When to wait and when to let go?

[Alanab]

My depressed boyfriend has asked for some space in our relationship because of the children. I have a 5 year old son and he has twin 7 year old sons. We tried to do everything I the right way. We met, dated privately I then after about a year introduced our boys. They got along beautifully and after a year of meetings, days out, movie nights etc my son and I moved in. It started off great but now when they are all together there is nothing but arguments and sometimes bullying. My son loves the twins to bits but they can t stand him and don t want to play with him. So after many attempts of using reward charts, disciplining, consequences etc nothing really changed. The worse it got, the more my partner detached from the situation. It was clear he was shutting down (his relationship with their mother was turbulent). She had mental health issues and attempted suicide. He desperately tried to help her but eventually it broke down. But I do the think he ever really dealt with what happened.

His sons seems jealous because my son lived with their dad (they stayed with us every other a weekend and 1-2 nights in the week) and they saw him as someone that they needed to compete with. I tried showing a united front but the guilt ate at my boyfriend and he struggled bonding with my son because of it. He felt like he was betraying his sons even talking to my son. I think this resides with him feeling he's already let them down with their mum. So my boyfriend completely shut down, he said he needed space and to focus on his boys. I understood and left. He has since started counselling along with one his sons to get to the root of their issues (one son has a very angry nature). Since leaving he tells me his boys behaviour has improved and twins have said they don t want us back which has obviously upset us both. We want to be together but he doesn t want his boys to be unhappy. I tried explaining we just need to show them a solid family unit and they will come round but he s scared it will go back to how it was. His counselling is more intense than he anticipated and right now he's not sure how long it's going to take to get him and his boys sorted. He's so lost and low and doesn't want to hurt me. We love each other deeply and he tells me if there's anyway we could do it together he would but right now he's got some stuff to deal with. He's told me to move on to something better because he hates that he's hurting me. I don't know whether to wait and see how the counselling goes or whether to move on and accept the situation and if I do wait then how long do I give it before I accept its over.

We have been separated for a month and he's had one counselling session so far.

[melancholy123]

One counselling session is not enough, he needs to keep going as do his sons. Perhaps some group counselling, age appropriate, for him and the kids together could help. I think you should not push this issue, the kids are the ones who dont understand and aren't coping well, especially the one with anger issues. Maybe down the road you can get back together, when the kids are older, but it's not looking that way now.

[glitterfingers]

If he's had one counselling session so far I'm a little unsure what you mean when you say that his counselling is more intense than he's anticipated. I assume you mean he's acknowledged that he has a lot of deeper issues he wants to work on and that his family has a long way to go before things are going to feel 'right'. In that instance, it's best to give him space but remain supportive, and move on enough that you can feel stable with your son and can accept this situation regardless of what the ultimate outcome is.

 

I am really sorry to hear all of this, it sounds like a truly heartbreaking situation to be in. I can only imagine how he must be feeling with his children's mother attempting suicide and his boys clearly suffering to the point of rather extreme behavioural issues. It is hurtful what the boys said about you, but you should try very hard not to take this personally - they are children who are suffering and in unimaginable pain right now. It is unfortunate and upsetting, but they need their father to be 100% engaged and undistracted in order for them to flourish

[shellyf62]

It is best for your Son not to be placed in a situation where he would be bullied.

 

This Man's family need a lot of help & putting yourself & your Son back into the middle of it wouldn't be good for anyone.

[KantSleep]

What is sad here is 2 seven year old kids are dictating their father's life.