Men are so Confusing!!!!!

[lm1990]

**This is an update to my previous thread**

 

 

Hey guys,

 

I'm getting mixed messages from my ex and its driving me crazy!!!!!! Last week we had a big blow up about me going through his things due to him breaking trust last year. After leaving my house at 2am and then not hearing from him, I decided to and show up at his house to talk and basically show him how important he is to me (I left work to do this). When I get there, he barely opens the door and makes me stand there and talk to him for a minute from outside (he's never treated me like this in the 8 years that I've known him before). So he finally lets me in and even though I felt what I did was warranted, I swallowed my pride and apologized. Then he goes on to say that doesn't trust me anymore, he doesn't have to put up with people not respecting his privacy, he feels I have a guilty conscience, he doesn't know if we'll be able to come back from this, he's not going to keep constantly stressing about if I think he's messing around or not, he's gonna start focusing on him and all of this other stuff. I sat back and listened and was apologetic and re-emphasized how I didn't think that this little spat was worth giving up years of friendship and everything else we had. But once I left, what I gathered from the whole conversation was that he was gonna start "doing him" aka talking to other people and we would just be "cool" with each other.

 

This conversation happened on a Tuesday. In between that time, I'm pretty devastated because I haven't heard from him, I feel as if I lost my best friend and I start taking the steps to heal and move on. Fast forward to Friday, I get a phone call from him telling me that he ended up getting this job he interviewed for. Of course I'm happy for him and supportive, as I've always been and then we proceed to stay on the phone and just talk like we always have. We were on the phone for almost an hour. So then he ends up coming over the same day and then doesn't leave until Sunday night. The ENTIRE time he was there, he was behaving as if nothing had ever happened and we were just picking up from where we left off. Not once did he bring up all of the things he said just a few days prior. So now I'm wondering what the hell is going on?? I was thinking that maybe he just got over it or that he knows I'm the only one who has his back other than his mom and that I've been there for him at his lowest. But at the same time I'm wondering if he's trying to worm his way back into my life while still "doing him"?? I'm going to talk to him about it but I also don't want to start another argument. It just frustrates me that he really sat in my face smiling and laughing as if he didn't just do me the way he did a few days before and didn't even try to offer some explanation as to where we stand -__-

[j.man]

This conversation happened on a Tuesday. In between that time, I'm pretty devastated because I haven't heard from him, I feel as if I lost my best friend and I start taking the steps to heal and move on. Fast forward to Friday, I get a phone call from him telling me that he ended up getting this job he interviewed for. Of course I'm happy for him and supportive, as I've always been and then we proceed to stay on the phone and just talk like we always have. We were on the phone for almost an hour. So then he ends up coming over the same day and then doesn't leave until Sunday night. The ENTIRE time he was there, he was behaving as if nothing had ever happened and we were just picking up from where we left off. Not once did he bring up all of the things he said just a few days prior. So now I'm wondering what the hell is going on?? I was thinking that maybe he just got over it or that he knows I'm the only one who has his back other than his mom and that I've been there for him at his lowest. But at the same time I'm wondering if he's trying to worm his way back into my life while still "doing him"?? I'm going to talk to him about it but I also don't want to start another argument. It just frustrates me that he really sat in my face smiling and laughing as if he didn't just do me the way he did a few days before and didn't even try to offer some explanation as to where we stand -__-

Well, that sounds a lot like what you surmised:

 

"I gathered from the whole conversation was that he was gonna start "doing him" aka talking to other people and we would just be "cool" with each other."

 

Sounds like he's a bit more blissful having nixed you as a candidate for a relationship and is keen for no-drama NSA, electing to simply hang out and not talk about it. From what you stated in your previous thread, you two aren't even back together yet. Not that someone's ever justified invading someone else's privacy, but it's even more difficult to argue a case for someone who's not even officially with the person. I can't say I blame him for not trusting you anymore and this being to the extent to which he's willing to entertain anything beyond simple friendship.

 

I think you're going to have to either take it or leave it. If you're keen on a relationship, this guy doesn't seem like a fit.

[PaintWithLight]

Nothing confusing here. Just a guy testing if you will settle for breadcrumbs. Do you want to go back to being friends after a relationship? You have to be honest with yourself about if this is the guy for you. You guys kinda fell into this thing and it still feels very comfortable for him, so expect him to tap into your support, warmth and understanding every time he needs the lift.

 

The issue about his phone is telling. He can try and clean it up all he wants. This was not a "backup plan". This was having his cake and eating it too. He had you as his current while he was looking around and cultivating others. The fact that he had not slept with them (yet) is a feeble defense.

 

I think you need to keep away and go into no-contact immediately. Examine what works for you.

[lm1990]

I hear you, but would you still do the goodbye kisses, take out the trash, make me dinner and everything else he was doing prior to the argument if he really nixed me as a candidate for a relationship? Thats where the confusion sets in for me. If he were to be acting completely different then I wouldn't be as confused but he's still doing the boyfriend things he was before.

[Batya33]

It's not confusing. I'm a little confused as to why you didn't ask him to clear the air about what happened? I don't think he wants a relationship with you and he enjoys hanging out and hooking up. I also strongly suggest you don't show up at someone's house unannounced like that especially if you want that person to trust you/take you seriously.

[tattoobunnie]

He's using you. And no, the fact that he:

 

I found message after message from multiple women in text messages and on social media, some of the conversation being sexual in nature.

 

I'm sorry - he has zero right to blow up at you. He's an insecure manipulated jerk. Please move on and upwards, and away from this dude.

[Batya33]

I hear you, but would you still do the goodbye kisses, take out the trash, make me dinner and everything else he was doing prior to the argument if he really nixed me as a candidate for a relationship? Thats where the confusion sets in for me. If he were to be acting completely different then I wouldn't be as confused but he's still doing the boyfriend things he was before.

 

It's one of those things where the words matter more -once he told you he doesn't want a relationship with you then he's not leading you on by playing house. I disagree that he's using you. You welcomed him into your home and chose not to ask about his intentions -whether they had changed, that is.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you took back a guy who was sexting other women.

 

He showed you a while back that he's not boyfriend material. You still don't trust him.

 

Now he's told you he is "just going to do him" and be "cool" with you. And you're allowing it?

 

He's not The One. Just let him go "be cool" on someone else's watch, because he's not going to suddenly morph into a guy he never really was. You're in denial, here.

[reinventmyself]

You say you are getting mixed messages?

Ill decode it for you:

 

"l'll do me and be cool with you" =

"We are no longer a couple and I'll take what ever you are willing to offer as long as you don't ask for anything in return"

 

Next time he shows up and is interested in what you have to offer. . .be sure to get clarification first.

 

Better yet. . Next time anyone gives you mixed messages, don't waste your time trying to figure them out.

Mixed messages are designed to throw you off track.

[Iggy5129]

It's not confusing. He's sleeping with you until something "better" comes along. He just doesn't want to be alone.