The Complete Story of My Breakup

[LordRorek]

I'm about to tell you guys the full story of my break up.

 

The reason I haven't told it until now is that this story is extremely, long embarrassing, and difficult for me to tell.

 

But I am tired of telling this story and not feeling like I am adequately conveying the full complexity of the situation and also I felt that because of how long this story is that I was offering a very short and one-sided version of events.

 

There are a few things that I have to say before I begin.

 

1. This is a long story (8,420 words) but trust me when I say this is the shortest I could possibly write it and still tell everything I needed to say.

 

2. This is a very complicated story and I'm saying all this as it comes to me. So please excuse me jumping around a lot.

 

3. For privacy, I have redacted any names from this story.

 

3. I am not a very eloquent writer, but I will do my best.

 

4. I don't know how you will feel about me or the principle characters of this story by the end but I ask that you refrain from thinking me cruel, pathetic, childish, or whatever.

 

Because I could have written a story in which I am a flawless saint who made absolutely no mistakes and falls prey to a vile harpy, but that isn't what happened. I am going to tell everything, even the parts about me that aren't terribly flattering. How many of you could do the same?

 

So without further ado, let's begin

 

My Ex and I met on Sept 20, 2009, and it was like we were two puzzle pieces that had finally found our other half. The only major incident in this time was when she left me for another guy to and I quote "Shut her mother up!" but she was back in 24 hours begging me to take her back and I did. (Warning Sign #1)

 

My EX and I got engaged and moved in with my parents the year of 2011. My parents were moving from Virginia to Maryland which was 4 hours away from her family. Her parents were incredibly angry at this and hated the idea but my ex was resolved and so was I. Although she did waver abit about two weeks before the move. Thats also when I found out she had been lying about my family to her family for the first two years of our relationship. You see my ex would gush about how wonderful we were to her mother, her mothers insecurities would flair up, and so my ex would make up something bad about my family to placate her. (Warning Sign #2)

 

Her parents never really liked me, partially because of my ex's lies about my family (Which again was to placate her mother's insecurities) and partially because they perceived me as a threat.

 

The gist of my ex's parents.

 

Her mother is that she was abused when she was younger.

 

This makes her feel extremely insecure and as such makes her feel that no one would want her for her. So the only way she feels she can keep people in her life is by controlling them.

 

She would berate my ex and make her feel excessively guilty if she didn't do what she wanted. She would also tell her things like "It's your fault we are fighting!" whenever she and her husband were fighting about her.

 

Her father was a very weak man and would allow her mother to do this because she would equally berate him and he didn't feel like dealing with her, so he would just go along with (almost) whatever she wanted.

 

She didn't like me because I was an uncontrollable outside influence, making her daughter want to do things like stand up to her! *Gasp*.

 

But I digress.

 

Our agreement was that she would work to save money for our future (Although after four years of living together she only saved like 300$ because she would spend money and not tell me.) while I focused on going to college and after I finished school we would try to move closer to her family. (I put emphasize on try because I always told her that "I want to live closer to your parents but if my career or other unforeseen events make us have to move somewhere else, then that's what we have to do.")

 

Well, you see I have autism and a developmental delay, which means I'm at the maturity of someone about 2 years younger than my actual age. So being immature and not really prepared for college, I had a difficult time adjusting and was a real slacker for the first three years only finishing about 1 years worth of classes.

 

The whole time this is going on, my ex's family is telling her (never to my face but always behind my back) that "He is a man child who will never grow up and will always live with his parents." and even though she never said she felt the same, she would get angry at me and tell me that "If you continue to be immature and lazy then I am going to leave you. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can never support me!" (I am paraphrasing but this was the gist of these outbursts).

 

These outbursts and the fear of losing her motivated me to make the necessary changes in my life. So at the beginning of year 4 I had matured, learned how to work hard for what I wanted, and I had finally found my calling in the computer science field. Ever since I have been moving at what seems like lightning speed.

 

This culminated in me telling her and I quote "When we got engaged and moved in together, I thought I was ready to have a career and get married. But I realize now that I wasn't and I'm sorry for that. But I'm ready now." she started crying and thanked god for answering her prayers.

 

Ever since, we started planning for the future, figuring out where we were going to live, what kind of house we wanted, etc etc.

 

That is when it all started to come apart.

 

It all began Dec 25, 2015, on the way home from Christmas at her parent's house.

 

You see (during the summer of that year) we had agreed to start a daily workout routine together, so we could support and motivate each other to see it through. I did the workout routine thinking to myself "I want to quit. But I can't because then she might quit and I want her to be healthy." but she quit after the first few weeks.

 

First it was that she was tired after work and didn't feel like doing it, so we agreed she would do it every other day. Then it was that she was still super tired after work and didn't feel like doing it, so we agreed she would do it on the weekends when she wasn't working. Then she just stopped doing it all together. I kept going for about a month more but I soon lost my motivation because she had quit on me.

 

We didn't talk about it for months because of how busy we were over the holidays but I was very angry at her just quitting on me. Because I started it all and worked so hard at it, to help her get healthy.

 

Now back to the drive home from Christmas. While we were talking during the drive the conversation had eventually shifted to how she had quit on me and how angry I was that she had. That is when she said "Andrew when thing get hard, I just quit!".....These words disturbed me to my very core.

 

Because while she had her flaws like she was a little selfish, had problems with money, had a tendency to lie to avoid consequences, etc etc. Her flaws only endeared her to me because I felt that we could work on them, overcome them, and thus grow closer as a result. But I feel that to overcome any and all character flaws a person may possess, requires sticktoitiveness so that when it gets difficult, you don't give up, and continue until you overcome.

 

I didn't consciously realize it at the time, but that's when all her flaws started to really bother me, becasue without sticktoitiveness on her part we would never be able to overcome them.

 

A few months go by and everything seems okay, but her flaws kept bothering me more and more.

 

Everything came to a head in April.

 

At the beginning of April she was down with the flu and I did what I usually do when she was sick. I waited by her bedside and took care of her (as much as school would permit) but as a result, I got the flu after she got better. Now while I was down sick with 102°F temperature, she asks if she can go down to celebrate her nieces birthday party this weekend, I said it was fine, because my first instinct was always to give her what ever she wanted. So she went to her parents Friday (the 20th) evening after work.

 

Now during our relationship, she had done many things like this or didn't have the courage to stand up to her parents over various issues.

 

An good example would be this one time where she was at her parents for thanksgiving and I had to remain home for school. During this time she was meant to spend a week at her parents (She was between jobs at this point) and during this week my mother went into the hospital. It was serious and during this my ex asked me if she could stay another week so that she could go to a concert with her parents. I was slightly perturbed by this, but I told her it was okay, because I had everything handled on the homefront and so I didn't feel it was necessary for her to come home. Then we found out my mother needed surgery and that she could die.

 

Now when she was away we talked on the phone every night, but after a series of nights in which we talked very briefly. She calls me up one night and starts yelling at me about how "YOU HAVE HARDLY SPOKEN TO ME IN DAYS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT IS SO DAMN IMPORTANT!". Well needless to say I flipped and yelled "MY MOTHER IS F***ING DYING IN THE G**DAMN HOSPITAL AND YOU ARE ING AT ME!!! I AM TRYING TO KEEP THIS HOUSE IN ORDER AND TAKE CARE OF MY YOUNGER SIBLINGS!!! THAT'S WHAT'S SO G**DAMN IMPORTANT!!!" she immediately backed down and started crying, she gegged me not to tell my mom about this and I said "Oh don't worry, I won't! because I know exactly what she would think of you if I did!" she started crying again. We talked it out, she apologized and I forgave her. (Strike #3)

 

But again I digress

 

To understand the situation you have to understand her relationship with my parents. My parents loved her like a daughter, they laughed with her cried with her, supported her, and loved her. Everytime she had one of these incidents they would try to council me and her on how to best deal with our issues and issues in our relationship (like free counciling LOL).

