How to overcome anger in relationships?

[Pikes]

Hi everyone. I have a terrible problem where I lose my anger very easily and say rude things towards my loved ones even though I don't actually mean it. I have been in 2 relationships in my life and both of them ended because I had a huge temper and I would always lash out/insult my partner whenever we get into an argument.

 

During my most recent relationship (I'm 23 and she's 24), the girl broke up with me because I said all types of mean things to her during a big argument. The argument happened on the same day where she just got discharged from the hospital after being treated with a kidney infection. We dated for 2 months prior to breaking up.

 

We were broken up for a month, but she gave me another chance when she admitted that she still loves me. At that point, we got back together again but it only lasted two weeks. Her dad was against the relationship and forced her to cut ties with me, so she informed me of what happened and told me she had to break up with me. I lashed out again because I was angry that she broke up with me just because of her dad. The thing is, she still loved me even though she broke up with me, but I realized that way too late. I told her that any other girl would be better than her and that I would kill myself if I ever married her (that hurt her A LOT). When we don't fight, it felt like heaven, but misunderstandings and arguments will cause me to say lots of mean things.

 

I hate myself for being like this. I felt like many of the problems in my relationship could have been solved if I had just reacted in a calm and cool way rather than throwing a temper. I have realized this and I made it a goal of mine to be more cool in tense situations. I get into arguments with my parents a lot too and I sometimes use hurtful language towards them. I feel so bad.

 

There were times in the relationship where she really did annoy me and make me angry, however I always acted out on my emotions and pretended that I didn't care about her anymore. My main issue is that I say all these angry things and lash out, but I actually love her deep down inside. I know it sounds weird.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you solve this big problem? How do you keep your cool during tense arguments while your emotions are running high? I honestly feel like the most terrible person alive.

[LaHermes]

You need professional help, Pike.

 

"because I had a huge temper and I would always lash out/insult my partner whenever we get into an argument."

 

Anger management springs to mind. And what you are doing is called verbal abuse.

[Starlight925]

Years ago, I had an relationship with someone I was crazy about. I was sooooo in love. We got engaged, and it was magical. We moved in together, and I left, 2 months after I moved. Why? Because he had these crazy anger issues. We'd get into a small disagreement, and pretty soon, he was exploding in anger, saying the cruelest things to me. My feelings went from amazingly in love to detesting him, in a matter of weeks. It's been over 10 years, and I literally feel nothing when I think of him.

 

As LaHermes said, you need professional help to figure out the root cause of your anger. Whether it's something from childhood, or wherever, this will follow you, and haunt you, for the rest of your life, if you do not get it under control now. You are young enough to stop it in its tracks, if you take care of it. Otherwise, you will push everyone away, and like the guy in my story, you will be alone at 50, with no girlfriend, no friends, and a meager job. Please don't let that be you.

[Batya33]

Also evaluate your diet, exercise, sleep - those can aggravate the issue (meaning not enough exercise or sleep).

[Pikes]

Years ago, I had an relationship with someone I was crazy about. I was sooooo in love. We got engaged, and it was magical. We moved in together, and I left, 2 months after I moved. Why? Because he had these crazy anger issues. We'd get into a small disagreement, and pretty soon, he was exploding in anger, saying the cruelest things to me. My feelings went from amazingly in love to detesting him, in a matter of weeks. It's been over 10 years, and I literally feel nothing when I think of him.

 

As LaHermes said, you need professional help to figure out the root cause of your anger. Whether it's something from childhood, or wherever, this will follow you, and haunt you, for the rest of your life, if you do not get it under control now. You are young enough to stop it in its tracks, if you take care of it. Otherwise, you will push everyone away, and like the guy in my story, you will be alone at 50, with no girlfriend, no friends, and a meager job. Please don't let that be you.

 

This was really eye opening. The thing is, I just get really irritated at the smallest things. I have been working on myself the past few months and I learned to keep a cool head when I'm in tough situations with people. Like I said in my post, my ex has done things that made my anger justifiable, however the way I reacted in my anger was NOT justified. I am still grieving over the loss of my breakup, while my ex has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me. I just feel like the world is so bleak. I can't even meet other women because whenever I do, I will think of my ex.

