Over Sensitive

[Plantingfool]

Hi All! It's me again! Sorry.

So I posted on here right before the weekend and got so much good feedback that I again wanted to post here. Update from last post: I have decided to really have a good conversation with my SO about the co-op and he seems to now see my side of things and is supportive. He has expressed that it is my money and I can really do anything that I want with it but hopes that me purchasing a place will not put a hault on our relationship when the time comes for us to move in together.

 

I am still feeling a bit rejected about him not feeling ready to move in together or get engaged but I'm slowly coming around. After reading so many of your posts I have decided that it's okay that he is not ready right now. But I have set a time frame. I have decided that if nothing happens from now until January then I will bring up the conversation with him again. I don't want to be the needy girlfriend who winds up pushing him away because of this conversation. So I am letting it go for now and hey who knows. Maybe I will be posting on here in a couple of months saying I'm engaged or posting on here that the time frame is over and I have a decision to make. But I am so in love with this man and going to spend my summer in love and happy instead of dwelling on this. I might need to vent here every now and then.

 

After posting I was thinking that I could poll you guys to find out: a. how long did you and your partners date before getting married? b. How long were you engaged before you tied the knot? c. How old where you guys when it happened? d. how long have you been married? Just curious.

 

This summer we are planning a big trip Greece. We are spending 2 nights in Athens, 2 nights in Mykonos, and 3 nights in Santorini. My co-workers, my friends, and my family keep saying things like I bet you are going to get engaged on your trip. I have just been smiling and saying I'm just looking forward to our time and trip. Secretly I totally wish that I would be getting engaged in Santorini. It is just so beautiful there. I know that it wont happen but it is wishful thinking. I am just going to travel with the love of my life and enjoy our wonderful (expensive) trip.

 

I find that I am being a bit oversensitive. This weekend celebrated his parents 45th wedding anniversary and it's amazing that after 45 years his parents are still so in love. They have a respect for eachother that is unbelievable to see. I want that!!! We want that!!!! We sat around the table and talked about how they meet, there best year of marriage, there worst year of marriage. They shared about difficulties that people have when they are married and how to stick it out. I enjoyed hearing them. When he brought me home we took a walk with the dog and did some talking about our day. He then brought up how he wants that with me. He can't see himself having that with anyone else. But then I said to him that I agreed but didn't want to talk about it now. I think he looked upset. I told him that I love him and I respect his decision about us not moving forward however talking about future plans just makes me a little sad right now and I explained why. He said that he wants to be with me he wants to marry me and have children with me but just not right now. I said that it was OK but I don't want to continue to talk about it until he was really ready to do those things with me and he said that he would respect that. It just makes me nervous to talk about those things. It's like setting me up for failure and heartache. He can say all of these things and what happens if they really don't happen. He told me that we are both on the same page but have different reading times (cute right?) I just feel like we had this super serious conversation expressed where we both were and I just don't feel like we need to keep rehashing it.

Anway thanks for taking the time out of your day to read about what is going on in mine.

 

Take care!

[Seraphim]

We were together for 5 years before we married and engaged for 4 years. We moved in together a year before marriage. We were really young though. We got married when I was 27 and he was about to turn 25 in a few months. We met when we were 20 and 22 . Been married for 23 years this April .

 

You both have to be ready for marriage .

[j.man]

Took two years before I was cool moving in. Took another year and a half (3.5 total) before I popped the question. We actually went to a resort in Cancun this past January and apparently everyone was telling her that was going to be the time. Well... it wasn't. Try not to tie the vacation in with an expected proposal.

 

And soonest we'd do the ceremony would be next summer.

[DancingFool]

He is telling you that he is on the same path, just not at the same pace as you. So, all you can do is give things time and wait and see.

I get that your emotions are riled up right now and the timing of the wedding anniversary was pretty bad for you. Try to breathe and not get too riled up. You said you'll give things time, now you need to really live it and believe it, internalize it, so that you aren't getting upset by these kinds of things.

 

As for people talking and talking, maybe just smile and tell them that you are both not quite ready for that and are simply going on the vacation to enjoy the vacation. Hopefully that will back them off so you can breathe a little and not get such an emotional pounding all the time.

[Plantingfool]

Congratulations!

