Should I feel bad?

[WombatShadow]

In short, I know that I'm not into the whole casual dating scene, but at the same time I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, either. I'm on a dating site and I'm enjoying talking to people, but as soon as someone asks me out for an in-real-life encounter I balk. There's a guy who I've been casually speaking to for a few days who is somewhat intriguing, but I just feel absolutely no desire to actually meet up with him. He just asked me for coffee and even offered to drive to my town instead of making me go to his (it's about an hour away). I haven't answered him yet because I'm afraid he's going to get snappy with me about it.

 

Should I feel bad about this? It feels like maybe I'm just using these guys who I'm talking to, and I don't want to be a user. On the other hand, I'm genuinely enjoying a lot of these conversations. It's fun to have witty, somewhat flirtatious exchanges with people with whom I share commonalities in low-pressure situations. Some of the convos have tapered off or just felt "meh", but others are good yet I just have no desire to take them into the real world.

 

Is this normal? Should I delete my dating account until I'm ready to actually date? Do I owe these dudes I've been chatting with some sort of an explanation if I do disappear from the site?

[mustlovedogs]

IMO, you're wasting their time - and effectively catfishing them - by talking without the intention of meeting. I think you should delete your profile until you're ready to meet in person.

[WombatShadow]

IMO, you're wasting their time - and effectively catfishing them - by talking without the intention of meeting. I think you should delete your profile until you're ready to meet in person.

 

That's what I'm afraid of. I mean, I guess I wouldn't be entirely opposed to meeting with someone if I really liked them, but the only person I did agree to meet I had to drag myself to the date and didn't end up enjoying myself at all (I must have put on a good show because he did enjoy himself, but I digress). I've just recently realized that I'm only really chatting with anyone when I'm bored or lonely, and I don't want to be the kind of girl who does that. That is not me.

[j.man]

You don't owe any of the dudes anything, even an explanation for dropping off. I mean if you wanted to, I guess the courteous thing to do would be to write a brief message you could just copy-paste to all of them letting them know something along the lines of, "Sorry, but I've come to realize I'm not ready to date" immediately prior to deleting / deactivating your profile (read: not allowing it to develop into even more conversation).

 

If I'm completely honest, there were times I'd keep messaging women who messaged me even when I simply knew I wasn't ever going to meet them. Could have been "witty banter" (though I don't think written / prepared word is an adequate gauge of wit) or maybe they were flirty / complimenting toward me and I liked the attention. Either way, it really wasn't cool of me. As mustlovedogs put it, it's pretty much catfishing, and if not that, then it's the next best thing. If you do insist on utilizing OLD for for the purposes of accruing pen-pals (just sounds tedious to me), even if just primarily and not entirely, I'd put a disclaimer of such front and center and in bold.

 

I know you've meant nothing malicious with it, but when you've got folks legit looking to date and putting their necks out there for such a purpose, it's really not cool to essentially lead them on.

[WombatShadow]

You don't owe any of the dudes anything, even an explanation for dropping off. I mean if you wanted to, I guess the courteous thing to do would be to write a brief message you could just copy-paste to all of them letting them know something along the lines of, "Sorry, but I've come to realize I'm not ready to date" immediately prior to deleting / deactivating your profile (read: not allowing it to develop into even more conversation).

 

If I'm completely honest, there were times I'd keep messaging women who messaged me even when I simply knew I wasn't ever going to meet them. Could have been "witty banter" (though I don't think written / prepared word is an adequate gauge of wit) or maybe they were flirty / complimenting toward me and I liked the attention. Either way, it really wasn't cool of me. As mustlovedogs put it, it's pretty much catfishing, and if not that, then it's the next best thing. If you do insist on utilizing OLD for for the purposes of accruing pen-pals (just sounds tedious to me), even if just primarily and not entirely, I'd put a disclaimer of such front and center and in bold.

 

I know you've meant nothing malicious with it, but when you've got folks legit looking to date and putting their necks out there for such a purpose, it's really not cool to essentially lead them on.

 

I agree with all of this. I think I've been thinking it since I reactivated my account, but I just needed some confirmation from people who don't "know" me. Again, I'm not the type to catfish, so when I brought this premise before my friends they laughed it off because it's just not who I am. It was definitely nice to have some attention from guys in a non-platonic sense (even the guys who I didn't respond to who told me I was pretty gave me a bit of an ego boost, lol), but it's not worth forsaking my morals over. I've seen what catfishing can do long-term, and I want no role in it.

 

Frankly, I've come to the determination that while I've largely healed from my breakup, I'm not completely over my ex. I've still got a feeling that our story isn't over, whether it's just wishful thinking or because the fates are trying to tell me something. Whichever the case may be, I don't want to be sending people onto this website to weave the tale of how I romanced them and then flounced away to start anew with my ex, so I'm resolving to not do any dating unless and until my ex and I have completely severed our romantic relationship.