[nutbrownhare]

Well done you for recognising that it's your problem, and that it's not the other person's fault. While what you describe is verbal abuse, a typical abuser will claim they are innocent and blame it all on the victim. So it's very good for your future development that you've recognised that the anger resides within YOU.

 

Anger management would help, but you might consider the following. In some families, emotions like fear and sorrow aren't tolerated - kids will be shouted at for crying, or ridiculed when they feel scared; this is especially true for boys. So what happens in later life is that the boy may be scared, can't afford to let himself feel it because of the early training, and it comes out as anger. Maybe you actually should have felt sad, and a sense of loss, when your girlfriend refused to see you again because of her dad - but it came out as anger.

 

So what MAY be effective is to have some kind of therapy whereby you can get in touch with your true feelings, and your underlying vulnerability, and won't need to protect yourself with an explosive temper.

 

Good luck with all this!

[Pikes]

Well done you for recognising that it's your problem, and that it's not the other person's fault. While what you describe is verbal abuse, a typical abuser will claim they are innocent and blame it all on the victim. So it's very good for your future development that you've recognised that the anger resides within YOU.

 

Anger management would help, but you might consider the following. In some families, emotions like fear and sorrow aren't tolerated - kids will be shouted at for crying, or ridiculed when they feel scared; this is especially true for boys. So what happens in later life is that the boy may be scared, can't afford to let himself feel it because of the early training, and it comes out as anger. Maybe you actually should have felt sad, and a sense of loss, when your girlfriend refused to see you again because of her dad - but it came out as anger.

 

So what MAY be effective is to have some kind of therapy whereby you can get in touch with your true feelings, and your underlying vulnerability, and won't need to protect yourself with an explosive temper.

 

Good luck with all this!

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I have spent lots of time alone and I pondered over how my actions can affect other people. I realized that it's important to look at things from other people's perspective. I'm not sure if this issue is so bad that I would need therapy, but thanks for the suggestion. As I mentioned in my post, I have this issue with my parents as well where I would say really hurtful things to them whenever they make me upset, but I don't mean what I say. Also, my parents don't have the best relationship either - my dad has said tons of hurtful things to my mom in the past but my mom always puts up with it.

[Pikes]

Years ago, I had an relationship with someone I was crazy about. I was sooooo in love. We got engaged, and it was magical. We moved in together, and I left, 2 months after I moved. Why? Because he had these crazy anger issues. We'd get into a small disagreement, and pretty soon, he was exploding in anger, saying the cruelest things to me. My feelings went from amazingly in love to detesting him, in a matter of weeks. It's been over 10 years, and I literally feel nothing when I think of him.

 

As LaHermes said, you need professional help to figure out the root cause of your anger. Whether it's something from childhood, or wherever, this will follow you, and haunt you, for the rest of your life, if you do not get it under control now. You are young enough to stop it in its tracks, if you take care of it. Otherwise, you will push everyone away, and like the guy in my story, you will be alone at 50, with no girlfriend, no friends, and a meager job. Please don't let that be you.

 

I would like to ask you a question. If your ex sent you a heartfelt message expressing his sorrow for what he has done, would you reply to him? If you truly feel that he has changed, would you be willing to talk to him?

[RainyCoast]

she has made your anger justifiable?

 

and your parents did too?

 

how so, or what was they've done- factually, and how did it feel to you?

[nutbrownhare]

I would like to ask you a question. If your ex sent you a heartfelt message expressing his sorrow for what he has done, would you reply to him? If you truly feel that he has changed, would you be willing to talk to him?

 

No - to the would I reply. And I wouldn't believe he had truly changed unless he'd engaged with some kind of therapy or anger management program. Repeatedly apologising without taking any positive action to change is a game.

[Starlight925]

I would like to ask you a question. If your ex sent you a heartfelt message expressing his sorrow for what he has done, would you reply to him? If you truly feel that he has changed, would you be willing to talk to him?

