s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Hi everyone, So I was seeing this guy for a little over a year, and a few days ago we completely stopped communication. Reason being is because when I tried to define our "relationship status" and asked him if he saw us being in a relationship, he responded with "I do see us in a relationship.. in the future". This really confused and disappointed me because he's been talking to me every day, seeing me on a regular basis and it seemed as if we were already in a relationship without the "title". He continued saying that he "wasn't ready to be in a official relationship because he's currently more focused on his career, that a relationship is too much work for him right now and he's happy with the way things are"... Meanwhile it seems as if we were in a relationship this whole time.. So it really confused me when he said all this. So I asked him, how do you expect for us to have a relationship in the future if you're not willing to put in more work for it now? I also said that it sounds like he is pretty confused as to what he wants and told him that he should take some time to himself for a bit and figure out what he wants. I said that I hope I'll be here when he's ready but can't guarantee it. (as I will be meeting new people/dating to try and move on) At the end of our conversation I said take care and he responded with "i'm always here for you. Don't be a stranger". I'm really sad about how the way things ended. Honestly, I miss our friendship. He's a great guy but he doesn't seem to know what he wants relationship wise. He's 28 years old (i'm 22) and he's really focused on his career, working a ton of crazy hours. However, I do think that if you really wanted to be with someone then you'd atleast try to make it work no matter the circumstances. So I was kind of hurt when he said he wasn't willing to put in more work for a proper relationship. It's been a few days now and I really miss having him as a friend, we were always there as emotional support for each other. I don't know how I should go about getting just the friendship back. Should I reach out myself or wait for him to reach out? Help.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indea08 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Can you be happy just being friends right now? Be honest with yourself.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 You can't really be just friends with someone you want more with. Imagine that a week or a month from now he meets some girl and they are instantly official and he is all giddy telling you all about it. How will you feel? It's natural to miss someone, but you have to get past it and move on. Lean on your other friends, fill your time and your mind with other things and it will all pass. Don't keep trying to stay around because all you will do is prolong your own pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight2001 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 hi, there's a couple of points i would like you to clarify here, if it seemed like you were in a relationship why did you ask fo definition? you were in regular contact and seen each other regularly, i dont know what the problem was, if in fact there was one. if you knew he was concentrating on his career why did ou pressure him into putting more effort in? why wasnt what he was doing enough? to be 100% honest this sounds like an ultimatum "I said that I hope I'll be here when he's ready but can't guarantee it." if someone gave me that, or any other ultimatum i would show them the door and wish them the best. i dont know how you are going to get round this as it seems as if, for now at least, he can spare no more of his time so he cant put more effort in because of his work and you have made it obvious that the effort he was putting in was not good enough. i would imagine the only way round this would be to eat humble pie and explain that you made a mistake and you want a relationship with him when he is ready and you are willing to wait. but you should only do this if you really are willing to wait. you have to accept if you ask him to try again it will be the same as before. so.......... do you want a relationship with this man or do you just want a relatioinship with some man? good luck in whatever ou decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plantingfool Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Hi!! I'm suprised that you waited a year to have this conversation. I don't think that you should reach out if your expecting more from him. Obviously this man enjoyed your company enough to spend a year talking and spending time together. Did you have just a friendship or was sex involved? Also I don't think that dating is the way to go with getting over someone. Enjoy the summer, go to the beach, spend time on you. Using someone else to get over this guy can be confusing because all you will do is compare them. Date when this situation has settled and your ready to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 hi, there's a couple of points i would like you to clarify here, if it seemed like you were in a relationship why did you ask fo definition? you were in regular contact and seen each other regularly, i dont know what the problem was, if in fact there was one. if you knew he was concentrating on his career why did ou pressure him into putting more effort in? why wasnt what he was doing enough? to be 100% honest this sounds like an ultimatum "I said that I hope I'll be here when he's ready but can't guarantee it." if someone gave me that, or any other ultimatum i would show them the door and wish them the best. i dont know how you are going to get round this as it seems as if, for now at least, he can spare no more of his time so he cant put more effort in because of his work and you have made it obvious that the effort he was putting in was not good enough. i would imagine the only way round this would be to eat humble pie and explain that you made a mistake and you want a relationship with him when he is ready and you are willing to wait. but you should only do this if you really are willing to wait. you have to accept if you ask him to try again it will be the same as before. so.......... do you want a relationship with this man or do you just want a relatioinship with some man? good luck in whatever ou decide. To answer your question, I guess I was putting more pressure on him to put more effort because I haven't met any of his friends or family and I wanted to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artsygirl Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 You sound exactly like me. It's a tricky situation, but you've pretty much described exactly how I would feel at a time like this. I've been through a similar sort of thing, and found that having time to myself has really helped me grow and develop as a person, become tougher with who I let in my life. It's natural to feel rubbish after losing contact with a person like this, you clearly care for him. I've found that reaching out too much can drive a man away from you, so if you were to continue to contact him and pushing a question on him he may begin to get cold feet and not want anything with you at all. If the guy wants you, he'll come back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 To answer your question, I guess I was putting more pressure on him to put more effort because I haven't met any of his friends or family and I wanted to. Whoa.....you were dating for over a year and have never met his friends or family or anyone? Are you sure he is even single? Because that is a red flag the size of China. You should never ever stick around so long in limbo like that and being kept around like some dirty secret. I don't care how much he works, it's not an excuse for that kind of behavior and you should never accept those kinds of excuses from anyone on why they aren't treating you like they should be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight2001 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 sorry i agree with dancingfool if you havent met any of his friends or family. are you 100% certain he was working when he was supposed to be? as plantingfool says, spend some time on yourself. things get better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 No future here. You have already wasted enough time on this guy. You should have had the talk, three months in. "Future" is code for string along. