Relationships and needing space - how much is 'normal'?

[Pretzel]

Hi everyone,

 

I haven't posted on here for relationship advice for a while because things have been going great the last few months and now there has been a bump, I am looking for answers. I would really like to have some perspectives on the issue of space in a relationship.

 

So, just to quickly summarise the last few months: I moved out of my parents place, settled into a new flat, have been really happy and able to do a lot more relationship-wise, and a few weeks ago the 'I love you' finally came after 7 months! And since then I've felt really secure in the relationship and stopped picking on small things because I've felt so fulfilled.

 

Except until last night / this morning.

 

We had planned to go for a potential one or two night get away maybe an hour or two out of the city. He talked about it during the week - it was his idea. But something we had talked about for a very long time, but never set a date. And on Wednesday he was saying we should do it on the weekend. So I said sure, but also added 'hey didn't you also want to get out of town by yourself for a bit too? I think you should do that, it's important'. And he said 'yes I would like to do that, but I can do that when you're away with your family in a couple of weeks. So I was like okay cool.

 

Then Friday after work comes - and by the way he'd generally been very distant all day anyway but I didn't think anything of it - and I asked him and the plan is. He said: I took your advice and decided to get away and see David in the countryside this weekend, I'll take some alone time. He made no apologies for cancelling our tentative plans but as he's been under a lot of work & family stress lately I decided not to say anything.

But he did say: Want to hang out this evening? I said sure. I can leave in the morning before you go.

 

So I did that, and he was so so so so different to the last few months that I could not understand it. He was less engaged, hardly asking me anything, less interested, distinctively less affectionate. I drank a lot my after work drinks so I crashed out pretty early, and thought that things will be better in the morning. But they were not. The more time that went by, the more I felt that he didn't want me to be there. His whole persona was also really different from usual. He usually puts on a podcast every single morning that he listens to while showering and eating breakfast, and I listen to with him when I'm there. He's usually at his absolute most affectionate in the mornings. This morning was different. He was dead silent, no podcast, wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me. It was so weird. I kept asking him what's up. He said: nothing. And i kept pressing him for a better answer: nothing, I'm just processing the week. And I'd call him out on him behaving differently and all he could say is: I just don't have an answer for you. And he also seemed to be irritated by the fact that I was asking him, which hurt my feelings because I thought I deserved a better explanation than what he was giving me for being so distant the last 24 hours for no reason at all.

 

I realised that I wasn't getting anywhere with asking him this, so I decided to leave. He said before I left: 'I love you, I just need time alone sometimes. Maybe more than most people need time alone.' I told him that is fine, but it's the poor communication which i find hurtful. He had nothing to say. I texted him later on explaining again that I felt really disheartened by how he's been and 'is it that hard to just communicate with me'. He said that he's trying and that I shouldn't make it a big deal 'it's nothing i promise, trust me'. And: 'Can you just give me a few days, and everything will be fine?'

 

Now, this is what worries me. Who needs a FEW DAYS of alone time? And he's done such a U-turn for how eager he has been (consistently eager) to see me all the time and involve me in his life and consult me on everything. And now suddenly for no real reason he's just deciding he wants to be alone for a few days and not explaining what that means (do we just stop calling and texting each other for a few days?).

 

In the end I wrote him a very long message to explain that I'd like us in the future to be better about communicating with one another about when we need space instead of hurting each other's feelings. I said 'we' instead of 'you' to make it sound less accusatory. And I also pointed out that I was disappointed that he cancelled our weekend trip so late minute. He wrote back: 'That was inconsiderate of me. I'm sorry. I love you.'

 

And although we ended it there and I thanked him for listening, I have to say that I'm still feeling worried and disappointed by how he acted and the fact that he has the potential to flip 180 without me expecting it, I just don't know what to make of it and it really puts a damper on everything. And I also don't like the fact that he can act like that and just say 'sorry' and expect it to fix everything. Of course, I'd rather an apology and him getting it than not, but why am I still feeling hurt by this episode and thinking about it? Is it normal, or do I have an issue with not being able to let things go?

 

He hasn't contacted me since this exchange in the morning.

[thealchemist]

How long have you two been together?

[Pretzel]

How long have you two been together?

 

About 8 months.

 

I get the need for alone time - we have been spending a lot of time together recently and very much involved in one another's lives. But I've never heard of anyone say they need to disappear for days at a time for things to be back on track again. Normally it's 'I'm gonna chill at home tonight or go see my friends for a couple of days' and it doesn't become a major event. The thing that concerns me is how much he changed his behaviour towards me (essentially by shutting down) and giving me no heads up.

[Jibralta]

I think something is going on with him. Obviously, I know nothing about your relationship. But when people change their behavior like that, something strange is afoot.

[thealchemist]

Does he do this a lot?

 

Well it could be a lot of different things but I would handle them all the same personally.

 

You kind of just have to wait it out. I agree it is selfish to be that way but you don't know the situation. Pushing hard trying to get it out of him isn't working and will only make it worse.

 

It could also be something he is having to process a lot and isn't even anything between you two.

 

But don't over think it. Don't push a lot either. Just be supportive.

