How do I tell my "sugar daddy" I have a boyfriend now?

[RainyCoast]

Have you found anything that works for you though?

I have planners and lists of daily tasks (morning routine, bedtime routine) that I stick on the walls, and a long list of things I need to get on top of that's attached to my "vision board" so I can attend to it when I have time

 

i do have lists and an app. sometimes that gets overwhelming though. i realized they are more efficient if i am not a slave to them. also, it's probably immature from an outside perspective, but adhd-ers need constant dopamine. i get mine from exercise and...reward. so the best apps for me have been the ones that give you a sense of reward, like a chart of your progress, or todoist for example gives you karma points. it seems so childish, gold-star for getting out of bed kind of thing, but it has motivated me.

 

 

my main problem is my free time, i waste a lot of it at home. i end up with hours of lost time, unaccounted for.

 

one thing that really helps me is to think of it as building habits. so i will not expect much more of myself than maybe building three new habits at a time. the easiest for me is to use "linking" activities, what some people also call "anchoring". for example, if you want to get in the habit of flossing regularly, you'd do it every time after brushing your teeth. i'll do stuff like, when i've used the bathroom, that is a cue to clean one thing in there. the sink or mirror. because it takes a few short minutes, i'm not overwhelmed. stuff like that adds up, so i have less major chores to do. i stick my revision notes in places like the cupboard above my sink or stove, so i do some revising while washing up and cooking.

 

if you procrastinate, it's helpful to do just a tiny part of the assignment (i read an article where a coach said : "floss just one tooth". you end up doing the whole thing).

 

the errands outside of the house, i find where i thought i was being forgetful, i was actually anxious, so working on the anxiety took most of that away. i also give myself slack if i'm not very organized at home, as long as i am meeting responsibilities outside, such as paying bills on time. first thing when i get home, i open all my mail, and if i had a meeting that day, my notes too. i check the mail, and then write errands down on a small whiteboard. mostly stuff from my mail and meetings, and maybe a reminder i need to buy a birthday present before day such and such. stuff that ends up on the whiteboard is the only really important stuff, and if i neglect my notebook or app because of it, no biggy. so pay bill such and such tomorrow at 8.a.m. (stuff bill and money in purse immediately), buy present for XYZ on lunch break, pick up forms ABC before 4pm.

 

they used to sell these post-it notes on amazon shaped like wrist watches, so you'd wear your most important reminder on you. i'm afraid i'd lose mine, i don't trust the glue. but i like the concept.

 

i try to do un*uck my mornings. by putting the dog's leash and collar on the hook in the hall, doing the dishes before bed, bought a timer plug for my washing machine so that one load is already done when i get up ( and i don't oversleep because the last cycle is loud), stuff like that.

 

i have a problem with not knowing where to start and following linear sequences. so i have to write things down on paper, then number which is step one, step two...i'll mess it up and jump from step to step when i'm at it, but i return to the list, and go back to whichever step i've skipped. it's funny, nutty professor type behavior. except when it caused a flood, but that was years ago. now a days the worst it does is burnt dinners, and devices left to charge- unplugged.

 

i think a great deal of adhd is a manic defense against a sensation that everything is falling, or about to fall into bits, oneself included. then comes the hyperactive attempt to do everything at once. or the attempt at pseudo-solutions, like organizing the home or following a workout routine, to decrease the feeling of not being in control of anything. identifying where i feel inadequate and incompetent or unfit for life has helped.

 

i have to time my breaks lately. i set the "beep" on my clock to chime every hour, or every two hours. otherwise i space out. i think i will also start limiting my time spent on the internet, like, give myself a two hour window when i can check whatever i want, and then disconnect. stuff like weather reports i can check from my phone, but because the phone is small and clumsy, and i'm not tempted to surf the web. i am considering time-boxing too. like, having a window of time for an activity, e.g. house-cleaning. it doesn't matter if it follows a list, as long as i've spent a certain amount of time on, and then stopped before i neglected other stuff because of it. then to next time-box with the next activity.

[thealchemist]

If you started a friendship with someone and there was some romantic intentions there I think you should end it after you become serious with another. Even if you are honest most people delude themselves into thinking they might have a chance. I honestly think that people who hold onto friendships that were potential pairings can't invest themselves fully in there current relationship.

 

Knowing this I find it selfish to keep people on the hook because you don't want to let them off totally. You think that they "need" you or that you are too important in their lives to leave when it is mainly you need the reassurance of THEM. Unhealthy to be in any relationship and seeking reassurances from former prospective partners. Makes it nearly impossible for most people to commit to a single individual.

