Is it normal to feel emotionally detachted to your friends?

[Peace of mind]

Hello everyone,

 

So 6 months ago I moved abroad for an intership (still living abroad). In the beggining I didn't want to go and I feared that my friends would forget about me and when I'll come back I would be totally alone. I have two good friends, one is my age and one is older. I hate to admit it but I'm totally dependent on the older's friend opinion of me. I try very hard to please her. Sometimes I even stop being myself just to please her. I consider her superor and I want to her to always have a good opinion of me. Before going abroad this thing would cause me a high amout of anxiety. When I moved abroad the first two months were terrible but then I started to get used to the place and started to love the whole experience. The more I would love it the more I would think how stupid it was to put her on such a high pedestal. I grew more confident and started to crave more freedom and independence. But I also started to apart from my friends, sometimes I would even hate them I don't know why. Everytime I talk to them on cam I have this numb reaction like I don't feel the need to participate in the conversation. I feel like I have to protect something and I don't know why. I feel like they have dissapointed me when in fact as far as i know they have done nothing wrong. The intership is ending soon and I have to get back home eventhough I don't want to and I don't want to see them but I know I will. I'am affraid that they will notice my numbness towards them. I also feel like my older friend and has chosen the other friend over me. Where are those feelings coming from? Can anyone help me with an idea or suggestion? Has this ever happened to anyone.

Thanks

[LaHermes]

PeaceofM.

 

I try very hard to please her. Sometimes I even stop being myself just to please her.

 

That is just unhealthy dependence. You don't need this "friendship" any more. Just cut it off and make new friends you'll enjoy being with.

[Peace of mind]

Yeah you are right, but isnt it my fault not her's? Can I learn to be independent without leaving the friendship?

[LaHermes]

You are probably long past this "friendship". It was a phase in your life. Now move on to the next phase. Be polite of course should you meet.

 

It will be easier to be independent if you keep this "friendship" at a certain distance.

[catfeeder]

There's nothing horrible about breaking a dependency and allowing your current friends to fall into more of an acquaintanceship category as you return home and are no longer dependent on them. Stay kind--no need to burn bridges--but also expand your scope and form more friendships.

 

As kids we bond with 'best' friends in a way that's no longer sustainable as we grown stronger into our own personalities. We were blank slates then, and it was easier to homogenize with others. As adults we own limits and so does every friend we encounter. We cycle through growth in different ways, at different rates and we often diverge with historic friends during challenges with family, career, new lovers, babies, etc. The friend who matter will cycle back into our lives over time, and those who don't--well, they served their purpose at the time.

 

"People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or forever..." I'm not sure who said that, but it's stayed with me, and we can never predict who'll be around for the duration. So enjoy people while you can, and embrace the adult way of forming different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. A tennis friend may be lousy at conversation, a shopping or movie friend may not share the same politics, the friends we confide in may not like crowds or attend parties with us. Respect each person's limits and don't attempt to make anyone your 'everything'.

 

Head high, and I'm glad you began to love your internship experience. It taught you that a singleminded focus on another person is unhealthy, and now you can diffuse that focus, add new friends to your life, and appreciate each individual not only for what they offer you, but for what you can offer to them.