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Many levels of problems - I just don't know how to feel anymore.

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I befriended a girl who I knew was in a relationship about 2 years ago and we got talking at the time and as with life we both went on our separate ways that is leading life. She had a boyfriend and life was seemingly going swell for her.


I moved out of my parents and I changed jobs, and was genuinely having a nice time being single and dependent only upon my self.



When I noticed on-line that this girl was travelling around Europe a lot I contacted her again as a friend and enquiring as to why she was travelling so much. Lovely holidays? Well, it turned out to be work. A few months after we had stopped talking to eachother in 2015, she started working abroad. It just so happened that when I contacted her in September 2016, the very week infact, she had found out her boyfriend had cheated on her and was in a bad place. For MONTHS I consoled her and we gradually became very good friends, including going on holidays together. All the while she was still with her boyfriend, she and I had developed a relationship.


I briefly visited her in February at her abroad appartment for a few days and for a wonderful road trip together that saw us driving around Europe for a few days and staying in some wonderful hotels and seeing some lovely sights together and the news was that her project in Germany was at an end and she was moving back home near where I live, back with her boyfriend. It's worth mentioning at this point that from September '16 to early March '17 we were talking on-line and on the telephone for hours every day, and whenever she did visit home, she would always come and see me, almost every day in a lot of cases. So you can imagine my confused state when a few weeks before her new project abroad started, she stopped talking to me so much and even if she did it was just a few words here and there. I thought that the relationship was at an end and was very confused at her sudden change. From that time I have been very fragile and volatile potentially breaking up a couple of times because of my own outbursts, in which she would always refuse to break up, or refuse to have a say or influence on what my decision would be. "This is something you have to decide".


Fast forward until this month when nothing has really changed. I physically see her once a month if I am lucky as she is working all week and sometimes flies home but does nothing but sleep. Her priorities have changed. Her life has changed, but because I am still stuck in the same one I still hanker over her. She is still with her boyfriend and every few weeks (and she is home) I get depressed and explode with the pressure of what I feel is me being strung along because she doesn't want to/cannot see me. She no longer gives any personality in messages any more, but when we do talk on telephone or in person the feelings of attraction are still very much there.


It's not so much that she is away that hurts me. Lots of people have long distance relationships that work, but they don't have a third wheel! She goes home to the boyfriend for the weekend, and I don't see her at all. Her response to this is that I'm over-reacting because even he sees little of her as he works late and she sleeps a lot of the day to get over her hard work load. Last year she was talking about her "decision" that she would have to make in life concerning her relationship with me and the boyfriend however now she says she just wants to see how this year treats her. I feel I'm being led, despite her saying she trusts me and loves me and even thinks that I am her soul mate (to which she has never said to anyone else (apparently..!)) and asked if I would move in with her if she moved to the other side of the country where better jobs are.


Two months ago she talked candidly about likely cervical issues and that being a big cause for sex drive loss in what is apparently a very sexual individual. And I have my own sexual problems, namely that of delayed ejaculation which I have found tested to be very much psychological, in which case I put it down wholly to the fact that no matter what she says I don't fully think she 'is mine'.


I'm worried that this constant pressure to me is effecting my happiness in life (and has been since march). I'm drinking a lot and smoking a lot and the pressure I am now effecting on the girl is something I worry about. I feel that we have a future relationship and that this is possibly something I must ride through. But how long does she think that she can go on with this routine?


She said that if she doesn't get a rise this year from her job she will change jobs and that likely involves the Big city (I won't name which, but it's in the UK). What that remains of the boyfriend or I have no idea. But I feel if it doesn't end with the boyfriend by the time the year is out, then I don't think I can go much further.

I'm starting to hold her with a little distain for the way this has developed into. I no longer make dates or any plans with her (even small ones like seeing her..) for I feel that she will let me down, which she has.


I'm lost and distressed. Part of me doesn't want to give up, and most of me knows I wouldn't providing that she were truly mine. But,



What are other people's thoughts?

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I'm starting to hold her with a little distain for the way this has developed into. I no longer make dates or any plans with her (even small ones like seeing her..) for I feel that she will let me down, which she has.


How can you hold it against her when you've gone into this situation with your eyes wide open? You knew exactly what you were getting into and acting passive-aggressive about this makes no sense since it's always been your decision to either accept the situation as-is, or move on. Just because you're too weak to set an ultimatum for her and demand what you want doesn't make any of this her fault.

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Shessofly: No. She was just a person I knew of until September 2016. February 2017 was when we became full blown lovers, although that had been coming gradually since December.



Others: I did go into the situation knowing completely what it would entail. It is only now that since March she has been very distant. My jealousy is getting the better of me now and I wonder if I should continue to pursue her any longer.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So.. The end came the other day..


When I asked her with a text if she wanted a lift she said "if you want, but only as friends and nothing more.."


I said there is only one option that I can take then and that it was for me to leave her life entirely and that she would likely never see or hear from me again. Although she did gives clues that it is not the end, with comments like "until next time" and that she was sorry how it feels but "it's for the best". And perhaps one day I would forgive and become friends with her.


Now the friends line is what everybody seems to say after a breakup with no actual intention of remaining so. This girl however I know that she means it when she wants to see me as her friend. She has seen previous boyfriends over the years just to catch up on how they are doing etc and finds happiness in that.



Myself, well. This is the greatest heartbreak i've encountered and I blame myself for putting pressure on her for a decision and being upset every so often that I just didn't know where I stood anymore.. She had enough of the drama and that was that really. I never promised her I would remain her friend, infact I inferred that I probably wouldn't be, when we used to talk about such things many months ago, but I think she thinks I will come back to being her friend.


In the end though, whether she had her boyfriend still in a year's time and I was invited for a meal or whatever, I would be just as uncomfortable as I was when I used to be, and if she didn't have anyone.. then I would be a fool to let myself be thought that there was hope.



And so now is the time to grieve and reflect and move on.

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I blame myself for putting pressure on her for a decision and being upset every so often that I just didn't know where I stood anymore.


That's nothing to blame yourself for. You let her know how you feel and you wanted answers from her about how she felt. Nothing unreasonable about that.

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