[Hopelesemantic]

In short, I know that I'm not into the whole casual dating scene, but at the same time I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now, either. I'm on a dating site and I'm enjoying talking to people, but as soon as someone asks me out for an in-real-life encounter I balk. There's a guy who I've been casually speaking to for a few days who is somewhat intriguing, but I just feel absolutely no desire to actually meet up with him. He just asked me for coffee and even offered to drive to my town instead of making me go to his (it's about an hour away). I haven't answered him yet because I'm afraid he's going to get snappy with me about it.

 

Should I feel bad about this? It feels like maybe I'm just using these guys who I'm talking to, and I don't want to be a user. On the other hand, I'm genuinely enjoying a lot of these conversations. It's fun to have witty, somewhat flirtatious exchanges with people with whom I share commonalities in low-pressure situations. Some of the convos have tapered off or just felt "meh", but others are good yet I just have no desire to take them into the real world.

 

Is this normal? Should I delete my dating account until I'm ready to actually date? Do I owe these dudes I've been chatting with some sort of an explanation if I do disappear from the site?

 

My advice would be to share with these guys what you have shared on this forum, and let them decide. It may not be a deal breaker for some, and then you won't feel conflicted if you are up front and honest from the beginning.

[WombatShadow]

My advice would be to share with these guys what you have shared on this forum, and let them decide. It may not be a deal breaker for some, and then you won't feel conflicted if you are up front and honest from the beginning.

 

I already disabled the account, but actually doing this was something that prompted me to question my motives even more severely.

 

Last night I was talking to this guy, and he asked why I had disappeared months ago (someone at work bent my arm into making a dating account and pressured me into getting a date, so I was talking to literally anyone I matched with forced enthusiasm because I thought it would help me get over my breakup; I quickly realized how dumb an idea it was to be talking to men while simultaneously [literally] sobbing about my ex and deleted my account). I didn't even remember him, but I told him I wasn't in a good frame of mind. He kept asking about my ex and if I was healed, and I told him that while I was healed I was just looking to talk and wasn't pursuing anything serious. He then said he was good for just being friends, then said he didn't want to be friendzoned, and then continued to talk about how awesome I was compared to "other girls" on the site.

 

Whether I meant to or not I was leading him on, and that got me questioning if it was the right thing to do in the first place.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't think you should feel bad. I think you quickly evaluated what you were doing and acted swiftly. Which is good. I'm impressed with your self awareness

[Jibralta]

Should I feel bad about this? It feels like maybe I'm just using these guys who I'm talking to, and I don't want to be a user. On the other hand, I'm genuinely enjoying a lot of these conversations. It's fun to have witty, somewhat flirtatious exchanges with people with whom I share commonalities in low-pressure situations. Some of the convos have tapered off or just felt "meh", but others are good yet I just have no desire to take them into the real world.

 

Is this normal? Should I delete my dating account until I'm ready to actually date? Do I owe these dudes I've been chatting with some sort of an explanation if I do disappear from the site?

 

I know you've disabled your account no, but I just wanted to say this:

 

My initial response was, "No big deal."

 

But I've seen the show Catfish. So then I thought, "Don't do that! You're not being fair to people."

 

But now I'm kind of back at "No big deal."

 

The reason is, I think you should enter the dating world at your own pace. That may mean some false starts. Probably, as the situation dictates, you should come clean. Say something like, "You know, I'm genuinely enjoying our conversations, but I'm not ready to meet yet. I'm sorry if I've wasted your time. I understand if you need to move on."

 

Also, when disabling your account, I think it's common courtesy to at least notify the people that you are speaking with. But you have no obligation to do so, and not everyone values common courtesy.

[WombatShadow]

I know you've disabled your account no, but I just wanted to say this:

 

My initial response was, "No big deal."

 

But I've seen the show Catfish. So then I thought, "Don't do that! You're not being fair to people."

 

But now I'm kind of back at "No big deal."

 

The reason is, I think you should enter the dating world at your own pace. That may mean some false starts. Probably, as the situation dictates, you should come clean. Say something like, "You know, I'm genuinely enjoying our conversations, but I'm not ready to meet yet. I'm sorry if I've wasted your time. I understand if you need to move on."

 

Also, when disabling your account, I think it's common courtesy to at least notify the people that you are speaking with. But you have no obligation to do so, and not everyone values common courtesy.

 

I did notify the ones I had active conversations with, and a couple whose convos had tapered off but showed some promise. I think my big issue was that a lot of these guys were definitely looking to talk to people with promise and told me that I held that promise, while I was sitting on my couch going "well, yeah, but the only thing I can promise is talking, soooo...". I feel so free today because that guilt has just disappeared.