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Boyfriend going away with someone who has a crush on him


B733

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My boyfriend is friends with someone who revealed a crush on him. My boyfriend declined the crush and told this person about me, but was open to being friends. They share similar hobbies.

 

Over time, the person crushing posted material on Facebook about feeling sad about not being together. I told my boyfriend who told me to just ignore it.

 

That was months ago.

 

Now, the person crushing and my boyfriend have a planned trip together. I wanted to go along, but my boyfriend said no and that I'd only be inviting myself. It's only a one day trip, not overnight.

 

I said that I felt uncomfortable with it, and I fear the person meddling with our relationship. I went on for a bit, got frustrated and annoyed. Then my boyfriend called me controlling. He got frustrated, saying my behaviours need to change. I explained I felt uncomfortable even though I trusted him - I fear this person meddling with us.

 

Now, my boyfriend is ignoring me. I'm not sure what to do. I know I can be anxious, worrisome at times.

 

What would you do?

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you've told him you're uncomfortable with him going on this trip and he's called you controlling. he's still going on the trip with this person who has a crush on him.

great, tell him you hope he has fun. you have a choice here, you either tolerate him doing this (who knows what the next trip will be) or you can walk away. if i was you i would walk away. he isnt showing respect for your feelings.

find someone who does respect your feelings.

good luck and be happy.

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It all depends. My partner has various female friends, and I know that at least two of them want a relationship with him and have done for years. As he put it "It just isn't going to happen!"

 

We've relocated now so the issue doesn't come up, but in principle it wouldn't bother me at all if he went on a day trip with one of them.

 

The crucial thing is - does your guy have feelings for her? If your partner is attractive, then other people will be attracted to them. It only becomes an issue if those feelings are returned. If they ARE, then get out of the relationship.

 

If not, don't give it a second thought. A long time ago, my then partner had a female friend who'd fancied him for years. She often tried to make out to me that their friendship was much more than it really was; he and I used to chuckle about it. If your relationship's strong enough, someone trying to get in there to meddle will have no effect. If it isn't, again, you need to have another look at your relationship.

 

So it really rests on whether he has feelings for her, or not. If he doesn't, then you really do need to change your behaviours because it will kill your relationship.

 

And if he does... well, you know what to do.

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Okay, this is not normal! I'm usually the person to say it's okay to have opposite sex as friends.

In your case, you've asked if you could come along and he said, "no". Why not?

You express that you are uncomfortable, and he called you controlling? Yet he's the one telling you your behavior needs to change? Then he ignores you? Passive-aggressive much?

 

You have every right to feel uncomfortable, this person likes your boyfriend and is posting comments on social media (again, I'm generally against putting emphasis on social media) in this case, it serves as facts on why you are uncomfortable with your boyfriend hanging out with this person.

 

Are you sure there is nothing going on with them? He's acting rather suspicious in my opinion. I know trust is everything in a relationship, but so is communications. You are expressing your concerns and he's just pushing it aside, it's not right!

 

I could understand if this is a friend he had before he met you and they've always been close and going on day trips together. It's another when it's a girl that has a crush on him and he's refusing to let you come along. That's what boggles my mind. Why is it such a big deal if you come? Sounds to me, your boyfriend is aware of her crushing on him and is either liking the attention a bit too much or is reciprocating.

 

It's also childish that he starts to ignore you. That's not necessary, unless.... you are nagging him?

 

It all boils down on what you can and can not tolerate. Are you okay with these occasional trips? Are you okay with having your feelings being disrespected? Ask yourself those questions. The only human behavior your could control is your own. Unfortunately, you can't control what he does. The choice is yours.

 

I know if it was me, there are too many red flags. It's not the fact that he's going on a day trip with this girl. It's the fact that he pushed your feelings aside and ignored you. Then tells you your behavior needs to change! My deal breaker is the passive-aggressive behavior. I will NOT tolerate that. I can not be in a relationship with someone whom I can't communicate with either, it would drive me nuts.

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It's also childish that he starts to ignore you. That's not necessary, unless.... you are nagging him?

 

Yes, this ^^^. It may not be the case, of course.