[Plantingfool]

He is telling you that he is on the same path, just not at the same pace as you. So, all you can do is give things time and wait and see.

I get that your emotions are riled up right now and the timing of the wedding anniversary was pretty bad for you. Try to breathe and not get too riled up. You said you'll give things time, now you need to really live it and believe it, internalize it, so that you aren't getting upset by these kinds of things.

 

As for people talking and talking, maybe just smile and tell them that you are both not quite ready for that and are simply going on the vacation to enjoy the vacation. Hopefully that will back them off so you can breathe a little and not get such an emotional pounding all the time.

 

Thank you!

[Plantingfool]

Took two years before I was cool moving in. Took another year and a half (3.5 total) before I popped the question. We actually went to a resort in Cancun this past January and apparently everyone was telling her that was going to be the time. Well... it wasn't. Try not to tie the vacation in with an expected proposal.

 

And soonest we'd do the ceremony would be next summer.

 

Congratulations! How exciting. Can I ask the age of you and your partner? What made it cool for you to be ok moving in?

[LaHermes]

There you are Planting!

 

So, we met two years before we married. Got engaged about eight months before we married and lived together for those eight months before we married.

 

There was nothing terribly dramatic about it. I think I might have mentioned this before here, but one day doing something mundane in our apartment like repairing a shelf, he said "I suppose we ought to get married". That was it. No going down on the knee or all that stuff, which I would have hated anyhow lol.

We got the ring a little later, and announced the actual engagement at Christmas, (eight months before marrying).

My parents, relatives and friends were blown away because I was not the "marrying kind" heh heh. And they'd jokingly ask how did you convince her......and we'd just smile like co-conspirators.

 

My parents had a long and happy marriage, 40 years, until my Dad passed away. They weren't youngsters either when they married, he was 40 and she was coming up on 34. They were such different personalities and yet it worked. We loved hearing stories too of how they met.

 

So, anyhow, enjoy the trip to Greece, although it is so short, only one week! You are travelling a long way, so why not stay a month....yes!

 

As for this:

 

He said that he wants to be with me he wants to marry me and have children with me but just not right now. I said that it was OK but I don't want to continue to talk about it until he was really ready to do those things with me and he said that he would respect that. It just makes me nervous to talk about those things. It's like setting me up for failure and heartache. He can say all of these things and what happens if they really don't happen.

 

Well, P, you just have to deal with this in your mind, and set it aside and enjoy the holiday.

[LaHermes]

Oh, yes, re the moving in together before we were married. Well, it just kind of happened. No big discussion, no big deal. Made sense as no point in having the expense of two different places

 

I am also of the opinion "if you want to know me come live with me".

You do get to know each other when you live together.

[ParisPaulette]

I think you did an excellent job of establishing boundaries and desires and talking about future potential. This is wonderful.

 

And don't lose hope. I think the bigger issue of a lack of commitment becomes when someone says "I'm not ready for a committed relationship," at all. In those cases the people are wanting the best of both worlds and yet won't just go ahead and say "We're together permanently." I also think personally that people make a mistake in moving in together before marriage, but that's just my opinion. When you buy property, move in, share expenses and do everything but the marriage part then lots of times one partner has little incentive to go ahead and marry the other. It also causes added problems of no protections under the law should you break up and people can find themselves out on the curb with nothing, having spent ten years or more with a partner who promised to marry them, and kept all the property in their name etc.

 

In your case though I don't see any of that. BUT you are smart to give yourself a timeline of when you decide to walk away if things still are not happening. That's just smart and everyone should do that for all major life decisions, not just marriage. Big decisions like "I'm opening a business and will give it until X to succeed or I walk away," are just the smart thing to do. So it's good you are doing that.

 

In your case you're both already in a committed relationship, but you are not blending finances and property until marriage and that's really smart. And he just wants to hold off on marriage until he's ready. That's exactly what I did with my now second husband. The first husband, no. We got married in 3 months time and yes, that one ended in divorce. Two lovely kids, it wasn't contentious or anything. It's just the wrong time to discover you are not even on the same paths or have anything in common is after the honeymoon stage wears off.

