Should I approach my therapist about this?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Hi there,

 

I went to my therapist last week and she seemed really distant- I felt like I was talking to myself. We normally have a good relationship.

 

I didn't say anything about it. But after the therapy I felt super angry about it, and I really wanted to talk to someone about it, but that person is normally my therapist!

 

So I have another week to wait, but it really shocked me. I guess I'm really vulnerable at the moment and I wonder if:

 

a. I was just in a sensitive space

b. even therapists have bad days

 

I know I can bring anything to the session that I need to... but I guess my question is how to bring it up. I felt so angry about her being distant, and then at the same time I felt ashamed because it showed me how dependent I currently am.

 

Any feedback much appreciated.

[Seraphim]

It could be she was having a bad day/ something happening in her own world. I would only bring it up if it happens more than once .

[rosephase]

I think most therapists are used to and comfortable with processing their relationships to their clients.

[reinventmyself]

Is this a one time thing? If so I'd let it go. If it continues then speak up or find new one.

 

I had the same experience.

My therapist teaches at a university and I saw him at the end of one of his long days. I swear he fighting to stay awake. Much like you I was disappointed but there's no one I'd rather see. So now I know not to schedule on T or Th (if possible) or take a break when a semester starts.

[nutbrownhare]

I'd certainly bring this up with the therapist, but make sure you're comfortable doing so.

 

You may well find that it opens the door to some very positive work; when I was in a therapy group we were always encouraged to explore material which was 'red hot', i.e. something which had happened very recently, or between group members.

 

You could just start by saying that there's something you feel you need to bring up, and it concerns your previous session/session three weeks ago/whichever one it was, and take it from there.

[catfeeder]

Sure, you can bring it up. Probably best to not work yourself up over it all week, though. Consider it business you'll deal with appropriately when the time comes. Then you can start your session calmly telling therapist, "I wasn't happy with our session last week. You seemed less engaged than usual. Was it a bad day for you, or were you using a distance technique to prompt a reaction from me?"

[Boughtandpaidfor]

or were you using a distance technique to prompt a reaction from me?"

 

Is that something a therapist would do? As I have previous experience with game-playing spiritual groups, I hate it when people use psychological techniques on me... I can't imagine it's true in this case as my therapist knows all about that.

[Seraphim]

It could be she just had an off day. Everyone has them at work.

[LaHermes]

As I have previous experience with game-playing spiritual groups

 

What is a "game-playing" spiritual group?

[catfeeder]

Is that something a therapist would do? As I have previous experience with game-playing spiritual groups, I hate it when people use psychological techniques on me... I can't imagine it's true in this case as my therapist knows all about that.

 

It's not a game, exactly, it's a way of teaching an overly needy attention-seeker how to navigate silence rather than manipulate continual feedback. This will serve the person later in 'real' relationships. At first, it triggers anger and feels to the patient like learning how to operate as one hand trying to clap. In the long run, however, it teaches the patient how to avoid vampiric behavior that exhausts and alienates the average person who doesn't possess the energy or desire to continually 'feed' another.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I'm pretty sure we have an adult-enough relationship that my therapist would just communicate that to me directly, rather than play any kind of headgame. But I was worried there for a moment!

[RainyCoast]

I went to my therapist last week and she seemed really distant- I felt like I was talking to myself. We normally have a good relationship.

 

I didn't say anything about it. But after the therapy I felt super angry about it, and I really wanted to talk to someone about it, but that person is normally my therapist!

 

yes, i would bring it up. while everyone zones out from time to time, the standard is for Ts to not, and they put great effort into remaining engaged. when they zone out, it is a defense, and they are trained to put that realization to a good use. they experience countertransference all the time, and they should be more than willing to recognize it when it happens.

 

it is absolutely normal that that you were not satisfied, and it will tell her important things about where you require more help with individuation, and what personal fear of hers may keep her from assisting similar pts. one of the first things a therapist has to do is contain the patient's distress, and provide a "holding environment". they hold the distress, they "metabolize it" for the pt, then they return the contents to the pt in a form which a pt can stand, and use. that is also what parents do with crying newborns. you can look up the terms "winnicott + containment" and "bion + holding" if you're interested. the failure of containment is a common setback in therapy and Ts should not take it personally.

 

i think I statements can be overrated, but in this instance, i would speak from an I position. I would tell her something like "last time i felt like you spaced out. i tried to remain firm in my knowledge of the fact that everyone's interest and attention span fluctuates for many reasons, but i couldn't help feeling upset. what i was saying was a distressing matter to me which i felt was greater than my ability to deal with it, and i wished to entrust it in the care of someone better equipped to handle it than myself."

 

then you add specific subquestions like how do i deal with situations when i have no place or person to support the weight of the stress i carry, and even, i am interested in what made you space out because if i can understand which of my needs are difficult for people and why, perhaps i can convey them differently, or change my expectations about them.

