Jenny Gal Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Hi! My name is Jenny and I'm 48 years old. I know that there are so many big problems in the world and maybe mine is not of great importance but I really feel so bad, a complete wreck, and I think I need some help and advice. I am confused, I do not know if I am thinking correctly or I exaggerate and I feel confused trying to find a way out. Well, I have a very good friend, close friend, man, till recently we were almost all the time together. We went out, he ate at my home, we went on holidays together, some people believed that we were a couple. I didn' t care because I knew the truth. He is a gay and we were just very close friends. We talked about everything (especially me, because he is a little introvert), our dreams, personal life even about sex. About a couple of months ago, he (after many years) met a man. I was happy because I knew how much he wanted to have a relationship. I met him and my first impression was that he was a happy extrovert person, but so immature and did not match with my friend. (My friend is 43 and he is 30 and with different interests). However, although I thought he compromised in a way just to be with someone, I didn't tell him my thoughts not to make him sad, but when I was asked I told him that he is a nice, cheerful person and pleasant. Just for my friend's happiness, I tried to do the best I could for his partner to feel comfortable, I invited both at my home to eat or watch a movie, we went on excursions or trips, walks, coffee, like three very good friends. However, for at least 3 months, I felt so pressed!!! That was because I couldn't find sth in common with him, I thought he was just a kid, I thought that I went out with my nephew (I am 18 years older, he could be my son!, generation gap, maybe!). Also he was talking almost all the time about himself, what he did so well,etc. sth that I do not like on people. His appearance, manners, way of talking, everything reminded me of a 20 year old student. Besides, another thing that really made my upset was that my friend paid for everything, his food or coffee when we went out, the hotel or ticket when we went somewhere, telling me that he did that because he didn' t have money since he didn't have a stable job and he didn't want to live on his parents. (By the way, he went this year to a school of touristics and his parents paid for this, so he did not want to ask for more). At first, I found my friend's attitude very nice and cute and I did the same, I paid sometimes and I invited very often to my house for lunch or dinner, I organized his birthday in my house, etc. That lasted almost 4 months when suddenly I started to feel a little bit angry because of his behavior. I never do sth for someone or help them in order to thank me or feel grateful to me or wait for the same, I do that because I like to help especially people in need, but I didn' t like the fact that he never suggested to pay just a coffee for us, he never brought sth, not expensive, just a chocolate or a flower, to me when he came to my house, whenever we went on lunch or coffee he never did the move to take his wallet out or just ask to pay. We wouldn't let him pay but the fact that he took that for granted started getting on my nerves! Then I thought that he was 30 and never had a job apart from part time jobs, even he had a university degree (on mathematics) and he could help kids but he did not like it! I think that if you need the money you try to do anything. In fact, he quitted his last part time job because he got angry with his boss. Anyway, the fact is that, although he is not a bad guy, I do not like his behavior and I do not have any common with him, so after a months' try and patience I feel that I do not want to go out with them. Sometimes, I wonder why my friend is with him, since they are also so different, but anyway, maybe he is in love, or, finally, I do not know my friend so well. I understand and I have done the best I could but I I do not want this to continue. I wish my friend had another boyfriend but since they go fine together, I have to respect this. My problem is that I want to tell my friend all this and explain to him that I do not have any problem if we do not see each other so often (although I feel sad because I miss him, but I love him and I want him to be happy despite my own wishes) because I do not feel nice and do not enjoy when I am with his boyfriend. On the other hand, I am afraid that he may be angry with me, or feel I am jealous or I do not want him to be happy etc. I just want them to do whatever they like, going out, on vacation, anything, without me, so they will be happy and I, too. So, my dilemma, to tell tell him what I feel risking to lose him, or say nothing at all, but feeling oppressed and unhappy???? Sorry for talking too much!!!! Thank you in advance!!!! Jenny Galif. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 It's interesting that you posted this in the Relationship forum, when you're not dating this man. Do you have feelings for him? Yes, I realize he is gay but I get the impression there's a bit of jealousy on your end and you feel you are being replaced. Honestly, I think you're over-involved in this relationship already. It appears you spend a lot of time with them - is that accurate? In any case, be honest with your friend. Tell him you would love to continue to hang out with him, but since you don't feel you see eye-to-eye with his boyfriend, it would be better if you two caught up alone rather than when his boyfriend is with him. You can explain that you don't want to put your friend in an awkward position and would prefer not to tag along when they invite you somewhere. Yes, this will probably be an uncomfortable conversation. Your friend clearly sees something in his boyfriend, and even if you feel the boyfriend is undeserving of your friend, it's not really your place to make that call. I get it's not fun when a close friend has someone else occupying their time. However, I also think it's a bit curious that you spend so much time with your friend and then turn around and say "I do not know my friend so well." Which is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 Thank you very much for your answer!!!! You have helped me a lot!!!! As for the jealousy issue, that is a question I have made to myself lots of times through all these months. I am not jealous and from the beginning what I wanted was not to participate in any of their activities, since I can't get along with him . I tried to find excuses for not going out with them, but my friend insisted! Also, every Saturday night they came to my house and whenever I found an excuse, my friend told me," Oh, why? Peter was waiting for this night! Are you going to be late back home?". Imagine that one very good friend of mine who lives in another country came to visit me for three days and he told me, " go out with her for lunch, In the evening we will come to your house!!!" . Also, another reason I felt pressed in my own home was that they were kissing, hugging, etc in front of me all the time and I felt uncomfortable, as I interrupted sth. personal. (Not jealous again, just embarrassed since I was alone with them!) That was the only time I told them that we couldn't meet in my house as usual and that I wanted to see my friend. The other times I didn't, because I didn't want to make him sad or anything, or think I am jealous, I want to destroy his happiness, etc. About 2 weeks ago that I was so pressed I refused to follow them on a trip and he got angry. Honestly, yes, I miss the time we spend together but if I have to spend time with the three of us I prefer not to even see my friend very often but only once in a while. I will follow your advice and I will talk to him, hoping that he will not get mad. Anyway, real friendship needs honesty, don't you think? Thank you!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 As for the "relationship" section of the forum, it was just a mistake, maybe it's because English is not my native language and I thought thus term includes all kinds of relationships! ;-) Thanks so much!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I can understand your feelings, as your friend is being taken advantage of. It sounds like he has low self worth, and settles for a guy that treats him like a wallet. Its your friend's money, and if he chooses to do this, it is his business. I have a similar problem. My closest friend has been with a guy for 7 years (married 4), and he continues to support him - the guy is taking classes, but is far behind in his progress. I think he will support him forever. My friend is handsome, smart, has a great job and many friends. I don't get it. But, this is his choice/money, and so I keep my mouth shut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 Thank you so much for your answer! I guess you are right, it's his choice, though I do not understand it. However, do you think that if I tell him that I do not want to go out with them but see him alone, even if it is not so often, is he going to get angry or he will understand? O.K. you keep your mouth shut and I will do the same, but how do you get along the three of you when you meet? Isn't it difficult? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I'd say: There's a different dynamic with a trio, versus being one-on-one. Can we do things, just us two, once in a while? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Alright. Whether out of circumstance or some deep subconscious desire, I've been surrounded by gay men pretty much all my life, so forgive my lack of sensibility here. It really is a dime-a-dozen scenario, though. So to be frank, the show's over. You had your surrogate and now he's moved on. You can lament the fact his guy isn't ponying up, but even if you view the three of you as "three very good friends," fact of the matter is he and his guy are a social unit, so it's you + couple. It may be easy for a lot of folks to lose sight of that due to it not being the conventional male + female, but the dynamic isn't much different between this couple and any other where you've got a 40-something year old dude with a lady 15 years younger than him. He's probably going to be the wallet, and he seems to have accepted that role regardless of how little you might approve of it. I would consider any time your friend pays for you as he and his partner paying for you. And thing is I think you've actually realized that and the third guy not paying is serving as an unwelcome reality check that it is in fact you + couple rather than simply "three very good friends." I also don't think it's incidental that you compare this partner of his to a 20-something college student or someone who could be your son. I don't doubt the guy is likely on a different level of maturity between all of you, but it does conveniently place you and your friend into your own special cohort