Ex-GF of 7 years - her friend just committed suicide

[mbs2002]

New to the forum...

 

My ex of 7.5 years broke up with me 2 months ago. The relationship was always turbulent... she never really settled, struggled a lot with commitment after being hurt by her ex-fiance before we met. She would constantly question us... one month she was head over heels, the next week she would be doubting us.

 

Anyway, it ended. It's been a really hard two months. I struggle with anxiety and depression but have been clear of treatment throughout our relationship (I think partly because she also does, and helping her focused my mind). It's been a long, slow road but I was starting to feel a little more hopeful for the future. She has messaged me a number of times over the months, sorting out admin etc as we lived together and had lots to sort. I managed to keep things very 'business like' and polite, and never once discussed the past relationship.

 

I moved into a new place this Saturday after living with a friend and his wife for two months. I found it really really hard. Moving somewhere new without her, in a new city, with no friends. I instantly felt hopeless, isolated and exposed. When I am suffering from anxiety and depression, I need familiarity, comfort and safety. So this was the opposite. So yeah... I was suffering.

 

But then! I was returning the van I had borrowed to move house, and I got a call from the ex out of the blue. She was in pieces. She had arranged to meet a friend on Friday night but had to cancel and re-arrange for 7.30pm Saturday. They didn't show. She got a call the next day to say that at 7.30pm he took himself into the woods and hung himself.

 

As you can imagine... she was distraught. As much as I was trying to look forwards and move on, when someone that you love is going through that, the person that has been your best friend and life for 7.5 years, you're there. At least that's my opinion, right or wrong. I turned the van around, collected her from work straight away, and spent the rest of the day talking to her and consoling her.

 

I fought incredibly hard to not say anything about our relationship. She tried a couple of times but I steered the conversation away as it was not the time or place for that discussion. I left hers that evening, she was texting me all of the next day, just looking for support, and expressing her gratitude that I had put myself on the line to support her.

 

It's now three days since she found out. I had a few messages off her yesterday, but not a great deal.

 

As you can imagine, this has re-opened every wound for me. It took every bit of strength I had to say nothing and ask nothing about our relationship. But now... I feel broken. Heartbroken for 'us' again, heartbroken for her and what she is now going through, and heartbroken for myself that I can't be there giving her the love and support my heart wants to. I am at the lowest of my low. I am back staying at my friends house, terrified to return to the house I moved into over the weekend. I am surrounded by fear and that dark cloud. I am fighting every single second with the 'hope' that has returned to my head and heart... hope that we'll get back together. Hope that we can work things out. I don't want that hope... it is the hope that kills me.

 

I know I now need to step back again from the ex and let her know I need to put space back between us. But I can't say goodbye again. I feel like I have nothing left. I have no more strength.

 

Just looking for some kindness and support from you guys

[Tombo7891]

Even though you didn't have to do that it shows your true character. How long were you two together for?

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do to help yourself heal. Two months isn't a lot of time at all, and it sounds like she is still using you as a crutch, which although she is going through a tough time isn't fair to you at all. It took me almost 6 months to finally totally stop contact with my ex. Which has really set me back in the healing process.

Continue surrounding yourself with friends and family. Just as your ex is emotionally going through a tough time so are you. Stay strong there's a girl out there that's going to appreciate your kindness.

[Keyman]

Dude, yes it was hard to take that step back again, but you did the right thing. The death of a friend is bigger than a break up and she needed you as a support person and you were there. Yes, it has caused you to take steps back in your healing, but not because you lost strength and fell off the wagon, but because you are a good person, kind and loving.

 

But now, you need to pick youself up again and move forward. The break up was the right thing and you must be strong again.

 

We are here, let us know how it goes.

[mbs2002]

Thanks for your replies @Tombo and @Keyman.

 

We were together 7.5 years. I do, I know I need to pull back again and get space in my own life. But i'm terrified, I feel like I already used all of my strength the last two months. 'Helpless' and 'Hopeless' would be describe how I feel right now

[mbs2002]

Thanks for your replies @Tombo and @Keyman, and your really kind words.

 

We were together for 7.5 years. I do know what I need to do, the only thing I can do, pull back again. But i'm so scared guys, I feel like I used all of my strength to get through the past two months, yet i'm right back at square one again.

[Keyman]

All I can say, man, is that it will get better, but 7.5 years is a long time to get over and it will take time. Most of us has been through this and that is why it brought us here. Enotalone is a great support network and there is always someone about to give advice and support.

 

Do know that what you're feeling is normal, I call it the depression stage of the break up. The 4 stages I use are: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Depression 4) Acceptance. Stages 2 and 3 can flow in and out of each other.

 

Just stick with it bruv and while it feels hopeless, you hve more strength inside than you lead yourself to believe. Push on. Know you are a good person and deserve the best. We are here for you.

[LonelyJedi]

Thanks for your replies @Tombo and @Keyman, and your really kind words.

 

We were together for 7.5 years. I do know what I need to do, the only thing I can do, pull back again. But i'm so scared guys, I feel like I used all of my strength to get through the past two months, yet i'm right back at square one again.

 

You reclaimed your strength before, you can do it again. I know you can. It will take time, but you will get it back. Just like how I am starting to get my strength back.

I know how you feel. My relationship wasn't quite as long as yours, but I still feel your pain.

 

You can do this.

[mbs2002]

Thanks again you guys. It's great to be able to get support through somewhere like this.

 

I completely recognise those stages. However, I feel i'm right back at the first stage. As horrible as it is considering the circumstances that have brought us back into contact, but it's reignited 'hope' in me that we'll get back together. Which I guess is a form of denial. I had accepted it's over, but now my heart seems to think we could be back together. And my head is trying to fight against that to rationalise that we're not.

 

Doesn't help when she messages things like "I think you should give yourself some credit for dealing with everything you've been and are going through too. You're so strong and beautiful"

 

I feel I need to put the distance back into the situation. She didn't contact me at all yesterday... so I woke up this morning, deleted her number again, and figured 'hey, she didn't get in touch, so she is probably ok and I can leave her to fall back on her other support networks now." Half and hour later... she texts telling me how low she is and looking for support. Don't know how to work this so that she is ok, but also that I am ok. So that I get space back, without hurting her by leaving her to it at what is a horrendous time for her.