 

I also see nothing wrong with the whole sugar daddy thing. People are paying for a service they want. Sex or attention for money and gifts. If some old rich person is so lonely they want to pay for the company of others that is their business. Sad and pathetic as it may be. But the people on both sides of the deal are lacking emotionally to engage in such a transaction.

 

What kind of mental and emotional stability are lacking to cause people to want to receive money for things that are fake unless given freely. There is a kind of fakeness to the whole thing that doesn't sit well with me. If someone is so pathetic to need that I have no business saying that the sugar daddy concept is wrong.

 

In my life I have had to go to bed between the bouts of hunger pains in my stomach from not eating. I have had to deal with some pretty dire financial situations. I have even stolen food before. But I cannot fathom ever trading my affection for money.

[glitterfingers]

Trying to understand this - are you basically saying you have no issue in using men for money when you are financially struggling, and using them/their money to help put you through university? This doesn't bother you at all?? (Sorry if I got this wrong).

 

Thanks for this question actually. Has me thinking a bit more seriously about why I've kept this guy around for so long, and it's probably not just due to the mentoring/friendship aspect but also due to the possibility of support that he symbolises (if things were to go wrong for me and I needed him for some reason)

[glitterfingers]

If you started a friendship with someone and there was some romantic intentions there I think you should end it after you become serious with another. Even if you are honest most people delude themselves into thinking they might have a chance. I honestly think that people who hold onto friendships that were potential pairings can't invest themselves fully in there current relationship.

 

Knowing this I find it selfish to keep people on the hook because you don't want to let them off totally. You think that they "need" you or that you are too important in their lives to leave when it is mainly you need the reassurance of THEM. Unhealthy to be in any relationship and seeking reassurances from former prospective partners. Makes it nearly impossible for most people to commit to a single individual.

 

I also see nothing wrong with the whole sugar daddy thing. People are paying for a service they want. Sex or attention for money and gifts. If some old rich person is so lonely they want to pay for the company of others that is their business. Sad and pathetic as it may be. But the people on both sides of the deal are lacking emotionally to engage in such a transaction.

 

What kind of mental and emotional stability are lacking to cause people to want to receive money for things that are fake unless given freely. There is a kind of fakeness to the whole thing that doesn't sit well with me. If someone is so pathetic to need that I have no business saying that the sugar daddy concept is wrong.

 

In my life I have had to go to bed between the bouts of hunger pains in my stomach from not eating. I have had to deal with some pretty dire financial situations. I have even stolen food before. But I cannot fathom ever trading my affection for money.

 

Yes, more or less what I just realised from Capricorn's question. Probably a large part of me keeping him around for so long is that I did need the idea of support. I most certainly don't expect to get that from my current partner should things go wrong, and would much rather be the strong one in the relationship should my boyfriend ever need or want to lean on me. But my circumstances have also changed dramatically (at least in my mind) in the last year or so whereby extended family that I did not know cared for my existence came out of the woodwork to support me when I was in need. This has had a large impact on me.

 

But you know, it's a personal choice. You might not choose to trade affection/friendship to get your basic needs met, but for me I am a naturally affectionate/friendly person and would willingly give these things of myself, money or no money. I would not however be prepared to steal food. Not to judge your decision to do so, but I personally would be unable to do that. I would rather a degree of shallowness in social connection (which is not that uncommon anyway) than to do something that I know deep down I am morally opposed to. I would probably sooner starve to death, knowing the type of person I am... Silly as it may be.

[thealchemist]

Yes, more or less what I just realised from Capricorn's question. Probably a large part of me keeping him around for so long is that I did need the idea of support. I most certainly don't expect to get that from my current partner should things go wrong, and would much rather be the strong one in the relationship should my boyfriend ever need or want to lean on me. But my circumstances have also changed dramatically (at least in my mind) in the last year or so whereby extended family that I did not know cared for my existence came out of the woodwork to support me when I was in need. This has had a large impact on me.

 

But you know, it's a personal choice. You might not choose to trade affection/friendship to get your basic needs met, but for me I am a naturally affectionate/friendly person and would willingly give these things of myself, money or no money. I would not however be prepared to steal food. Not to judge your decision to do so, but I personally would be unable to do that. I would rather a degree of shallowness in social connection (which is not that uncommon anyway) than to do something that I know deep down I am morally opposed to. I would probably sooner starve to death, knowing the type of person I am... Silly as it may be.