while the three of you are together. I think it's fine to ask that you two stick to hanging out on a one-on-one basis, but of course you already know that would mean you see him less. Now you're stuck between not getting the fix you'd like and being constantly reminded he's found someone else he's into, and someone you don't think could offer him as much as you could, at that. I think it's in your best interest to take a good, long look at how exactly you feel about this friend of yours. You can BS myself and others all you want. No lost sleep here. But you owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself. And I think it's best that you not only branch out to expand your friendship circle, but also date. If your friend is truly a friend, he'll understand that, even jealousy aside, very few people relish in the role of third wheel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 Thank you Andrina and j.man for your advice!!!! The truth is that I miss the time we spent together, but I do not feel like this because I want us to be like this again. I have accepted from the beginning the relationship, although I believe that they do not match together (appearance and character, hobbies, interests, etc), but I firmly believe that if a person you love looks happy, then you are happy, too. So, I persuaded myself that he is happy. However, this that I want is not to spend time with them both, because I do not have any common with my friend's boyfriend and I don't enjoy myself. Of course, I miss my friend and all we did together, but it would be a kind of pathetic to think of splitting the couple or sth and live with my friend happily ever after!!! Life goes on and we must live it as we wish and we are happy. But, I don't know how I can tell him that I do not want to go out etc with them, as he may be angry or I don't know what else!!!!! Thank you all!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Thank you so much for your answer! I guess you are right, it's his choice, though I do not understand it. However, do you think that if I tell him that I do not want to go out with them but see him alone, even if it is not so often, is he going to get angry or he will understand? O.K. you keep your mouth shut and I will do the same, but how do you get along the three of you when you meet? Isn't it difficult? I do like his partner. In fact, the three of us went for a picnic, yesterday. I just do not like that he is not contributing to the marriage. I think that it depends on how he feels about this guy. You could express your concerns about the money, but you do risk losing the friendship. Do you have any mutual friends? I think that Andrina made a good point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 Listen, Jenny, this "brother" of yours (because that is what he was) has not got a relationship, and it his life and not your place to say anything about his choice of partner. I have a very very good long-time friend (a gay man) and like you we would have met up often, chatted, even had a meal together. However, I and other friends of his have had to stand by after two different relationships he had went into total trainwreck mode. And I mean serious wreck. Nothing we could have done to stop him, nor would we have tried. One relationship (about three years) the other guy almost cleaned him out financially, the next one was not much better. Both were a good deal younger than him. At least the present partner seems like a decent guy and on occasion I meet up with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 My problem is that I want to tell my friend all this and explain to him that I do not have any problem if we do not see each other so often (although I feel sad because I miss him, but I love him and I want him to be happy despite my own wishes) because I do not feel nice and do not enjoy when I am with his boyfriend. On the other hand, I am afraid that he may be angry with me, You're right, of course friend would be angry with you--you don't have the right to badmouth his BF to him. You DO have the right to decline any invitations you don't wish to join, and you can stop inviting the two of them to your home or events with you. Consider what you wrote here to be your vent and then keep your mouth closed about all of that stuff to friend. If friend comments, you can say, "I miss spending time alone with you. Would you like to meet for lunch, just the two of us?" If friend takes offense to that, you can simply say, "I just miss spending time alone with you, that's all." Leave it at that--and never, ever, badmouth the BF. In a contest of history versus hormones, you'll lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 La Hermes, Thank you!!!!!! You are right!!!! I love my friend and I will by him, without making him uncomfortable or sad! I hope and wish your friend will be happy now!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 Dear cat feeder, thank you!!!!! I will follow your advice, so that I will not destroy our friendship! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 Hello!!!! Me, again!!!! He called me to invite me for coffee with both of them and I found an excuse, politely. He said OK, but he was a little bit distant, "cold". Then, I tried to talk and explain why I decline invitations without badmouthing his boyfriend and he got a little angry. He is much more distant now and I am extremely sad. What have Imdone wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaHermes Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 You are not doing anything wrong Jenny. He thinks the sun, moon and stars shine out of the partner. It would be the same as if you had a husband and wife, and you knew the husband/wife well but didn't like the other spouse. This is no different. Don't explain anything. He doesn't want to know. Just decline the invitation, make up any polite excuse and leave it at that. He is well able to read the sub-text...