 

After these incidents they would tell me something to the effect of "She has some serious issues, she doesn't seem truly devoted to you, and you need to test her." to which I would always "defend her, tell them that we could work through these issues, and that I felt dishonest testing her".

 

Then my parents would always say something to the effect of "Okay son you know her better then we do. We'll leave it alone."

 

Well my mother brought this up to me Friday night. She said "(my name). If your father was sick and running a 102°F temperature, The last thing I would do is leave him to go to my nieces birthday party." I would have usually replied with something like "But Mom, she doesn't get to see her family that often.", "She came from an extremely troubled upbringing, so she doesn't know any better.", "I said it was okay and I'm fine. *Cough* *Cough*"

 

But this time I couldn't defend her actions, because (like I said earlier) I had started to have doubts about her myself. So my parent suggested that that I test her, It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, I told my parents that "I feel so dishonest testing her like this!" but I did it.

 

My parents had to go run some errands Saturday (the 21st) and I would be home with just my younger siblings for most of the day. So my parents suggested that I call her, telling her that they didn't feel comfortable leaving me with 102°F temperature (being the only one there who can drive), and ask her to come home.

 

At first her response was very neutral like "alright." then she told her parents they flipped thier lid, yelling about how disapointed her niece would be and how they hate my family. After that she called me while she was driving and said (In an extremely angry tone) "WE"LL TALK WHEN I GET HOME!".

 

My parents at this point were pissed but I told them "Let's talk to her! She doesn't know any better! We can work it out!" to which they agreed.

 

Later that evening, she got home full of piss and vinager and we all sat down and had a meeting about it. Over the course of the meeting my mother told her "Everytime we say something bad about you, he defends you. But when your parents say something bad about him, you just sit there." (Which was true) she felt extremely guilty about how she had treated me and started crying. I held her and she said "I treated you so terribly and you are comforting me! You're to good for me!"

 

Sunday morning (the 22nd) we had a meeting about the future and during that meeting, my parents discussed my profoundly autistic brother.

 

Now I had always promised my mother that no matter what happens I would take care of my brother. When my EX and I first got together, I told her that "You have to be okay with my brother living with us and if you aren't okay with that then we can't continue this relationship." to which she replied "Of course I love your brother!".

 

Now back to the meeting. We discussed that (after they die) my brother would live in my parent's current house, and that they want me to live within an 1 1/2 hours of my brother so that someone can be there to make sure he is okay. My EX was not okay with this, because she wanted to live closer to her family, and she told her mother that after spending 4 years living near my family that we would live four 4 years near hers. (Like it's a damn competition! but again I digress)

 

We argued back and forth over it. She even suggested that if we lived near my brother that she be allowed to use his trust money to see her family whenever she wanted, which my parents and me shot down. She soon realized that choosing me meant she would have to choose to live away from her family. That's when my parents told her that she was either devoted to me or she wasn't and if she wasn't it would be best to end it now.

 

She sat there for about two hours going back and forth. When she had made a decision I would ask her "Are you sure?", when she said yes, I would ask her again and she would say something to the effect of "Wait! Wait! let me think!".

 

Now I know this might seem unfair and like I was pressuring her into making the decsion I wanted her to make. And yes, I did want her to choose me and maybe I was pressuring her? I don't know. But I reasoned with myself at the time that I didn't want her to change her mind in a month, come back, and then a month later change her mind again.

 

Now back to the story. She ultimately choose me and when we went upstairs that night she hugged me and said "I choose you because I love you!".

 

That Monday morning (the 23rd) my parents had said they had had enough. Partly because they didn't believe her when she said she was devoted to me (Because of how hesitant she was to make a firm decision) but primarily because she had made that comment about using my brothers trust money to see her parents. I begged and pleaded with them not to do this, but they told me that "Son she has issues and she needs to go home and resolve her issues with her parents." to which I had to agree that all these problems stemmed back to her parental issues.

 

So I told myself that while her going home and us having a long distance relationship might split us up, it was ultimately what was best for her.

 

So the day ticked by, seconds felt like hours, as I waited for her to come home from work, my parents in the mean time got all her stuff and put it on our bed so that it would be easier for her to pack up, when she arrived home I asked her to come to our out door sitting area.

 

I told her that my parents had decided to kick her out.

 

She was very upset by this and asked why, I told her because of her hesitation last night, to which she replied "I knew it". she then asked if I was breaking up with her, at this point I was crying and I replied "I don't want to".

 

She then said something to the effect of "Well, we'll just have a long distance relationship again." (We didn't see eachother much during the first year, so we joked that we had a long distance relationship.) after which I told her "let's go inside and talk to my parents.".

 

We went inside and we both asked them to please give it another chance. My parents said for us to go outside while they discussed it. While we were outside I told her why I decided to let her go, because even though it was tearing me apart, and even though it might break us up, I thought that it might ultimately be whats best for her.

 

My parents called us back and said "Okay, on the condition she goes home and tells her parents the truth about all the lies she has said, we will allow her to stay. We should also have a phone meeting tommorrow between all of us to iron out any remaining issues.".

 

Now you must understand my parents we're always trying to be reasonable and meet her parents half way but they we're the polar opposite.

 

Like there was this one time. You see one of the biggest differences between my family and hers (Other than the stuff I mentioned) is that they never planned anything, they never knew what the final plans were until the vary last minute. My family on the other hand, always plans things well in advance. This became a problem with the various holidays throught out the year. So my parents and us (When I say us I mean my ex and I) came up with the solution to split the holidays and alternate them every year, like one year we would spend christmas with her family and thanksgiving with my family and then the next year we would swap. Well her parents got all bent out of shape, they said something to the effect of "WELL SINCE HEATHER LIVES WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! WE SHOULD GET ALL THE HOLIDAYS!" we still went through with the plan anyway, but they made sure thier displeasure was well known.

 

So to my parents this wasn't a war and we we're thier pawns (To her parents it probably was but I digress) This was more like "Her parents probably have an extremely skewed perspective on us, they are the source of all this chaos, so maybe clearing the air and patching up relations will fix these problems."

 

Now back to the story.

 

You have to understand, they decided to throw her out because all this with Heather was throwing thier house into constant upheavel and they had five other children to consider. So this wasn't a "her family vs my family" issue this was a "WE CAN"T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" issue.

 

We immediately went upstairs to help her pack, for the trip, Then she saw all her stuff and asked why all her stuff was on the bed. I told her the reason...and then to my undying shame, I started acting cold towards her.

 

I don't know why? Maybe I had doubts she would be able to stand up to them and this was my way of disconnecting from the situation?, maybe I thought if I told her how I had planned to divy up our things that it would somehow embolden her? It was a very chaotic and turbulent time, so I can't say for certain. But her reaction to this was to hug me and say "I'm going to do it baby! I'm going to stand up to them! Because I love you!". I felt ashamed of my coldness and offered her my stuffed tribble, saying "Let this be there for you, since I can't be.".

 

We walked downstairs with her bags and at the front door....God I wish I hadn't done this...It is my biggest regret in all of this...I kissed her goodbye and she asked if I would walk her out to the car....and...I said..."No I don't want to see you walk away"...She looked so sad and disapointed but she nodded and said "I understand"...I said I loved her she said the same...and then she was gone...God I wish I had walked her out to the car, told her how much I loved her, and said a proper goodbye. Because this would be the last time I ever see her...all I can remember is the look of sadness and disapointment...I never even got to say goodbye...

 

Now back to the story...

 

On the whole drive there she had preemptively started tell them the truth about everything, from us being intimate (That was a big deal to her parents because they were super religious) to the lies she had told about my parents. She was updatng me the whole time about thier opinions on the truth. They were all postitive like "Oh, sweetie you should have just been honest with us.", "I don't mind you living away from us.", or "Lets do what ever we have to too keep these two together."

 

In the meantime my parents and I had started writing a list of things I need from her and the relationship so that we could be prepared for tommorrows meeting. I can't rememeber what was on it but it was stuff like, he needs to be there for his brother, he needs her to be devoted to him, stuff like that.