[nutbrownhare]

i think I statements can be overrated, but in this instance, i would speak from an I position. I would tell her something like "last time i felt like you spaced out. i tried to remain firm in my knowledge of the fact that everyone's interest and attention span fluctuates for many reasons, but i couldn't help feeling upset. what i was saying was a distressing matter to me which i felt was greater than my ability to deal with it, and i wished to entrust it in the care of someone better equipped to handle it than myself."

 

Agreed; after all, the OP is there to discuss HER experiences and feelings, not to explore what techniques the therapist may or may not be using. The difference between intimacy and games is that with intimacy, each person takes responsibility for their own feelings and uses 'I' statements. With games, there is blaming, accusation and 'You' statements. The latter is not helpful in a therapeutic situation.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

As I have previous experience with game-playing spiritual groups

 

What is a "game-playing" spiritual group?

 

Well... erm.... a cult.

 

I was involved in a group that would deliberately miscommunicate and play good-cop/bad cop games. I was given a task to do and then that task was made impossible on purpose. When you try to complain, you're told you have an attitude problem ("Everyone else is on board, what's your problem?"). In the bubble of the isolated center I was in, I started to lose my (already wobbly) marbles. The end-game is that you have a psychological collapse, which is framed as "surrendering to God", and you become compliant... It's more common than you think. But people who are already sensitive to stuff tend to get pushed out quite quickly if they resist. I was left feeling like a failure, and they even convinced me to take anti-depressants. Luckily I have managed to connect with other ex-members and a (I think) good therapist for me and found a safe place to be.

 

There a lots of different kinds of spiritual groups like this. Some are not even spiritual, but present more as self-help groups or even political organisations. My experience has led to me doing a ton of reading on the subject. It's fascinating stuff really (if I hadn't been the one involved in it).

[LaHermes]

Got it, HT. I suspected as much

 

" a cult. "

 

The last thing any of these nefarious groups is "spiritual". What amazes me is how these groups have proliferated over relatively recent times and infested society. Even more amazing that they aren't declared illegal when one considers the sort of stuff that goes on within their confines.

[RainyCoast]

Agreed; after all, the OP is there to discuss HER experiences and feelings, not to explore what techniques the therapist may or may not be using.

yes, besides, when prompted, T would probably quite gladly explain what she was hoping OP could master. it honestly doesn't sound even remotely to me like she was "playing games", even in the empowering sense of using poised silence to prompt OP to hold his affect for a moment just long enough to cause him enough discomfort that he can feel, and withstand at the same time.

 

also, from what i remember, OPs last distressing experience with the cult was not so long ago. even in advanced stages of therapy, lots of containment is offered before pts are coaxed to accept increasing amounts of distress on their own. shutting them out halfway as they are accepting and communicating vulnerability isn't done, at least not intentionally. i really think she just floated away from something, and was at best half-aware of it herself.

 

a silent presence can indeed heal in many ways, but it sounds more like she was obviously absent, not silently present. it is really an everyday manifestation of countertransference, and they don't mind discussing it. sometimes Ts prompted to explain what they experienced at such a moment can use emphatic self-disclosure, even describe how the moment felt physically to them (suddenly wanted to stretch. my upper back felt heavy. i started thinking about food...) and question the emotions underneath the somatization* to encourage pts and themselves to explore moments of disconnection and bridge them together.

 

*somatic experiences are very helpful when we have too many defenses up to face the emotional level immediately. one can approach the distressing, hard to face emotions in a roundabout way. for example, and this is a bit of a weird example, but a textbook one, if after an unpleasant blind spot, such a stubborn projective identification has been removed in the pt, the pt is suddenly hungry, it can tell them the pt feels safe to internalize the good object (T), and hence conclude they managed to successfully rescript the part of the internal object the session was focused on. (of course, when one has sufficiently internalized a good object, the need for containment diminishes, and moments when the other is absent, removed, behind a glass so to speak, are less distressing because the good object is...inside)

[RainyCoast]

The end-game is that you have a psychological collapse, which is framed as "surrendering to God", and you become compliant

i wished to entrust it in the care of someone better equipped to handle it than myself."

it showed me how dependent I currently am.

 

btw, these are very telling sentences to me. your last experience of entrusting your mind into the care of others, the courage ( or desperation?) to let go and allow yourself to be led, brought about a shattering collapse and abuse. now, you realize you want to depend on someone, you normally trust them (when it wouldn't be unusual if you were uncomfortable), which could point to two things. one is perhaps you do have a tendency to excessively give away your personal power and responsibility to others, for an underlying fear of your own assumed incompetence or frailty. two, perhaps you have so far had a good holding environment in Th, and are overcoming distrust and persecutory anxiety.

 

this is worth talking about with her.

[catfeeder]

I'm pretty sure we have an adult-enough relationship that my therapist would just communicate that to me directly, rather than play any kind of headgame. But I was worried there for a moment!

 

It's not a game, it's just a method of allowing a patient to take a session wherever he or she will. Or, therapist had a bad day. The point was, yes--ask her.