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Hello!!!! Me, again!!!! He called me to invite me for coffee with both of them and I found an excuse, politely. He said OK, but he was a little bit distant, "cold". Then, I tried to talk and explain why I decline invitations without badmouthing his boyfriend and he got a little angry. He is much more distant now and I am extremely sad. What have Imdone wrong? How did you explain it, and why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 Hi! I told him that I had arranged to meet a friend of mine. Then he asked me why I declined his invitation and why I don't ask anything about his boyfriend, how is he, if he started working, etc. I told him that I really had arranged to see my friend, he told me that it was an excuse, so I explained to him that I do not have anything with his boyfriend, in fact I think he is a good guy, cheerful and smiling, but, maybe because of our age gap, I think that we don't have lots in common, so maybe it would be better for all of us if I don' t go with them so often. This way, they will have the opportunity to be alone as a couple, to spend more time together as they look happy together and match to each other. He got angry and told me that gays do not like meeting each other alone many times and they like being with friends and implied (at least, this is what I understood) that I am jealous and he was a little ironic while talking to me. Then, we were together for a little while but he was distant without talking much and he was over his cell phone all the time, sending sms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Hi! I told him that I had arranged to meet a friend of mine. Then he asked me why I declined his invitation and why I don't ask anything about his boyfriend, how is he, if he started working, etc. I told him that I really had arranged to see my friend, he told me that it was an excuse, so I explained to him that I do not have anything with his boyfriend, in fact I think he is a good guy, cheerful and smiling, but, maybe because of our age gap, I think that we don't have lots in common, so maybe it would be better for all of us if I don' t go with them so often. This way, they will have the opportunity to be alone as a couple, to spend more time together as they look happy together and match to each other. He got angry and told me that gays do not like meeting each other alone many times and they like being with friends and implied (at least, this is what I understood) that I am jealous and he was a little ironic while talking to me. Then, we were together for a little while but he was distant without talking much and he was over his cell phone all the time, sending sms. Sounds as though you were tactful, and you did just fine. Let friend digest the fact that he's not going to keep his triangle intact, and allow for him to go through his machinations about that. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest, so stand your ground and stay cheerful. If friend sideswipes you with rude comments, just fail to acknowledge those. If he tries to start an argument, gently tell him that you understand (you don't need to clarify 'what' you understand,) and you'll be happy to see him whenever he's free. All relationships are voluntary, and you don't need to allow friend to manipulate you with gay-splaining or accusations or anything else. Just let those fall flat and allow friend time to get over it. There's no law that says our friends must like our partners or the other way around, and you're clear that spending your valuable time watching the BF take financial advantage of your friend isn't something you want to continue. Meanwhile, consider whether you haven't developed too much of a dependency on this one friend, and find ways to diffuse that by meeting new friends and pursuing new interests that don't involve him. This could turn out to be a pivotal point in your own life. By asserting your refusal to waste time in the company of someone who makes you unhappy, you could lead yourself to find new happiness you had not anticipated. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Then he asked me why I declined his invitation and why I don't ask anything about his boyfriend, how is he, if he started working, etc. I told him that I really had arranged to see my friend, he told me that it was an excuse, Wow, he's quite an assertive friend! I can see why you were hesitant to start declining invitations. Hopefully, he'll cool off and see your side of things. You gave his partner a shot. You're not against his relationship. You just want more friend and less partner. Really, it makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Gal Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 Thank you both!!! You have helped me so much to see the situation more clearly. I will be patient and let time show how things will go. Meanwhile, I will deal (I have already started) with lots of things!!!! Thanks!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.