 

Well when she got home I didn't get any calls from her for hours. Then around midnight she called, I asked her how she was doing and she said "Bad. They basically told me how they don't think you're a real man, I just sat there in silence." and I told her "It's okay. I'm not expecting miracle. Atleast you were honest with them." Her mother then jumped on the phone and said "Now (My name), she is mispeaking, we think you're 100% man, but we don't feel like you will ever be able to support her." I didn't know what to say to that so I stayed silent, my ex got back on the phone, we both said good night and that we love each other.

 

Tuesday morning (the 24th) we all got ready for the meeting and my ex called me.

 

I can't remember much about this phone call very well, so what happens next is me paraphrasing, while the wording isn't 100% accurate, the meaning within the context of the conversation is.

 

I picked up the phone and I said "Hello", she said crying "Hello".

 

I asked her what was wrong and she said "When my parents were bad mouthing you last night. I just sat there and didn't say anything. You don't deserve that. I am breaking up with you."....I couldn't believe what I was hearing

 

I said "(her name), Please don't do this!" she cried even harder and said "I can't keep hurting them, anymore."

 

In my mind I was grasping at straws...I felt like my whole world was imploding...I was looking for something, anything, to save us..."MY MOM!" I thought "she is much better at talking to people then I am! Maybe she can reason her!"

 

I said "At least talk to my Mom first before you do this? Please?" she said sadly "Alright."

 

My Mom basically said "(her name), I don't know why you are doing this but the only things (my name) needs from you is this." she began reading the the short list we made last night.

 

After my Mom finished I could hear her say over the phone in a kind of surpirsed/sad/crying tone "Thats it!?!".

 

I took back the phone from my Mom and I could hear her parents in the background but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

 

She said sadly "I'm sorry but I can't keep hurting them." I begged her again "(her name) PLEASE! DON'T DO THIS! ATLEAST COME HOME AND LETS TALK ABOUT THIS!"...I was crying at this point

 

She said "I have already called my work and quit." she continued "I couldn't stand up to them for you and you don't deserve that".

 

I said "I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT! JUST PLEASE COME HOME! I LOVE YOU!"

 

She said crying "I can't keep hurting them."...I was desperately looking for a way out of this!...something!...anything!

 

I suddenly remembered that scene from Good Will Hunting, where the girl was breaking up with Will and said "Tell me you don't love me!"

 

So in my desperation I said those exact words and she screamed "I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!" and hung up the phone.

 

I fell to my knees sobbing.

 

I immediately went into denial, thinking "She doesn't mean it! She is just trying to get me to give up on her! I have to fight for her!"

 

She called me back and said "You know what I have something else to say. I don't ever want to live with you or your retarded brother." I could hear her parents egging her on in the background.

 

I told her sobbing "you don't mean any of this! I don't believe you!"

 

She said in an extremely cold tone "Well when are you going to believe me?".

 

I said "Never!"

 

She said in a "God your pathetic" sort of tone "Wow!"

 

Then she yells "WHAT KIND OF PERSON PUT THEIR FIANCÉS STUFF ON THE BED THE NIGHT AFTER SHE SAYS SHE'S DEVOTED TO HIM!?!"

 

To which I replied "I was only trying to help you. I'm sorry."

 

I heard her parents in the background continue to egg her on, so I said "Can you please step outside? I don't want them in the middle of our conversation."

 

She yelled "ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY TO ME! YOU CAN SAY TO THEM!"

 

Then she said ver coldly "You know what? I am done talking to you!"

 

To which I said "I love you!"

 

Then she hung up the phone.

 

The next day she called to arrange where we would meet to pick up her things.

 

The conversation was brief and cold. At the end (out of habit) I said goodbye (like I always had) by saying "I love yo-" but I stopped myself.

 

She said goodbye and that was the last time I spoke to her.

 

I wanted to be there when my parents dropped off her things at the meeting place but they told me "Things could get tense and I don't think you should be there for that. " I agreed so I wrote a letter to her.

 

I don't have a copy but I told her how much I loved her, how much I would miss her, all the plans I had for us, everything I could ever want to tell her and more.

 

My father said that when she saw him all the blood drained right out her face and she wouldn't even look at him.

 

He handed her the letter and said "Here is a letter from (my name)" she wordlessly, with her eyes looking down in shame, walked over, took the letter, and left.

 

I won't bore you with all the gorey details about how mierable I was. but what I will tell you is that the next day she unfriended my whole family from facebook, removed every picture of us, she even unfriended and blocked my parents on an MMO the three of them played together.

 

This really hurt my family. Because to them she wasn't just some girl I was dating. She had lived with us all for 4 years, to my parents she was a daughter, to my siblings she was a sister, we laughed with her, cryed with her, hugged her, and loved her. She was family to us but I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. My parents and siblings cried for days and because of the "I don't ever want to live with you or your retarded brother." he felt like he hated her (Her and my brother were super close before this).

 

I am not delusional. I know my family and her could never be close after this but she could have atleast tried to be friendly and civil to make this transition easier, instead of callously ripping us out of her life and throwing us away into the dust bin of her memmories.

 

But again I digress.

 

A couple of day go by and I broke NC. Now I know what your thinking "Why would you break NC?" Well you see this was my very first break up so I didn't know the rules. LOL

 

I sent her an email simply saying "Why did you break up with me?"

 

I am a smart man. I knew it was over at this point. After seeing my families heartbreak and hearing her call my brother "retarded" I knew we could never be as we were.

 

But I just wanted to know why? why would she do this? the woman I loved could never have done this.

 

She never replied. Then a few days later I realized I had sent some of my important posessitions with her.

 

So I called her and her mother answered.

 

I told her why I had called and she said "I'll tell her. Oh and (my name) you shouldn't try to get back together with her because she has a new friend now and I don't know where you would fit into that." she sounded almost giddy.

 

I knew what she was saying was complete BS but I didn't have the emotional energy to get angry.

 

I just told her "You don't have to worry about that (her mothers name) it's perfectly clear to me that its over." I hung up.

 

I was extremely angry at her mother. Because you know what my mother told me in the depths of my sorrow and in a fit of crying "(my name). If you need to go be with her, I understand." to which I replied "What would be the point? Her parents hate me so I know that they would only make me miserable until I move back here and then I'll be right back where I started."

 

Now back to the story at hand.

 

She sent me this email.

 

Hey, (my name)

My Mom said you called and talked to her. She said there was something that you may have sent, that you wanted back. Just wanted to know what it was, that you wanted.

Thanks (her name)

 

I sent this reply.

 

Dear (her name) I hope you are well, this was originally going to be just about the things I wanted back but I don't know if we are ever going to speak again so I figured I might as well tell you how I feel.

 

Whether you believe me or not, the truth is that I dont want to get back together with you. The reason why is that I understand relationships end, and that no matter how much two people may love each other things some times just dont work out.

 

But when you left me you did it in such a cold and callus way, What I mean by this is that when you left, You didn't give me the chance to talk to you about it, You didn't call or write to tell me how much you would treasure the time we had together and how much you were going to miss me, You never even said goodbye to me. It was as if you just deleted me from your life, this made me feel used and thrown away like a cheap .

 

This hurt me a thousand times worse than the fact that you broke up with me and I dont know if I can ever love you the same again and so for this reason I really dont know if we can ever be as we were before.

 

But I also want you to know that I forgive you because I know that you never meant to hurt me. Snd I'm sorry that If I ever hurt you everything I ever did I did because I loved you and I wanted to help you.

 

I want you to know that I am and always will be your dearest friend, So If you ever need someone to talk too or If you ever need help I will be here for you because you have been one of the very best things that have ever happened to me and I treasure every single moment we spent together. So I could never bring myself to hate someone I loved so much.

 

So as your friend I want to leave you with a little advice. The reason you cant stand up to your parents is because they made you that way. Through all the years of berating, threatening and verbally beating you down, they have made you incapable of standing up for yourself.

