My wife has fallen out with my parents after the birth of our child - and other!

[jimbo2]

My wife and I recently had our first through IVF so it hasn't exactly been an easy journey for us however since having the baby my wife has become snappy, rude and generally quite dislikeable.

 

6 days after birth my wife decided it might be a good idea to try and get back to work... I had pleaded with her that it might take a little more time to heal giving the circumstances that she endured pushing baby out. My wife is a fitness instructor making my reasoning even more valid however, my wife felt that she wanted to earn the money to support her new bundle of joy so went ahead and taught a client with baby and I in tow. seeing as my parents had only met the baby once before at the hospital and seeing that we were literally passing the door to my parents house, I thought it might be nice idea to pop in and see them for a few minutes before we returned home to our home town 20 minutes away. My wife flatly refused saying that she knew she would feel too tired after her client. I couldn't see how a few minutes would make much of difference so kept bringing it up a couple of times before we went. (she has since said that this was quite annoying which I understand)

 

Anyhow, I drove the baby and my wife to said client and my wife quickly realised that having a baby in the clients house wasn't going to work. I offered then to take out baby to see my parents a few minutes away in order that she could do her job without interruption. This guys was the last straw for her in this scenario, after her client she told me that our marriage was over and that she couldn't have me and my parents put this kind of pressure on her. I was totally bemused and clearly very upset.

 

We talked and I to somehow managed to avoid a major catastrophe in as much as we stayed together... She sent a text to my parents the following day saying that putting that type of pressure on her so soon after birth was unfair and that she didn't come over because she simply didn't feel like it and that if they wanted to know the truth that they aught to call. Within a minute of course, my mother rang completely confused as to what was happening. For the interests of transparency I put her on speaker phone to then have my wife scream and shout at my mother that she was ruining her relationship and that it was all their fault and that they were too involved. In the meantime my mother was asking my wife to stop and to talk but she continued to shout. My mother then had clearly had enough a blew her top in return (by which time my wife had called her mother on her phone so she could her what was happening) The conversation ended with my wife telling my mother to go and F*** herself which my mother thankfully did not hear. the sad thing sis my dad who hear the beginning of the conversation and tried to get her to stop yelling, had actually been very defensive of my wife and had been very supportive through her pregnancy.

 

My wife refused to apologise for her behaviour citing that she had done nothing wrong. My mother in the meantime also refused to apologise.

 

We have since all met and things did not feel natural which is to be expected but things started to improve. But unfortunately this is not the last of it, my wife has now been staying at her parents house (which is a 10 minute walk from our house) with our baby and has been for about two weeks.

 

I stayed with my parents the night before a triathlon and then the following night as my wife had gone to see her sister some 2 hours away. By the time she cam back the following day I was at work. I then managed to see baby and wife in town prior to a baby group. I asked to hold my daughter but wife refused saying that I couldn't just swoop in for the nice times and that she had been doing all the hard work..... clearly this frustrated me but I let it go.

 

We enjoyed our baby group and things seemed to be back on track however my wife then read a text from my mother saying, 'stay strong and stand tall' - I had clearly moaned to my mother that I wasn't happy. With this my wife stormed off at which point I had to go to work. I tried to call her but she didn't answer. I found her behaviour to frustrating, disrespectful and unloving I just needed to speak with someone, that someone was of course my mother and father who were dreadfully distressed given my wife's previous outburst. My father in his wisdom and being a military man tried to fix the situation by calling my wife's father (another military man) to try and see if we could sort all this out as it was heading for disaster.

 

My wife then called me at work to moan about the above and to ask why I had asked my father to call. I hadn't but that didn't really sink in.

 

the past two days together have been fine and pleasant but if a gently broach the subject of my parents having a relationship with their first and probably only ever grandchild, she says 'there is no relationship and I never want to see them again' . I try to suggest that my mum and Dad are important and that they would love to see their grand daughter but my wife doesn't seem to care.