 

I hate to give you this answer, but the truth is, he reached out to me several times, very heartfelt, crying. I had just lost the feelings that I had had for him.

 

This is why I think that counseling is so important for you, to figure out the why, and not let this be a repeating pattern. If you do this, you will be able to have a great relationship....with someone else.

[Unreasonable]

Anger management therapy. It's normal to get angry, but the way you are expressing it is crossing lines you cannot cross in relationships, ever. You can "not mean" it all you want, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen, and will not inflict permanent damage. If you don't solve this now, all future relationships are going to go down in flames, unless you run into some unfortunate soul with a doormat personality.

[Pikes]

I hate to give you this answer, but the truth is, he reached out to me several times, very heartfelt, crying. I had just lost the feelings that I had had for him.

 

This is why I think that counseling is so important for you, to figure out the why, and not let this be a repeating pattern. If you do this, you will be able to have a great relationship....with someone else.

 

Was he your first love? The girl that I am referring to in my post is my second love, but I'm her first. We broke up in November 2016, but then hooked back up in early January 2017. Also broke up in late-January. Since then, her feelings would be on and off. I had the feeling that she might be with a new guy because I saw her post stuff on Facebook and tag his name with a heart beside it. I foolishly decided to message the new guy on a fake account to inquire about it, and he said that they're just friends, though maybe he could be lying. How much time has passed until he finally decided to reach out to you? In my case, it's only been a couple months since we last had any contact.

[MissCanuck]

My ex was also a verbal abuser. You need to recognize that's what you're doing. Creating a fake FB profile to message a man you've never met to question him about your ex indicates you also have a serious lack of appropriate boundaries. That is plain creepy.

 

Now, it's good you recognize that you have a problem. And yes, it is serious enough to warrant professional help. If you don't, this pattern will more than likely repeat itself in the future because you haven't acquired a strong set of coping skills to diffuse your anger.

 

I can tell that I was in love with my ex at one point. But his angry side killed all attraction I had, and I didn't want to be around him anymore. The thought of him trying to hug or kiss me turned me right off, and I was very hurt by the verbal rage he spewed at me. I finally broke it off and never looked back, but it has taken me a long time to heal from it - not the break-up, but the verbal abuse. Words cut deeply and we don't forget.

 

Let your ex go. Work on yourself by enlisting a professional. You will need to, if you want to someday have a healthy and non-turbulent relationship.

[Pikes]

My ex was also a verbal abuser. You need to recognize that's what you're doing. Creating a fake FB profile to message a man you've never met to question him about your ex indicates you also have a serious lack of appropriate boundaries. That is plain creepy.

 

Now, it's good you recognize that you have a problem. And yes, it is serious enough to warrant professional help. If you don't, this pattern will more than likely repeat itself in the future because you haven't acquired a strong set of coping skills to diffuse your anger.

 

I can tell that I was in love with my ex at one point. But his angry side killed all attraction I had, and I didn't want to be around him anymore. The thought of him trying to hug or kiss me turned me right off, and I was very hurt by the verbal rage he spewed at me. I finally broke it off and never looked back, but it has taken me a long time to heal from it - not the break-up, but the verbal abuse. Words cut deeply and we don't forget.

 

Let your ex go. Work on yourself by enlisting a professional. You will need to, if you want to someday have a healthy and non-turbulent relationship.

 

Wow, your comment speaks volumes. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was a verbal abuser. I would say hurtful things when I'm upset, but I wouldn't swear at her. All of this "verbal abuse" occurred through social media chats. Whenever we met up in real life, we hardly got into arguments and we always got along in person. But when we chat on social media, sometimes we will get into misunderstandings, which will eventually cause me to get angry. Like I said though, real life was a completely different story. Did your ex ever come back to you to apologize?

[boltnrun]

Just because you didn't use curse words doesn't mean you didn't abuse her.

