Trying to push through all this

[Fracturedheart]

Hi,

 

I feel like I've been going through hell over the past year and I feel like people just don't know how bad it is.

 

I'm finding it harder and harder to see how I am ever going to move past this and recover.

 

I've come to the realization that the woman I loved didn't care about me one bit. Her actions spoke and made it clear I meant nothing to her. Not sure if I'll ever be able to trust another person again.

 

How do I push through all this when I've lost all hope for everything? Will things get better?

 

Any advice will be helpful

[WombatShadow]

I know this feels incredibly isolating for you, but take heart in the fact that heartbreak isn't unique to you. We've all suffered it, and it takes varying amounts of time to recover from.

 

I also know that you're making a choice to linger in the "victim" role by keeping tabs on your ex and running through the whole situation over and over in your head, not to mention posting about it repeatedly on here. Posting can be helpful to a certain point, but eventually it takes more introspection and action than posting causes. It's hard to climb out of it, but you just need to force your mind off your ex. Every time you start thinking of her, force your mind onto something else. What you're cooking, the different routes you could take to get home. Here's what I've been doing recently: I'm a hobbyist writer, and I also have a commute that lasts 30-40 minutes depending on traffic (not to mention the ~45 minutes it takes each way to visit my folks). When I'm driving around, I literally "talk" my stories to life out loud. It distracts my thoughts from my ex or anything else stressful and lets me fix any plot points before I get them on "paper" (aka my computer). I know that long driving times are a major problem point for me (I used to commute down to my ex's for ~2 hours and long silences remind me of those times), and so I make absolutely sure I have something to distract my thoughts before I get into those silent situations.

 

Look, it's been over a year and you don't seem to making any progress. Hopefully the "closure" you got yesterday will kickstart things into gear, but you might need to talk to a doctor or therapist about why you are so obsessed over this. It could be a manifestation of depression or anxiety or some other condition that needs chemical treatment. This is starting to get dangerous for you.

[melancholy123]

If you really cant move on, please consider some counselling to help you with this. You dont need to spend your life feeling so messed up.

[Dominique]

Counseling can help. Try. Even it's it's one or two sessions. It may be the breakthrough you need.

[LaHermes]

FH. It is a healthy sign that you came to that realisation.

 

"I've come to the realization that the woman I loved didn't care about me one bit."

 

But, just because of one bad experience you are now saying you can never trust again? Of course you can trust again, but always ensure at the outset that the next person is worthy of your trust.

[LonelyJedi]

I would also consider counseling. I was in a downward spiral a week after my ex left.

 

My therapist examined my situation and provided me with an objective perspective on my ex's behaviors, as well as giving me coping mechanisms.

Believe me, I know how you feel. When we are in this vulnerable, fragile emotional state... we lack the ability to think clearly. Posting to this forum, talking with friends/family and especially a therapist is CRITICAL.

 

Take a look at some of my recently threads and you'll hear my terrible tale.

 

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.

[shessofly]

Hi,

 

I feel like I've been going through hell over the past year and I feel like people just don't know how bad it is.

 

I'm finding it harder and harder to see how I am ever going to move past this and recover.

 

I've come to the realization that the woman I loved didn't care about me one bit. Her actions spoke and made it clear I meant nothing to her. Not sure if I'll ever be able to trust another person again.

 

How do I push through all this when I've lost all hope for everything? Will things get better?

 

Any advice will be helpful

 

Similar advice has been given on pretty much every thread you have posted, including the one last night. It sounds like you have gotten stuck in a loop of really negative thinking and need more assistance than this board can offer. Again, suggest seeing a therapist (as has been suggested again). You will need to learn to manage your thoughts and get past this self loathing mindset that is indicated in some of your previous threads. Sorry, but better times will not just fall on you. You are going to have to put in work if you want to feel better. What are you willing to do to get past this?

[Fracturedheart]

Thanks for the advice to everyone who commented

[Dominique]

Once I had a very bad break. With someone I gave a million chances to. He and I were together four years and out of the blue he just broke up with me. I moved away, started a new job (which I ultimately lost because I was too depressed to go to work), I worked out and ate well and tried to get over it for 6 months. I couldn't.

I finally went to therapy .... My reason ? I thought I was crazy that I couldn't get over it. I cried every day and laid in bed and didn't go to work. I couldn't pay my bills. It was bad.

Eventually I couldn't pay the therapist either.

 

It took ALMOST two years. the only thing that healed me was time passing and confronting the fact that I wasn't coping and wasn't healing by going to therapy.

 

I had given four years to someone who cheated on me repeatedly and then out of the blue decided "it wasn't the same anymore". So not only was I heartbroken but I was betrayed.

 

Sometimes the timeline is longer than what people think it should be. This is your journey. Some emotions leave marks and take longer to exit our hearts than we want them to. Sometimes you hit bottom before you start to go up. Sometimes you destroy everything before you can start over.

 

Oh and by the way ....that same guy ... Several years later... The one I cried and cried over? He slept with my former best friend, while she was married and wrecked their marriage. He was an awful person and I'm so glad we didn't stay together.

 

Time has a way of revealing.

 

Sending you light.

[Fracturedheart]

Once I had a very bad break. With someone I gave a million chances to. He and I were together four years and out of the blue he just broke up with me. I moved away, started a new job (which I ultimately lost because I was too depressed to go to work), I worked out and ate well and tried to get over it for 6 months. I couldn't.