 

Since you love men who are strong and any man who is strong, will not live under your parents rule. If my mother threatened me like your mother does to you I would never speak to her again and I dont care if I died on the streets. I will never allow anyone to try and control me that's what it means to be strong. So no matter how much your parents like your next significant other, there will come a time when your significant other cant take anymore and you will either stand up or lose them.

 

So my advice is that you either learn how to stand up to your parents, find a weak man or spend the rest of your life alone.

 

You may not like what I have to say, but I would be a very bad friend if I didn't say it.

 

So in closing I want to say once more that I am and always will be your dearest friend and If you ever need someone to talk too or If you ever need help I will be here for you.

 

With lots of love and hope for you.

 

Your dearest friend. (my name)

 

P.S. I would like my tribble and fly plaid back please.

 

This forgiveness was extremely premature on my part because I hadn't even gotten angry yet. But I was hoping she would at least talk to me and answer some of my questions so I felt that being forgiving might smooth things over.

 

This is her reply.

 

Dear, (my name)

 

I'm sorry that I was so cold to you and that it hurt you so bad. I just wanted you to know that. I felt very confused for while and had to get my thoughts straight. This does not make up for what I did. I'm not giving you excuse, merely the reason as to why I did what I did.

 

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I've done, you and your family. But if not that's fine too whatever you need to do to make you better is what I want. Because you deserve that much. For all the wonderful times we spent together. You made me very happy, and I hope that the next person brings you even more joy than I did. Because you deserve that as well.

 

Your dearest friend, (her name)

 

PS To be completely honest as far as the tribble is concerned, I threw it away. Like I said before I was going through a lot of emotional issues. I couldn't stand to look at it, knowing what you said to me when you handed it to me. And as far as the fly plate goes. I'm not sure what happened to it. I don't think I have it. I've looked through all of my things, I'll be sure to look through everything again though for you.

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

I never understood that "confused" part. Confused about what? Why did you needing to get your thoughts straight deem it necessary to hurt my family and call my brother a retard?

 

But again I digress

 

I don't have the email but I said something like this.

 

Thank you for your apology.

 

If I find anymore of your stuff I will mail it to you and if you find anymore of my stuff just mail it to me.

 

Your dearest friend. (my name)

 

P.S. May I ask why you broke up with me? You never gave me a specific reason and I'm curious as to why?

 

 

That was my last communication with her. She has never replied to any other messages I have sent.

 

This silent treatment was crushing, I felt like a leper, or a monster. In tha abense of of concrete answers I started blaming myself, I started thinking "Maybe if I wasn't so lazy, stupid, and disabled she wouldn't have left me!?!" or "God I'm so ing ugly! No wonder she left your stupid ugly @$$!". Yeah not one of my proudest moments but heartbreak does strange things to one's mind.

 

I was miserable for months, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, all I could do was miss her. I know what some of you are thinking "SHE CALLED YOUR BROTHER A RETARD! HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT B***H!" but like I said heartbreak does strange things to one's mind.

 

Then I started getting angry and when I say angry, I mean ANGRY!!! like murderously angry, the angriest I have ever felt in my life. Was I angry at what she did to me? Yes. Was that the thing I was most angry at? No. I was most angry at what she did to my family because she said she was sorry to me. But she has never aplogized to them. (especially my brother whom she called a retard.) Trust me I have poured over the above email and never once did she apologize to them. She may have asked them for forgiveness but she never apologized.

 

To understand my anger, you have to understand one thing about me. I love my family more then life itself. I would die for my family without a moments hesitation. You can do whatever you want to me but if you mess with my family? I don't care if I have to burn the whole world to ground. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE messes with my family and expects to walk away unscathed.

 

I think I wrote on here once that "I was expecting/hoping for an explanation on why she did what she did, an apology to all the members of my family for what she did to us, and an expression of gratitude for all that my family did for her.

 

But that expectation/hope gave rise to only disapointment, and that disapointment has only served to fuel a fire of hatred inside of me that I am struggling to try to put out at this point."

 

I kept waiting for a letter to arrive but it never came and everyday it didn't I just go angrier and angrier. But now I am working to forgive her. I even wrote her a forgiveness letter.

 

Dear (her name)

 

I hope this letter finds you and your family well.

 

I am writing this letter to tell you that I fully and completely forgive you for what you did to me and my family.

 

I spent a long time hating you and wishing for you to burn in hell for how you crushed my heart, shattered my world, and hurt my family. I was so angry because you abandonded me even though you knew I had abandonment issues. You said you loved me, but I could never have so callously hurt anyone I loved the way you hurt me.

 

But I have finally realized something. The reason you were able to so callously hurt me and my family is that your broken and because your broken you dont know how to love to the same degree as I do. In simple terms I loved you more than you were capable of loving me.

 

I believed you loved me to the same degree I loved you, I believed you would never hurt me, I believed that if it did end it would be with respect and dignity. In short I put expectations on you that you could never measure up to.

 

I understand why your broken and dont know how to love its because your parents never really taught you how, because they themselves dont know how to truly love someone either. Not only that but the way your parents did raise you only compounded the problem.

 

In the same way (my brothers name) cant help the way he is, you cant help the way you are. I couldnt possibly hate (my brothers name) for having autism, so I can no longer hate you for being broken, even if your issues caused me so much pain.

 

So I truly, completely, and utterly forgive you for any and all pain you have caused me and my family. All I ask in exchange for my forgiveness is that you do whatever you have to do to heal yourself and learn how to truly love. Whether you need to go to counseling, read self help books, go to support groups etc etc, whatever you have to do I ask that you do it.

 

Because I dont want anyone else to be hurt in the same way I was, but more than that I dont want you to go through years of pain, heartache, and suffering to learn these lessons. I want you to find true, complete, and total love and happiness in your life.

 

Because no matter how broken you are, you are truly a beautiful person with a truly beautiful soul.

 

I pray everyday for your healing, health and happiness.

 

-(my name)

 

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

 

She blocked me on facebook after I sent it although she unblocked me after I sent her a message telling her that "I can't believe you would block me! All I was trying to do was release you from any guilt you may have from our relationship" and that "even thought she blocked me I still forgive her" but she did make it so I could never send her another message on facebook but, what evs, I can't control what people do.

 

A few months down the road I blocked her on facebook because seeing her picture on facebook everyday would only piss me off and that was not conducive to me forgiving her.

 

I sent her a message telling her.

 

(her name) I wanted to let you know I'm blocking you and everyone close to you from my facebook because even though I have forgiven you I still get angry whenever I see your face.

 

These are the reasons I still get angry at you.

 

1. You threw my family away like garbage (deleting them off facebook, runescape, etc etc) after we loved, cared and made you a memeber our family for 4 1/2 years.

 

2. You called (my brothers name) a retard which made him feel like you hated him.

 

4. Your actions made my siblings and my parents feel betrayed like thier sister/daughter abandoned them.

 

5. You never gave the members of my family a sincere apology for your actions nor did you explain why you so callously threw all of them away.

 

6. You never gave me a detailed explanation of why you broke up with me and abandoned my family except that you were "confused". Which is a lie, the reason you broke up with me is that your parent guilted you into it. I know this because when I asked you to not do this (Break up with me) you said and I qoute "I can't keep hurting them anymore".

 

7. When I was sitting there traumatized and refusing to believe what was happening you so cruelly and callously said "WOW!!!" like I was pathetic.

 

8. The fact that you haven't returned any of my stuff (Like my bat man T-shirt or st micheal pendant which is my most cherrished possession I might add) even though I spent like 40$ in shipping to send you back your things.

 

9. The fact that when I was trying to offer you my forgivness you blocked me on facebook. I find this one particularly infuriating because after everything you have done, I offer you absolution and you spit in my face.

 

10. You have tainted all the good memories I have of us. "How?" you might be wondering, well after everything you have done I can't think of any of the good times we had without immediately feeling angry about what happened. I hope one day I will be able to look back on those memories fondly, but as of now they are all tainted and I seriously doubt that will change.