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Sorry, but he is not confused. He simply does not want to be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 hi, there's a couple of points i would like you to clarify here, if it seemed like you were in a relationship why did you ask fo definition? you were in regular contact and seen each other regularly, i dont know what the problem was, if in fact there was one. if you knew he was concentrating on his career why did ou pressure him into putting more effort in? why wasnt what he was doing enough? to be 100% honest this sounds like an ultimatum "I said that I hope I'll be here when he's ready but can't guarantee it." if someone gave me that, or any other ultimatum i would show them the door and wish them the best. i dont know how you are going to get round this as it seems as if, for now at least, he can spare no more of his time so he cant put more effort in because of his work and you have made it obvious that the effort he was putting in was not good enough. i would imagine the only way round this would be to eat humble pie and explain that you made a mistake and you want a relationship with him when he is ready and you are willing to wait. but you should only do this if you really are willing to wait. you have to accept if you ask him to try again it will be the same as before. so.......... do you want a relationship with this man or do you just want a relatioinship with some man? good luck in whatever ou decide. Asking someone to define the status of a relationship after a year is not pressure. Are you kidding! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 " would imagine the only way round this would be to eat humble pie and explain that you made a mistake and you want a relationship with him when he is ready and you are willing to wait. " DO NOT EVER DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! You will look a fool who has zero self respect. OP, you should be with a guy who is on the same page. Period. Never, ever, wait for someone to choose you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 This guy made you a secret for an entire year. Wow! I think you need to address why you allow people to treat you like this. Did he ever take you out or were all your dates in your homes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 This guy made you a secret for an entire year. Wow! I think you need to address why you allow people to treat you like this. Did he ever take you out or were all your dates in your homes? He did take me out on dates and we would go to the mall or a movie and stuff. But I've never met any of his friends yet. I've had the opportunity to meet one of his close friends cause he in invited me to go on vacation with both of them a few months back but I wasn't able to cause of work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 So I don't think i'm a "secret" I just haven't really had the chance to meet his friends yet and he's told them about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I'm sorry, but you are simply a convenience for this guy. The fact that you have not met any family or friends in a year, clearly shows that you will always be on the periphery of his life. You serve a purpose, you are convenient, when he has time. Why has this been good for you? He invited you on the trip, as he didn't want to be the third wheel. Expect more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 So I don't think i'm a "secret" I just haven't really had the chance to meet his friends yet and he's told them about me. LOL! C'mon! You cannot be that naive. He hasn't had a chance to introduce you to anyone important in his life in a YEAR because he hasn't had a chance. Girlie, wake up! You are no more than a convenience for him. And, the fact that he has gone silent after you had 'the talk' clearly shows how little he feels for you. He only wants you for companionship and sex, with no stings attached. You can't really attach any importance to the fact that he has told you about people. So what! That is nothing. Don't you want someone who is proud of you and wants to bring you into their life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 I'm sorry, but you are simply a convenience for this guy. The fact that you have not met any family or friends in a year, clearly shows that yo will always be on the periphery of his life. You serve a purpose, you are convenient, when he has time. Why has this been good for you? He invited you on the trip, as he didn't want to be the third wheel. Expect more, The trip was just him and his buddy. And I do agree with you, that's why I ended things because I felt like a convenience at times. I think the reason I got really emotionally attached is cause he was always the one to initiate contact everyday, and there was an emotional connection. He seemed to really care about me but I guess not enough to put more effort towards a real relationship. Now i'm sort of wondering if I should just be friends with him or not.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 LOL! C'mon! You cannot be that naive. He hasn't had a chance to introduce you to anyone important in his life in a YEAR because he hasn't had a chance. Girlie, wake up! You are no more than a convenience for him. And, the fact that he has gone silent after you had 'the talk' clearly shows how little he feels for you. He only wants you for companionship and sex, with no stings attached. You can't really attach any importance to the fact that he has told you about people. So what! That is nothing. Don't you want someone who is proud of you and wants to bring you into their life? I know.. I was the one to tell him to take some time for himself. So that's why he hasn't contacted me in a few days. Though what I'm trying to figure out is if I should reach out to him as just a friend. Nothing more. Because I do miss him as a friend. He told me that "he's always going to be here for me, Don't be a stranger" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 NO. You cannot be friends if there are feelings. Plus, I would be insulted if someone cut contact with me, just because I wanted clarity on the relationship. Doesn't sound like much of a friend. On your part, this sounds like an excuse, not to let him go. You're willing to accept crumbs, at any cost. Respect yourself and be done. I'm sure you have other friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 NO. You cannot be friends if there are feelings. Plus, I would be insulted if someone cut contact with me, just because I wanted clarity on the relationship. Doesn't sound like much of a friend. On your part, this sounds like an excuse, not to let him go. You willing to accept crumbs, at any cost. Respect yourself and be done. I'm sure you have other friends. You're probably right.. and I was the one to tell him to give me space/stop contacting me, So that's why he stopped Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
s0fly Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 I told him to take some time being by himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 You need to be done with this. He does not see a future with you. Move on with your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tmarcwho59 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 If it was real, there would be no question. Get Out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I've found that reaching out too much can drive a man away from you, so if you were to continue to contact him and pushing a question on him he may begin to get cold feet and not want anything with you at all. If the guy wants you, he'll come back If someone you've been seeing for a year is still unwilling to say you're his partner, and won't let you be a part of his life, it tells you everything you need to know. It may hurt in the short term, but asking for clarification about your relationship after this length of time is not an unreasonable thing to do; if this gives the guy cold feet it suggests he was never emotionally available in the first place. If you were asking the same question after two dates, that would be different. You can waste years of your life waiting for someone like this; years that you could be spending with someone who genuinely wants a relationship. You might find this article helpful: [url=" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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