Is keeping contacts with his ex considered cheating?

[socallmesue]

Dear ENA members!

 

I had this question running in my head for some time but decided to just put it out here for more opinions.

 

My current ex and I broke things off two months back because things were just not going well. Things were going well for the first 9 months till he reconnected with his long term ex (and first love!) during a university reunion. They kept in contact and met each other after the reunion to find closure but soon enough, old feelings resurfaced. He initially did not tell me about their first few meetings, but I caught him in his lie and after that he told me whenever they met. He insisted that he needed to have closure with his ex, if not he would not be able to move on in our relationship (or any, for that matter).

 

My question to my fellow ENA members is - would you constitute this as cheating?

 

P.S. He did managed to block his ex but reconnected with her again recently when they saw each other at another event.

[nutbrownhare]

Meeting up with an ex for whom he still has feelings to get 'closure' !!!

 

Even if there was no physical contact, it was certainly emotional cheating. And the only closure he needed was you, shutting the door quite firmly in his hypocritical face!

[catfeeder]

Is keeping contacts with his ex considered cheating?

 

I don't know about 'cheating,' but I'd consider it disloyal. Speaking only for myself, I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. If he's not done with his old business, then he's not relationship material, and he's only free to contact me in the future if he's ever free and clear--and completely over--all of his exes. Until then, he doesn't belong in my life.

[socallmesue]

I don't know about 'cheating,' but I'd consider it disloyal. Speaking only for myself, I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. If he's not done with his old business, then he's not relationship material, and he's only free to contact me in the future if he's ever free and clear--and completely over--all of his exes. Until then, he doesn't belong in my life.

 

Yes! Told him exactly that. Initially, there were no signs that he was still hung over the ex, although it seems now that the ex has not moved on from him (or taken much initiative to move on), even after more than a year.

[Starlight925]

I read your other thread, and while I don't consider it cheating, it is dishonest and disloyal.

 

I only believe that exes can remain friends if they both have zero romantic interest in each other, and have both clearly moved on, which is extremely rare. I feel that over 90% of the time, one person still carries feelings for the other. In this case, she still carried feelings for him, so for him to be her friend, in her mind, she is still "in there", and he is at best, stringing her along. All the while, driving you crazy with all these thoughts of "what if" and "why".

 

I read from your other thread that he was the one to break up with you. Have you ever spoken to him since then?

[lostandhurt]

He was wrong to get into a relationship with you when he was still hung up on her, he was wrong to go behind your back, he was wrong to emotionally betray you and he was wrong to lie about it.

 

You were right to dump him.

 

He is obviously still hung up on her so you did the right thing.

 

He screwed up a good thing for an ex. Another point for not having an ex as a friend.

 

Lost

[SherrySher]

So, when you know that someone is hiding something from you, or you are the person who feels compelled to hide something...then you know it's wrong, and not innocent.

 

No more needs to be said than that. He hid it from you for a reason. You were right to dump him.

[socallmesue]

I read from your other thread that he was the one to break up with you. Have you ever spoken to him since then?

 

He reached out to me recently (I strongly believe it's to rekindle our relationship) but after speaking for a bit, I found out after a period of time not speaking to his ex, they spoke again for a mutual friend's wedding. I stopped any communication with him after that because nothing can happen between us while he is still in contact with his ex.

[Starlight925]

I very strongly believe that a role of our partner is to make us feel safe, heard, and loved. They should be able to do things with their friends, travel, whatever hobbies they are interested in, and we should not even think twice about it, safe in the knowledge that they're only having a great time, not that they're with someone else.

 

When someone lies to us repeatedly like this, it shows us that they are not concerned with how safe we feel. This makes you feel like you're on edge, constantly wondering where he is, who he's with, what he's doing. Rather than living your life, enjoying your time, and cherishing the moments that you have. What this does is, instead of allowing those together times to be cherished, is causes you to question him, look at him differently, and wonder what he's been up to.

[catfeeder]

I only believe that exes can remain friends if they both have zero romantic interest in each other, and have both clearly moved on, which is extremely rare. I feel that over 90% of the time, one person still carries feelings for the other.

 

I agree with the rest of your post, but I don't believe that pursuing friendship even in the rare scenario you mention is a good idea. Such a friendship either has a time limit, or it's a booby trap that sabotages future relationships.

 

If it only lasts until either pursues a love life with someone else, then it just delays the pain of parting for a later date, and if it's a 'good' friendship, that can make the final parting even harder. OR, it sabotages future relationships by providing a 'pseudo' partnership where neither pursues another relationship, or, it lies in wait like a landmine for a potential SO to reject the threesome or assume the burden of assessing such a friendship's 'safety,' which can backfire or cause unnecessary stressors to the new relationship.