I understand differences in morals. Stealing food is the only thing a 7 year old knows how to do to feed him and his sister however. I am much more careful to not break a heart than the law.

 

The "needing" the other guy for a feeling of support is also a way to never be invested totally in your current partner. It is dangerous if your end goal is to create a soulmate with a person. Your partner should give you all the major things you desire in a relationship. If they can't give you what you need then you need another partner. If stability is such a big issue to you then that needs to be supplied by you and your spouse. Not a sugar daddy.

 

Sounds like you intentionally choose guys that are too flawed in ways for a healthy relationship with you.

[LaHermes]

Fully and entirely agree with your post Alchemist.

 

Stealing food is the only thing a 7 year old knows how to do to feed him and his sister however. I am much more careful to not break a heart than the law.

 

There are far worse things than stealing a sandwich or apple in a mega-supermarket chain, believe me.

[j.man]

I think that if you truly had difficulty reading people like this potential "sugar daddy" and if you really didn't understand the ethical implications, you wouldn't be jumping through a thousand hoops of logic and using morally benign psychological conditions to justify crappy behavior. Bless their hearts, but I think folks are being far too kind.

 

You're fully aware of what the decent thing to do has been and would be. And it sounds like you're gonna do what you're gonna do so long as it benefits #1. Being that I nor anyone else has any control over that, I will instead start a drinking game where I take a shot every time you very affectionately refer to your boyfriend as a "broke single dad." It's been awhile since I've gotten drunk on a Sunday morning.

[ParisPaulette]

It's really simple once you take away all the justifications or fancy yourself this man's savior, which you are not since you are not a trained mental health professional. Which if he has social issues is what he needs.

 

You stop communicating with him. That's it, that's all. You have a boyfriend who you owe loyalty to. You do not want a sugar daddy and have no intention of sleeping with this other guy, but that's exactly why he signed up to that website. He didn't sign up there, because he needs friends. He wants a woman to sleep with and he's willing to pay money for that. And he thinks you are that woman.

 

So again it's really simple. Don't be that woman. That means you block and delete him, and you move on. If you want send one text that says, "I'm not interested. Goodbye." And be done with it. No excuses, no justifications, no trying to reason with the guy or pretend you help him or can be his friend. That's just cruel, because come on men are not mind readers.

 

You break contact. And if you're worried about finances then most of your energy needs to be on you working and you making money for yourself. As long as you see men as an "option" for rescuing you financially or even being a financial burden or anything financial to you outside of eventually an equal partner with shared goals and values you will be in these dilemmas. So seriously, it's time to put that whole sugar daddy thing to rest. That means you break contact altogether. No friendship, you two are not friends. He doesn't want a friend. He wants a woman to sleep with him and he pays for that, he sees you bluntly as an investment in his money.

 

So there is no friendship to lose and if you stop all contact it will leave him free to go get what he wants while you get what you want. Easy peasy. Yes, sometimes you do have to be a bit cruel to be kind, but leading someone on after you know you have no intentions of giving them what they want? That is so much worse. Don't do that.

[Batya33]

"Of course it violates my values and sense of identity, but then again so does having to give up your home and lose your possessions... Tough decision, no? Interested in your opinion on that, though."

 

Not tough for someone who has values she chooses to stick with and standards and boundaries. You find a way to get a job that brings in income - and if you can't because of disabilities, you can get financial support from the government for that in certain situations. You don't justify being an escort essentially because you might lose your possessions. You also have to act in a proactive and preventive way financially to build up a nest egg. There are financial counselors and advisers and various books that can help with that.

[RainyCoast]

so we went from what is the ethical way to break up with him

 

to

 

as long as it's quid pro quo i am not morally against (i don't really want to break up due to the sense of of practical safety)

 

to i don't want to end up homeless.

 

even if you bring the concept of social exchange into close personal relationships, it doesn't help moral disengagement since you are not exchanging. you want financial sponsorship, except, he's asking you to come over, and you don't want to. an exchange would mean one of yours' social currencies is contingent upon anothers. your boyfriend is your boyfriend, and you'd prefer to keep it that way, and it would be perfect if the potential-ATM guy expected nothing in return.

 

i agree with you that you are very intelligent. i agree with J that you are perfectly capable of cognitively disputing your own rationalizations. I second my previous mention that identifying where you feel unfit for life and working on that would help both your social and executive problems.

 

there are no lifeskills, no survival skills, and a proper level of individuation that a woman of your smarts cannot achieve. work on self-reliance so that you don't have to seek others to depend on.