[Batya33]

Wow, your comment speaks volumes. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was a verbal abuser. I would say hurtful things when I'm upset, but I wouldn't swear at her. All of this "verbal abuse" occurred through social media chats. Whenever we met up in real life, we hardly got into arguments and we always got along in person. But when we chat on social media, sometimes we will get into misunderstandings, which will eventually cause me to get angry. Like I said though, real life was a completely different story. Did your ex ever come back to you to apologize?

 

I agree that it doesn't need to involve cursing or in person either. Obviously in person also can include threatening/abusive body language but just google harassment on social media and you'll see it's not limited to in person. It's concerning that you weren't able to control your desire to type abusive/harassing language because it's much easier to walk away from a device than a person.

[Jibralta]

All of this "verbal abuse" occurred through social media chats. Whenever we met up in real life, we hardly got into arguments and we always got along in person. But when we chat on social media, sometimes we will get into misunderstandings, which will eventually cause me to get angry. Like I said though, real life was a completely different story.

 

Social media is part of real life. What you say in text form cuts as deep as verbal. Saying mean things to someone hurts them, whether you curse or not.

[MissCanuck]

Wow, your comment speaks volumes. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was a verbal abuser. I would say hurtful things when I'm upset, but I wouldn't swear at her. All of this "verbal abuse" occurred through social media chats. Whenever we met up in real life, we hardly got into arguments and we always got along in person. But when we chat on social media, sometimes we will get into misunderstandings, which will eventually cause me to get angry. Like I said though, real life was a completely different story. Did your ex ever come back to you to apologize?

 

Verbal abuse takes many forms, OP. You don't need to utter an actual swear word to verbally abuse someone.

 

My ex did it through social media, too. It doesn't make a difference; it still hurts like hell. I'm not sure why you feel the medium somehow changes that. It doesn't, and we don't forget especially when it's in writing and there for us to actually see.

 

Yes, my ex did come back and apologize. I was not interested.

[mgyzrkny]

Sending a heartfelt message or not, her accepting that or not is not the point. Even if you get back together you'll do it again. Sorry.

 

On a more positive note - there's a way out!

You sound just like me. I am not out of the woods either - just a precaution - but I seeked professional help, and here's what I got -

 

You are probably always a bit frustrated. About something. People's looks might bother you for no apparent reason sometimes. You get overworked about tiny things that seem ridiculous afterwards.

This makes your anger-management batteries depleted, and you don't have the juice for things that actually matter.

But why?

 

You have to find out why you are unhappy. You wrote that relationship with your parents is not ideal - this could be a source. One source.

You can either do this exercise yourself, or actually talk to someone who can lead you on the way.

There's a difference between psychology and psychiatry, don't wait until you need the latter.

 

One thing I did while I was on my own - I had to think about the mess I make while being angry. The cleanup that's coming after. That made me suppress anger in some situations, and I did come out of the arguments in a better way. However, suppressing anger does not help on the long run. You have to be clear with yourself about what you suppress - something that's unfounded, or something that actually bothers you often, and very much.

[Pikes]

I agree that it doesn't need to involve cursing or in person either. Obviously in person also can include threatening/abusive body language but just google harassment on social media and you'll see it's not limited to in person. It's concerning that you weren't able to control your desire to type abusive/harassing language because it's much easier to walk away from a device than a person.

 

 

It's just that... in person, everything would be so perfect. We would laugh, get along really well, and always have a good time. I just find it so tragic that all the hurtful things were said online, and never in person. There was clearly a communication issue, but by the time we realized it, the damage was already done from all the hurtful words. I identified that there were communication problems and wanted to start fixing it. She would agree with me, and then change her mind after a few days by claiming that my words hurt her too much for her to want to try and fix anything.

[Pikes]

Verbal abuse takes many forms, OP. You don't need to utter an actual swear word to verbally abuse someone.

 

My ex did it through social media, too. It doesn't make a difference; it still hurts like hell. I'm not sure why you feel the medium somehow changes that. It doesn't, and we don't forget especially when it's in writing and there for us to actually see.

 

Yes, my ex did come back and apologize. I was not interested.

