Can't heal because of checking up on my ex

[reinventmyself]

Two things.

 

First off, you need to treat this like an addiction. Much like an alcoholic or drug addict, you must abstain.

One look/ one drink and you've fallen off the wagon and need to start all over again.

Every moment/every day you resist you are that much closer to the other side.

I don't know about you but I would want to get this behind me a.s.a.p. So if you have the choice (and you do) don't check on her.

 

Secondly, studies show that looking at pictures or voices that remind you light up nerve centers in your brain.

You awaken these nerve centers and keep them alive by keeping track of her and continually exposing yourself.

The goal here is to detach and you do so by blocking all means of communication and all means of checking on her.

 

Recognize like most addicts it's much like detoxing and it gets harder before it gets better, but you commit to getting this behind you.

[Annia]

Two things.

 

First off, you need to treat this like an addiction. Much like an alcoholic or drug addict, you must abstain.

One look/ one drink and you've fallen off the wagon and need to start all over again.

Every moment/every day you resist you are that much closer to the other side.

I don't know about you but I would want to get this behind me a.s.a.p. So if you have the choice (and you do) don't check on her.

 

Secondly, studies show that looking at pictures or voices that remind you light up nerve centers in your brain.

You awaken these nerve centers and keep them alive by keeping track of her and continually exposing yourself.

The goal here is to detach and you do so by blocking all means of communication and all means of checking on her.

 

Recognize like most addicts it's much like detoxing and it gets harder before it gets better, but you commit to getting this behind you.

 

This is a great analogy. These things really work like an addiction, so abstinence and enduring the withdrawal until it passes it's the best way to overcome it.

[bbogdanov]

You are right, I too feel it's like some kind of addiction. I saw these studies that used fMRI to assess recently broken up people who were presented with images of their significant ones ("dumpers"). It turned out that the brain area associated with physical pain coincides with the one whose activity is high in the MRI images.

Now I have to "just" heal my addiction as it makes me suffer for real...

[IAmFCA]

Why hold on to the suffering? What purpose does it serve? It IS serving a purpose, else you'd let it go. Maybe it validates you, proves your affection (as if it matters)...

[bbogdanov]

What does "validates you" mean? I don't know why I hold on to the suffering, I try to understand...

[Waraqqa]

I'm not sure if people actually "choose" suffering. Sometimes they do, if they are trying to prove something in their own mind. Other times they may genuinely want to let go, but it may be hard to do so when the mind is full of memories. Of course, detoxing is needed. But don't expect relief to be instant, even with full NC and no snooping, it could gradual getting better.

 

I don't know how much I can advise given that I'm in a funk myself and haven't gone full NC (more like very low LC). The reason I didn't was b/c the break up was of smth bad I did, and I wanted to "smoothen" it over, and then disappear. To some extent it worked, as I was able to heal some of the damage I caused him and he is doing better now. But I have to take care of myself, and am gathering strength to cut all ties at least for a year or so, even if I hope to be able to be friends after.

 

 

I can testify to the fact that not snooping helps a lot. My ex doesn't use his FB, and there is nothing much to look at Viber - he doesn't even have a photo. But back when I used to occasionally check out his OKC page, I had a major breakdown and a near-panic attacks with tears and all kinds of stuff. When I saw his new photos (not for me, for some hypothetical new women), I felt so awful and couldn't stop crying. And I couldn't trust myself not to visit his page - so I deleted my own account and went off of it. It actually helped.

 

I also got rid of all the things he'd given me, b/c it was so bitter-sweet using them or even seeing them around. Now the only thing I've left from him is a somewhat recent gift from him which he sent me as a "friend" (a Kindle). I don't use it b/c it feels weird, so it's tucked away until I decide what to do - possibly give it away to someone.

 

Then trying to get busy and living life one day - even one hour at a time, going FWD, having new experiences and impressions. On most days I only have a few hours when I feel somewhat normal - not happy, but just ok, without pain/grief/anger/regret etc.

 

I don't know if you have that, but my big big problem is the memories in my head that are so strong. Even if I put them aside during daytime, these memories come in my sleep at night and in early mornings: both his former love for me/sweet times AND the painful rejection. The contrast of these nearly kills me every morning as I wake up, and I start most days with a "knife in my stomach" feeling and tears.