 

looking for a roof above your head can be done with integrity these days, even if it is a room with shared use of bathroom and kitchen. i lived in an 180 square foot converted garage (the same one that my mother brought me to when she had nothing and no one after running away from my abusive father, and her own). i had no one, i had a mental illness, an untreated physical illness, was re-doing uni, working and cleaning houses and posting concert fliers to survive. i was barely functional. if i could do it, anyone who is half- able can do it. many ppl on here had a very humbling start at individuation, and they seem none the worse for it, quite the opposite.

 

i was scared sh*tless, and i'm sure it wasn't just me, but it all worked out. it will for you too.

 

assuming you are not financially supporting your boyfriend or parenting his child, what bothers you with him isn't a lack of reciprocity, or the possibility that you would have to support him. no disrespect whatsoever, and forgive the blunt phrasing, but it is you who sought out male sponsors, and survived on generous gifts from family. again, not judging, and i'm glad they helped you out of that situation, but let's stick with the fact that you feel vulnerable on your own because you aren't financially stable. the concern is thus that he hasn't a solution for your financial problems. what better cue than that to start looking for ways to take care of it yourself.

 

how dire is your situation? provided it is austere, you have social services at your disposal. including counseling. i think it is a good start.

[Jibralta]

If I am honest with him and tell him I have a boyfriend, AND it's the same guy from last year, I think I will lose this friendship with him and I feel guilty for that because I actually care about him and wish he had a partner who would take care of him. I didn't know I would get involved with my friend again and that it would mean that my 'sugar daddy' and I would not get a chance to meet and explore some semblance of a relationship (he knows where I stand with regards to sex and romance).

 

I think you should say something like this to him. And then break contact.

[boltnrun]

Let me ask you this...if you could figure out a way to keep both of these men in your life, would you?

[RainyCoast]

You break contact. And if you're worried about finances then most of your energy needs to be on you working and you making money for yourself.

 

i want to emphasize this. all this time spent speculating how to make it worthwhile without obliging yourself, and the energy that went into it, you'd have come up with a sustainable financial plan by now if that's what you focused on instead. quoting mhowe ( whom i miss so much i am absolutely certain she hears my mhowwwwweeee wolf cries in her sleep), "both takes effort". (seriously. i still make some of my most important decisions based on that one sentence).

 

maybe you have simply convinced yourself you can do one of those things, but not the other. then you tell yourself things like "it's an exchange so i don't have an issue with it", and find yourself not the least bit relieved by that justification, and off you go down the rabbit hole of seeking a better one, and none hold (such as "i am worried that a man who is meeting responsibilities for both himself and a child will not be able to keep up with my budget in the future- although i am very concerned with whose budget will uphold my future).

 

i am not meaning to be critical OP. i promise. you are smart and analytic. you are rationalizing, and yet you are exposing those rationalizations on here, which i don't think you would be doing if at least on some level you wouldn't want this resistance deconstructed and taken away from you.

 

if there is a particular area where you feel you lack empowerment, please don't hesitate to specify. ena is notorious for rude wake up calls, but we would hate it if ppl who gather the courage to be open to scrutiny would end up feeling torn down. i'm sure people have loads of suggestions and advice that would build you up.

[glitterfingers]

I think that if you truly had difficulty reading people like this potential "sugar daddy" and if you really didn't understand the ethical implications, you wouldn't be jumping through a thousand hoops of logic and using morally benign psychological conditions to justify crappy behavior. Bless their hearts, but I think folks are being far too kind.

 

You're fully aware of what the decent thing to do has been and would be. And it sounds like you're gonna do what you're gonna do so long as it benefits #1. Being that I nor anyone else has any control over that, I will instead start a drinking game where I take a shot every time you very affectionately refer to your boyfriend as a "broke single dad." It's been awhile since I've gotten drunk on a Sunday morning.

 

Lol, I don't legitimately understand what you think I've done here that has ethical implications other than entertain a friendship with this guy while I was single.

 

And yeah, he is a broke single dad and that has implications for my relationship with him. (i.e.) I, a broke university student, am the one who has to visit him to make the relationship work as he simply cannot afford the time nor money to do the same for me. And I am choosing that. But it is difficult and I'm not really complaining, just explaining.

 

How is that different from someone acknowledging that they're dating a time-poor medical student and the pressures that puts on the relationship? I tend to think in some situations you enjoy finding flaws with people more than you do understanding their position and providing actual advice...

[glitterfingers]

It's really simple once you take away all the justifications or fancy yourself this man's savior, which you are not since you are not a trained mental health professional. Which if he has social issues is what he needs.