 

Spending time with her in real life was always full of happiness, though. No arguments whatsoever. By the time I realized that we should fix the communication problems, the damage was already done and her feelings for me were up and down. Sometimes she'd be willing to fix things, and then she will suddenly change her mind by claiming that I hurt her too much. The main thing is that at least we identified where we went wrong. I just don't understand why we couldn't try again especially since I know for sure what I did wrong and I made steps to ensure that I changed.

[Pikes]

Sending a heartfelt message or not, her accepting that or not is not the point. Even if you get back together you'll do it again. Sorry.

 

On a more positive note - there's a way out!

You sound just like me. I am not out of the woods either - just a precaution - but I seeked professional help, and here's what I got -

 

You are probably always a bit frustrated. About something. People's looks might bother you for no apparent reason sometimes. You get overworked about tiny things that seem ridiculous afterwards.

This makes your anger-management batteries depleted, and you don't have the juice for things that actually matter.

But why?

 

You have to find out why you are unhappy. You wrote that relationship with your parents is not ideal - this could be a source. One source.

You can either do this exercise yourself, or actually talk to someone who can lead you on the way.

There's a difference between psychology and psychiatry, don't wait until you need the latter.

 

One thing I did while I was on my own - I had to think about the mess I make while being angry. The cleanup that's coming after. That made me suppress anger in some situations, and I did come out of the arguments in a better way. However, suppressing anger does not help on the long run. You have to be clear with yourself about what you suppress - something that's unfounded, or something that actually bothers you often, and very much.

 

I disagree with what you said about me repeating my behavior again if I got back together with my ex. See, the past several weeks I have spent a lot of time pondering over my mistakes and thinking about an alternative way I could have reacted rather than lashing out in anger. I firmly believe that I realized where I went wrong, and since then, I was put in many tough situations with my parents where I would keep my cool. I used to lash out at my parents so much in the past, but now I learned to remain calm and deal with the issues at hand without insulting other people.

 

I do agree, however, that suppressing the anger does not help that much. Anger is a normal emotion. I think we can show our anger to our partner, but in a respectful way that doesn't involve hurting them. My ex was angry with me so many times because of my smoking addiction, however her anger was the "love anger" type. She never insulted me.

[mgyzrkny]

I disagree with what you said about me repeating my behavior again if I got back together with my ex.

 

How long do you actually plan being together with her? I'm guessing lifelong - which is (hopefully) quite a long time for not making a similar mistake again.

You also wrote that you being angry is your bad habit. Habits die hard.

 

Speaking from experience - it is indeed the way you wrote, when you think about things, try to make a difference, it works. At the beginning at least.

For me, things tend to fade after a while, especially when all goes well, I let my guard down (guard against bad behaviour), and bad things happen, again.

 

I'm just saying, you have a reason for being angry, one that you might not be aware of. Finding that really pays off, even more compared to a strategy where you try to fight it from the surface.

[Pikes]

How long do you actually plan being together with her? I'm guessing lifelong - which is (hopefully) quite a long time for not making a similar mistake again.

You also wrote that you being angry is your bad habit. Habits die hard.

 

Speaking from experience - it is indeed the way you wrote, when you think about things, try to make a difference, it works. At the beginning at least.

For me, things tend to fade after a while, especially when all goes well, I let my guard down (guard against bad behaviour), and bad things happen, again.

 

I'm just saying, you have a reason for being angry, one that you might not be aware of. Finding that really pays off, even more compared to a strategy where you try to fight it from the surface.

 

My reasons for being angry was because she would do stuff that just really annoyed me or angered me. For example, one time she posted a picture of us on Facebook and then deleting it the very next day. I asked her why and her reason was that she doesn't want to let the public know that we're together, even though most people already knew to begin with. Meanwhile, she doesn't mind keeping pictures of her and her guy friend. So this really bothered me, and I lashed out in anger. I didn't really "insult" her, but I said mean stuff like "Get the hell out of my way" and "You are not a priority to me anymore". I think any guy in my position would have felt annoyed by this, right? What would have been a better way to react to this?

 

There were other times where she angered me as well, but this is just one example.