Experiment or date?

[Flora123]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm in a strange situation. I'm a 34 year old woman, had some long relationships in the past, almost got married, but never had a fun, experimenting period of life.. I have been single for 2 years and right now I'm really enjoying it with some fun affairs without much emotional attachment. I enjoy new ways of sexuality and learn so much about my own body especially with my current affair.

 

I have also a friend, a great person, we have a lot in common. We had some drinks last week and the night ended in my flat... He likes me a lot and I like him too. But sex wasn't as exciting as with my current affair.

 

I´m just confused and worried. Not sure how to continue this. Do you have any advice for me?

[LaHermes]

Flora. What exactly is confusing you?

[samkumar8783]

I wud say, if u haven't been so long with the person, give some more time and enjoy all aspects of life and see stabilize within best and weak qualities , we all are made if such, I had such similar kind of an year back, and my life totally changed with responsibilities , love , respect and fun too 😊, good wishes to you

[Flora123]

@LaHermes:

I just don't know what I want. I enjoy so much the risky, fun guy. He is not very mature, but at the same time I learn so much from him about enjoying life and about myself. I discover completely new parts of myself..

On the other hand, I don't want to hurt my friend. He is a wonderful, caring person and I like being with him.

[Flora123]

@samkumar: I don't know if I am ready to give up this part of my life yet..

[LaHermes]

Well, I suppose Flora, it is "choice" time. However, your friend is just that, your friend. You are not in a relationship with him, or contemplating the like. You are probably not contemplating anything either with fun guy.

 

"but never had a fun, experimenting period of life."

 

In essence you are living now the teen early twenties years you didn't have, for whatever reason. Best to enjoy these free times now, before you eventually decide to settle down.

[mustlovedogs]

Remember, too, that your friend may have been nervous.

[Flora123]

In essence you are living now the teen early twenties years you didn't have, for whatever reason. Best to enjoy these free times now, before you eventually decide to settle down.

 

This is correct. I had my first relationship in my teens and was never longer single than a year. I was also too afraid to experiment I guess..

[LaHermes]

Flora.

 

So you did experiment in your earlier years, (never longer single than a year). Yet you say:

 

"but never had a fun, experimenting period of life.."

 

So were those teen relationships not fun in any way, not "experimental?

[Flora123]

So where those teen relationships not fun in any way, not "experimental?

 

I had 3 long relationships in my life and those men were my only sexual partners.. The relationships were not really experimental.. I used to be very shy too, but in the past years I have completely changed. People don't even recognize me sometimes..

[LaHermes]

"The relationships were not really experimental." These were long and presumably committed relationships, but what was wrong with the sexual component......

[Batya33]

This is correct. I had my first relationship in my teens and was never longer single than a year. I was also too afraid to experiment I guess..

 

Do you want to experiment really or is this more of an "I should experiment" and if so, why with casual sex?

[Flora123]

It was for sure also my fault, because I used to be shy. But my last partner was also not very confident. The way my friend kissed reminded me on him..

[LaHermes]

"It was for sure also my fault, because I used to be shy."

 

In a long term relationship (3 of them) surely you know the "other" well so where would shyness come. You would have been living under same roof, sleeping in same bed, sharing everything in your home. Are you saying you were shy with the men you were living with?

 

"In my experience in relationships there was less possibility to experiment, especially after a while.

 

This is strange OP.

 

One would imagine it would be the other way round, that after a while the more one is getting involved with the partner there would be more room for experiment........

 

Were the men in those relationships not really into sexual experimentation, or...?

[Flora123]

Do you want to experiment really or is this more of an "I should experiment" and if so, why with casual sex?

 

I want to. I enjoy it. In my experience in relationships there was less possibility to experiment, especially after a while.

[Batya33]

I want to. I enjoy it. In my experience in relationships there was less possibility to experiment, especially after a while.

 

Yes but I was asking what is the source of the need to experiment by having casual sex? There are a lot of ways to experiment in all sorts of interactions with people and try new things.

[Flora123]

Yes but I was asking what is the source of the need to experiment by having casual sex? There are a lot of ways to experiment in all sorts of interactions with people and try new things.

 

What do you mean?

[mustlovedogs]

What do you mean?

 

You can try new things (sexually) with a partner. You can try new activities with friends or independently. It doesn't all have to be sex focused.

 

Also - no acknowledgement of initial comment. He could have been nervous.

[Batya33]

What do you mean?

 

I mean that you've concluded that experimenting in relationships means having casual sex with different partners. I am asking where you got this idea from that you somehow need to experiment sexually. I've tried lots of new things and interacted with all different kinds of people in my life and had adventures and plan to have more. I've never had casual sex and don't plan to ever nor do I assume I need to experiment sexually. So I'm not saying I am right in my thinking just asking why you've concluded that experimenting =casual sex with multiple partners.

[LaHermes]

Experiment or date?

 

Do you have any advice for me?

 

You mention having some fun affairs, no strings attached...

So why even limit yourself to these two men at all.

[SoulTaker]

Experiment or date?

 

Do you have any advice for me?

 

You mention having some fun affairs, no strings attached...

So why even limit yourself to these two men at all.

 

I agree. Op, it looks like you have a rigid, defined view of being with men, based on your past. It's as though you feel that you need to decide on one man (relationship). If you're at a time/place in your life where you don't want to be tied down in a relationship, then don't do it.

 

Just tell these men that you're not looking for anything long term (relationship) at this time, and that if they're uncomfortable with that, then you understand if they want to move on.

[Flora123]

So why even limit yourself to these two men at all.

 

LaHermes, you are actually right. But I thought my friend wanted something more serious. Mostly because of writing me messages about how much he liked and missed me..

After I told him that I was not looking for a relationship, he also confessed that he's not ready for one either.

[Flora123]

Op, it looks like you have a rigid, defined view of being with men, based on your past. It's as though you feel that you need to decide on one man (relationship). If you're at a time/place in your life where you don't want to be tied down in a relationship, then don't do it.

 

SoulTaker, you are right. I will experiment with talking openly about my whishes.