Why does he act like a jerk when I break up because that's what HE wanted ?

[hopeparis]

Hello guys,

My ex and I had been together for almost 2 years. He had been very distant, unsure about his feelings for a month, we had several talks when he said he needed space and I finally decided to break it off yesterday. We had a long talk on the phone when we said that we would think and text later to reach a decision. I texted him at the end of the day, and told him that the only way I would be able to continue was if he invested his all in the relationship, and stopped being distant (we wouldn't even talk anymore).

 

He said he was not ready for that right now, so I told him it wouldn't work and he said "yes". I then texted him that he could come take his stuff when he wanted, that I wished him all the best and to find happiness. I also told him it was better to cut off all contact, and deleted him off of Facebook.

 

He didn't even answer when I said "good luck for everything

 

What in the hell? I basically broke up because of his lack of investment and let him go as he wanted, and I find it so strange (and disrespectful) that he wouldn't even respond. He didn't even open my message.

Some mutual friends told me that it might be because he's "sad" or "is upset about the way I broke up", but I really gave my all in this relationship and only responded to his lack of investment, tried numerous times, so I don't understand why he wouldn't even say a proper goodbye.

I'm really confused.

 

What do you think? Has this ever happened to you before? I know that if I wanted to end a relationship, which his past behavior shows, I would do my best to have a "clean" break up and be cordial, especially since we have been best friends before being together and that the relationship was "very important to him" (his words).

Thank you so much for your input, I'm so confused because I would never do that to anyone.

[WombatShadow]

Hope, your boyfriend was with you for two years and has been your best friend for longer than that. It's not going to be an easy breakup on him, especially when you said it would be best to cut off all contact. I just went through this situation in February (great/best friends since middle school, dated for three years) and my ex desperately wanted to remain friends. I tried but ended up having a huge blow-up fight a week post-breakup, which ended with me telling him that I couldn't be his friend and didn't know if I ever could. He absolute cracked at that, full-on sobbing so hard that I couldn't understand him over the phone.

 

You have to realize that your ex probably still has a lot of feelings for you, and the fact that they've faded is probably hurting him almost as much (if not as much) as it's hurting you. If he's anything like my ex, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you, which is why he went the slow fade option (he didn't know how to break things off without hurting you, not realizing that it would be like ripping the Band-Aid instead of slowly peeling it). He probably can't see his life without you in it right now, and when you said that you needed to cut off contact the full impact of the situation hit him. That's smart on your part, by the way, cutting off contact at least for a little while. I fully endorse a break in contact at the beginning of a breakup, lest you lose your marbles like I did. Nonetheless, he's probably upset and not coping well himself.

 

Just because you know you need to break up with someone doesn't mean you want to, and those kind of breakups can hurt both parties the most.

[hopeparis]

Thank you so much for your long answer WombatShadow, it really helps me consider this in a new light.

 

It's just really hard for me to imagine him being sad because in the past month he made me feel more alone that I ever have in my life. He proceeded to cut contact with me while a was abroad because of an unsignificant fight, and didn't speak for a week, only to tell me when I landed that he wanted to break up. We met and he changed his mind, but wanted "time and space" saying "he was unsure of his feelings and of wanting to be in a relationship", he was very distressed and also sobbed a lot. For the past two weeks, he hasn't talked to me AT ALL, the only times he did was to "ask for more space" so this was the only option I had not to go crazy. I tried until I couldn't anymore, and still, he told me he was not ready to invest in me. He knew we would cut off contact because this same situation a year and a half ago has led us to break up, fool around a few times (for an entire year every 3 months) until we got back together, and he has been aware since we got back that I would never let this happen again.

 

I understand that he is probably very sad, as I am, but I also feel like I just "relieved him" and gave him what he has been wanting for this entire month. Honestly, he had pulled out emotionally from this a long ago.

Knowing all this and having suffered so much, it's really hard for me to imagine that he actually cares now.

 

But I think you are right. I need to be more open-minded and understanding, and non-judgmental.

The whole situation just seems very absurd and unfair.

 

I think going NC was the best move, I agree. I just feel like I never existed to him now.

[ThatwasThen]

he told me he was not ready to invest in me. He knew we would cut off contact because this same situation a year and a half ago has led us to break up, fool around a few times (for an entire year every 3 months) until we got back together, and he has been aware since we got back that I would never let this happen again.

My guess is he's making you over invest in your thoughts of him so when he does finally answer you, you'll take him back again for more eff buddy action.

