I confronted him about it he said he always walks on eggshells in this relationship. Kicked me out of his apartment and didn't speak to me for two weeks. Then he came back asking for reconciliation and saying he wanted his best friend back.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, he is stringing you along. You're right that he doesn't truly love you. A man in love doesn't treat his partner this way. You will probably find that as soon as he finds another woman he's got a more serious interest in, he will be gone.

 

You're not his "best friend" - would you deceive your best friend the way he previously deceived you? I doubt it. He kicked you out and then came back, likely when he realized it wasn't going to go anywhere with the other girl. Why did you allow him to mistreat you like that?

 

It's pretty clear that this relationship is over. You need to let go so you can find someone who has no doubts about you and wants a future with you. That "I can see myself marrying you in the future!" line? Bull. A man who honestly believes this doesn't have an online dating profile and would not refuse to work with you to make the relationship viable.

 

Time to walk away, OP.

[Igor1]

Even though he says he wants to get back together after we work out our issues? And he still wants to hangout often and says he doesnt care whether or not we have sex when we see eachother.

[glitterfingers]

Even though he says he wants to get back together after we work out our issues? And he still wants to hangout often and says he doesnt care whether or not we have sex when we see eachother.

 

He doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, but you have a long history together and you're a big part of his life and his identity, so it's very hard to let you go. Men do not usually want to risk their partner finding someone else if they are serious about a future together. I think this is a variation on the line "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". After playing games with my heart when I found him talking to another girl, I'd probably not want to be with him anymore personally. He either steps up and shows you the commitment you need/deserve, or he lets you go. He can't have both. Set some boundaries.

[Igor1]

He doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, but you have a long history together and you're a big part of his life and his identity, so it's very hard to let you go. Men do not usually want to risk their partner finding someone else if they are serious about a future together. I think this is a variation on the line "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". After playing games with my heart when I found him talking to another girl, I'd probably not want to be with him anymore personally. He either steps up and shows you the commitment you need/deserve, or he lets you go. He can't have both. Set some boundaries.

 

I tell him hey I need a relationship or not and he says you know how I feel about your behavior and you growing. When I say I need to let him go to move on and find someone else he says what's the rush to be in a relationship. Does this mean he wants me?

 

He also doesn't want to work on issues together because he thinks we will end up fighting before the issues are solved and won't have a desire to push through and he wants things to work long term and not exchange short term comfort for long term happiness.

[glitterfingers]

I tell him hey I need a relationship or not and he says you know how I feel about your behavior and you growing. When I say I need to let him go to move on and find someone else he says what's the rush to be in a relationship. Does this mean he wants me?

 

He also doesn't want to work on issues together because he thinks we will end up fighting before the issues are solved and won't have a desire to push through and he wants things to work long term and not exchange short term comfort for long term happiness.

 

The reality is he doesn't know what he wants right now, otherwise he'd be acting on it. He's just choosing to sit somewhere in the middle. So you need to make this decision for yourself (and for him) if you want any kind of closure.

 

I find it hard to believe that he's going to work on these issues in the future... an adequate time frame for working on issues that have the potential to turn into a fight is a matter of days/weeks, not a matter of months/years. If it leads to a fight, you take a breather and return to it when you're calm. If you can't do that, then these aren't "issues", they're incompatibilities and being apart isn't going to magically make you more compatible.

 

It's hard because you've been together for so long, so walking away isn't something you do immediately. Your relationship is breaking down, and the best thing you can do right now is to let go rather than fight and complicate things. What you need is his commitment to resolving those problems, so you let him know that you're moving on until he's ready to do that, because it's not fair for him to expect you to hang around and suffer while waiting for his decision. You need closure and he's not prepared to give you that, so you give it to yourself. You have every right to do that

 

You don't have to "end" things if you're not ready to do that, but you should put some boundaries and distance in place. None of this "friends who hang out every week" stuff

[Keyman]

No, this is over and he is letting you down gently. He is also stringing you along in case something doesn't work out with someone else.

 

I feel like this relationship has run its course and you should walk away from it, cut all contact, and start working on yourself. Don't be tempted to jump into another relationship until you have spent some time with just yourself.

[Jeetsun]

I tell him hey I need a relationship or not and he says you know how I feel about your behavior and you growing. When I say I need to let him go to move on and find someone else he says what's the rush to be in a relationship. Does this mean he wants me?

 

No, it doesn't mean he loves you. Someone who genuinely cares and wants to make things work, do not take breaks, ever. Breaks as I see them are usually a means to test the waters with someone else they've been talking to/seeing and want to see if things work out while they have you on back up- monkey branching/stringing you along. I would suggest you realize that you have more self worth than this and to cut ties with this guy who no longer cares about you. Really, look at what he's saying and compare that to his actions. Are they congruent? Hell no.

[MissCanuck]

I tell him hey I need a relationship or not and he says you know how I feel about your behavior and you growing. When I say I need to let him go to move on and find someone else he says what's the rush to be in a relationship. Does this mean he wants me?

He also doesn't want to work on issues together because he thinks we will end up fighting before the issues are solved and won't have a desire to push through and he wants things to work long term and not exchange short term comfort for long term happiness.

 

No, it most certainly does not.

 

It means he doesn't want you to move on before him, so he can continue to get attention and affection from you until he starts seeing someone else. A man who actually wants you doesn't break up with you and then refuse to work on it. Really now, he is contradicting himself: he wants to "resolve the issues" before you can get back together, but he refuses to work on those issues. He is full of crap. He's got a dating profile OP - he is looking for other options.

 

If he was also caught talking to someone else last year, you need to be honest with yourself that he's just not invested in you anymore and the relationship died a while ago. You can hang around if you want, but I can just about guarantee you that you will get hurt all over again.