 

You stop communicating with him. That's it, that's all. You have a boyfriend who you owe loyalty to. You do not want a sugar daddy and have no intention of sleeping with this other guy, but that's exactly why he signed up to that website. He didn't sign up there, because he needs friends. He wants a woman to sleep with and he's willing to pay money for that. And he thinks you are that woman.

 

So again it's really simple. Don't be that woman. That means you block and delete him, and you move on. If you want send one text that says, "I'm not interested. Goodbye." And be done with it. No excuses, no justifications, no trying to reason with the guy or pretend you help him or can be his friend. That's just cruel, because come on men are not mind readers.

 

You break contact. And if you're worried about finances then most of your energy needs to be on you working and you making money for yourself. As long as you see men as an "option" for rescuing you financially or even being a financial burden or anything financial to you outside of eventually an equal partner with shared goals and values you will be in these dilemmas. So seriously, it's time to put that whole sugar daddy thing to rest. That means you break contact altogether. No friendship, you two are not friends. He doesn't want a friend. He wants a woman to sleep with him and he pays for that, he sees you bluntly as an investment in his money.

 

So there is no friendship to lose and if you stop all contact it will leave him free to go get what he wants while you get what you want. Easy peasy. Yes, sometimes you do have to be a bit cruel to be kind, but leading someone on after you know you have no intentions of giving them what they want? That is so much worse. Don't do that.

 

"Of course it violates my values and sense of identity, but then again so does having to give up your home and lose your possessions... Tough decision, no? Interested in your opinion on that, though."

 

Not tough for someone who has values she chooses to stick with and standards and boundaries. You find a way to get a job that brings in income - and if you can't because of disabilities, you can get financial support from the government for that in certain situations. You don't justify being an escort essentially because you might lose your possessions. You also have to act in a proactive and preventive way financially to build up a nest egg. There are financial counselors and advisers and various books that can help with that.

 

Let me ask you this...if you could figure out a way to keep both of these men in your life, would you?

 

i want to emphasize this. all this time spent speculating how to make it worthwhile without obliging yourself, and the energy that went into it, you'd have come up with a sustainable financial plan by now if that's what you focused on instead. quoting mhowe ( whom i miss so much i am absolutely certain she hears my mhowwwwweeee wolf cries in her sleep), "both takes effort". (seriously. i still make some of my most important decisions based on that one sentence).

 

maybe you have simply convinced yourself you can do one of those things, but not the other. then you tell yourself things like "it's an exchange so i don't have an issue with it", and find yourself not the least bit relieved by that justification, and off you go down the rabbit hole of seeking a better one, and none hold (such as "i am worried that a man who is meeting responsibilities for both himself and a child will not be able to keep up with my budget in the future- although i am very concerned with whose budget will uphold my future).

 

i am not meaning to be critical OP. i promise. you are smart and analytic. you are rationalizing, and yet you are exposing those rationalizations on here, which i don't think you would be doing if at least on some level you wouldn't want this resistance deconstructed and taken away from you.

 

if there is a particular area where you feel you lack empowerment, please don't hesitate to specify. ena is notorious for rude wake up calls, but we would hate it if ppl who gather the courage to be open to scrutiny would end up feeling torn down. i'm sure people have loads of suggestions and advice that would build you up.

 

I really appreciate all the effort people are putting into their responses, but I think the advice is a little to heavy on the ethics side of something I considered for a while when I was in a financially difficult situation. I have since put measures in place, as well as received family support, that mean that I don't in fact need to work while I study or need the extra income. But it certainly was not an easy thing for me to do, took about a year or constant struggle and being threatened with eviction, whilst I was also unable to find suitable work or get enough government support to cover my basic needs. Things like financial advice and therapy generally require money, and when you can't even cover your basic necessities due to circumstances that are largely beyond your control, it's not as simple as "just get social security". Social security sometimes isn't enough. The fact remains that I don't, didn't and wouldn't "justify being an escort", though if I did I still wouldn't think you have a right to judge me for that. My partner knows that there was a time I considered it, he knows why I did, he also knows that I was unable to go through with it, and he accepts those things about me. Opinions about me considering that for a brief point in my life don't seem relevant to the issue at hand. Unless I'm missing something here?

