What goes on in a female dumper's mind during NC

[Baowtadow]

Hi all,

 

For all the getting back together stories, I was wondering if anyone knew how strict NC changed the female dumper's negative opinion about her ex into a somewhat positive one and how many months of NC it took.

 

Thanks!

[reinventmyself]

It all depends on why the two of you broke up with to begin with and personalities involved.

[Zee30]

Hi everyone I just need some advise I split up with my ex been about 2 weeks she's thought about it for a while we been together 8 years I tried the no contact but hasn't been working either she will message or I will.she hurt me a lot by making this descision to move on said a lot of horrible things.I don't want anything to do with her anymore I don't understand how she got like this as everything was going good in life we was on holiday in April and then all the sudden she throws this bombshell this month the only problem we had we couldn't get married coz her her dad doesn't approve us being together she said she doesn't see a future with me what do I do just move on. I haven't been with anyone serious except her

[Giblesp]

As another poster said, it depends on the reasons. Could you provide some more info?

[MissCanuck]

The only time I have been the dumper is when I truly wanted out.

 

In one case, I had fallen out of love with my ex and we needed to go our separate ways.

 

In another, the ex was an emotionally and verbally abusive man and I really had no choice but to save my sanity by leaving.

 

No Contact was a relief, honestly. I didn't have any desire to return to either of them, for different reasons. So not communicating with them was simply one less thing to worry about.

[Zee30]

I agree the best way is to not to communicate with them

[boltnrun]

I've been in no contact with my ex for oh, about 10 years now. He tried contacting me, sending me THIRTEEN Facebook messages, after we hadn't communicated in years. And my reaction was annoyance.

 

NO time period of no contact would ever make me think "positively" about that guy! Contact, no contact, the result is the same...I don't want that guy and I never will. Same with any of my other exes.

 

However, if your breakup happened because of circumstances such as distance, family interference, a big misunderstanding...it might be different. It just isn't for me.

[DavidH2017]

Who knows what goes on in a dumpers mind. A lot depends on the reason for the break up, and what you did afterwards. As such, it's less about nc and more about the nature of any contact you do have.

 

If the other person is angry, and doesn't want to speak with you, then you leave them be until they're ready, as repeated attempts at contact tend to just make things worse. If they reach out and you ignore them, then you're just being childish and passive aggressive. By all means be cautious, and don't lay all your cards on the table, but how much interest you show depends on why they left you. As such, there's no one size fits all, and you have to use your own knowledge and judgment.

 

If they left because they just lost feelings, or felt you were too clingy, then be friendly, wish them well, and don't mention the relationship. They may just see you in a different light if you don't pressure them and give them room to make their own mind up.

 

However, if they left because they were feeling insecure, and didn't think you cared, then being too cold and aloof will only confirm that they made the right decision. Instead, if that was their concern, then you can reassure them if you really did care. It's less about saying you've changed, as likely you haven't, and more about expressing how you did care, but perhaps didn't do the greatest job of showing it, but will try to be more mindful. Once again though, say your piece and give them the space to consider it and make their own mind up.

 

So yeah, strict no contact is a ploy, that may work in some cases, but will just as easily backfire in others. Only you know the other person, and the situation, and you have to use that knowledge to decide what's best to do.

 

A better question would be to explain what happened, and then ask what might be the best approach to try and fix it.

 

Looking back, in all relationships I've had that were longer than 3 months, where I've been dumped, then they've all come back at some point, usually of their own accord, and without any attempts at persuasion. But I've never ignored an ex, and the lines of communication have always been left open.

[DavidH2017]

Hi everyone I just need some advise I split up with my ex been about 2 weeks she's thought about it for a while we been together 8 years I tried the no contact but hasn't been working either she will message or I will.she hurt me a lot by making this descision to move on said a lot of horrible things.I don't want anything to do with her anymore I don't understand how she got like this as everything was going good in life we was on holiday in April and then all the sudden she throws this bombshell this month the only problem we had we couldn't get married coz her her dad doesn't approve us being together she said she doesn't see a future with me what do I do just move on. I haven't been with anyone serious except her

 

I don't know what you're asking, as you say no contact hasn't worked, and you need advice, but then say you don't want anything to do with her anymore.