 

But after he gets back you have every right to ask him what was up. That is when I would approach it. Try to get him to open up when he gets back and is better. If he isn't better when your gets back then I might worry.

[Batya33]

"In the end I wrote him a very long message to explain that I'd like us in the future to be better about communicating with one another about when we need space instead of hurting each other's feelings. I said 'we' instead of 'you' to make it sound less accusatory. And I also pointed out that I was disappointed that he cancelled our weekend trip so late minute. He wrote back: 'That was inconsiderate of me. I'm sorry. I love you.'"

 

My two cents - ironic that you are asking for better communication and you choose typing as a way to express a really important relationship issue? I agree that the way he behaved and took space was inconsiderate. I don't think it's about comparing to how much space people need - the real issue is his thoughtlessness in blowing off your plans and asking for space in the way he did. If he changed that behavior then the amount of space he needed, I could understand. But it's about you too -whether that amount of space works for you.

[Pretzel]

@Batya the reason I chose typing was because i was getting nowhere in person (we were just going around in circles) and this was a way i could best articulate my thoughts and even if he didn't see the point of my feelings now he could go back and read it later - that is what i said in my message.

 

I think I agree - I could deal with the need for space if he made me feel a bit more respected when letting me know. It's the way he changed and took away any control from me by withdrawing that was a bit of a shock, especially as things have been really great with us lately and he even commented on that last week too, saying how amazed he is we haven't argued in weeks and how things have been so amazing with us. And then this. He has work stress, some family stress (arranging carers for his Dad etc) I know he's under a lot of pressure. So I if it's due to those issues, I do understand why he needs time alone to destress. It just feels like he disappeared very suddenly, and I don't like it how it all happened and how he sprung it up on me by me having to prod and ask him than him volunteering the information.

[Jeetsun]

Yeah something is off here. He's pulling back and not wanting to talk to you about it. More often than not, this kind of cold shoulder behavior leads to break ups. That may not be the case, but If I were you, I would start to consider that as being a possibility and try to mentally prepare for that.

[jujusamples]

I think he just needs space. To be honest with you, everyone needs space once in awhile.

 

Yes, it's wrong of him to cancel on you last minute (I'd be upset as well). I myself sometimes feels suffocated and just need some time to myself. It's not the fact that I don't enjoy the person's company, it's just I just need space.

 

I think he communicated it to you, but you can't accept that he just needs space. When I'm in the time-out mode, I don't talk much either. I would just say, I need some time to myself. My husband usually get's it and vice versa.

 

When someone says they need space, it's important to just let it be. The more you push for answers, the more you are pushing the person away. Hence, he probably doesn't have an answer nor does he want to talk about the relationship when he just wants space.

 

I say, let it be, give him his space and talk to him when he gets back. You could communicate a lot better when his mind is clear and is present. You can not communicate with someone when they are in time-out mode.

[abitbroken]

Its odd to me that he talked about a getaway for the two of you....never set a date -- and then finally settled on one and said "hey, 'let's go this weekend" And then you turned him down - instead of saying "Great, let's go!" you said, "didn't you want to go away by yourself??" If he is someone that needs space, maybe the weeks he didn't go on a getaway with you he took space here and there to gear up to spend a weekend with you - and it came crashing down. If i ask someone to do something with me and it took a lot to ask me and they say "shouldn't you be doing something else instead' - its basically a rejection. If ths guy took awhile to say the L word - he is just someone that takes time to arrive at things

 

 

I think I agree - I could deal with the need for space if he made me feel a bit more respected when letting me know. It's the way he changed and took away any control from me

 

So - you need to be in control - he is allowed to have space when he asks for it or has it in a way you feel you are in control of the situation and now because he is taking it not just when he has permission from you - that's not cool.

 

Honestly, i think that you need to work on needing to be in control - its like you declined his getaway weekend with you because you didn't think of it.

[thealchemist]

Using the word "we" when the person knows you mean "you" isn't less accusatory. I know a lot of people do it but it comes off insincere to me. If you want better communication with him I would try it by being direct and not being roundabout.

 

I do think he is being kind of selfish but once again, you don't know what is going on. Being cold and distant for a day might well just be how you see him. Maybe he is really withdrawn and not in the moment. I wouldn't base a lot on that.

 

You portray him as being pretty decent. Unless there are other things going on you didn't post about, I wouldn't worry.

[Starlight925]

I read your prior posts, and it looks like you took a break about 2 months ago. What was the result there? How long was that break? What were the reasons? Who initiated it? Who came back to whom?

 

I'm asking to see if there's a pattern here.

[abitbroken]

I just reread old posts ---

 

Why are you still with this guy? He threw a fit about your living situation. He hides the fact from his "fragile" ex that he is even dating you, etc. I would have been done with this guy long ago. I would deal with your own issues and leave this guy behind. This isn't about a guy that just needs a little space - there have been a series of much bigger ongoing issues

[thealchemist]

Ok. Previous posts read. Omit all my comments. Guy is bad news. That fact that you are still with him brings a bigger question. Why do you think you deserve this jerk?

[Batya33]

I understand why you typed instead of tried again to speak with him and agree with the others that he is bad news.