 

I have maintained the friendship with the other guy for a few reasons... One is he is in a position that I would aspire to work towards professionally, and has many times given me advice on how to advance myself (while I was still single). Another is that he divulged personal information to me and wanted to stay friends despite me telling him that I would not be looking for an arrangement with him, but possibly some semblance of a relationship in future (at that time I rejected the offer of financial support altogether). And the third reason I'm coming to realise is that knowing he was there, even if I didn't intend to rely on him, has probably been beneficial for me. And since I was single, I still do not understand what is ethically wrong about knowing that I have a "friend" who is somewhat wealthy and cares enough about my existence to not let me be homeless.

 

The world is a scary place for single young women without support from their families, and I highly doubt that if any of you were indeed in the situation I'd been in, that you'd reject the idea of someone in your life who was willing to help you out if you were seriously in need, whether or not that eventuated in anything sexual or romantic. Thankfully, I am in a better place now so I don't need him for that, but also thanks to some of the discussion here I realise why I probably was reluctant to let him go for so long.

 

Now that I have a partner who I love, and am in a situation where I understand that this other guy is not content just exchanging two or three messages asking how I am (and since I haven't engaged with him in several months), my question here was how I can handle the situation without hurting or making anyone jealous. In essence, I don't think this guy is only interested in me for sex, as he has shown me more than that (and could easily find an escort/arrangement with another girl in the last 18 months, which he hasn't). And so in a sense what I have in fact done is unintentionally strung him along and then gone and developed a "real" relationship with someone else. So maybe I am wrong for doing that, and I need to end it for that reason. As I've tried to mention a few times, I'm not all that great with understanding other people and social etiquette, so conversation on this has indeed been quite helpful, but then again I don't know how much I appreciate the questions with regard to my integrity just because I haven't had the opportunity to establish a fully fledged idea of what is actually happening here. My relationship is still relatively new so that's what I'm trying to do now.

 

So, thank you for helping me better understand what's going on here

[LaHermes]

"The world is a scary place for single young women without support from their families..."

 

There are thousands of young single women out there without support from anyone, maybe even millions.

No scarier for them than for you.

 

For the record for many years I was a single young woman out in the world (abroad), and at times finances were tight, but I never ever felt the need to have a wealthy "uncle" to look after me. Fact is the idea makes me cringe. Then again I have never scared easily, so the world was not particularly scary to me. Sure I had friends, but not the "wealthy uncle" variety......

 

However, it was your call, and your life.

 

But don't compare the rest of us to you.

 

" and I highly doubt that if any of you were indeed in the situation I'd been in, that you'd reject the idea of someone in your life who was willing to help you out if you were seriously in need, whether or not that eventuated in anything sexual or romantic."

[glitterfingers]

Let me ask you this...if you could figure out a way to keep both of these men in your life, would you?

 

I did consider that, but thankfully due to the discussion here I have a better understanding of what that actually means. That is, this guy will not be content to remain friends with me simply because he likes me as an individual (and it's probably quite naive of me to have thought that he might). I like the idea of having a friend in high places, but I understand the cost of that is that he would only see me as a sexual/romantic option as that's all I have to offer him.

 

Questions like these are good for me to understand the situation in terms of deeper social implications, rather than just cause and effect (i.e. shallow observation, which is about the most I can muster in many situations). So thank you for that

[glitterfingers]

"The world is a scary place for single young women without support from their families..."

 

There are thousands of young single women out there without support from anyone, maybe even millions.

No scarier for them than for you.

 

For the record for many years I was a single young woman out in the world (abroad), and at times finances were tight, but I never ever felt the need to have a wealthy "uncle" to look after me. Fact is the idea makes me cringe. Then again I have never scared easily, so the world was not particularly scary to me. Sure I had friends, but not the "wealthy uncle" variety......

 

However, it was your call, and your life.

 

But don't compare the rest of us to you.

 

" and I highly doubt that if any of you were indeed in the situation I'd been in, that you'd reject the idea of someone in your life who was willing to help you out if you were seriously in need, whether or not that eventuated in anything sexual or romantic."

 

I'm not comparing the rest of you to me, but if you have never had to consider ways to get money when you're completely unable to find suitable work then you haven't been in the same situation that I've been in. That's all I'm trying to say. I appreciate that many women have never had to consider those things, however there are many more millions of women who do have to resort to such things every single day in order to survive. That is a very sad thing, and I consider myself very lucky that I never had to go through with this

[annie24]

I only refer to him as a sugar daddy in this post in order to differentiate the person I'm speaking about other than my boyfriend who I also referred to as my friend in the same post. Gets a bit confusing otherwise. My "sugar daddy" has never given me money and I have never accepted any kind of gift or gesture from him, there was the potential for a relationship in the future but as far as he knows I'm not dating anyone right now (as I hadn't intended to date anyone) and that's why I'm not dating him. He knows that I would be uncomfortable accepting an income from him but he would have done things like paid for me to visit him and go on trips with him so that we could have time together. Anyway, neither here nor there.