 

The OP may be completely justified in feeling worried. Or she may be making too much of a situation where her guy shares a nerdy hobby with someone he's not in the least interested in, and doesn't want the OP there as a 'chaperone' and/or creating a bad atmosphere.

 

On the other hand, he may be having a great ego boost at the expense of the OP. Without knowing what form

anxious, worrisome at times
takes, or whether the guy here has feelings for the other girl, we can't really offer helpful advice.
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This is not acceptable at all. No ma'am. You should not tolerate this.

 

The moment someone reveals feelings is the moment they forfeit a friendship. There is no going back once it happens. It's so obvious she still has feelings if she made passive aggressive posts about it like some 15 year older on social media. And the fact he is putting himself in situations to be alone with this person AFTER she made those comments on social media... definitely not ok. Why is he backing down to her level?

 

If anything, she's the one who's being controlling and manipulative, not you. It's a shame your boyfriend is too ignorant to see it.

 

I wanted to go along, but my boyfriend said no and that I'd only be inviting myself.

Nope, not ok. You are his girlfriend and if anything, he should be making trips wth you... not with her. You should be welcomed on that trip.

 

Dump this guy. He is so disrespectful to you and the relationship. And no, you definitely are not controlling. You got boundaries and he's choosing to disrespect them.

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I don't believe there can be an actual friendship where one is actively pining for the other. I wouldn't hold it against my boyfriend for being friendly and polite to such a person, or if he had to work with the person, but I'd draw the line at my partner insisting they are buds under those circumstances. He wouldn't do it and I'd think he was an ass if he did. There wouldn't even need to be a conversation about that.

 

What's the nature of the trip and is it just them going? There's a difference between being friendly and actively seeking out time with the person. And why can't you go?

 

The ignoring too , I think it's ass like behaviour.

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I don't believe there can be an actual friendship where one is actively pining for the other. I wouldn't hold it against my boyfriend for being friendly and polite to such a person, or if he had to work with the person, but I'd draw the line at my partner insisting they are buds under those circumstances. He wouldn't do it and I'd think he was an ass if he did. There wouldn't even need to be a conversation about that.

 

What's the nature of the trip and is it just them going? There's a difference between being friendly and actively seeking out time with the person. And why can't you go?

 

The ignoring too , I think it's ass like behaviour.

 

Exactly and Sonny too. I don't mean to split hairs but it also depends how strong the crush. I have a male friend for over 20 years. He asked me out on a date when we first met a long time ago, I said no, we commenced a friendship. He got married over 15 years ago - happily - and when we were both single there was one occasion where things could have gone a different direction but I ignored the signal and it didn't. He has harmlessly made cute comments (I never have) and I know exactly how he means them -harmlessly. I don't even think my husband knows that this guy ever asked me out because it's such a non-issue. I've gone to dinner with him, to lunch, etc and if he had two tickets to a ball game and his wife couldn't go, I'd go -because we both know we're totally platonic, no leading on. I think your situation is different- it crossed the line from harmless to obvious crush so that the friendship is unbalanced.

 

I really just meant to write I agreed with those two, sigh. Look - if she gets involved with someone else down the line and this crush subsides it's open for reevaluation I guess.

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Unfortunately you do need to keep in mind that plenty of people do cheat. Perhaps you are his official girlfriend but this is his side girl who hopes to eventually replace you. He could be leading her on and just using her for ego strokes, or it could be an affair.

 

A kind person would not lead someone on and if she is clearly crushing on him and he is still seeing her, something is wrong here. And more wrong that you want to be with included and he refused to let you and says things like your only be inviting yourself, i.e. they don't want you there.

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In an perfect world, it's your boyfriend you should worry about, not her. If he's trustworthy, no problem. But the world is not perfect, as much as we wish it would be.

 

HOWEVER, this is NOT a "friendship." This is unrequited love. Meaning, it would only take a moment of vulnerability on your boyfriend's part for her to be all over him. Trust me, she doesn't give a damn about you.

 

More commonly it's the woman that has a guy "friend" that would bone her at a moment's notice, and the woman pooh-poohs that because she naively thinks she "controls the relationship" (all relationships go two-ways). But sometimes, as in your case, it goes the other way. And it's playing with fire imo.

 

These types of "friendships" I think you are right to be concerned.

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