Can't heal because of checking up on my ex

[Annia]

I remember thinking, Well, I can keep going like this. Or, I can change.

 

Change was a must. There was no way I could sustain the dramatic cycle of attachment and abandonment I had been creating for myself.

 

So happy now. Single for two years and still going. Not as much hanky panky. The difference is: this is by choice, my choice. I go on dates, and I keep learning every day and with each date.

 

A few years ago, change was dramatic. It set me on a positive, forward-looking, life-affirming path. Impacted everything. Glad glad glad.

 

I'm taking inspiration from you. Besides this past experience I had, I've been single for years. I've had dates, flings and everything but never a committed relationship. However it wasn't by choice. I was needy, sad and relied on men to build my fragile self esteem and to get validation. So, like you, I'd sustain a cycle of attachment and abandonment that left me more and more broken inside. However I'm changing and on a path to self love and emotional independence.

 

Sometimes we need to hurt so bad that there's no other way besides saying to ourselves "It's enough!". Pain sometimes is our wake up call for deeper issues and symptoms of things that aren't ok with us and that we need to work on.

[Waraqqa]

Sometimes we need to hurt so bad that there's no other way besides saying to ourselves "It's enough!". Pain sometimes is our wake up call for deeper issues and symptoms of things that aren't ok with us and that we need to work on.

 

Ha. Perhaps that's why I sabotaged the relationship beyond any repair, and now there is simply no way back. For as long as he loved me, - despite the distance, despite limited chances I'd go there, despite some little things that I felt were not quite fitting between us - I was always tempted to hang on to him and just couldn't cut. Now there is nothing but to accept the end. I still wish the end was better. I always get more bothered about HOW I end things than the fact of the end itself.

 

At the bottom line, I suppose all of life and any chance of peace come to this: if one can change and improve something, one should do everything to do that. If one cannot change anything, there is nothing but to accept it - any fretting, strutting, worrying or obsessing is utterly useless. It's like, a painful thing already happened, and one cannot undo it. So, at least it's better to leave it at that rather than adding more pain by going through pointless circles in mind. And yet my mind goes there - esp when there are so many triggers. Not things, but streets, sun, the train, lake, etc.

[bbogdanov]

I appreciate all of your opinions! Every post here helps me understand myself and life as a whole. I've never been so aware of my feelings before, yet I experience the whole spectrum in no particular order and it's an awful rollercoaster:

 

- I feel sad without apparent reason (I guess it's subconscious); I think about it then and I feel like I miss something, like my life isn't complete without my ex; I can't say I miss any other thing in life - I have a loving and supporting family, I have a couple of good friends I can count on, I have a good education and a decent job, I have some hobbies (cars, swimming, reading), I am in good health (knock on wood) etc. but not having a partner in life upsets me a lot

 

- I feel nostalgia for the past times with my ex especially now that the summer is coming; I remember all the good times spent with her, I remember every little detail as I have a particularly good memory when it comes to these experiences; I miss all these little moments in life, all this sharing and connection

 

- I feel angry, very angry; I feel betrayed somehow, I feel not appreciated enough; I see couples everywhere and I ask myself "why the hell did our relationship not work out? why did she left me, why did she give up on me? I doubt all these people live a problem-free life without fighting each other, without disagreeing on different things, without building resentment... yet they manage to go through it?!";

Take note: this feeling is not connected to any logic or a real situation - I take most of the responsibilty for the breakup. I was rude sometimes, I did not appreciate what I got at the time, I did not show enough love/affection, I neglected her sometimes, I did not support her etc. I mean logically I deserve my fate, I believe I was given a punishment I earned honestly. Yet this anger is a big part of my life recently, maybe it's based on my ego??

 

- I feel unworthy; I think I can't find such love anymore, I feel I won't deserve to be loved anymore, I feel like complete s**t; I feel not mature enough, I feel broken based on my condition (I suffer from depression/panic disorder since 15 years old) and I don't know if anybody would be willing to accept me as such

 

This whirlpool of emotions makes me suffer hard, some of the emotions contradict each other and it makes things even worse but I have no options - I will get through it

[bbogdanov]

A little update. I don't know where all these emotions from my previous post went. It's strange. Just a couple of weeks later I feel NOTHING.