 

I have seriously considered leaving my wife over her behaviour towards both my family and I but the advice I've been given is that I should wait at least 6 months for the hormones to leave the system. My concern is that this is not the first time in our relationship my wife has been difficult to handle. I can cope with the majority of her tantrums but I am struggling with the idea that my parents will see very little of the granddaughter in the future despite being 20 minutes down the road.

 

Other issues include;

 

-Bulimia (Was a major issue which seems to be dormant for the time being- I was unaware of this problem until two weeks after we got married.

She has no pride in our family home saying that that's not what's important to her - so I do ALL the cleaning.

 

Despite all this however, I do love her and she can be amazing when she's not angry, grumpy, tired or hungry.

 

My Main concern at the minute is how do I foster a good relationship between her and my parents in order that they can regularly see their grand daughter. A short non complex issue for you all to discuss! Help please.

[SherrySher]

First of all, is there any chance that she could be going through postpartum depression? It is very common and I do agree with the others that her hormones could possibly play a part.

 

If however you have noticed these behaviours before and have nothing to do with her hormones, than I advise you to tell her asap to get her crap together and stop throwing temper tantrums. She needs to learn to be respectful towards your family and especially your parents and she might eve consider going into counselling. Her behaviour is far far from normal and she sounds either mentally sick or extremely spoilt and used to having her own way. The fact that you do all the cleaning leads me to believe that it's the latter.

 

If that is the case and she is not willing to change, then you do need to seriously consider leaving her. At least then you would be able to share custody of your daughter and your parents could visit with their granddaughter and not have so much vile hatred spewed at them. She should be ashamed of herself for how she spoke to them!! That's absolutely disgusting behaviour from a grown woman.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I hope for your sake and your daughters sake that there can be a good outcome, but it depends on if your wife is willing to grow up and stop being so hateful and self centered and at this present moment, I have serious doubts.

[Seraphim]

I would tell her that you are contacting a lawyer because you are perfectly entitled to see your daughter . If she's hiding eating disorders and whatever else till two weeks AFTER your wedding Lord knows what other things she's hiding . I would get a lawyer and establish some custody .

[j.man]

Nothing excuses her for telling you that you can't hold your own daughter. I do feel bad if she's got postpartum depression, but she's still an adult and a parent and needs to take charge in getting the help she needs in a responsible way. I'd echo the suggestion of contacting a family attorney with regard to custody. You have no control over whether she wants to continue a relationship with you, but you can assert control of having a relationship with your daughter.

 

What I will say is that it's kinda baffling that, when your wife and daughter out of your home, you're still so focused on where your mother fits into all this. Gets me thinking she may have a point with excess influence / pressure coming from your side of the family. You seriously need to focus on getting your own house in order first and foremost. Your mother's stake in this should be so far on the backburner right now.

[thealchemist]

How much time is she left alone watching the child? Jumping back into work is what a lot of active people do because they feel trapped.

 

You mentioned you did a triathlon. Have you been having to train a lot? If she has been stuck at home a lot that can make you go crazy.

 

It does also seem like you include your parents a lot in your family business. Putting someone on speaker phone when you and your mother are agreeing and she is stressed will look like she is being ganged up on. Especially is she gave birth not long ago. This time should be mostly about your family. That means your wife and child, not your parents.

 

All that aside she is acting over the top in her responses. Your parents have every right to see her. But after we left the hospital my parents didn't see my daughter for about a month because my wife was having a hard time. They will see your child a lot more a little later.

 

But your wife not letting you hold your child out of spite is unacceptable. I would be fuming about that. If you are never around and just show up and want your baby for 1 minute then give him/her back I can understand the feeling but the action is crappy. If she continues that possessive behavior you need a lawyer badly.

 

The biggest question is how much of this behavior was present before the child? That is what you have to base everything off of. I can personally attest that the early baby stages can drive you crazy if you are not careful.

[tallydoo]

My wife and I recently had our first through IVF so it hasn't exactly been an easy journey for us however since having the baby my wife has become snappy, rude and generally quite dislikeable.