 

After 8 years, it's likely she spent a long time thinking about it, and the signs would have been there for a while. If things are friendly then I can only suggest what I did after the end of an 8 year relationship. Tell her you understand and respect her decision, and would like things to work, but appreciate that it's impossible given how she feels. Tell her you'll support her decision even though you disagree with it, and then leave it there, no matter how far she takes it. Don't panic, don't chase, and don't argue. My ex moved out, we remained on friendly terms, and within a couple of months she moved back in again.

 

Sometimes people just need a bit of a breather, and some space to work things out for themselves. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't, but the more you act with dignity and respect, the greater the chance it will go in your favour.

[RKO]

What if the dumper ends it because she hasn't got the same feelings as she did initially but doesn't know why, still loves you, and isn't sure she's doing the right thing?

 

I'm on day 2 of NC and it's killing me

[LaHermes]

Heading of thread:

 

"What goes on in a female dumper's mind during NC" (this can equally apply to male).

 

Answer:

 

Probably huge relief that s/he has got rid of someone s/he did not wish to be with. The dumper would NOT have dumped if s/he wished to be with you.

 

Why is it so difficult to grasp that concept.

 

The worst things you can indulge in are

a) Malignant nostalgia and

b) Malignant Optimism.

[reinventmyself]

Ive experienced both ends of the spectrum.

Depending on the reasons, I felt a sense of relief and never looked back.

I've also ended relationships where I was still in love but knew we weren't right for each other.

It absolutely gutted me and

the grief was the same as being left behind.

Either way, it didn't change the outcome.

[DavidH2017]

Heading of thread:

 

"What goes on in a female dumper's mind during NC" (this can equally apply to male).

 

Answer:

 

Probably huge relief that s/he has got rid of someone s/he did not wish to be with. The dumper would NOT have dumped if s/he wished to be with you.

 

Why is it so difficult to grasp that concept.

 

The worst things you can indulge in are

a) Malignant nostalgia and

b) Malignant Optimism.

 

Actually that's not always true, and depends on the circumstances. If they left because they were bored or lost attraction, or found someone else, then yes, they may feel relief. However, if the dumper left angrily then sometimes that anger is a frustration at wanting the relationship to work, but that the dumpee did something wrong. Lots of times people dump someone they do want to be with, out of anger or frustration, and then regret it. If the dumpee can successfully address that then things can be fixed. It all depends on the reasons, and how the dumpee handles things after the split.

[TravelMania]

RKO,

 

I was dumped about 2 months ago... I would strongly suggest sticking to the NC and wait for them to actually come back. If she calls wait to answer, if like in my case she says "I just wanna hear you talk" tell her " I would love to be here for you but I think we need to stick to the NC and take some time to ourselves. If you would like to talk about us I am willing to sit down with you but if you are not sure about that yet then we just need to take some more time". I made the mistake of when she called I constantly talked to her and made the conversation last because I wanted to hear her voice, I thought she was calling to reconnect. In reality it was helping her move farther away from me. We are to the point now where I sent her a snap and she didn't even respond. I am doing the NC now and feel better knowing (this site gives great examples) that it has work for a lot of people. I haven't heard of one story where breaking NC early has been good. Usually it ends up increasing the NC time and if it happens to much she will meet someone else and move on.

[RKO]

RKO,

 

I was dumped about 2 months ago... I would strongly suggest sticking to the NC and wait for them to actually come back. If she calls wait to answer, if like in my case she says "I just wanna hear you talk" tell her " I would love to be here for you but I think we need to stick to the NC and take some time to ourselves. If you would like to talk about us I am willing to sit down with you but if you are not sure about that yet then we just need to take some more time". I made the mistake of when she called I constantly talked to her and made the conversation last because I wanted to hear her voice, I thought she was calling to reconnect. In reality it was helping her move farther away from me. We are to the point now where I sent her a snap and she didn't even respond. I am doing the NC now and feel better knowing (this site gives great examples) that it has work for a lot of people. I haven't heard of one story where breaking NC early has been good. Usually it ends up increasing the NC time and if it happens to much she will meet someone else and move on.

 

Thanks, I've just seen this so apologies in late reply.

She's gone for good, she told me she won't be coming back or change her mind, I told her not to contact me under any circumstances unless it's her begging to take me back.

 

Day 4 of strict NC and them 3 days after break up was only a couple of texts to arrange to meet to talk.

 

I feel no better for it, only thing that's improved is that I can now eat.

 

Trying not to cling on to any false hope as I've been told in black and white, but something is telling me she will come back, it's stupid. Will this go if I carry on NC?

[misterjister]

how did it work out RKO? Any progress?