 

All I ever wanted from you was a letter conatining a full explanation of why you hurt us and a detailed sincere apology to me and all the members of my family for the pain you caused us.

 

You never did and I have no idea why, I could never have done this to you without atleast attempting to make ammends. But I have long given up hope for this letter.

 

I know it's never coming for whatever reason.

 

But even though you make me angry, I have forgiven you and the reason is that more than anything I pity you.

 

Because I know that with how ed up your family is and the fact that you give up and run whenever things get hard (You told me this the christmas of 2015 "Whenever things get hard I just quit") that you are most likely going to have a sad miserable life.

 

I forgave you for the same reason I decided to forgive Gene, pity.

 

I have forgiven but I will never forget what you did to me and my family. This is ultimately why we can never be anything, even friends. Because even a friend should show more care and respect than what you showed me.

 

I know you are probably not going to read this because you have moved on and I'm glad for that, I have finally moved on as well ( Which is partially also why I am blocking you ) but, because of your actions, you made moving on a far longer and excruciating process for me than it had to be.

 

This will be my last letter, I have finally voiced everything I had to say.

 

Goodbye.

 

PS If you would like to know more about your mental state I discussed you at length with a psychologist on this free therapy forum. ]

 

I know the tone of this is a little more venomous then my previous letters but I was like "If this is going to be my last letter I might as well voice the last of my unvoiced thoughts." Which unsuprisingly were my angriest ones.

 

And that's my story.

 

I guess I learned alot from this experience. I learned that family is always there for you. I learned that "The best laid plans are of mice and men". I learned to never expect others to treat you the way you would want to be treated. I learned that people aren't who they say they are but what they do to you.

 

But what I learned most from my relationship with her was to stand on my own two feet. What I mean by that is that without her motivating me to help me mature and find my calling I wouldn't be the man I am today. She led my transtition from a weak boy into a strong man.

 

Do I have regrets from my relationship with her? Yeah I have alot of them (My biggest one being that I put up with her crap for so long and that I didn't end it sooner).

 

But I agree with the old saying "It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all".

 

-LordRorek

[Dominique]

Thank you for sharing. You have been through a lot.

 

Sending you light and love and freedom from regrets.

[JustinPonders]

First off sorry you went through this hell. I can only imagine the great pain you experienced. I can sympathise because my ex was almost the 40 year old version of yours. And the other common denominator is that both your ex's family and mine were completely disastrous. The bottom line was your ex was mentally disturbed. She had and still has no solid foundation. She can't properly love others because the truth is she can't love herself. So these type of people can't be bargained or reasoned with. They're completely unreasonable because they're broken. And make matters worse they feel as though they are the only victim. They will never take responsibility because that is what they were conditioned to be. Don't think for a second that you guys were gonna last even had you walked her to her car, or said this, done that, it all doesn't matter. You were in a lose-lose situation my friend. You were setup to fail no matter the outcome. I'm telling you my ex was just like yours only the 40 year old version and she pretty much came at me, after the break up, just like your ex came at you, with hate, anger, no reasoning, no empathy, no remorse no nothing. Just pure, cold, emptiness. People like them are not human, honestly. It's sad because instead of love governing their way of life they operate on hate, revenge and coldness. Their energy level was way to low to be in line with you and your families energy. See, your family is governed by love, logic and peace. Theirs is of chaos, anger and hate. You should be glad she did what she did. You would've never been happy in the long run with her and me too with mine. Yes, we loved them because that's who we are. We love with our hearts. They love with only the idea of it and once their ideology is badly interrupted they bail without regret. Hence how she got over you so quick. You see, you and i grew up in good families who loved us and nurtered us in a healthy, normal environment, but people like them were the opposite. They literally are poison.

 

Here's my final say. Don't ever and I mean this, EVER contact this witch ever again, no matter what. She doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you. And she never will. No amount of apologies, forgiveness, reasoning will ever change their mind. They're incapable of it. With each and every message or attention you give her all you're doing, actually, is fueling her demented ego. STOP!!! She doesnt deserve it, ever. Let her live her life of misery. And she is sadly dreaming if she thinks she's going to find a man in his right mind that will want her and take care of her. That relationship will eventually implode as well. You mark my words. In my situation my biggest, BIGGEST regret was i didn't know all of this until it was all too late. I made all the common mistakes. I too reached out to my ex numerous times after our breakup, out of love and guikt and I hated myself for it for the reasons I mentioned above about our ex's and their families.

 

Here's my suggestion. Relax as best as you can. Learn from your mistakes. Don't ever, EVER contact her again, even if she's on her death bed. Date when you feel you're ready and make SURE if you do start seeing another women toure interested in pursuing you better find out if her family history first and foremost. Now that you know the ugly side you can easily compare what is and isn't normal. Pretty much if the new woman has a family like your ex's, run! Lol.

 

You'll be alright my friend. I assure you. You're going through hell because just like me, we feel rejected, taken advantage of, humiliated and demoralized by these emotional vampires. We were defintily traumatized and therefore super difficult to wrap our heads around what happened and how it all got vaporized. We will eventually see the light.

 

Good luck!

[thealchemist]

Sucks. Hopefully you learned a lot from that relationship.

[RainyCoast]

i'm glad you were able to get it all down in writing. i always keep putting that part off, but when i do it, it helps a lot.

[LordRorek]

i'm glad you were able to get it all down in writing. i always keep putting that part off, but when i do it, it helps a lot.

Yeah that is definitely the hardest part. 😂

[Dominique]

I too am glad you got it all out. It helps. I don't know why but somehow it purges the system to get it all down.

 

I'm humbled that you shared this with us. Thank u

[LonelyJedi]

Our stories are very similar, but I feel that yours was far worse than mine.

 

I agree, this woman is crazy and is her parents' slave. She is living in her own hell, that SHE CREATED. Find yourself a strong woman 😉

 

The biggest difference is that you have had the strength to bounce back from this, I am still struggling.

 

Your strength & wisdom is a great asset to this forum and the people on it.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, it will all of us in one way or another.

[LordRorek]

Thank you all so much for your support.

 

I was a little scared to post this because I was worried that people might think ill of me but I'm glad to see that I was wrong. 😊

[figureitout23]

So I read the entire story and I think you're both wrong and controlled by your parents.

 

From reading this I can conclude you let them control you just as much as she lets hers control her. Of course the story is not going to blatantly convey that because it's you telling it, but the second you complained about her parents controlling her and then you say you allowed your parents to convince you, you 'had' to test her. My God man! Whose relationship is this? Yours or both of your parents? BOTH of your parents battled for control of their children and the BOTH of you played right into it. This is not going to bode well for future relationships.

 

I'm not going to lie, if I met a man controlled by his parents to the degree that she is controlled by hers or you are controlled by yours or if I was told by my mates PARENTS how my life was going to be and that I HAD to be a caretaker. I'd run for the hills.

 

You were both in the wrong and until the both of you... for lack of better words... grow up, this isn't going to go anywhere.

 

You and your parent orchestrated a manipulative power play and it blew up in your face. She comes how from work and her belonging are packed up and her boyfriend coldly tells her to kick rocks? You're lucky she even spoke to you after that! It was cruel and manipulative and didn't work because she had her 'hype crew' ( her parents) just like you had yours. This wasn't even you or your exes battle. This was a battle between parents. You two were just casualties of war as far as I see it.

 

I'm sorry it happened, but you're no more of a victim than she is of this break up. You both hurt one another and allowed outside forces to rip you apart.

 

What she said about your brother was cruel and depending on how forgiving you are, has the potential to be unforgivable. BUT in the future when you begin to date again please realize the job of lifelong caretaker is not something to be forced upon a potential mate nor is it ok to spring on them or force it upon them. It is a HUGE... for lack of better words... requirement to have for a mate. Will you meet someone willing to be your partner and accept this? If you learn to set up healthy boundaries with your parents, I'm sure you can, but you will get a lot who just simply aren't willing to do that and you can't blame them for it.

