online Dating x Virtual social phobia

[mmendes]

So, after a while being single, healing from previous relashionship and stuff, I decided I want a boyfriend. I'm not the kind of person who likes to sit and wait for Mr. Right to show up (I don't believe in "sitting and waiting" at all, actually), so I made an account on a dating app. I could try to find someone in the real world,(and I do) but when you do that you just have no clue on weather the person is interested in you, if he wants the same thing as you, etc... What I mean is that it 'd a much longer and more complicated process and that's why I decided to go online.

 

Now, let's go to the problem. I have some sort of "virtual social phobia". I can't stand to text for more than few minutes a day on whats app, I can't stand to be available for long for virtual conversations. It's not just that I don't like it, I actually get physical symptons of anxiety when I do these things. It's not technophobia, since I am very much okay with spending lots of time online, given that it is time spent with myself (researching, watching videos, working...). It's not also shyness: I'm kind of outgoing and willing to have face to face conversations (I actually ask my 'crushs" out quite soon, because otterwise I won't be able to get to know them). But this phobia IS getting in my way and wish I could get rid of it. I hate whatsapp, I hate how it makes me feel like I have no alone time (at any given hour, someone can reach me). There are days in which I can't even touch my cellphone, and sometimes it gets in the way not only of dating, but of keeping in contact with my family, friends and professional coleagues. I just wish people would still use a "slower" mean of comunication, like email, but since I can't change the world, I have to somehow change myself.

 

Does anyone have an advice?

 

Edit: I'm also quite young to have such problem: 22 years old and no one in my generation is like this.

[j.man]

Do you have a meet-up-for-an-actual-date phobia, too?

 

I mean granted I don't get anxiety from it, but texting more than about 10 total characters in a day does annoy the **** out of me, so I don't do it. If you want to tackle your phobia simply because it's a phobia, more power to you. But you can have a perfectly healthy dating life without whatsapping all the time. In fact, you'll probably increase your chances of a fun and healthy dating experience because you're off it.

[mmendes]

No, I'm not anxious to meet someone face to face, even if you know each other from the internet. Thanks man, it's nice to know I'm not the only one annoyed from texting

[saluk]

The dating apps I use typically involve sending a few messages back and forth and then coordinating a meet. You can self-select for people who you don't have to be on whatsapp for. You're in charge of the process, don't let the process control you.

 

I don't have quite the same phobia you do (I'm more uncomfortable in person) but I don't have whatsapp, few friends text me, I have twitter but I dip in and out and don't have it open all the time, and I have a similar usage pattern for facebook of indirectly reading peoples walls and commenting on things rather than messaging all the time. If I didn't use slack to communicate with a few groups I'm a part of, and at work, I wouldn't be doing realtime communication at all. (Most of those are scheduled meetings) I think people should not be available at all times.

 

I guarantee you aren't the only one in your generation to have this problem. I grew up with telephones, and talking on the phone gives me panic attacks. So you grew up with online chat. Doesn't mean you are going to be 100% OK with it I've seen many of my friends in your age group do things like disable their facebook for a month, or stop responding to everyone for a week or two.

 

One thing you might try - without telling anyone, institute a ritual. Here are the times of the day I will look and respond to the messages. Here are the times of the day where there is a virtual do not disturb sign hung on my door. That way you are in control. You can put your phone in airplane mode or something. See if it makes you feel more in control, while still keeping in touch with everyone you want to keep in touch with.

[DancingFool]

I don't have a phobia, but I don't have any patience for texting either. Prefer to talk and interact with people face to face. My texting of any kind is limited to where and when to meet and that's about it. So I'll just echo what's already been said. You are not alone in preferring different means of communication and part of dating and a very very big part of relationships is communication compatibility. If you don't like texting and being tied to your phone like it's a leash, you are far from being alone. Just need to stick with people who are more like yourself.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't try to analyze this into something 'wrong.' You don't like the digital stuff, and I'm with you on that. So skip it and cut to the 'quick meet'. Use the app to screen for guys you'd like to meet, then set up a quick coffee meets to check one another out, 15 to 20 minutes max. Rules are that neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if it's no, then no response is necessary. This takes the squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

You don't need to play e-games in order to meet someone. Just schedule the coffee, and show up. If the guy flakes, you've invested nothing and can take the coffee with you. If the guy shows, and he's a dud, then skip disappointment by considering that most people are NOT our match and just roll with it. Keep meeting guys until you stumble on the needle in the haystack of good simpatico that's mutual.

 

Dating is the Mount Everest of social interaction. It can be exhausting, so take breaks and cycle back in when you feel like it.

 

Head high.