I feel so broken, I don't see an end to my mourning in sight. I miss her so bad.

[donkeys]

Close to 3 weeks ago now my ex suddenly broke up with me (for a variety of reasons, including my at the time less than successful life situations). I've felt so destroyed ever since.

 

I had fallen into a deep depression that was almost evaporated when I met her. We only dated for close to 9 months, but I can say without a doubt that I have never felt so happy, or grew so close to another person before than I did her. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety, and have been a sufferer of OCD for most of my life, though the tendencies have thankfully somewhat faded with time.

 

But when I was with her, even though it was a short time, everything went away. The depression, the anxiety, even my OCD seemed to lessen to quite a degree. Although I admit, I think I might've been emotionally dependent on her. I tried to maintain my independence but slowly my life seemed to revolve all around her.

 

She's a very independent, successful person. And because of this she pushed me to succeed to get my life together with her full support. I managed to get a new job that I like, I'm moving into a new place with a friend, I'm going back to school this summer to become a vet tech.

 

So many amazing things are happening for me...but I don't feel excited about any of it. I wanted her to be a part of it all, to see me succeed.

 

IMMEDIATELY after the breakup she violently tossed me into the friend zone, claiming that she still loved me but wasn't in love with me any more, and that she always wanted me to remain her best friend and in her life. She still wanted to hang out all the time, she even said she still wanted to go on one of our planned vacations with me still, but just as friends.

 

It's been the hardest 3 weeks of my life ever since. I cry every single day. I cry at work, I cry at home. The pain is so bad that I will be 100% honest, suicidal thoughts have been creeping in and out of my head. I don't want to kill myself, I just think the knowledge that there's a way out of the pain makes me feel better. Meanwhile...she seems to be doing perfectly fine. Every time I speak to her or see her since the breakup she's so happy. She goes to parties with friends, works out daily, cooks really nice meals for herself and seems to just love life.

 

Most people couldn't even fathom suicidal thoughts or hard depression after a 9 month relationship but...I just think I'm so blind sided. I've never met someone that I liked so much before, that I wanted to work so hard for to become a better person, to literally treat them like they're the only thing that matters on this planet. I love her so much, and I just can't see myself getting over this. Worse, she keeps saying that maybe there's a chance for us to try things again in the future. But I can't hope for that because there's no saying if it'll happen or not.

 

When my friends are busy I literally go insane with obsessive thoughts, I cry incessantly and I can't stop. When I'm all alone I just can't stand anything, I hate this. And my friends are helping all they can, but they're busy. And I'm trying to help myself all I can by keeping busy, but when I'm alone I just break down.

 

I don't know what to do.

[maya1313]

I'm really sorry that it happens to you. I know it's hard. I'm going through the same and I don't know what advice I can give you. It's been three months since my breakup and I can tell you that it hurts a little bit less. I think it's going to take a lot of times, we need to accet that. It's okay to not be okay. You shouldn't be friends with her or talk to her until you're over her. It's just going to hurt you more and made the pain last longer. Try to find new hobbies, get out of your comfort zone. And cry when you needed. Sometimes I have day when everything's remind me of him so I'm sad the entire day. I find it helpful to just take 5-10 minutes, cry as much as you wanted and then get up and do something for you. You are gonna be happy again. Be well !