Mixed Signals or Am I Delusional

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I know I've posted quite a bit about my situation. Here's some background:

 

 

 

So after my last email, he agreed to have my friend grab my stuff from him. He recommended using a van because there's quite a few stuff (even though he used his car to haul my stuff to his house).

 

After figuring it out, I basically emailed him back and told him that it was probably more cost effective if he just got rid of the stuff than me renting a van and asking my friend to haul it. Doesn't make sense to me to pay $300 if the stuff I'm retrieving only costs $200. I asked him to confirm the items.

 

He then responds and tells me that he'll send a picture of the items. Then, 40 minutes later, he responds and says that he'll just store it in his garage and I can grab it when I return from my internship in September. Then he said he would help me.

 

The question is, why would he help me when I already told him I want to get my stuff off his back so we can both move on with our lives and not have to wait until I get back?

 

I don't know if he's acting out of major guilt. I told one of my friends today to delete him as a friend on Facebook because we broke up. She did it today. So I don't know if he's feeling bad and that's why he's doing all these things.

 

What do you think?

[shessofly]

Probably some guilt or trying to get things back to a civil place after the emotional exchanges you had yesterday. Maybe he feels bad that you are unable to afford getting your stuff. I'd get it over with if I were you. If it all got there in a car then you are right, it can come back that way. I would not drag it out to September. That's an attachment you don't need while you are getting over him. And who knows what will happen in the meantime? Either of you could be seeing someone else by that date. I wouldn't push it that far. I'd get it now or have him dump it.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry, but it sounds as if you're reading into this, and hoping there's a hidden message in there somewhere. I could be wrong, but my guess is he's simply trying to be polite and helpful.

 

One day at a time...

[MyLifeMyChoice]

Probably some guilt or trying to get things back to a civil place after the emotional exchanges you had yesterday. Maybe he feels bad that you are unable to afford getting your stuff. I'd get it over with if I were you. If it all got there in a car then you are right, it can come back that way. I would not drag it out to September. That's an attachment you don't need while you are getting over him. And who knows what will happen in the meantime? Either of you could be seeing someone else by that date. I wouldn't push it that far. I'd get it now or have him dump it.

 

That's what I was thinking. Initially, I just wanted to retrieve my stuff prior to my return. I really don't want to deal with the hassle and coordinating with him, so that's why I told him to just throw my stuff away. It's not worth the stress to me. I just don't understand why 24 hours ago, he was thinking about dumping my stuff on the side of the street, but now that I actually thought that was a good idea, he's suddenly wanting to be helpful.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I'm sorry, but it sounds as if you're reading into this, and hoping there's a hidden message in there somewhere. I could be wrong, but my guess is he's simply trying to be polite and helpful.

 

One day at a time...

 

Maybe, but also just trying to understand the hot and coldness. Like I mentioned, less than 24 hours ago, he was talking about dumping my stuff on the side of the street. He was like, "Stop going back and forth. Don't make it complicated." I think the most uncomplicated thing to do is to just forget about everything and dump my stuff. It really isn't worth the hassle and heartache. But here he is, trying to drag it out until September.

[shessofly]

"I got so pissed at this point and told him not to flatter himself..."

 

He says something you didn't like, so then it was your turn to fire off. He then fired back. The exchange got heated and emotional, and now a day later he has calmed down as have you. You are not delusional but you are over thinking it. He is trying to be civil. Now the ball is in your court to either say dump it, or I'm coming to get my ish on such and so a date.

[shessofly]

Maybe, but also just trying to understand the hot and coldness. Like I mentioned, less than 24 hours ago, he was talking about dumping my stuff on the side of the street. He was like, "Stop going back and forth. Don't make it complicated." I think the most uncomplicated thing to do is to just forget about everything and dump my stuff. It really isn't worth the hassle and heartache. But here he is, trying to drag it out until September.

 

Then tell him this is what you want to happen. Whether he chooses to store it or not is on him. You do not have to drag anything out til September

 

Maybe he thinks you are being dramatic. Who knows.

[MyLifeMyChoice]

***UPDATE****

 

So I basically told him that I didn't want to keep the stuff until September because I just wanted to start with the healing process. I told him that I didn't want to prolong it. I told him that he may have moved on already, but I still need to do it and that if I got rid of the stuff, I wouldn't need to contact him again in September.

 

So then he just responded and said that he doesn't move on that quickly. He said that he only offered so that we can have the happy medium that I mentioned in the first email I sent when I broke NC. He told me to have a great summer and to kill it at my internship. Then he sent me a video of a song he had been listening to lately, but I didn't even click on the link.

