Relationships and needing space - how much is 'normal'?

[abitbroken]

I will go with catfeeder comment on this one.

I too, date for around 7 months and often need my personal space and got to the point to cancel plans (rarely) if my mood is really not into it at the time. I'm very fortunate my BF is understanding and never gives me a hard time on it, and few days later I can't wait to see him.

 

Agree --- but i think there is more wrong with this relationship - as far as the lack of respect he has for her, the pouting to get his way (either that pouting is by silence, or like she said in one thread "pulling a strop" and being dramatic), etc. And then she is overaccomodating towards him. A 7 month relationship should not have had so many breaks. To me, if you have to "take a break" that is agreed as a "break" - you should just break up. Having a day without communicating is not what i am talking about because you are busy - i mean the "let's take a break" consciously sort of thing.

 

Also, i am someone who needs their own space. I deal with it by not overscheduling myself and leaving myself plenty of alone time. He should be adult enough to do this. Instead, he was overinvolved than not involved. Someone who genuinely is introverted and needs space doesn't pout off, they let a relationship start a little more slowly.

[Batya33]

I will go with catfeeder comment on this one.

I too, date for around 7 months and often need my personal space and got to the point to cancel plans (rarely) if my mood is really not into it at the time. I'm very fortunate my BF is understanding and never gives me a hard time on it, and few days later I can't wait to see him.

 

Yes, if your BF is ok with your canceling plans at the last minute because you're not in the mood, then he might be a good person for you. And it sounds like you would be ok if he canceled last minute on you for that kind of reason or similar. But it really depends on how the other person feels about being canceled on as opposed to taking space where it doesn't inconvenience the other person.

[Pretzel]

Hey guys... thanks for all the comments on this one. So, I have an update. He got back in touch on Sunday night, called and i was too busy to answer and he left me a voicemail saying i love you and i'm sorry for being an idiot. I was genuinely busy and phone on silent, didn't see it, listened to it late and then didn't know what to say really, then an hour after that he followed up texting asking if I am angry. I responded 'No I'm not, thanks for your voicemail'. And he was just sending me messages saying he's glad and 'good' and 'you're so lovely'. But i was still distracted then so I didn't respond properly. This morning though I sent him a text saying i do still want to talk about what happened and just because I accept that he's sorry it doesn't mean the whole thing didn't affect me.

He suggested the same evening, so I went around and he asked how I felt about the whole thing and I just said I found it extremely strange to have to whole combination of him cancelling the plans we made in the week for the weekend + his distant behaviour on Saturday morning + just not contacting me for 24 hours after that. I said that it upset me and I couldn't understand it. And he said he was very sorry for cancelling plans and won't do it again and for the bad communication and that he won't do that again either. But he didn't find it strange that he disappeared for 24 hours. He said that he just needed to tune out for a little while. He said he felt that it was a normal thing to want to do sometimes, and that sad/depressed-sad on Saturday morning. And I said to him- just tell me that when I ask you then. Say you are sad. Don't say 'It's fine, I'm just silent' or whatever and make excuses. And he said OK.

 

Anyway, thankfully it was only 24 hours and not more, but still, it felt weird and I didn't expect it and even though he's said sorry several times now, I'm finding it hard to be as excited as in love as I have been in the last few weeks. It just put a damper on everything.

 

Just to clarify- we have only been on an actual relationship related break once for 2 weeks and that was 3 months ago bc I kept picking on things to fight about.

 

On this occasion he said that his need to disappear for 24 hours was 'nothing to do with us' and doesn't have any impact on 'us'.

 

He kept asking and pleading for me not to worry. I still do, though. Not because I think this means anything (we haven't argued about anything for months), but just about whether I can handle something like this in the longer term. I like consistency and daily contact and I told him that I don't think I'd be happy if he were to disappear days at a time. He said 'not days at a time...24 hours though?'

 

I just don't know.

[Batya33]

I guess it depends which 24 hours and how he handles it as in clues you in that he's going off the grid. I have a friend who for years has been going to a hotel overnight by herself about once a year. She is married with teenage daughters. But she tells her husband in advance so he can plan and then she goes. I love that she does that and she takes care of her need to me time. But o also know she'd never do that without telling her family. So I would ask him if he'd handle his need for space differently if you two had plans or if down the road you have a family - or pets you both care for or whatever. From all you wrote his apology seems genuine.

[katrina1980]

Pretzel, I read your update and am glad he got back to you.

 

However, you are obviously still not okay with it, can't let it go, still want to discuss, so allow me to give you my thoughts.

 

You asked in your original post "Who needs a few days lone time"?

 

Believe me, A LOT of people do. My own dad needed LOTS of lone time, and he was married to my mom for 15 years.

 

She never understood, which caused a lot of problems and they eventually divorced.

 

My dad often talked to me about this and advised me that in my RL's to always try and understand.

 

Because my dad was NOT happy for a long long time because of my mom's refusal to understand.

