Just met and now he's moving away!

[fml1414]

29 y.o. female here. After going on a bunch of dates (dating app) - some of whom I liked - I have met someone and pretty-much fell in love with him on the first date. I am a very cautious person and have never felt this way before immediately upon meeting a guy. We have only had 3 dates. He had just found out that he got his dream job (film industry) and is moving across country in a month. In the beginning, he was telling me to stop dating other guys (kind of jokingly), but he had basically told me to move on. It is illogical for me to be in love with him; I don't think the feelings are because he is unavailable (felt this way before I knew he was moving). I am not able to move - in grad school, plus it would be somewhat insane and scary/clingy to suggest this (hey, I know we've just met, but I'm totally in love with you and if you tell me to move, I will...).

 

This guy is literally perfect for me. He is extremely attractive physically (to me), yet he doesn't know it. He is mildly shy and melancholic, yet kinky and dominant in bed. I am attracted to his looks, personality, intellect, sense of humor, voice, and weirdness. I have literally never felt so comfortable with and close to another human being (have been married before and had another long term relationship that ended 2 months ago). I have never had anyone else look at me the way he looks at me. He is also 29 like me.

 

He is not the type to attract a lot of females and has not had any relationships longer than a year. He is definitely somewhat of a loner, but he is not the angry/mean loaner type. He is overly cautious as far as dating goes, so it is possible that he is going to be alone for a while (never assume, but...).

 

I know that I need to get over him (and I know that I can; unfortunately, I get over people quickly), but somehow I don't want to be over him.

 

1. Would it be creepy to tell him that I want to stay in touch after he moves? I am not 100% sure of his intentions. I figure, worst that can happen is that I'll embarrass myself.

2. Also, would it be desperate to come visit him a few months after he moves? Again, might totally creep him out or scare him.

3. Should I tell him that I'm in love with him before he leaves?

4. I graduate in a year... but supposed to do a fellowship afterwards, although I can change that around and move in a year. I am absolutely willing to wait. Has anyone done this successfully?

5. Has anyone done anything crazy for love? Was it worth it? Do you regret it?

6. Should I just let him go? Enjoy our last month together and try not to get too attached? Has anyone had an experience like that?

 

I don't really believe in long distance relationships (I did have two when I was younger), but I can't help but think that I'm losing "the one". Right now, I'm willing to do whatever to be with this guy, which sounds absolutely insane coming from a practical/less emotion-driven person like me. I know that he really likes me (I think I like him even more) - but I don't think he is the type to jump into anything. Not to sound full of myself, but I am a "good catch"/attract a lot of men (for the sake of full picture).

 

Sorry for the long post. Please help.

[Starlight925]

I've done a few crazy things for love, and they never worked out for me. I had an LDR for a year with my "soulmate". We both moved hundreds of miles to be together after a year of LDR. It took about 2 weeks for me to realize what a huge mistake I had made, and how very different he turned out to be.

 

I also went to another country to see someone that I had the most amazing, soul-filling week of my life with. He was visiting the U.S., and when he left, I cried for months. He, too, turned out to be very different from what I thought.

 

Like you, I've never had trouble attracting guys, so it's not like I was desperate. I was in love.

 

Sure, keep in touch with him, but please start dating and meeting others.

 

And no, don't tell him you're in love with him. Tell him you had 3 amazing dates with him, and leave that be.

[melancholy123]

I agree, tell him you want to stay in touch but dont tell him you love him. Too soon for that even if he wasn't moving. See how it goes, but dont put your life on hold for him.

[j.man]

6. Should I just let him go?

Yes.

 

Enjoy our last month together and try not to get too attached?

No. Everything you've written shows that's not an option. Yeah, it sucks you found someone you dig but it logistically won't work out. It happens. A lot. Simply being a match doesn't make someone "the one." How many billions of men in the world? You could bet that there are at least a handful who, if not for some form of barrier, would be perfect for you. And the thing is, just three dates in, we don't know if he'd even be able to check that box off, never mind the sheer physical inaccessibility.

 

And I say this as someone who used to pretty regularly do holiday flings. I get a bit over a month off every winter and, prior to getting locked down, used to travel home and date for fun during that time. If I'm completely honest, during an extended vacation to Mexico City, I met a lady who, were it not for the fact I had no intention to stick around, might well have been a match on par with my current lady. But life didn't allow for it and it was what it was. If you're good at compartmentalizing the fun aspect of dating from the sorta deep romantic aspect, it's actually a really good time. If you can't, you're just setting yourself up more and more for disaster with each date.

 

Additionally, I'm not sure I'd even assume he hadn't known this whole time that he'd be booking it out of there but simply didn't want to limit his options by disclosing upfront to women that he'd be leaving soon. Again, relating back to my own experiences and travel flings, there were quite a few gorgeous women who would have given me the time of day had I not been open about it being temporary. It got very tempting to let that detail slip, but I would've felt awful hurting anyone.

 

So, yeah. I really do think your best option is to chalk it up to a "wasn't meant to be" moment. If you feel absolutely compelled to do anything, maybe simply let him know to hit you up should life bring him back to your city to stay, and leave it at that.

[Batya33]

This is not about doing something crazy "for love" because this isn't love, yet.

 

What I would do. Ask him if he wants to stay in touch. Based on his response, stay in touch casually. Let him suggest seeing each other - he is moving for his dream job and he likely will be consumed with that for at least awhile. See what happens and if he wants to get together and you want to visit him because you like that area of the country then that's fine (or see if he plans to come back to visit family, etc).

I'm sorry about this situation - bad timing, I know!

[fml1414]

And no, don't tell him you're in love with him. Tell him you had 3 amazing dates with him, and leave that be.

 

Thank you for your message! I think that is what I'll tell him.

[fml1414]

J.man, thank you. I agree with what you're telling me. To be fair to him, I truly believe he really didn't know he was moving (and he took down his profile immediately). I think it took some courage on his part to tell me.

[fml1414]

Batya33, thank you. Bad timing, true. I do visit AZ, CO, NM, and sometimes CA every year, so it wouldn't seem like I'm going just for him (although if I go alone, it might).