 

Be glad he's gone and stop your obsessive thinking on him. He never invested in the relationship and he's certainly not going to now that you've ended it AGAIN. Give yourself closure in knowing you did the right thing to ditch someone who doesn't really give a crap about you.

[hopeparis]

My guess is he's making you over invest in your thoughts of him so when he does finally answer you, you'll take him back again for more eff buddy action.

 

Be glad he's gone and stop your obsessive thinking on him. He never invested in the relationship and he's certainly not going to now that you've ended it AGAIN. Give yourself closure in knowing you did the right thing to ditch someone who doesn't really give a crap about you.

 

Thanks for your input

I agree with you to some extent, I think he is indeed trying to trigger a certain reaction from me in the future, maybe me speaking to him or taking him back, but I really don't believe it's about sex. Our relationship was more than that, we were each other's first serious relationship and the first time we really loved anyone. At the end of our relationship we barely had sex because we were unhappy, so I don't think that's his goal here. He knows it's not gonna happen this time, and he wouldn't dare try ask me because, let's be honest, if he wants to be laid I know he can.

 

I think you're being a little harsh, he did make me happy and invested through our relationship, he just stopped a month ago and that's exactly the reason why I left him.

But I definitely agree with you on the fact that I should let it go and stop trying to figure out what's going on.

[ThatwasThen]

 

I think you're being a little harsh, he did make me happy and invested through our relationship, he just stopped a month ago and that's exactly the reason why I left him.

But I definitely agree with you on the fact that I should let it go and stop trying to figure out what's going on.

Did you not break up with him TWICE now because he wasn't showing you that he valued you or was invested in the relationship? That is why I said what I said. If I'm wrong there, please correct me.

 

BTW: You still have his things, no? If that's the case, then that will be his opening to come back into your life and he'll likely do it when he thinks he can get away with having you without actually committing. Don't have sex with him what ever you do if he does contact you again.

[hopeparis]

Did you not break up with him TWICE now because he wasn't showing you that he valued you or was invested in the relationship? That is why I said what I said. If I'm wrong there, please correct me.

 

BTW: You still have his things, no? If that's the case, then that will be his opening to come back into your life and he'll likely do it when he thinks he can get away with having you without actually committing. Don't have sex with him what ever you do if he does contact you again.

 

Yes, it's what happened but I don't think the 2 months combined where he was lacking are representative of a 2-year relationship... Although I agree that I deserve more (and that's why I left), I still was overall very happy with him and it does not spoil the good memories which were 80 % of our relationship. Sometimes things just don't work out, it doesn't mean that you never cared.

But trust me, I've learned from my mistakes. I was 18 the first time, and went through the hardest period of depression of my life. When I took him back, I vowed myself that it would be the last shot, and I no longer have any energy left to give him.

 

I know deep in my heart that no matter what he says, I'm not going back to him in any way, shape or form. I'm not in love anymore. I know he's not the one, although I still care about him as he was a big part of my life. But for me, once the feelings are gone, there is no sex happening. I've made this mistake when I was still deeply in love.. but I have learned how destructive it is, trust me.

If he contacts me to get his clothes back, we'll meet outside, and it will be short.

Honestly, I'm just trying to peacefully move on. I just want closure.

[hopeparis]

Really trying to not think about him, but it's hard. I don't feel love anymore but I do feel this overwhelming wave of nostalgia and hurt at some point during the day. The fact that he hasn't even opened my "goodbye" message, and it's been 3 days, makes it very tough for me to let things go. I don't even know what I should do about his clothes. I almost texted him again so he would pick them up this morning.

Any tips to move on ?

[reinventmyself]

You broke up with him over his lack of communication and participation, right?

Then you shouldn't be surprised that he didn't respond to you in a way that you felt was appropriate after the fact.

If he communicated well in the first place, you wouldn't be breaking up.

 

Instead of being disappointed . . look at this as validation to why you ended it in the first place.

[hopeparis]

You broke up with him over his lack of communication and participation, right?

Then you shouldn't be surprised that he didn't respond to you in a way that you felt was appropriate after the fact.

If he communicated well in the first place, you wouldn't be breaking up.

 

Instead of being disappointed . . look at this as validation to why you ended it in the first place.

Exactly. This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's just so hard for me because my mind is playing tricks on me, to the point where I'm blaming MYSELF for making that decision and being short in the message. After a long call, I texted him and said "the only way I'll be able to do this if you're 100% invested" and he said "I really can't do this right now after all that happened". If he wanted to try, he would have. I just somehow feel like the bad guy because I ended it and because some friends told me he was sad.