 

You two were dealing with the exact same baggage which is probably why they didn't set off red flags right away.

 

Good luck on your journey of healing.

[LordRorek]

So I read the entire story and I think you're both wrong and controlled by your parents.

 

From reading this I can conclude you let them control you just as much as she lets hers control her. Of course the story is not going to blatantly convey that because it's you telling it, but the second you complained about her parents controlling her and then you say you allowed your parents to convince you, you 'had' to test her. My God man! Whose relationship is this? Yours or both of your parents? BOTH of your parents battled for control of their children and the BOTH of you played right into it. This is not going to bode well for future relationships.

 

I'm not going to lie, if I met a man controlled by his parents to the degree that she is controlled by hers or you are controlled by yours or if I was told by my mates PARENTS how my life was going to be and that I HAD to be a caretaker. I'd run for the hills.

 

You were both in the wrong and until the both of you... for lack of better words... grow up, this isn't going to go anywhere.

 

You and your parent orchestrated a manipulative power play and it blew up in your face. She comes how from work and her belonging are packed up and her boyfriend coldly tells her to kick rocks? You're lucky she even spoke to you after that! It was cruel and manipulative and didn't work because she had her 'hype crew' ( her parents) just like you had yours. This wasn't even you or your exes battle. This was a battle between parents. You two were just casualties of war as far as I see it.

 

I'm sorry it happened, but you're no more of a victim than she is of this break up. You both hurt one another and allowed outside forces to rip you apart.

 

What she said about your brother was cruel and depending on how forgiving you are, has the potential to be unforgivable. BUT in the future when you begin to date again please realize the job of lifelong caretaker is not something to be forced upon a potential mate nor is it ok to spring on them or force it upon them. It is a HUGE... for lack of better words... requirement to have for a mate. Will you meet someone willing to be your partner and accept this? If you learn to set up healthy boundaries with your parents, I'm sure you can, but you will get a lot who just simply aren't willing to do that and you can't blame them for it.

 

You two were dealing with the exact same baggage which is probably why they didn't set off red flags right away.

 

Good luck on your journey of healing.

Okay I understand what you have to say but my parents have never been controlling in any sense of the word.

 

They do not berate me or beat me down emotionally in anyway.

 

They have always encouraged me to make my own choices and to stand on my own two feet.

 

There have been times when I have straight up told them when they had something bad to say about Heather "Shut your damn mouth!"

 

They never even got mad at me for saying it, hell they were proud of me for standing up to them because they were dead wrong.

 

Meanwhile when ever her parents had anything bad to say about me she just sat there and let them say it.

 

They never once forced or manipulated me into doing anything. I asked for thier advice on the matter and I took it for better or worse.

 

I also didn't spring this on her I asked her in the beginning whether she would be okay with my brother living with us and she said "Of course I love (My brothers name)." but when it came time for the rubber to meet the road she couldn't handle it.

 

I also stated how this wasn't a my family VS her family issue this was a "We can't take this crap anymore issue.

 

Because like I said all this arguing and chaos brought on by her was to much for my parents to bear anymore.

 

That's why they were going to through her out and that is the only reason.

[RainyCoast]

i understand what figureitout is saying tbh. there is excessive parental involvement on both sides. i've just talked to your friend with the similar story and asked the same question : who broke up here (the families?).

 

however, i understand that R's parents are more involved due to the childrens' disabilities. they don't seem controlling to me, but rather, that they encourage very open discourse in the family in order to create a habit for the children to work with their emotions. i was extremely surprised when R said he is two years behind his peers, maturation-wise, because i have seen him face his emotions head-on, and very eager to work with them, and he is very receptive to input, and candid even when when disclosing his negative affects. i think that's very mature, and many people much older than him do not have that readiness. i even suspected that the parents have either undergone a lot of psychoeducation or counseling on how to support their childrens development, or have really done their homework on educating themselves. it's a fulltime job, imo. there will be a level of over-involvement in families where someone objectively needed to rely on the others, but it needn't grow into unhealthy fusion. i'm sure it's like walking a tightrope for them, between over and under influencing the kids. they seem to be very willing to step aside when R wants to do his own thing.

 

i see him reaching out here, and really willing to work through his feelings, and taking responsibility rather than just choosing to do whatever his parents decide.

 

i may be wrong, and in any case, i'm merely disclosing my own impression, but i believe they are undergoing a growth cycle as a family, trying to balance the security their unbreakable support of one another offers, and the children learning to feel vulnerable- and to take charge of that vulnerability.

 

i do advocate that once a couple is established, they start introducing distance. family is excellent support, but support is someone on the outside, saying you can come to me anytime with anything. it's not someone on the inside, orchestrating a relationship. the girls parents i don't believe would accept an outside position, but in LRs case, i think next time he's in a relationship, they would gladly agree to stand on the periphery and let him come to them.

 

LR, as far as the how could someone do this to us goes, i think the pain is contingent upon us personalizing it. she didn't really do this to you, i mean in the sense that she did those things thinking here is what i'm going to do to LR. more like, she was being her nutty self. i'm not denying we feel the damage done in this way, but if we realize it's collateral damage, the feeling of being disempowered and abused in a sense lessens. we wouldn't personalize the damage egg-sized hail does to our windows, as in how could it do this to us. well, people who aren't in control of their issues are damaging in that same sense. falling coconuts. i'm sure if they knew a different way of functioning, they'd more often than not choose behaviors that cause as little pain to others as possible.

 

don't overthink the blow you've received. she had this one chance to influence your life. you have hundreds of chances, every day. highlight that. she had the freedom to exert that one big punch. you have the freedom to do countless good things for yourself.

 

observe dysfunction of individuals and groups like you would a lab experiment. don't ask what they're doing to you, ask simply what are they doing. people are far more concerned with the effects their behavior will have on them, than others. for example, displeasing the parents would result in unbearable circumstance xyz that must be avoided at all costs, hence i behave in ways that protect me from the parents wrath. their behavior is a direct manifestation of their dysfunction.

 

when you fall into the trap of thinking why is this happening to me, done to me, you start feeling worthless and accursed, and how can one get over that easily. things happen not because we're being martyred, but because such is life.

 

 

feel better soon.

[LordRorek]

i understand what figureitout is saying tbh. there is excessive parental involvement on both sides. i've just talked to your friend with the similar story and asked the same question : who broke up here (the families?).

 

however, i understand that R's parents are more involved due to the childrens' disabilities. they don't seem controlling to me, but rather, that they encourage very open discourse in the family in order to create a habit for the children to work with their emotions. i was extremely surprised when R said he is two years behind his peers, maturation-wise, because i have seen him face his emotions head-on, and very eager to work with them, and he is very receptive to input, and candid even when when disclosing his negative affects. i think that's very mature, and many people much older than him do not have that readiness. i even suspected that the parents have either undergone a lot of psychoeducation or counseling on how to support their childrens development, or have really done their homework on educating themselves. it's a fulltime job, imo. there will be a level of over-involvement in families where someone objectively needed to rely on the others, but it needn't grow into unhealthy fusion. i'm sure it's like walking a tightrope for them, between over and under influencing the kids. they seem to be very willing to step aside when R wants to do his own thing.

 

i see him reaching out here, and really willing to work through his feelings, and taking responsibility rather than just choosing to do whatever his parents decide.

 

i may be wrong, and in any case, i'm merely disclosing my own impression, but i believe they are undergoing a growth cycle as a family, trying to balance the security their unbreakable support of one another offers, and the children learning to feel vulnerable- and to take charge of that vulnerability.

 

i do advocate that once a couple is established, they start introducing distance. family is excellent support, but support is someone on the outside, saying you can come to me anytime with anything. it's not someone on the inside, orchestrating a relationship. the girls parents i don't believe would accept an outside position, but in LRs case, i think next time he's in a relationship, they would gladly agree to stand on the periphery and let him come to them.