 

My second marriage was after I was older. I met, I liked him, I liked him more, we fell in love. He would have married me right away and asked after a year of dating. It took me three years before I was ready to go ahead and marry him. I was very much like your guy. I told him I loved him, I saw only him in my future, but I wanted to wait until I was sure. And over time I got more and more sure it was the right thing to do, so I finaly decided enough was enough, we were not getting younger, he wanted it and had never been married. So I said yes then and we got married in Italy. Still going strong today.

 

And by the way we signed prenups, agreed on financial and property matters before marriage and we've each kept the property and businesses we owned beforehand. So that added independence, I believe anyways helps. Anyways I'm glad to hear you were able to talk things out. That's really smart.

[LaHermes]

Doesn't apply to everyone, Paulette.

 

" I also think personally that people make a mistake in moving in together before marriage, but that's just my opinion. When you buy property, move in, share expenses and do everything but the marriage part then lots of times one partner has little incentive to go ahead and marry the other. "

 

WE got married, and I could starting counting the couples we/I know who also moved in together before marrying, and indeed lived together for a lot longer than we did. I know some who lived together for three or four years before getting married, some a bit longer, some less time, but they all got married.

It goes without saying that common-sense must prevail, and one doesn't move in with just anyone. If you move in with someone flaky, and obviously giving off the hesitant and indecisive vibe, then one has only oneself to blame.

[rosephase]

You are giving him six months? Have you told him that? Am I right in remembering you've only been together a year?

 

You don't get to have his parents relationship because of legal marriage. You get that kind of relationship through work and commitment. They've been together 25 years not because they are married but because they keep picking each other. If a partner was pushing hard for marriage one year in I would be scared that they are more focused on idea of marriage then the actual relationship.

[j.man]

Doesn't apply to everyone, Paulette.

 

" I also think personally that people make a mistake in moving in together before marriage, but that's just my opinion. When you buy property, move in, share expenses and do everything but the marriage part then lots of times one partner has little incentive to go ahead and marry the other. "

 

WE got married, and I could starting counting the couples we/I know who also moved in together before marrying, and indeed lived together for a lot longer than we did. I know some who lived together for three or four years before getting married, some a bit longer, some less time, but they all got married.

It goes without saying that common-sense must prevail, and one doesn't move in with just anyone. If you move in with someone flaky, and obviously giving off the hesitant and indecisive vibe, then one has only oneself to blame.

Agreed. Personally, I think the only wrong way to go about it is the way that makes you uncomfortable. If you want a ring on it before moving in, more power to you. Personally, I could not make an informed decision to marry someone or even promise to marry without witnessing who they are in a shared space. And it's an experience that I don't think can be replicated even spending every night together but still having your own home to fall back to. But that's just me. I don't consider it any more correct than how others would do it.

 

I would of course advise waiting for marriage prior to purchasing property, or at the very least contractually agreeing to some very strictly defined protections between the two of you. But it's generally a lot easier to assure your portion of the asset will be secured through marriage.

[LaHermes]

Indeed, JMan. We did not purchase anything together until we got married. Mind you that was mainly through lack of time to even look at anything, what with massive amounts of work and travel.L.

 

I have two or three nephews who lived with their spouses for a few years before marrying, and they purchased their future home together before marrying.

 

One has to be very sure of the ground on which one is treading before entering into such arrangements.

[Gardeningfool]

You are giving him six months? Have you told him that? Am I right in remembering you've only been together a year?

 

You don't get to have his parents relationship because of legal marriage. You get that kind of relationship through work and commitment. They've been together 25 years not because they are married but because they keep picking each other. If a partner was pushing hard for marriage one year in I would be scared that they are more focused on idea of marriage then the actual relationship.

Thank you for your thoughs. His parents have been together for 45 years. My parents have been together for 30 years. I do understand the commitment that has to be made in a marriage.

I don't think that I'm pushing marriage. All I did was have a conversation to see where we stood.

You are correct we have been together for one year. I know that that is fast. I also know that he is the one I want after years of dating other people.

We are also older. He is 40 turning 41 and I am turning 33. He does comment frequently that he would like children and worries about how old he will be when he has them. Age is also a concern here for me. I have MS and the longer I wait the riskier it is.