I finally went to therapy .... My reason ? I thought I was crazy that I couldn't get over it. I cried every day and laid in bed and didn't go to work. I couldn't pay my bills. It was bad.

Eventually I couldn't pay the therapist either.

 

It took ALMOST two years. the only thing that healed me was time passing and confronting the fact that I wasn't coping and wasn't healing by going to therapy.

 

I had given four years to someone who cheated on me repeatedly and then out of the blue decided "it wasn't the same anymore". So not only was I heartbroken but I was betrayed.

 

Sometimes the timeline is longer than what people think it should be. This is your journey. Some emotions leave marks and take longer to exit our hearts than we want them to. Sometimes you hit bottom before you start to go up. Sometimes you destroy everything before you can start over.

 

Oh and by the way ....that same guy ... Several years later... The one I cried and cried over? He slept with my former best friend, while she was married and wrecked their marriage. He was an awful person and I'm so glad we didn't stay together.

 

Time has a way of revealing.

 

Sending you light.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. That's awful. It blows me away that people can treat other people they "love" or "care" about like that.

 

I can 100% relate to your post. I too am finding this is affecting my job performance, I've lost all interest in everything. I don't even enjoy going out with my friends or doing things. I'm in my bed all day.

 

I feel like this has wrecked me in a way that I don't even recognize the person I am right now.

 

I was so hurt when I found out she is moving to a new country to be with a guy. I sent her an email telling her that she was a selfish person for stringing me a long and treating me so cold the way she did.

 

She hasn't replied so I guess she could care less about what I'm going through.

 

Thanks again for the story and advice Dominique

[Dominique]

I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only person who ever went through a breakup that caused you to also break apart. I hope that you find a way out without destroying everything like I did. She's not worth it.

 

((;Hugs)))

[Annia]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. That's awful. It blows me away that people can treat other people they "love" or "care" about like that.

 

I can 100% relate to your post. I too am finding this is affecting my job performance, I've lost all interest in everything. I don't even enjoy going out with my friends or doing things. I'm in my bed all day.

 

I feel like this has wrecked me in a way that I don't even recognize the person I am right now.

 

I was so hurt when I found out she is moving to a new country to be with a guy. I sent her an email telling her that she was a selfish person for stringing me a long and treating me so cold the way she did.

 

She hasn't replied so I guess she could care less about what I'm going through.

 

Thanks again for the story and advice Dominique

 

This is why contacting exes, especially after they've moved on while you still have feelings is bad and sets back your progress. There's always the chance they won't answer (why would they? They've moved on and you keep on clinging to them and showing them that they are more important than they are) or if they do they'll answer with platitudes just to get you to leave them alone.

 

I agree with what everyone suggested, therapy and all. I haven't read the other threads yet but I think that you really need to detox from this person and to try a different approach since you've been in this spiral for a year or so and maybe therapy can help you with that.

 

Edit: now I remember that I read another thread from you and I maintain my opinion.

[Fracturedheart]

This is why contacting exes, especially after they've moved on while you still have feelings is bad and sets back your progress. There's always the chance they won't answer (why would they? They've moved on and you keep on clinging to them and showing them that they are more important than they are) or if they do they'll answer with platitudes just to get you to leave them alone.

 

I agree with what everyone suggested, therapy and all. I haven't read the other threads yet but I think that you really need to detox from this person and to try a different approach since you've been in this spiral for a year or so and maybe therapy can help you with that.

 

Edit: now I remember that I read another thread from you and I maintain my opinion.

 

Thanks for your advice I appreciate it.

 

I'm finally going to go true NC this time. Prior I wasn't in communication however I was still looking or trying to look at her Facebook. We aren't connected on social media.

 

I'm not going to be looking her up and I won't be getting in touch with her again. I made it clear in my email that it was the last time she would hear from me.

 

It's tough to accept what's happened and how this all played out but I will accept that i need to move on and find happiness.

 

I'm also going to give up social media for a few months. I'm sure by end of the year I'll be 90% moved on and at peace with what happened.

[Dominique]

You can do this. I KNOW you can. Take steps. Baby steps.

 

What you mentioned about fasting from social media is a good step.

 

Just keep trying. I promise if you put that effort out there, it will come back to you in waves.

 

Keep going. Keep trying. Believe you can do this when everything points to the opposite. Lie to yourself if you need to. Tell yourself you can do it even when you don't think you can.

[Fracturedheart]

You can do this. I KNOW you can. Take steps. Baby steps.

 

What you mentioned about fasting from social media is a good step.

 

Just keep trying. I promise if you put that effort out there, it will come back to you in waves.

 

Keep going. Keep trying. Believe you can do this when everything points to the opposite. Lie to yourself if you need to. Tell yourself you can do it even when you don't think you can.

 

Thanks, I know I can. Although this isn't how I wished things turned out, im releieved it's finally over. I don't have to waste another minute thinking what if. I know what it's not and it's not me she wants to spend her life with.

 

Although extremely painful, I've learned a lot to take into the next relationship if that ever presents itself

[Dominique]

you will have another relationship together once you get yourself together.

[Fracturedheart]

you will have another relationship together once you get yourself together.

 

Have another relationship together? What do you mean?

[Dominique]

Have another relationship together? What do you mean?

 

typo.

 

you will have another relationship once you get yourself together. (heal)

[Fracturedheart]

Thanks Dominique!