 

LR, as far as the how could someone do this to us goes, i think the pain is contingent upon us personalizing it. she didn't really do this to you, i mean in the sense that she did those things thinking here is what i'm going to do to LR. more like, she was being her nutty self. i'm not denying we feel the damage done in this way, but if we realize it's collateral damage, the feeling of being disempowered and abused in a sense lessens. we wouldn't personalize the damage egg-sized hail does to our windows, as in how could it do this to us. well, people who aren't in control of their issues are damaging in that same sense. falling coconuts. i'm sure if they knew a different way of functioning, they'd more often than not choose behaviors that cause as little pain to others as possible.

 

don't overthink the blow you've received. she had this one chance to influence your life. you have hundreds of chances, every day. highlight that. she had the freedom to exert that one big punch. you have the freedom to do countless good things for yourself.

 

observe dysfunction of individuals and groups like you would a lab experiment. don't ask what they're doing to you, ask simply what are they doing. people are far more concerned with the effects their behavior will have on them, than others. for example, displeasing the parents would result in unbearable circumstance xyz that must be avoided at all costs, hence behave in ways that protect me from the parents wrath. their behavior is a direct manifestation of their dysfunction.

 

when you fall into the trap of thinking why is this happening to me, done to me, you start feeling worthless and accursed, and how can one get over that easily. things happen not because we're being martyred, but because such is life.

 

 

feel better soon.

Firstly I want to say thank you for all the compliments I'm actually blushing. 😳

 

My parents have always commented that I am an old soul in a lot of ways and that I have always been very good at dealing with my emotions in a very constructive way.

 

But it's more about work ethic and certain behaviors that I am behind on.

Maybe I am no more mature than my peers but that my learning disabilities and having to be held back in school had always made me feel like I was playing catch up with my peers... Hmmm this requires closer examination.

 

Secondly again RainyCoast I am shocked by your unbelievable powers of insight!

 

But your right! I have been personalizing a hurt that could never have been personal!

 

She acts like a immature child and would I blame an immature child for treating me and my family like crap and then never apologizing to them?

 

So why should I blame her?

 

I guess it's that when you look at an adult who appears more mature then you it can be easy to view thier behaviors both during and after the fact as personal slights because someone more mature should know better.

 

But I guess someone looking mature and being mature are two entirely different things.

 

Thridly you are exactly right about everything you said in relation to my parents. They have always been very supportive and have tried to help us through open discourse.

 

Again I am astounded by your observational powers. 😮

[RainyCoast]

nah, i just wore many pairs of shoes, i guess i can relate to a lot of whacky stuff.

 

I guess it's that when you look at an adult who appears more mature then you it can be easy to view thier behaviors both during and after the fact as personal slights because someone more mature should know better.

 

But I guess someone looking mature and being mature are two entirely different things.

absolutely. people who grew up traumatized in a way, especially within the family, have a propensity for precocious development in some regards, while other parts of them are stunted, frozen in the trauma, and they have a repetition compulsion to act the trauma out again and again, like with her difficulty with excessive submission to the parents puppeteering. i don't doubt she was mature in many other ways, while being stuck in the role assigned to her by her parents within the family. it takes a lot to outgrow that.

[LordRorek]

nah, i just wore many pairs of shoes, i guess i can relate to a lot of whacky stuff.

 

absolutely. people who grew up traumatized in a way, especially within the family, have a propensity for precocious development in some regards, while other parts of them are stunted, frozen in the trauma, and they have a repetition compulsion to act the trauma out again and again, like with her difficulty with excessive submission to the parents puppeteering. i don't doubt she was mature in many other ways, while being stuck in the role assigned to her by her parents within the family. it takes a lot to outgrow that.

What would you say her odds of having a happy fulfilling life are and when someone overcomes this sort of trauma do they tend to try and right the wrongs they committed when they were messed up?

 

Kinda like how most alcoholics try to make amends for thier actions after they have overcome thier addiction.

[RainyCoast]

no, as long as they don't have a reason to. they can just keep projecting on people before they face themselves, and some ppl spend a lifetime doing just that. eventually, the tension with her parents will probably grow to an unbearable point, and nobody can predict whether she will choose to work on it or take the easy way out.

 

i would be careful to not revert back to wondering what she can do to me/for me- in regard to apologies and reparations.

 

i've realized people and life don't owe me those, even if they did cause me harm. i owe reparation to myself.

 

the longer the locus of control is outside, the longer we feel frustrated, waiting for amends.

 

i would skip that unnecessary step entirely.

[LordRorek]

no, as long as they don't have a reason to. they can just keep projecting on people before they face themselves, and some ppl spend a lifetime doing just that. eventually, the tension with her parents will probably grow to an unbearable point, and nobody can predict whether she will choose to work on it or take the easy way out.

 

i would be careful to not revert back to wondering what she can do to me/for me- in regard to apologies and reparations.

 

i've realized people and life don't owe me those, even if they did cause me harm. i owe reparation to myself.

 

the longer the locus of control is outside, the longer we feel frustrated, waiting for amends.

 

i would skip that unnecessary step entirely.

 

Oh no I was just curious about whether or not she would ever try to make amends. But I'm not holding my breath and waiting for it.

 

I have long since given up hope, or at the very least, lowered my expectations to almost nothing.

 

Sometimes it's a little difficult to tell the difference between the two. LOL

 

I feel sorry for her and a part of me hopes she overcomes her issues. I would hate to see her spend the rest of her life on a never ending cycle of partners that always end in tragedy.

 

This place has helped me with my anger significantly.

 

Because A. I can get all my thoughts and feelings out in a safe and welcoming place and B. helping others on here has also helped me rediscover my empathy and compassion.

 

You see when I was choking on my rage and hatred I couldn’t even remember what kindness and compassion felt like anymore. Like that part of me was gone.

 

So I came on here their initially to find support and help for myself but then I found people on here that were in that same terrible place I was almost a year ago.

 

I started giving love, advice, and support. While doing this it was like the majority of my rage just melted away and was replaced with love, kindness, and compassion.

 

P.S. What did you mean when you said " i've realized people and life don't owe me those, even if they did cause me harm. i owe reparation to myself." I was a little confused by this statement.

 

I mean are we not supposed to want an apology for the wrongs others have done to us?

 

I think what you're trying say is that we can't rely on others for our own well-being or forgiveness. We have to give it to ourselves.

[RainyCoast]

i understand.

 

I mean are we not supposed to want an apology for the wrongs others have done to us?

 

I think what you're trying say is that we can't rely on others for our own well-being or forgiveness. We have to give it to ourselves.

 

that is what i mean, yes. it would be nice to be treated fairly. but people who are too dysfunctional aren't really equipped to do the right thing. so i don't expect them to, any more than i would expect a one legged man to jump- although he might.

 

i would expect her to have a few more crises tbh. there honestly sees to be zero insight on her part atm.

[LordRorek]

i understand.

 

 

 

that is what i mean, yes. it would be nice to be treated fairly. but people who are too dysfunctional aren't really equipped to do the right thing. so i don't expect them to, any more than i would expect a one legged man to jump- although he might.

 

i would expect her to have a few more crises tbh. there honestly sees to be zero insight on her part atm.

Man I feel so bad for her.

 

P.S. I just found out that you're a girl. All this time I pictured you looking like Sigmund Freud. 😂

[LaHermes]

LR.

 

I mean are we not supposed to want an apology for the wrongs others have done to us?

 

What we want in this life and what we get are vastly different a lot of the time. Life is unfair. It is how it is.

 

An analogy:

 

Regarding what you might "want" to get from this person : "you can't get pears off an elm tree".

Can't give what they don't have.

[eidetic]

You and your parents threw this woman you all loved under a bus. You fired her from home, family, and love partnership all in a single night. And you are looking down on her, blaming her, calling her names, demanding some kind of reparation or humility, and worst of all, assuming she is broken and destined for a low and miserable life. I don't think she owes you or your family any apology.

 

That business about the trust money was unfortunate but it sounds like you both are young. It probably could have been sorted out in a later frank discussion. Instead your family set her up and threw her out.