 

Just a bit of context about this guy: he had previously mentioned that he's the type of person that doesn't burn bridges of people he used to date (except for the one and only girlfriend he was in a relationship with besides me). When he broke up with that ex, they didn't become friends until years later. So essentially, I fall under the non-serious category, right?

 

Anyway, he's always proposed that friendship thing when we were talking about what to do for the summer. So now, if I still have feelings, I should not accept this offer, right?

[eidetic]

If you still have feelings, want a serious commitment/connection, and he isn't offering that or can't? Stick to your guns and tell him without conflict that you can't do casual with him. Not at this time, but also, maybe ever.

 

Staying "friends" with exes is pretty overrated, IMO. It really isn't a requirement, and you sure don't have to do it if you think you might wind up hurt by it down the road. If there were an actual point system to all this, I'd give you top score for holding your boundary and declining continued "friendship" at this time. You need to heal. Continued contact with what causes the pain is not exactly going to alleviate the pain.

[reinventmyself]

and consider this. . moving your things into garage takes less effort than trying to figure out how to dispose of them.

Especially in light of the fact that you stated you need a moving van to retrieve them.

Maybe he's just be lazy.

[LonelyJedi]

Only be friends with him if you can handle it.

 

If you think that you can handle being his "friend" not being as close as you guys once were, go for it.

Personally, I could never be friends with an ex. This is someone who I have been so emotionally & physically intimate with and then they downgrade you to "friend" level? There's no way. Besides, if he gets another girlfriend... how would you react?

 

I think he is just trying to be polite and end the relationship on good terms and not burn bridges, as he has admitted.

If this is truly over, go NC and don't contact him. If he contacts you, don't reply.... unless he specifically says he wants to talk & get back together.

[eidetic]

For what it's worth, I once tried for months to get back my possessions from an ex, and he wouldn't comply for love or money. Years later, we got back together, and he still had them, safe and sound, like talismans of hope or affection.

 

That's not uncommon, either. People sometimes are not really willing to part with your things, either because it gives them some sort of leverage over you and they can still keep contact (even negative contact) as long as they still have your stuff -- or because it and you still mean something to them and they are just not willing to let go of that meaning.

 

I know it goes against what other folks are saying here, but sometimes a person will hold onto your stuff in hopes that you will come back for it and stay. The trouble is that whatever the breakup was about right now is still not resolved. And you have to have some time apart to figure out each what your individual roles in that were or are. Sometimes that discernment or realization just can't happen together.

 

If you can replace stuff, replace it. If you don't want to replace it, be ok letting it go. And I don't agree that he is just being polite. Polite would be to pack it up and ship it back to you at his own discretion and cost. Talking to you about it is holding the line for your relationship to continue in some way. If the burden of issues that broke you up are still unresolved, "getting your stuff" is not the issue for either of you. It's the excuse for you both, to keep hearing the loved one's voice.

 

Somebody has to be the bigger or more mature person. If you honestly can't get over there to collect your things, or if somehow it's on him to deliver them, let him decide on his own what to do with it all. He may do nothing? He may donate it all or throw it out. He may keep contacting you about it. If he continues to contact and truly wants it out, the longer you stay in contact with this post-relationship issue in play, the more likely it will fester and become resentment.

 

Do you want the stuff?

Do you want a restored relationship?

[eidetic]

After reading your backstory it sounds like he is in pain about the breakup and moved toward that solution to avoid the pain of separation or "the inevitable".

 

Even in LDR it's suggested that breakups be handled in person. Why send a friend to collect your things? If it's at all possible for you to go pick this stuff up, even with a van, why not just go do that?

 

My take on his reaction to you sending a friend is that no, of course he doesn't want to do small talk with some friend of yours. The person who meant something to him was you. I wouldn't want to deal with a proxy in that case either, it's humiliating and sad.

 

The part I am still trying to grasp is that it sounds like the breakup happened because you chose a different dream or outcome, and he understood he wasn't important to you, and that you were leaving for three months and wouldn't commit to any future with him after that, even upon return to your local place. Is that basically true? If so, even if he is an angry or difficult person, understand how much hurt that would make someone feel.

 

Sometimes we just aren't prepared for what loved ones want or do. It sounds like somehow the game changed and he wasn't ready for your choices, and that maybe to him it touched off an old abandonment fear or wound. I've never seen anyone be very gracious or stable when that happens.

 

If you can muster the courage and calm to go face him and collect your things in person, that might be the gentlest way to part here, even if it hurts and it's hard.