I still worry about my ex, how do I stop?

[WorldGray]

Hello, I recently got out of an online relationship. I know that most people think online dating isn't anything good but honestly it was really nice for awhile. We were friends that met through online gaming site and eventually got together, we Skyped daily after school (I'm 17, he's 18). He was really sweet and caring, we would talk all day through texting and he always wanted to talk, talking about a future together.....until he moved into his own apartment. He moved into a place where all his friends were living and started hanging out with them ALL the time. I know that you're all probably thinking I'm just being clingy but this is not the case. I never bothered him about his friends other than occasionally question of what he's been up to. I only asked this because when we first gone out it turned out he already had a girlfriend, but I left as soon as I found out, but not long after she broke up with him and he was a real mess and I basically stayed with him on skype for entire week so try and help and to make sure he didn't hurt himself (he had self-harming and suicidal tendencies). But afterwards he said he wanted to go out with me again and I gave him a second chance. Anyways,But soon after he got his own place a few months later things got not so good. He was ditching me for his friends all the time, like when we had pre-set plans. He stopped messaging me all together and when I tried to message him like usual he would get angry and call me annoying. He started smoking weed, drinking, and partying with them. (He did this before but not nearly as much), and started hanging out at his single "female friend's" apartments overnight, and then threatening to hurt himself when Ididnt call him because I was upset with him. Eventually I got fed up with it and left again a few weeks ago because he got upset that he couldn't go to a party because I wanted to spend the weekend with him because I barely heard from him all week...and I that's when I realized I shouldn't have to force my boyfriend to hangout with me...he should want to. So I ended it right then and there. He blocked me on everything for a nearly a week until I got the famous "I miss you" text. So I told him I would go back to date him but I'll still talk to him. So we Skype for a few days, but then about two days later he call me one day and he has bright red hickeys all over his neck, and he keeps showing them off and trying to make me jealous I guess...? Saying he's having the girl who did it over again later and how he's rusty after not getting any action in months....but he still wants me to go live with him.I wasn't going to deal with this so I ended the skype call and he just blocked me again. (This was a few days ago) and I haven't heard about him since. But the point is, after all this I still worry about him all the time. I know he's digging himself into a hole with all the weed and drinking, and last time I heard from him he said he wasn't eating because he didn't have any food money left because he'd spent it all on all those things. I just worry about him all the time and It's making me upset all the time. I know I shouldn't but I just care too much. How do I stop?

[WombatShadow]

Sweetie, this isn't going to be pleasant for you to hear, but it should help you hear.

 

You never had a real relationship with this guy. Unless I'm really misunderstanding this, you two never saw each other in person, he started your relationship under dubious circumstances, and your only communication was via Skype and texting. That does not mean that you had a real relationship; it means you had a pen pal.

 

I know how real it must have felt and still does feel to you because I was in a similar situation for seven or eight months several years back. I mean, he was talking marriage and kids with me and how cool it would be for me to get a job where he lived, and I just ate it up as it was the first guy who had ever given two damns about me in that way. We did meet in person twice, met each others' families, but he ultimately ended it. A couple months later, it came to light via Facebook that he'd had at least five other girls who he was treating in this way, and I'd bet there were even more than I saw (I didn't participate in the conversation, and I bet others also refrained). Nonetheless, I insisted to myself that it counted as a relationship...until I started dating my now-ex. Even though I technically talked to this first guy much more than I talked to my now-ex on average, there was nothing of substance behind it. There was nowhere for it to grow and nothing for it to grow out of. Was there some physical chemistry when we met up? A little, maybe, but not enough for either of us to actively crave that companionship. My ex and I craved each others' physical presence when we were apart, even before we became official. That speaks volumes.

 

Your ex found out that an online relationship paled in comparison to an IRL one. It sucks to find out (the guy from my online 'ship? Yeah, he ended up dating someone from his church who he saw all the time), but most people cannot foster an online relationship for more than a little while. This is different from long-distance in that there are usually concrete plans and desires for LDRs to see each other regularly (even if not often) or to become local ASAP. It sounds like you and your ex had developed a rapport that wasn't enough to satiate him.

 

I'm sorry this has happened, and I know it must suck to see him making such terrible life choices. Block him everywhere you can, block any mutual friends you have (within reason; if it's a close friend of yours give it a pass), and start actively thinking of other things. If he pops into your head, focus on something else like what you're cooking, or an interesting article you read, or how many reps you can do on the machine you're working at. Audiobooks can help kill silence, as can loud rock music or devoting yourself to a mental task like writing. Eventually the thoughts will get sparser until they disappear, at which point you're pretty golden. I've looked up my "ex" since my big breakup, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest to see that he now has kids and a bigger house. This man, the one who I spoke to for hours on the daily, is nothing more than a stranger to me four years down the road.

 

Good luck.

[WorldGray]

That actually sounds pretty close to what's going on, no we haven't met in person but I have met his family and friends. We couldn't really see each other because he lived pretty far away. I only have one close mutal friend with him (he introduced us, but the two of them have had a falling out) and I've known that friend since I was 13 and he lives in the same area as my ex so I do intend to visit that area to see my friend (not my ex). I have been trying to get a part time job to fill the extra time in my hands now. I just feel bad because I'd said I'd be there for him if he needed it, whether girlfriend or not. I know I should worry about myself more than him but I just feel like I shouldn't be letting him go down this road alone. He's said every girl has left him within a few months and has had a not so good life, I guess I thought I was the special one that would magically fix everything but I know that was never the case. I've learned my lesson.

[WombatShadow]

I imagine that he made similar promises about being there for you, but he wasn't even able to do that while you two were together. Kind of negates anything you may have promised.