 

Where you take issue with her about perseverance and her admitting that she just gives up? Don't ever take issue with her for that again. You and your parents showed her explicitly and shamefully, traumatically, that there are definitely times in life where giving up is not just the most reasonable option, but actually the most imperative option, and finally, THE ONLY option.

 

This was a person whom you all loved, and who loved all of you. What you and your family did to her that night could have resulted, for a more vulnerable person, in a suicide. If she is still living and breathing and able to hold her head high, your pity is unfounded: she's not broken, she's strong.

 

You both are going to mature from this. You both will find happiness and fulfillment in life. But stop accusing her and demanding anything. She's not lower than you. She's not lesser, or any worse off. You broke up with her first by throwing her out of the home she shared with you. That is so much bigger than calling anyone a retard. See this all for what it is.

 

I am grateful for your candid story and I think you have a gift for it; your writing voice is very engaging. But please use your powers for good. You loved this woman, red flags and all, and she loved you despite your own. It's unfortunate that it got so out of hand, and all the parents are at fault for that, even well intentioned. Keep your family's issues out of it, if you communicate with her ever again. And if you do communicate with her again, do so only with the gentlest love. Not because she is "broken" "dysfunctional" or any other judgment you might cast -- but because she is a woman, a woman you loved, and she doesn't deserve more blasting or shaming from you.

[eidetic]

Think of it this way: each of the people in your family was hurt by one person -- her.

 

She was hurt and thrown away, and probably blown away, by at least three of you, all at the same time.

 

Someday down the road, I think you will come to understand that there were a multitude of other ways that this situation could have been handled more gracefully. Your parents -- yours, and hers -- owe you both an apology. If yours apologize to you, please apologize to her. They should as well. If no one apologizes? It doesn't mean they weren't wrong.

 

I hope that makes sense.

[LordRorek]

Think of it this way: each of the people in your family was hurt by one person -- her.

 

She was hurt and thrown away, and probably blown away, by at least three of you, all at the same time.

 

Someday down the road, I think you will come to understand that there were a multitude of other ways that this situation could have been handled more gracefully. Your parents -- yours, and hers -- owe you both an apology. If yours apologize to you, please apologize to her. They should as well. If no one apologizes? It doesn't mean they weren't wrong.

 

I hope that makes sense.

I appreciate what you have said eidetic but in this case you are wrong.

 

I have worked through this over and over again and while this last incident was a failure on everyone's part and probably could have been handled alot better.

 

There were hundreds of smaller incidents that led to this moment. We had been trying to help her for years and overcome her emotional issues from her parents emotionally abusing her when she was younger.

 

But her selfish and immature behavior became to much for my parents to deal with and they had 5 other disabled children to think about!

 

So no matter how much they loved her and me thier other children had to come first and the constant arguments and upheaval was negatively affecting them.

 

I couldn't include all this here because that would be an 800 page novel. So I tried to include as much relevant information as possible.

 

What I don't appreciate is that you are assuming my parents are terrible controlling individuals just from this story.

 

My parents have been nothing but saints my entire life.

 

My biological father was a drug addict and my mother had 6 profoundly autistic children. But did she give up and throw in the towel? NO! She took us to the hundreds of doctors and therapists to help us with our condition.

 

The only reason I am as far as I am is because of my parents and trust me when I say that they were more than reasonable to both her and her parents during all these incidents.

 

Meanwhile her mother said and I quote "if she (referring to my ex) moves down there with them than I'm going to call social services to get their kids taken away to keep her (referring to my ex) with us."

 

So who were the bad guys in this? THEM!

 

Her F-ing parents ripped her apart in all this and destroyed our relationship!

 

Because they wanted thier daughter back! Like she's an F-ing doll!

 

I pity her because her parents are going to make her life a miserable living hell of an existence!

 

The fact that she left the only people who have ever given a damn about her and ran back to people who have done nothing but verbally and emotionally abuse her is why I say she is weak.

 

Because I realized after she left that if my mother treated me the way her mother treats her I would never speak to my mother again.

 

AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY PARENTS GOOD NAME TO BE SULLIED BY YOU PEOPLE WHO BARELY EVEN KNOW THEM!!!

 

THIS STORY WAS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED DURING MY BREAK UP! NOT HOW MY PARENTS ARE CONTROLLING MONSTERS!

 

I MADE THIS STORY AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE AND DURING THAT SOME INFO WAS LOST!!!

 

BUT STOP TAKING THE LITTLE BIT YOU DO KNOW AND ASSUME YOU KNOW WHO MY PARENTS ARE!!!

 

P.S. And I have apologized for my actions both during our relationship and during the break up. But I didn't include it here because I didn't feel it was relevant. It was just a small email that I sent.

 

And my brother being called a retard is monstrous thing to do!

 

He doesn't understand and felt like she hated him and that it was his fault for the break up!

 

She made him feel that way with her callous and cold words and she knew full well how this would effect him because they were super close while she lived with us.

 

He was an innocent bystandered in all of this so why should she use him to hurt me? That speaks volumes about her character in and of itself.

[eidetic]

Posting to private.

[LordRorek]

I am a parent myself and understand that your folks loved her, were challenged by the situation, and did the very best they could. I also understand that they did not do this without deep consideration for the entire family, including her.

 

You were together for years. I also understand that every story here has so much backstory that it is impossible to tell all, and that some of the details are not shown -- and that the hurt caused by differing world views or communication styles was going on for a long time.

 

What I want to impart to you here is that it is not so black and white. She is not a villain, just different from your family. I understand that there were solid reasons for your parents' decision. What I am responding to mostly is your assertion that she is somehow a lesser or bad human being, then punishing her further by expecting that she prostrate herself and ask your forgiveness, or your family's forgiveness. I am not calling you or your parents bad people, and I definitely am not trying to cause you more distress.

 

People who live differently than we do, often still find happiness and fulfillment, understanding, and even common ground and healthy wisdom in their lives. On some level your own parents are fine examples of this, and you love them for it. They have made an amazing family as a result of their journey. And they tried to share this with a woman you loved and it didn't completely work. That doesn't make them saints or her a monster. My saying so doesn't diminish their love or good effort, or excuse her disruptive behavior.

 

What I am trying to impart to you is to either stay away from her, or else to see her more compassionately. There has been enough fighting. It's time to rest, and eventually, maybe someone makes apologies and amends. But that isn't for now. Sometimes it takes decades before these things come.

 

I get that you're hurting and angry at my words. I want you to understand that what I say is not meant to cause you more pain. This situation sounds stressful for all parties -- even her own parents -- and I felt and feel it's important to acknowledge that for her especially, with a difficult original family environment, it was likely more traumatic than you might expect.

 

Disregard if it does not suit you.

Now that you put it that way I am in agreement with what you are trying to say.

 

Other people on here have been saying "Your parents are monsters!", "They are controlling pieces of crap!", "You threw her under the bus and you all should be ashamed!" and your original speech felt extremely condescending and rudely worded. You imiediately started blasting and shaming my family kinda like how you said I was doing the same to her. I just couldn't take the bad mouthing of my parents and my family any further and I will not apologize for it.

 

I will apologize if I hurt your feelings with my reply.

 

I know all stories aren't black and white and that she is not a villian. I am merely sying that I feel she owes my family and my parents an apology for HER part in all this and an expression of gratitude for all that they did for HER for those 4 1/2 years (One bad incident doesn't negate all the good they did for her.).

 

I also do feel she is broken. Not in that she is lesser than me but that she has severe psychological issues that will really hurt her in the future.

 

I mean didn't you read my forgiveness letter?

 

It states how I forgive her for what she has done. But that she has issues and because I care about her and pity her situation I want her to fix herself and her issues so that she has a much better chance at a long, happy, fulfilling life.

 

Now does that sound like I think she is a villian? My feelings aren't black and white, I loved her and I hate her, I think she is beautiful and tragic, I think she is a monster and I think she is a good person

 

People can feel multiple ways about one person and I multiple ways about her.