 

I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I don't see that you and your "SD" have any kind of a relationship beyond an internet friendship. I wouldn't call him an SD at all. I don't think you have done anything wrong in getting a new bf. You should also get off the SD website and focus on your relationship and tell your internet friend you have a boyfriend.

[Batya33]

Tell the man you met on the sugar daddy site that you have a potential boyfriend and that you've realized that you and he (sugar daddy) are not a good match romantically. That if you stay in touch with him it will be as friends only if he feels you have something to offer him as a platonic friend. And that if he feels he can't have a platonic friendship with you that's fine but that's all you can offer right now. You have no idea how many other women he is chatting with or having sex with. Only stay in touch if your boyfriend is comfortable with that and that if you actually meet him he will be invited to meet him as well if he likes.

 

I would not date the other guy if I were you if you don't admire him or respect him - your comments about his financial situation make me wonder if you are that into him or feel you are compatible with him for the long term. Are you ok with being the main provider and being a potential stepmother?

 

As far as your integrity - put that term aside - you have several times justified in this thread being in an escort-like situation because you are in financial need and suggested that if other women were in your shoes they likely would do the same. That is why those questions came up.

 

In 2005 I communicated with a man on a dating site. I decided not to meet him because we'd be long distance and because he'd expect me not to date anyone else until we could meet. But, we stayed in touch as friends. I tried to set him up with friends of mine, too. 4 years later he happened to be coming to my new hometown to meet a woman through the same dating site. By that point in time I was a married mom. So, we actually met in person. I brought my baby and he brought his date and my husband knew all about it, was invited to come and decided not to. Since then I've met up with him two more times since he has family in my new home town. We are platonic friends and my husband is totally fine with it. I value my friendship with him and know I am not leading him on. So, IMO it can work out just fine with open/honest communication.

[itsallgrand]

Everything else aside, you don't owe Internet sugar daddy dude anything. It was never a relationship or friendship. I think it would be naive to think it was. You don't have to explain anything to him.

 

Leave it for your own well being, not because you have a bf now. Nothing is free, and morals aside, it's a dark world commodifying yourself.

[glitterfingers]

so we went from what is the ethical way to break up with him

 

to

 

as long as it's quid pro quo i am not morally against (i don't really want to break up due to the sense of of practical safety)

 

to i don't want to end up homeless.

 

even if you bring the concept of social exchange into close personal relationships, it doesn't help moral disengagement since you are not exchanging. you want financial sponsorship, except, he's asking you to come over, and you don't want to. an exchange would mean one of yours' social currencies is contingent upon anothers. your boyfriend is your boyfriend, and you'd prefer to keep it that way, and it would be perfect if the potential-ATM guy expected nothing in return.

 

i agree with you that you are very intelligent. i agree with J that you are perfectly capable of cognitively disputing your own rationalizations. I second my previous mention that identifying where you feel unfit for life and working on that would help both your social and executive problems.

 

there are no lifeskills, no survival skills, and a proper level of individuation that a woman of your smarts cannot achieve. work on self-reliance so that you don't have to seek others to depend on.

 

looking for a roof above your head can be done with integrity these days, even if it is a room with shared use of bathroom and kitchen. i lived in an 180 square foot converted garage (the same one that my mother brought me to when she had nothing and no one after running away from my abusive father, and her own). i had no one, i had a mental illness, an untreated physical illness, was re-doing uni, working and cleaning houses and posting concert fliers to survive. i was barely functional. if i could do it, anyone who is half- able can do it. many ppl on here had a very humbling start at individuation, and they seem none the worse for it, quite the opposite.

 

i was scared sh*tless, and i'm sure it wasn't just me, but it all worked out. it will for you too.

 

assuming you are not financially supporting your boyfriend or parenting his child, what bothers you with him isn't a lack of reciprocity, or the possibility that you would have to support him. no disrespect whatsoever, and forgive the blunt phrasing, but it is you who sought out male sponsors, and survived on generous gifts from family. again, not judging, and i'm glad they helped you out of that situation, but let's stick with the fact that you feel vulnerable on your own because you aren't financially stable. the concern is thus that he hasn't a solution for your financial problems. what better cue than that to start looking for ways to take care of it yourself.

 

how dire is your situation? provided it is austere, you have social services at your disposal. including counseling. i think it is a good start.