 

His new wife (my step mom) totally understood and she ended up being the love of his life and they were together until the day he died.

 

I am like my dad in many ways, because I too need lots of lone time. And yeah it's caused problems in a few of my relationships.

 

Needing lone time does NOT mean something is "wrong," or that you love your partner less, I think this the natural assumption for those who don't understand it and who don't need lone time themselves.

 

But it is incorrect.

 

Pretzel, seriously, if you don't make an effort to understand it (and him), and allow him his space from time to time without taking it personally, writing long letters explaining how disheartened, disappointed you feel, I will tell you now that your RL will NOT last.

 

I give him tons of credit for actually communicating to you what he NEEDS. And instead of understanding, you proceed to send him a long-winded emotional message telling him how disheartened/disappointed you are, that he needs to be better at communicating, essentially telling him that what HE needs occasionally to proceed forward in this relationship is WRONG.

 

I don't see this turning out well at all. Because he is NOT going to change, this is his nature, what he needs. And you have NOT provided him with a safe environment for him to meet those needs, and eventually it's going to impact your RL in a very negative way.

 

I really love catfeeder's signature line and have quoted it before myself. Cut and paste it to your fridge if you have to. Because it is RIGHT ON.

 

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

If you can't do this Pretzel, then end it. You're not compatible in this regard, and it will eventually destroy your RL.

 

Trust me on that because it's ruined a few of mine, other couples I know, not to mention my own parent's marriage.

 

Best of luck.

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, dating someone who couldn't handle radio silence for a day or two would feel like a suction cup, not a partner, to me.

 

Consider unraveling a bit on this, and just see how things go.

[katrina1980]

Speaking only for myself, dating someone who couldn't handle radio silence for a day or two would feel like a suction cup, not a partner, to me.

 

Consider unraveling a bit on this, and just see how things go.

 

I'm with you on that catfeeder.

 

What I absolutely don't get and perhaps Pretzel can explain is why did you include in your message that he needs to be better at communicating when he needs space?

 

Pretzel he DID explain, several times. Told you he needed some time alone, and explained why (his nature, what HE needs), not to worry that it has nothing to do with you. What more do you need? Serious question.

 

IMO right now he is compromising himself, his nature, because he doesnt want you to be mad, rock the boat, or lose you..

 

I've done that too in some of my relationships and it never turned out well.

 

I ended up feeling suffocated, resentful and controlled.

 

Is this what you want in your relationship?

[coconut5]

Yes, if your BF is ok with your canceling plans at the last minute because you're not in the mood, then he might be a good person for you. And it sounds like you would be ok if he canceled last minute on you for that kind of reason or similar. But it really depends on how the other person feels about being canceled on as opposed to taking space where it doesn't inconvenience the other person.

I did not say last minute and mentioned it was something rare to happen.

But yes, we are humans and I don't expect perfection. If he calls and says he is too tired and feels like going to bed soon instead of out for dinner, my response is: "No problem, babe. Rest well. Sweet dreams!"

I think it's about how confident you are and how comfortable you feel with your partner.

I'm talking specifically about wanting some time alone or even cancel plans if needed as I understand it's normal.

Now... If the relationship has other issues, it will change how we look at things.

[Batya33]

I did not say last minute and mentioned it was something rare to happen.

But yes, we are humans and I don't expect perfection. If he calls and says he is too tired and feels like going to bed soon instead of out for dinner, my response is: "No problem, babe. Rest well. Sweet dreams!"

I think it's about how confident you are and how comfortable you feel with your partner.

I'm talking specifically about wanting some time alone or even cancel plans if needed as I understand it's normal.

Now... If the relationship has other issues, it will change how we look at things.

I agree. But, I think canceling last minute for other than emergencies or illness if there is a set plan and the person is counting on you to be there is not ok and it's because I am reasonably secure that it's not ok - from a confident perspective I wouldn't be ok with being treated that way by a partner or a friend. Obviously if the couple -or friends -are cool with cancelling last minute for whatever reason then that's cool. I don't think it makes those people more confident or secure -it might mean they have more free time, or they don't mind changing a plan or not doing a plan because the other person doesn't feel like it. Could be many reasons.

In the OP's case they never had a specific plan. I think radio silence for a day or two is ok if done in a thoughtful way so the other person isn't worried about your well-being for example.

[abitbroken]

Hey guys... thanks for all the comments on this one. So, I have an update. He got back in touch on Sunday night, called and i was too busy to answer and he left me a voicemail saying i love you and i'm sorry for being an idiot. I was genuinely busy and phone on silent, didn't see it, listened to it late and then didn't know what to say really, then an hour after that he followed up texting asking if I am angry. I responded 'No I'm not, thanks for your voicemail'. And he was just sending me messages saying he's glad and 'good' and 'you're so lovely'. But i was still distracted then so I didn't respond properly. This morning though I sent him a text saying i do still want to talk about what happened and just because I accept that he's sorry it doesn't mean the whole thing didn't affect me.