 

6 days after birth my wife decided it might be a good idea to try and get back to work... I had pleaded with her that it might take a little more time to heal giving the circumstances that she endured pushing baby out. My wife is a fitness instructor making my reasoning even more valid however, my wife felt that she wanted to earn the money to support her new bundle of joy so went ahead and taught a client with baby and I in tow. seeing as my parents had only met the baby once before at the hospital and seeing that we were literally passing the door to my parents house, I thought it might be nice idea to pop in and see them for a few minutes before we returned home to our home town 20 minutes away. My wife flatly refused saying that she knew she would feel too tired after her client. I couldn't see how a few minutes would make much of difference so kept bringing it up a couple of times before we went. (she has since said that this was quite annoying which I understand)

 

Anyhow, I drove the baby and my wife to said client and my wife quickly realised that having a baby in the clients house wasn't going to work. I offered then to take out baby to see my parents a few minutes away in order that she could do her job without interruption. This guys was the last straw for her in this scenario, after her client she told me that our marriage was over and that she couldn't have me and my parents put this kind of pressure on her. I was totally bemused and clearly very upset.

 

We talked and I to somehow managed to avoid a major catastrophe in as much as we stayed together... She sent a text to my parents the following day saying that putting that type of pressure on her so soon after birth was unfair and that she didn't come over because she simply didn't feel like it and that if they wanted to know the truth that they aught to call. Within a minute of course, my mother rang completely confused as to what was happening. For the interests of transparency I put her on speaker phone to then have my wife scream and shout at my mother that she was ruining her relationship and that it was all their fault and that they were too involved. In the meantime my mother was asking my wife to stop and to talk but she continued to shout. My mother then had clearly had enough a blew her top in return (by which time my wife had called her mother on her phone so she could her what was happening) The conversation ended with my wife telling my mother to go and F*** herself which my mother thankfully did not hear. the sad thing sis my dad who hear the beginning of the conversation and tried to get her to stop yelling, had actually been very defensive of my wife and had been very supportive through her pregnancy.

 

My wife refused to apologise for her behaviour citing that she had done nothing wrong. My mother in the meantime also refused to apologise.

 

We have since all met and things did not feel natural which is to be expected but things started to improve. But unfortunately this is not the last of it, my wife has now been staying at her parents house (which is a 10 minute walk from our house) with our baby and has been for about two weeks.

 

I stayed with my parents the night before a triathlon and then the following night as my wife had gone to see her sister some 2 hours away. By the time she cam back the following day I was at work. I then managed to see baby and wife in town prior to a baby group. I asked to hold my daughter but wife refused saying that I couldn't just swoop in for the nice times and that she had been doing all the hard work..... clearly this frustrated me but I let it go.

 

We enjoyed our baby group and things seemed to be back on track however my wife then read a text from my mother saying, 'stay strong and stand tall' - I had clearly moaned to my mother that I wasn't happy. With this my wife stormed off at which point I had to go to work. I tried to call her but she didn't answer. I found her behaviour to frustrating, disrespectful and unloving I just needed to speak with someone, that someone was of course my mother and father who were dreadfully distressed given my wife's previous outburst. My father in his wisdom and being a military man tried to fix the situation by calling my wife's father (another military man) to try and see if we could sort all this out as it was heading for disaster.

 

My wife then called me at work to moan about the above and to ask why I had asked my father to call. I hadn't but that didn't really sink in.

 

the past two days together have been fine and pleasant but if a gently broach the subject of my parents having a relationship with their first and probably only ever grandchild, she says 'there is no relationship and I never want to see them again' . I try to suggest that my mum and Dad are important and that they would love to see their grand daughter but my wife doesn't seem to care.

 

I have seriously considered leaving my wife over her behaviour towards both my family and I but the advice I've been given is that I should wait at least 6 months for the hormones to leave the system. My concern is that this is not the first time in our relationship my wife has been difficult to handle. I can cope with the majority of her tantrums but I am struggling with the idea that my parents will see very little of the granddaughter in the future despite being 20 minutes down the road.