 

Again, I do appreciate the conversation on the matter, but I simply did not have the same kinds of support and did not have family who could take me in or provide somewhere for me to live. Or so I thought, anyhow. It didn't occur to me to hunt down more distant relatives and ask for support, as to me they were basically strangers and so it was no different to asking any other stranger for help. It wouldn't surprise me if one of my brothers was behind some of this when they found out I was looking at the possibility of getting support from strange men online...

 

And yes I do have things working to my advantage such as my intelligence, but that doesn't prevent the fact that I miss aspects of social etiquette and social implication that for others come intuitively. I could explain my strengths and weaknesses in this regard to you at length, using this example even, but I don't think anyone cares for that

 

I do feel vulnerable, but my partner also gives me a certain strength that I could never get from any of the other men that I had in my life. Just by virtue of being who he is (and having similar struggles to me, understanding me on a deeper level). That, I think, is what I needed and was waiting for, though I didn't realise he was what I needed until he came along. I love him for that

[glitterfingers]

I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I don't see that you and your "SD" have any kind of a relationship beyond an internet friendship. I wouldn't call him an SD at all. I don't think you have done anything wrong in getting a new bf. You should also get off the SD website and focus on your relationship and tell your internet friend you have a boyfriend.

 

That's basically what he is, just an internet friend who I've inadvertently strung along for the fact I was probably reluctant to let him go (symbol of financial support and professional advancement). I haven't been on that site since my boyfriend came into my life... I think this thread has largely just derailed into people having an ethical discussion about whether or not it would have been morally okay to be an escort, which is really not the issue at hand and which never eventuated anyhow, but which apparently says something about my character and viability in my relationship? (Although my partner knows about this anyway)

[Batya33]

It's not about social etiquette. It's about values. Once you have the values in place of course I understand the question of "ok I want to do the right thing now, how do I best go about implementing my intentions". That's different from "I'm not sure if I want to give up a potential sugar daddy from the Internet as a potential source of income because it's ok to do that if one is in financial distress but I also want to be with this guy who I'm into but who can't give me financial support" -that's a values question not a social question.

 

I tried to answer you social etiquette question in my post above.

[RainyCoast]

I'm not comparing the rest of you to me, but if you have never had to consider ways to get money when you're completely unable to find suitable work then you haven't been in the same situation that I've been in. That's all I'm trying to say. I appreciate that many women have never had to consider those things, however there are many more millions of women who do have to resort to such things every single day in order to survive. That is a very sad thing, and I consider myself very lucky that I never had to go through with this

i'm pretty sure a lot of explaining has gone into illustrating the fact that many people here have very much been on their own, broke, with threat of eviction on their heads, some literally starving for food, and into illustrating the fact that they sought and found ways to not seek a sugar daddy to take care of it for them. if it works for you, and works for the other, then fine, but it is more than a bit insulting to insist on claiming people here are speaking from a high horse and were blessed never knowing extreme existential discomfort. when was the last you've gone hungry, and when was the last time you scrubbed toilets or worked in a field for 3 euros per hour, when did you sleep in a basement in a sleeping bag, quit the school you couldn't afford to join the military? do you realize ppl do that, some with a child on their hands to boot, instead of strategizing who the person most likely to provide for them will be? if it's something you feel okay having pursued, then leave it at that " i was okay with it, and still am", because you have every right to. so you thought why sleep in a moldy basement, in this day and age, if i can do otherwise, as long as someone is up for it. okay. but don't say you did it because it is universally the only logical thing (what is one to do?) for a person in such a situation to do, and whoever suggests otherwise does so because they never knew the all too realistic fear associated with it. dunno, maybe you are fairly new to the site, but the members have worn many pairs of shoes. i wouldn't assume no one has known the trouble i've seen in general either.

 

so, since your boyfriend (i mean the single dad one) cannot provide what you are looking for budget-wise, as far as career advancement is concerned, what will you do?

 

judging by this thread, you value what this other guy has to offer, but are now leaning towards not pursuing it. and accepting that boyfriend doesn't have it to give.

 

so now what?

 

where do you look next?

 

you say you merely wanted advice on how to break it off ethically, and if you do cut the sugar daddy off, that leaves you with a boyfriend who can't provide, but fulfills your needs otherwise. what of the rest of your needs/preferences then? and will you be equally interested in having them met ethically, as you are in finding "ethical ways" to say "i've met someone and want to pursue a relationship with them exclusively"? because if going about things ethically is a genuine concern, the least of it lies in a break-up line.