He suggested the same evening, so I went around and he asked how I felt about the whole thing and I just said I found it extremely strange to have to whole combination of him cancelling the plans we made in the week for the weekend + his distant behaviour on Saturday morning + just not contacting me for 24 hours after that. I said that it upset me and I couldn't understand it. And he said he was very sorry for cancelling plans and won't do it again and for the bad communication and that he won't do that again either. But he didn't find it strange that he disappeared for 24 hours. He said that he just needed to tune out for a little while. He said he felt that it was a normal thing to want to do sometimes, and that sad/depressed-sad on Saturday morning. And I said to him- just tell me that when I ask you then. Say you are sad. Don't say 'It's fine, I'm just silent' or whatever and make excuses. And he said OK.

 

Anyway, thankfully it was only 24 hours and not more, but still, it felt weird and I didn't expect it and even though he's said sorry several times now, I'm finding it hard to be as excited as in love as I have been in the last few weeks. It just put a damper on everything.

 

Just to clarify- we have only been on an actual relationship related break once for 2 weeks and that was 3 months ago bc I kept picking on things to fight about.

 

On this occasion he said that his need to disappear for 24 hours was 'nothing to do with us' and doesn't have any impact on 'us'.

 

He kept asking and pleading for me not to worry. I still do, though. Not because I think this means anything (we haven't argued about anything for months), but just about whether I can handle something like this in the longer term. I like consistency and daily contact and I told him that I don't think I'd be happy if he were to disappear days at a time. He said 'not days at a time...24 hours though?'

 

I just don't know.

 

Has the issue with him hiding your relationship from his ex/still communicating with his ex been resolved?

[Pretzel]

Thanks everyone with the advice. I am trying to get by with this mentality and someone needing space. I can try to accept it but honestly, it's new territory for me and I'm finding it hard. We have been really close the last few weeks and all I have been used to is very close daily contact and talking every day and doing most things together.

 

My main issue is just the inconsiderate/insensitive way it comes across. I don't want to be that suffocating partner of course not, but I'd like him to compromise a little by at least being sensitive in THE WAY he tells me that he needs space, or is changing his mind last minute. I feel so pathetic to admit this but hurts my feelings and i get disappointed and i just want some reassurance its not personal or some acknowledgement that its a little annoying for me, some empathy. Am i being unreasonable? Honestly I just don't know. I just know that if I were letting someone down who clearly was looking forward to seeing me I'd at least show some remorse. I would say 'I'm so so sorry and I'll make it up to you but do I have decided that I need to be alone this weekend/tonight/this evening, so sorry' etc. He doesn't do that, he just sends me one line and I'm supposed to take that on board with no problems but instead I feel insulted by the flippant way that he does it and i get really hurt. This may be my own weakness, I don't know.

 

To be fair to him, he does EVENTUALLY get on my level - but at a much later time. He has been apologetic for the weekend the days after, and surprised me with a big tent in the middle of his lounge 2 nights ago, and it was a sweet gesture since we were supposed to go camping on the weekend which we didn't do. It's nice that he cares, and shows he would listen eventually, but i'm not sure i can't change his communication in that actual moment.

 

Yes, there are no issues about the ex anymore. She knows who I am and they don't speak anymore, i saw that she had stopped following on social media after he told her. It's not about that.

 

I'm just trying to work out how to handle the way i feel about all this and what to do. Naturally, i feel less close and fulfilled now than I did before when where everything just flowed naturally and we both wanted to see each other the exact same amounts, and the same times, and i didn't have to think twice about it. Since Friday I've felt really down about the 'break' even if it was only 2 days, and i feel it's changed this for me for a while, i can't get back to that intensity of feeling straight away, feel more guarded and sad that he doesn't want to see me as much as i want to see him and we are now on different levels.

 

​I hope somehow we get back to being on the same level at some point, somehow, either by me adapting, or him going back to the same level of eagerness and excitement of seeing me all the time like before. ​

[Batya33]

I would use I statements without apology and in a concise way. "I feel hurt (disrespected) when you change plans or tell me you don't want to see me because you need space because you don't acknowledge my feelings or that last minute I might not be able to make other plans, even with myself".

 

I also would give him twice the space he seems to need if he seems uncaring about its impact on you. Be busy after he takes his "space" - whether with others or with yourself. And not in a snarky way just be lighthearted "oh, glad you enjoyed your weekend -the next time I'm free is____" and he'll figure out that if he takes space that's cool but the consequences are you might not be available when he is feeling ready to see you again. Of course if he asks respectfully for space and at that time makes advance plans with you, then keep the plans.

[Jibralta]

I agree with Batya that you have to be forthright and unapologetic about what you want and need. Pretzel, at the end of the day, you need to be with someone who respects who and what you are. And vice-versa, of course. I don't think you (or anyone) can be happy if you spend your life accommodating another person's needs at the expense of your own. Tell him what you want, how you feel, and give him the opportunity to measure up.