I do appreciate your comment! Thanks

[Gardeningfool]

You are giving him six months? Have you told him that? Am I right in remembering you've only been together a year?

 

You don't get to have his parents relationship because of legal marriage. You get that kind of relationship through work and commitment. They've been together 25 years not because they are married but because they keep picking each other. If a partner was pushing hard for marriage one year in I would be scared that they are more focused on idea of marriage then the actual relationship.

I think that waiting to have a conversation again in 6 months is not a terrible idea. At that point I can make a decision about what I would like to do if he is still not ready.

[LaHermes]

Very sorry to hear that you have that health concern.

 

I truly truly hope that happiness lies ahead for you. I don't suppose it will make much difference to wait another 6 or 7 months before reaching a decision one way or the other.

 

But, after that, and as you say, time is marching on, something definitive would be helpful.

 

Give you an idea as regards age. A grand-aunt of ours married a man of 53 when she was 24, and....they had five children, and the marriage went very well.

[Gardeningfool]

Very sorry GardeningF to hear that you have that health concern.

 

I truly truly hope that happiness lies ahead for you. I don't suppose it will make much difference to wait another 6 or 7 months before reaching a decision one way or the other.

 

But, after that, and as you say, time is marching on, something definitive would be helpful.

 

Give you an idea as regards age. A grand-aunt of ours married a man of 53 when she was 24, and....they had five children, and the marriage went very well.

I feel wonderful! I was diagnosed 3 years ago. No MRI changes in the last 3 years not even on medication. The doctors say that I have the case you want.

I have not shared my 6 month plan and I don't think that I want to. I feel like that creates unnecessary pressure and that's not fair to him. When we have that converaation again in 6 months I will be able to access what is going on. Is it unfair for me not to share that?

[LaHermes]

You do what you think best GF.

 

Meantime, enjoy this holiday in Greece. You will I am sure have a wonderful time. Is this your first holiday away together?

[LaHermes]

Yes, that's what I meant.

 

First very big trip out of the country together tho

 

You will want to stay over here!!

[LaHermes]

No, GF, in Europe, not specifically in Greece.

 

I lived in a variety of continental countries for many years.

[LaHermes]

Heh heh. Well, Europe is home. We are fortunate in that the distances (flights) between our various countries are quite short. Not to mention the high speed trains, and even driving.....

[boltnrun]

Wait, are Gardeningfool and Plantingfool the same person?? I'm confused.

 

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 20. We got engaged the day I turned 21 and got married a month after my 22nd birthday. We were actually married for 12 years and had two children.

 

He did pressure me into marriage. He wanted to get engaged right away (like, when I was 20!), but my feeling was "I was a teenager just a few weeks ago! Let me practice being an adult before I have to learn to be a wife!" But he told me, marry me or lose me. So, I married him.

 

Sometimes I think we'd still be married if he'd let me have a few years of just dating and being a young 20s. But he pushed, and I ended up being that wife who felt she never got to do anything when she was young because she got married and had kids so early.

 

So, I think your approach is a good one...let him know you want to be married but don't apply pressure or issue ultimatums. That way when he DOES propose (hopefully) it will be HIS decision, and success is more likely.

[Plantingfool]

Wait, are Gardeningfool and Plantingfool the same person?? I'm confused.

 

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 20. We got engaged the day I turned 21 and got married a month after my 22nd birthday. We were actually married for 12 years and had two children.

 

He did pressure me into marriage. He wanted to get engaged right away (like, when I was 20!), but my feeling was "I was a teenager just a few weeks ago! Let me practice being an adult before I have to learn to be a wife!" But he told me, marry me or lose me. So, I married him.

 

Sometimes I think we'd still be married if he'd let me have a few years of just dating and being a young 20s. But he pushed, and I ended up being that wife who felt she never got to do anything when she was young because she got married and had kids so early.

 

So, I think your approach is a good one...let him know you want to be married but don't apply pressure or issue ultimatums. That way when he DOES propose (hopefully) it will be HIS decision, and success is more likely.

 

Yes!! Gardeningfool and plantingfool are the same. I could not access my account. I had not posted in forever and could not log in. Wow crazy that you picked up on that

[LaHermes]

You have no idea, PlantingF how SHARP we are in here. LOL