 

I don't feel sad. I feel a bit optimistic. I don't think about the future and don't make some grand plans. I live for the day and I enjoy it. I feel calm.

 

Memories fade. Even if I try to remember some of the good old days (I try not to), I don't recall all the details and my emotions are mostly neutral. I don't pine for these moments.

 

I appreciate myself. I try to raise my self-esteem as there are some things I can be proud of. I deserve the best, like everybody else.

 

I feel very strange, like I'm in the middle. Like there is just one step left and I will cut the connection with my past. It's a little confusing. I try to find a way to destroy that tiny hope left. The image in my mind that someday we will be together again. I think once it's gone, there will be no going back. It's even scary to some degree. All these months I was full of hope and didn't see the future without my ex at all. Now that I reached acceptance (sort of) I have to overcome this fear and put an end to it...

[LonelyJedi]

Believe me I know how you feel... but you must BLOCK her completely out of your life.

 

She has chosen to cut you out, you must do the same.

If she wants to reach out to you, she will find a way.

 

I felt the same way for a couple months, but I had to block her completely from all digital avenues. I have chosen to not block her phone number because, well, she can still get a hold of me if she wants to and I have trained myself to not text her first because of her cruelness. I am showing her what life is like without me in it. As I told my ex-fiance when she left, "You text ME when you want me back in your life."

 

 

You cannot heal the deep wound if you keep poking it and ripping the band-aid off. I KNOW it is hard, the memories are really tough to endure. My cousin said to create new memories to "override" the previous ones with your ex. It will be painful, but eventually they will fade.

[eidetic]

It took me awhile to do it but the only way to stop is to just do it and make it difficult to reverse.

 

A friend of mine made a script that turns off his computer whenever he visits her page. So that through negative reinforcement he would learn to stop.

 

Your friend needs to crowdfund, develop, and sell that as a phone app.

 

That is a moneymaker.

[eidetic]

A little update. I don't know where all these emotions from my previous post went. It's strange. Just a couple of weeks later I feel NOTHING.

 

I don't feel sad. I feel a bit optimistic. I don't think about the future and don't make some grand plans. I live for the day and I enjoy it. I feel calm.

 

Memories fade. Even if I try to remember some of the good old days (I try not to), I don't recall all the details and my emotions are mostly neutral. I don't pine for these moments.

 

I appreciate myself. I try to raise my self-esteem as there are some things I can be proud of. I deserve the best, like everybody else.

 

I feel very strange, like I'm in the middle. Like there is just one step left and I will cut the connection with my past. It's a little confusing. I try to find a way to destroy that tiny hope left. The image in my mind that someday we will be together again. I think once it's gone, there will be no going back. It's even scary to some degree. All these months I was full of hope and didn't see the future without my ex at all. Now that I reached acceptance (sort of) I have to overcome this fear and put an end to it...

 

OP, this has been a seriously great thread -- so much wisdom shared here, and look how far you've come! It is scary, to some degree, and yet you are facing forward with consideration and courage. Stay this course!

 

Those times when you are feeling nothing? That's you healing. Not just emotionally, but physiologically too. This rest will do you a world of good.

 

Your most recent update made me feel really happy; I think you're onto something good.

[bbogdanov]

Thanks! I hope I am close to complete healing. I know it's not a linear process and I've experienced that in the previous months. So I really hope I don't go back to some of the other stages as I feel calm and happy at the moment.

[LonelyJedi]

Your friend needs to crowdfund, develop, and sell that as a phone app.

 

That is a moneymaker.

 

That "friend" is me

 

Really helped me a lot. I only checked my ex's FaceBook once and my computer shut down immediately.

It is funny how the pain to turn my computer back on & wait for it to boot back up was worse than checking up on my ex.... haha!

[jennylove]

That "friend" is me

 

Really helped me a lot. I only checked my ex's FaceBook once and my computer shut down immediately.

It is funny how the pain to turn my computer back on & wait for it to boot back up was worse than checking up on my ex.... haha!

 

You have a billion dollar invention for real