 

I can appreciate that some people brag about their drama-free friendships with exes, and such a situation is not foreign to me, so I can say in all honesty, in my own case, it was all a bunch o' crAp. Having been raised by divorced parents who each partnered with others, I had a faulty model of exes and step parents all playing maturity games in a 'friendzie' sandbox together--and while that offered some advantages to a kid learning to manipulate such a situation, the model only added unnecessary complexities to my adult life that I would have done far more fabulously without.

 

In my mind, there's zero point to holding onto an ex. Period. Either they're lover material, or they're someone else's lover material. For me, there is no gray area to contend with.

[Starlight925]

Catfeeder, I actually completely agree with you. I am having issues in my own relationship relating to exes, so I actually really appreciate what you're saying.

 

I guess I was trying to be generous with the 90%, lol.

[socallmesue]

Mind sharing what's happening, LHGirl?

[Starlight925]

Mind sharing what's happening, LHGirl?

 

My situation is different from yours. In you situation, your BF was going out of his way to spend time with someone that you knew he liked, and lied to you about it.

 

Mine is more of exes who just won't leave, won't get the hint. He and I have actually been to counseling about this, and he's defriended/blocked and proactively told them to stop contacting him. It's an issue, because certain people just have no boundaries, and continually interfere. He does have a tie with one person, but he recently told her that in no uncertain terms is she allowed to contact him anymore other than that certain issue. No more 3:30 am calls (yes, she did), no more constant little texts about stupid little things. She wrote him an email saying that she finally "got it", but that remains to be seen.

[Jibralta]

Mine is more of exes who just won't leave, won't get the hint. He and I have actually been to counseling about this, and he's defriended/blocked and proactively told them to stop contacting him. It's an issue, because certain people just have no boundaries, and continually interfere.

 

Something like this happened in the first 2 months of my current relationship. I drew a line in the sand like a canyon. I was ready to walk away. But we worked through it. Even after him and I had our boundaries straightened out, one girl just kept showing up every once in a while and he'd have to tell her to go away.

[Starlight925]

Something like this happened in the first 2 months of my current relationship. I drew a line in the sand like a canyon. I was ready to walk away. But we worked through it. Even after him and I had our boundaries straightened out, one girl just kept showing up every once in a while and he'd have to tell her to go away.

 

Thanks, Jibralta. I've actually drawn a line as well, and I've made it crystal clear that I will walk away. I love him to pieces, but I've spent too much time over the past several years removing myself from drama. We've been together for 15 months, and that's one of the things he loves most about me: I'm easygoing, I rarely complain, and I make sure he knows how much I appreciate all that he does. We both agree, that we have ONE issue, and that is that these exes need to stay on their side of the boundary. And that he needs to be the one to enforce it.

 

He absolutely gets it, and I've seen some proactive action by him very recently, which makes me hopeful.

 

Apologies for the thread hijack.

[nutbrownhare]

I don't have a problem with exes necessarily. I had a partner who was still friends with his ex-wife; he was in his 40's, they'd known each other since they were teenagers, it was patently obvious that all romantic feelings had evaporated years before and when they described each other as 'friends', they meant it. I had no problem with that at all.

 

However, when either the current partner or their ex still has feelings for the other - that's different. Some people keep their partner at arm's length by referring wistfully to a previous relationship which didn't work out - that's different, too.

 

Basically, I'm not prepared to have a relationship with someone who's got one foot out of the door.

[Starlight925]

Completely agree, nutbrownhare. My BF has 2 major exes in his life: one he shares kids with. The ex he shares kids with is absolutely fine; in fact, I think I chat with her more than he does. The romantic feelings are long gone, and they basically have a cordial relationship based on the "business" of sharing kids (grown). I've pointed that out to him: that it's not that I have a problem with every ex, but the ones who still pine for him and cross boundaries? You betcha I don't want that around.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm still friendly(ish) with my ex-husband. I say 'ish' because he still comes out with the same kind of ***hole comments which caused me to leave the relationship in the first place.

 

His wife, though - they've been married since 1988, and I still don't understand how a guy like him has ended up with a woman like her. She's wonderful! And yes, I have far more contact with her than I do with him!

[Titanll]

If you two have been broken up for two months, why are you questioning anything?

[socallmesue]

If you two have been broken up for two months, why are you questioning anything?

 

Because he came back recently to rekindle the relationship. And yet I caught him still talking to his ex. It hurts me a lot because I love him to bits but I cannot take any more disrespect. I have too many "what-ifs" on my mind, because I know if he came back when he has fully shaken off the ex, I would readily jump back in because I really treasure the connection we have. But he came back while his old baggages are still here, and this eliminates all chances of us getting back together. And that thought hurts.