[Pretzel]

We went on a break in February that last 2 weeks and he got back in touch. That was different, as that break was directly linked to the relationship and we agreed on the terms beforehand. That was when we used to argue a lot and he wanted to try the break in order to break out pattern and come out of the cycle of arguments. It actually worked - with other things.

 

So that's what I meant by the last few months have been really great. We haven't argued since and worked on all the problems that we had before - he has finally came fully clean to his ex about me, they now don't speak and he is okay with that, he has posted pictures of me online and is comfortable with that now and declaring our relationship status on social media, he finally said the L word. @abitbroken i think you were right when you said he takes a while to come around to doing things, but he does do them eventually.

 

Yes, he was quite OTT about me not moving out and having credit card debt, but I think he just liked me and was worried about me as we didn't know each other very well at that point. He trusts me more now. I'm not making excuses for him, I just feel that he wanted to make our relationship work and became stressed by the obstacles.

 

This guy really is not a jerk - I have dated jerks before (so know what it means when one is a jerk!) and he is a good guy. Please don't use such strong language about someone I am still with! he's been decent towards me the advice i am seeking in this point is just concerning his poor communication in these situations.

 

I will add though that he has bipolar and takes medication for it. I don't know if that has anything to do with his intense need for space every now and again, but I just thought I'd add that in there in case anyone can relate.

[Starlight925]

Needing space isn't the issue. Everyone needs, and should take, space once in a while.

 

The issue is the lack of communication prior to this particular space-taking. The issue is, you thought you had tentative plans, but then you brought up going with his friends, which he ended up doing, which should be fine. Then, just prior to his leaving, he became distant and aloof.

 

However, trying to over-communicate with someone, whether it's in person, text, phone, can cause them to just back away and not communicate at all. He may feel like nothing he can say will make you feel better, so he might as well stay silent.

 

All the communications you're trying to have with him might also be bringing back to him all the little arguments you had before your break. He might be thinking (maybe even subconsciously), "Oh, here she goes again", and this causes him to shut off.

[thealchemist]

Sorry I called him a jerk, might have been presumptuous. I did read your previous posts though. You don't paint a flattering picture of your relationship. Many red flags in previous posts that would have made me leave this guy. Best of luck to you.

[scheme]

He has an "avoidant attachment style." Get the book by Jeb Kinnison called "avoidant." It will help you understand how we works. Trust me 100% on this. I'm dating an avoidant right now and it sucks.

[Batya33]

It might be fun to play psychologist and therapist and analyze him but I'd leave it to the professionals lest you get tempted to label him and excuse behavior you're not comfortable with. I think he was thoughtless about the plan you see making and I think it's telling that jos evaluation of the relationship is "we haven't been arguing ". It's positive that he feels he loves you but his actions in the situation were not loving actions.

[MissCanuck]

This combined with the previous posts about him, and I don't think you're going to be able to have a healthy, long-term relationship with this man.

 

Maybe he's not a jerk, but there have been too many red flags along the way that indicate there will probably be more trouble ahead. This sudden change in plans and next to zero communication about it is a symptom of a larger problem.

 

Sorry OP, but whatever his reasoning about this weekend, this just doesn't look good.

[Rezie]

I've not gone thtough previous topics but could it really be so simple that something happened work, school, family etc. That made his act weird and need space. Maybe he wasn't ready to talk about it with you and instead of going away with you for the weekend and being all absent he wanted to be alone? Sure if this was the case then he should have said that something is up but he doesnt want to talk about it. Unfortunately for some this is hard especially if the partner is curious and pushes things.

[catfeeder]

Everyone has had an occasional bad mood. The last thing I'd want to do is nitpick a partner's to death. It would teach him that I'm not a safe person to be in a relationship with during one of those, because I can't allow a BF to relax and go quiet when he wants to.

 

We're talking one lousy day, right? I'd pull back and leave him alone about it. There's nothing more exhausting than needing to explain myself to someone else when I'm fatigued and in need of space. That amplifies the problem rather than allowing it to resolve itself.

 

Read my sig, and head high.

[abitbroken]

Pretzel, You are framing things in a positive manner now - but at the time of the different incidents you were pretty gutted about it - the man blowing up because you wouldn't move out of your parents house (and you had good reason not to - you owned a place that you rented out to someone, you were working on paying down debt) because he wanted more sex, he used manipulative language about it too "you don't care about us" etc. - the man hiding your relationship from his ex and making excuses that she was "so fragile and couldn't handle it"

 

you are really "explaining away" things when you should be with someone better matched to you. MOST guys would be thrilled if they were seeking a woman for the long term that she was being fiscally responsible and had a good plan.

 

Would you not want to be with someone lower maintenance - where its not all this arguing and taking breaks because you just can't communicate with him - he is the one who initiates the breaks - but what good is a relationship where the other person blows up all the time about such selfish things?

[coconut5]

I will go with catfeeder comment on this one.

I too, date for around 7 months and often need my personal space and got to the point to cancel plans (rarely) if my mood is really not into it at the time. I'm very fortunate my BF is understanding and never gives me a hard time on it, and few days later I can't wait to see him.