 

Other issues include;

 

-Bulimia (Was a major issue which seems to be dormant for the time being- I was unaware of this problem until two weeks after we got married.

She has no pride in our family home saying that that's not what's important to her - so I do ALL the cleaning.

 

Despite all this however, I do love her and she can be amazing when she's not angry, grumpy, tired or hungry.

 

My Main concern at the minute is how do I foster a good relationship between her and my parents in order that they can regularly see their grand daughter. A short non complex issue for you all to discuss! Help please.

 

If this behavior is new for her, could you also talk to her and just ask her what's going on in a non-confrontational way? It might be that she feels trapped, as someone else said, or some other need isn't being met, and she doesn't quite know how to articulate it or confront it. Giving her a safe space to talk about how she's feeling or vent about something might be what she needs, instead of immediately jumping to a solution and a plan, and you might understand her (admittedly over-the-top) reactions to the situation a bit better and be able to navigate the situation in the future.

[tattoobunnie]

For women with a past or present eating disorder, such as bulimia nervosa, pregnancy postpartum can trigger a relapse or worsen symptoms that may already exist.

 

It took me two weeks to even lift my leg up to climb a stair by myself after I pushed a 10 lb baby out. So for her to go exert herself with a client - she's not okay in her head. Something is off with her, so you need to not make it about her relationship with your parents. She is overwhelmed, and your parents are triggering some adverse reaction within her.

 

Are you helping with the baby, or is she not letting you help? Is she breastfeeding? How's her appetite lately?

 

I would really ask her, are you doing again, and send her some articles on Postpartum depression.

[abitbroken]

IVF takes a big hormonal and emotional toll with all the hormones you are jacked up with. yes, she could be going through PPD. she could also feel a bit not in control and is trying to take control.

 

However, i would be upset at you too for pushing the parents. She told you she didn't wanted your parents over to see the baby or go visit with the baby yet. I have known many people that are okay with a quick run to the pharmacy with their new baby but a grand "introduction" visit was intrusive. We went to see new babies when invited - and that wasn't for a few weeks to give the new family time to adjust. The client was an errand and she should not have done it - but that's what it was. She probably tried to do it to get some of herself back. The fact that she told you she did not want a parent visit - and you found every way to push it before she was ready - i would not be thrilled. Sure, you were only thinking of practical terms and logistics, but it was more about filling your parents need to see the baby vs your wife's.

 

I think that i would not confide in the folks so much and tell them to hang back from her and not force visits. She may have PPD but i don't know how to broach the subject with her

[abitbroken]

It does also seem like you include your parents a lot in your family business. Putting someone on speaker phone when you and your mother are agreeing and she is stressed will look like she is being ganged up on. Especially is she gave birth not long ago. This time should be mostly about your family. That means your wife and child, not your parents.

 

 

Amen to this. Also, if your parents text or call her with messages that reveal that you have unloaded on them. not cool. Find a counselor if you need to unload. You are interefering in your own marriage

[Seraphim]

But to say he can't hold his daughter because he isn't doing the hard work when SHE took the daughter away is actually kidnapping.

[SherrySher]

Plus he does all the cleaning, did everyone miss that point? This woman is a spoilt jerk.

[Seraphim]

And if the husband's parents aren't seeing the baby the mother's parents shouldn't be either . What's fair is fair .

[sophie274]

How old is the baby? It sounds like a month old or less, is that correct?

[Batya33]

I agree that there is something not right where a woman 6 days after giving birth things it's a good idea to take an infant to work with her -to a client's home where she's going to give a class, etc. I agree that there's something like PPD going on here. I am an extrovert and for the first 2 months or so or more after I gave birth most social interactions exhausted me. We definitely saw the grandparents but it was exhausting and sometimes stressful (like when my father in law wanted to be with our infant son even though he had a bad cold, etc.). I would see if she's open to getting help and if so that might start to alleviate her behavioral issues. Best of luck and I am very sorry you're going through this.