The Complete Story of My Breakup

[nsolo]

"I'm sorry but I can't keep hurting them."

 

The good news is you got away from someone who can't stand up for herself. The heartbreak is the bad news. But such is the drama of life at times. You will find a better woman one day, in my opinion.

[eidetic]

lol

 

Well, I tried to post to private, but there it is.

 

I am not asking for an apology; I'm ok with your truth.

[LordRorek]

lol

 

Well, I tried to post to private, but there it is.

 

I am not asking for an apology; I'm ok with your truth.

Well I feel one is necessary.

 

I should not have lost my temper and I feel that when anyone loses their temper it constitutes a failing on my part.

 

We should not let what others say and do affect how we treat those we interact with.

 

So again I am sorry for losing my temper.

[eidetic]

I appreciate both your apology and your willingness to apologize -- and I apologize also, because I knew when I originally posted that my words were pretty hot and would likely set you off. If it helps you, I think sometimes people have to express anger before it is possible to get safely to the more vulnerable emotions beneath it, like sadness or sorrow or disappointment or fear. When we're discussing relationship trauma, there's so much raw exposed nerve. If someone else loses their temper, even if it may have been in response to something you said or did, honestly it is not a failure on your part. Please don't go through life believing that you are responsible for other people's behaviors or comfort levels.

 

I see you as a person who is earnestly trying to work through a difficult and complex set of circumstances. It sounds like all your family are strivers, and wanting to keep the family body solid and successful for all members. This is beautiful and yet as you know, not all families are like that. In yours it also sounds like you have a major role and responsibility as carer and maybe also as provider and eventually head of the family. That can be a lot of stress, just in anticipation of the role.

 

I didn't see last night the part where her family had openly threatened to have yours dismantled, and that is horrific. It puts a totally different spin on why your parents made the decision they made, and why it happened abruptly -- because if it didn't happen, there was a chance it would get legal, expensive, and horrifically traumatic for every person in your family. Unimaginably traumatic for the youngest. I would lose my temper too.

 

If it means anything, my advice here would be still to stay away from her, and rest. Let some time pass without needing or asking for apology. If her parents threatened to have your family legally broken apart, my guess is that she doesn't understand the full impact of what her parents' actions would mean. She has to come to that understanding of them on her own; you can't help her see it. She will likely only come to understand by dwelling in it alone, without the differences and expectations of you or your family. NC will give the silence needed for self-reflection and family examination. And you both and all need the rest.

 

I think yours is probably the most difficult situation I've read here, and I'm staying in the loop with your threads. Please feel free to message privately also if you ever need 1:1.

[LordRorek]

I appreciate both your apology and your willingness to apologize -- and I apologize also, because I knew when I originally posted that my words were pretty hot and would likely set you off. If it helps you, I think sometimes people have to express anger before it is possible to get safely to the more vulnerable emotions beneath it, like sadness or sorrow or disappointment or fear. When we're discussing relationship trauma, there's so much raw exposed nerve. If someone else loses their temper, even if it may have been in response to something you said or did, honestly it is not a failure on your part. Please don't go through life believing that you are responsible for other people's behaviors or comfort levels.

 

I see you as a person who is earnestly trying to work through a difficult and complex set of circumstances. It sounds like all your family are strivers, and wanting to keep the family body solid and successful for all members. This is beautiful and yet as you know, not all families are like that. In yours it also sounds like you have a major role and responsibility as carer and maybe also as provider and eventually head of the family. That can be a lot of stress, just in anticipation of the role.

 

I didn't see last night the part where her family had openly threatened to have yours dismantled, and that is horrific. It puts a totally different spin on why your parents made the decision they made, and why it happened abruptly -- because if it didn't happen, there was a chance it would get legal, expensive, and horrifically traumatic for every person in your family. Unimaginably traumatic for the youngest. I would lose my temper too.

 

If it means anything, my advice here would be still to stay away from her, and rest. Let some time pass without needing or asking for apology. If her parents threatened to have your family legally broken apart, my guess is that she doesn't understand the full impact of what her parents' actions would mean. She has to come to that understanding of them on her own; you can't help her see it. She will likely only come to understand by dwelling in it alone, without the differences and expectations of you or your family. NC will give the silence needed for self-reflection and family examination. And you both and all need the rest.

 

I think yours is probably the most difficult situation I've read here, and I'm staying in the loop with your threads. Please feel free to message privately also if you ever need 1:1.

 

What I mean is that when I allow myself to devolve to yelling and screaming I consider it a failing on my part.

 

Because I shouldn't allow others words or actions to effect how I treat others. Basically I feel that two wrongs don't make a right and if I allow myself to devolve into yelling and screaming instead of remaining cool and civil then I am no better then the person who is yelling at me.

 

I appreciate the compliments.

 

I have been working hard to overcome my issues and bring myself to a much more stable and peaceful place.

 

I am very much a carer and will be the head of the family at some point. So I am very protective of my family and I take a slight against any one of them as a slight against me personally.

 

The threat came when she first moved in so it wasn't the catalyst for my parents making the decision they made.

 

But there were hundreds of small incidents after the fact that wore down my parents faith that my EX would overcome her issues and that she would no longer allow her families craziness affect our relationship and thier children.

 

The final incident where she suggested that she would use my disabled brothers trust money so that she could see her parents was just the straw that broke the camels back.

 

As far as letting things rest. I am, I have just have alot anger and unresolved issues in relation to her.

 

Thats kind of why I'm here.

 

I no longer am seeking an apology because I have long given up hope for one. I would love an apology for my family but I am not waiting for one anymore.

 

I hope she comes to that understanding and overcomes her issues because no matter how angry I am at her I feel bad for her situation and hope she can overcome it.

 

Thank you for the offer and I might take you up on it.

 

I pray for your healing, health, and happiness.

[figureitout23]

 

I no longer am seeking an apology because I have long given up hope for one. I would love an apology for my family but I am not waiting for one anymore.

 

I hope she comes to that understanding and overcomes her issues because no matter how angry I am at her I feel bad for her situation and hope she can overcome it.

 

 

1.) I also doubt an apology is going to happen. Can it? Sure! But don't hold your breath.

 

2.) Why do you feel bad for her? Just let it be. Stop trying to place yourself above her.

 

3.) Lord, have you ever thought she feels about her family and parents what you feel about yours? It kind of seems to me you lack empathy when it comes to her. You see your point of view and pain, but when anyone suggests you see her point of view or her pain, you get angry and defensive. You get upset when you feel people speak negatively about your family but you've bashed hers left and right. May I ask how that's ok in your mind? She most likely loves her family just as much as you love yours. This whole idea that she somehow owes your family loyalty and not her own... I don't get it. You showed her she's disposable, any sane person when faced with that will latch onto their family. Would you not do the same? I think I would.