[Doc Blaze]

He is stringing you a long, IMO once he becomes comfortable with being single, he will move on.

 

I mean he already has a profile and someone showing him attention.

[Igor1]

No, it most certainly does not.

 

It means he doesn't want you to move on before him, so he can continue to get attention and affection from you until he starts seeing someone else. A man who actually wants you doesn't break up with you and then refuse to work on it. Really now, he is contradicting himself: he wants to "resolve the issues" before you can get back together, but he refuses to work on those issues. He is full of crap. He's got a dating profile OP - he is looking for other options.

 

If he was also caught talking to someone else last year, you need to be honest with yourself that he's just not invested in you anymore and the relationship died a while ago. You can hang around if you want, but I can just about guarantee you that you will get hurt all over again.

 

He says he wants to keep an open mind about the future and says I am very immature for wanting to move on and be with someone else. He says he wants this to work when we have both matured in the future and he said he has accepted a long time ago that when we are broken up I'd be with other men and that bothered him but not enough to get back together. I told him

I'm not waiting around and he said you're so stubborn you have always been. I don't see why you can't keep an open mind to the future.

[EternalOptimis]

He says he wants this to work when we have both matured in the future

 

If you buy that line, you are more naive than you come across. An online dating profile? You're just his backup, OP

 

If the relationship has issues, you address them together. ALWAYS.

 

I read an article a year or so ago about "going on a break". It almost always leads to beak-up, EVEN if the motives were pure (and they most certainty are not here).

 

You don't sound emotionally ready to face what you probably already sense you need to do. Be strong. I wish you well. It's not easy, but it's so worth it

 

 

 

 

-How terrible is wisdom that brings no profit to the wise

[Igor1]

If you buy that line, you are more naive than you come across. An online dating profile? You're just his backup, OP

 

If the relationship has issues, you address them together. ALWAYS.

 

I read an article a year or so ago about "going on a break". It almost always leads to beak-up, EVEN if the motives were pure (and they most certainty are not here).

 

You don't sound emotionally ready to face what you probably already sense you need to do. Be strong. I wish you well. It's not easy, but it's so worth it

 

 

 

 

-How terrible is wisdom that brings no profit to the wise

 

Yeah and last year when this other girl came around he came home at four am and said that he helped this girl find her car for two hours because I saw they got dropped off at St. Edwards at 2 am. I really want to believe him but I know I shouldn't.

[NightLily]

Yeah and last year when this other girl came around he came home at four am and said that he helped this girl find her car for two hours because I saw they got dropped off at St. Edwards at 2 am. I really want to believe him but I know I shouldn't.

 

Yup, this kid is playing you like a violin. If you want to be casual with him, then feel free to continue. But, do you really want to even be casual with somebody who plays mind games with you, lies to you, and manipulates you into stick around? Doesn’t really sound worth your time or investment.

[MissCanuck]

Yeah and last year when this other girl came around he came home at four am and said that he helped this girl find her car for two hours because I saw they got dropped off at St. Edwards at 2 am. I really want to believe him but I know I shouldn't.

 

Yeah, right.

 

Is "finding her car" how the kids say "finding her lady-cave" these days?

 

OP, you really need to stop believing everything he tells you. He fed you BS then and he's feeding you BS now, too.

[abitbroken]

He says he wants to keep an open mind about the future and says I am very immature for wanting to move on and be with someone else. He says he wants this to work when we have both matured in the future and he said he has accepted a long time ago that when we are broken up I'd be with other men and that bothered him but not enough to get back together. I told him

I'm not waiting around and he said you're so stubborn you have always been. I don't see why you can't keep an open mind to the future.

 

So - would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you? In his mind, you are not mature enough to continue a relationship with him, and therefore implies that you must change, but not date anyone else.

 

The real thing is that he has someone else in mind and wants to sow his oats. And he is too much of a weenie to just admit about himself that he decided that you aren't the one he wants to marry or that its not working for him. But instead he lies that the relationship is totally working - that you just need to grow up a little and to do that he has to go sleep with other women to grow. Well...something will grow, that's for sure,,, but not his maturity level.

 

He doesn't want you to hate him for the break up so he is trying to appear noble - like he is doing this for noble causes such as personal growth.

 

Forget about him, take time to heal and find the right guy

[glitterfingers]

He says he wants to keep an open mind about the future and says I am very immature for wanting to move on and be with someone else. He says he wants this to work when we have both matured in the future and he said he has accepted a long time ago that when we are broken up I'd be with other men and that bothered him but not enough to get back together. I told him

I'm not waiting around and he said you're so stubborn you have always been. I don't see why you can't keep an open mind to the future.

 

He's manipulating you, OP. He is making you doubt your sound judgement and right to move on since he has decided to call it quits on the relationship. Try and think about this objectively for a second: he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't want to work on the relationship right now, but he doesn't want you to move on either because you "shouldn't be in a rush", you should "keep an open mind" (or an open door in case he decides to return), and doing anything else makes YOU stubborn and unreasonable. Wow!

 

Where is the love and respect? "I'm sorry, I know you want to work on us right now but I don't see this going well so I don't think we should be together for now. I understand what that means is that we are both free to date other people, and I hope that we can remain friends as there's a possibility things may work out in the future, despite the fact that there is no resolution in sight at the moment."

That's what you say to someone you care for and respect in this situation. Do you notice the difference?

 

One is acknowledging your rights and agency as a free-willed human being. The other is asking you not to exercise those rights because there isn't closure in the relationship yet and he isn't prepared to give it to you but doesn't want you to move on before he's had a chance to do so.

 

Stop giving him so much power over you. He's disrespecting you...and making it look like it's your fault!