[nsolo]

"Any feedback much appreciated."

 

If I were to bring it up, I'd say something like, "So, the last time I was here you seemed a little distracted, and I have to ask if everything is all right. It's just that you didn't seem as engaged as normal, so I wanted to ask."

 

And if the therapist is acting the same way right from the get-go of your next session, then I'd say, "I have to ask if everything's been okay with you. Last week you didn't seem as engaged as usual, and you seem the same this week. Is everything okay?"

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Update:

 

We talked about it. It was a really helpful process. Of seeing how I struggle to deal with anger that I don't feel is going to be heard. Was well worth bringing it up and taking it into that space. Felt like a very difficult session but very worthwhile in the end.

[catfeeder]

Update:

 

We talked about it. It was a really helpful process. Of seeing how I struggle to deal with anger that I don't feel is going to be heard. Was well worth bringing it up and taking it into that space. Felt like a very difficult session but very worthwhile in the end.

 

What was therapist's response?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Therapist apologised . Which was bizarre. I didn't know how to respond. Then we discussed how I didn't feel I had to the right to be angry or have an opinion in relation to conflict like that, because I didn't trust my perception.

 

And therapist said I had every right to have needs and to have them met.

 

The most difficult conversation was my fear that the therapist had done it on purpose as some kind of technique, as that would really be a deal breaker for me. But that was more a figment of my imagination that had taken hold during the week.

 

We didn't discuss whether or not my perception of what had happened was correct, but nor did we dismiss it, we just seemed to focus on my ability to identify my needs and to express them clearly. And to hold the anger and frustration of it without fearing that I'm going to destroy the "safety" of the relationship, and lose support, or become some kind of tyrant demanding how others should behave. It was very fruitful, if a little 'meta' and confusing at times. But I felt much better after the session.

 

It was awkward at points because I felt like I had made the session very self-conscious, and I felt like I was demanding an unfair level of undivided attention or praise/support from the therapist. But then all that could be communicated in real time.

At the end, therapist said the session was "awesome"

[nutbrownhare]

It was awkward at points because I felt like I had made the session very self-conscious, and I felt like I was demanding an unfair level of undivided attention or praise/support from the therapist.

 

The sessions which feel very self-conscious are the ones which are most growthful. When we release repressed feelings and experiences, at best it feels embarrassing and at worst very painful - which is why we repressed them in the first place.

 

And how can you demand an unfair level of undivided attention from a therapist? That's what you're paying them for! Though it does raise points about being shamed for asking for appropriate attention from primary caregivers (e.g. parents) who were too broken to give it to you!

 

It all sounds very, very positive. Well done you! And thanks for sharing your experience on here!

[catfeeder]

Therapist apologised . Which was bizarre. I didn't know how to respond. Then we discussed how I didn't feel I had to the right to be angry or have an opinion in relation to conflict like that, because I didn't trust my perception.

 

And therapist said I had every right to have needs and to have them met.

 

The most difficult conversation was my fear that the therapist had done it on purpose as some kind of technique, as that would really be a deal breaker for me. But that was more a figment of my imagination that had taken hold during the week.

 

We didn't discuss whether or not my perception of what had happened was correct, but nor did we dismiss it, we just seemed to focus on my ability to identify my needs and to express them clearly. And to hold the anger and frustration of it without fearing that I'm going to destroy the "safety" of the relationship, and lose support, or become some kind of tyrant demanding how others should behave. It was very fruitful, if a little 'meta' and confusing at times. But I felt much better after the session.

 

It was awkward at points because I felt like I had made the session very self-conscious, and I felt like I was demanding an unfair level of undivided attention or praise/support from the therapist. But then all that could be communicated in real time.

At the end, therapist said the session was "awesome"

 

Good. There's a difference between saying to someone, "I notice that you seem a bit preoccupied today." versus saying to someone, "You should..."

 

The first opens a door for another to either share what's going on with them, or not. If they say, "It's nothing," then you've still given them notice that something is different, and that alone can snap them out of distraction--even if they opt not to explain what that is.

 

The second is what I call 'shoulding' on someone, and I've learned to avoid the phrase 'you should...' as an imposition.

 

So you can see the difference between expressing how feel about any given dynamic rather than imposing any demands on others. You're smart to question this, because being heavy handed with demands would likely create the scenario you'd fear, while expressing your own feelings about something you've noticed is just that--and it allows another to either address a problem if they have one, or otherwise correct whatever behavior is making you uncomfortable. There's also a third option: a person can say, "Oh, I'm a bit off today," or "I'm having a bad day today," and this assures you that their problem is not about you.

 

I'm glad your therapist was receptive and responsive. While it's true that not everyone will be that cooperative with your observations in 'real life,' it's a good exercise to learn how intelligent and non-defensive people respond to inquiry. It teaches you to model such behavior yourself whenever someone raises such observations about you.

 

Good work!