 

Also, he moved to another country whilst I am in the same place, where everything reminds me of him - the lake, the train, some shops and streets. I wish I was the one to have moved away instead I wish he could experience what I feel at least for one full day

 

I have no idea how what it will take or how long to get better.

[bbogdanov]

The memories are a big problem for me, too. I am a person who likes doing retrospection and I have a good memory even for little details, so, yes - I remember all the good times with her, I remember every tiny bit of them. It makes me sad, enourmously sad. It's like some kind of nostalgia, like some dream...

[Annia]

What does "validates you" mean? I don't know why I hold on to the suffering, I try to understand...

 

Maybe you identify yourself with that suffering and make it part of your identity... the identity of the broken hearted lover who loved a lot but was mistreated. I know that for a very long time I identified myself with that, my broken heart and my issues were part of my identity. I had to (and I'm still doing so) to teach myself that I'm much more behind that and that that is just a small part of my existence.

[bbogdanov]

Well, I think I am not trying to make it part of my identity. I am not some kind of martyr. I was not mistreated at all, I am more responsible for the breakup than she is. I just can't resist that addiction to be in her life, even just "virtually", checking what she's up to...

[Annia]

Like the others said you need to treat this like an addiction.

 

You have to decrease all possible changes for relapse, like deleting it for good if necessary. I know it's very hard for me to resist "checking up", so I had to delete him and I even had to come to this forum to make a commitment of not checking up on him for at least a month. I associate checking up (or contact in general) to fire. So checking up is like putting my hands on fire. I know it's going to hurt.

[IAmFCA]

When I was addicted to a man and the relationship had to end, I found that writing here fueled my addiction. I found that not writing here deprived me of the accountability I needed.

 

Consider starting a private journal, or an open journal, where you can dump your thoughts. Use it every time you have the impulse.

 

Replace your addiction with other habits.

 

Learn more about yourself: what part of you is like an open circuit so that it feels that it NEEDS this connection? In me, I found an unmet need from childhood. The idea of the child inside still trying to protect herself from pain while also proving that she was indeed loved -- this was very powerful for me. The child's needs were filled; I needed only to let her know. And if they weren't, certainly this person / my idea of this person / my addiction to this person was not the answer.

 

Something inside you thinks it needs this attachment. Find that part of you and correct its logic.

[Annia]

When I was addicted to a man and the relationship had to end, I found that writing here fueled my addiction. I found that not writing here deprived me of the accountability I needed.

 

Consider starting a private journal, or an open journal, where you can dump your thoughts. Use it every time you have the impulse.

 

Replace your addiction with other habits.

 

Learn more about yourself: what part of you is like an open circuit so that it feels that it NEEDS this connection? In me, I found an unmet need from childhood. The idea of the child inside still trying to protect herself from pain while also proving that she was indeed loved -- this was very powerful for me. The child's needs were filled; I needed only to let her know. And if they weren't, certainly this person / my idea of this person / my addiction to this person was not the answer.

 

Something inside you thinks it needs this attachment. Find that part of you and correct its logic.

 

This is very powerful indeed. I got a very good advice in this forum to talk to my "child self" and it helped me a lot. I went back to moments where I felt hurt or neglected and as my "adult self" start teaching the child how to see the situation, how to love and forgive herself and how to let the "adult self" who knows better lead. It was a very powerful exercise.

[reinventmyself]

I'm not sure if people actually "choose" suffering. Sometimes they do, if they are trying to prove something in their own mind. .

 

I wouldn't say that most people are consciously choosing to suffer. I believe it's just an attempt to stay attached. They are compelled by the intense cravings and desperate

to relieve the pain. If they can make the connection that their actions are adding to their suffering, they can then choose differently.

[Waraqqa]

Maybe you identify yourself with that suffering and make it part of your identity... the identity of the broken hearted lover who loved a lot but was mistreated. I know that for a very long time I identified myself with that, my broken heart and my issues were part of my identity. I had to (and I'm still doing so) to teach myself that I'm much more behind that and that that is just a small part of my existence.

 

This identity insight has some point. I realise - and did for a long time - that a big, if not the biggest part of the problem is how I see myself - the fact that, since he doesn't love me anymore, it feels like the person I was with him last year or who I am now (although I don't know exactly who I am now) is not valid anymore, like she is no good and shouldn't exist.

 

So, perhaps the trick is to create and build a new identity somehow, even if it might be a process and difficult to see in the moment...

[Anna Bell]

This is very powerful indeed. I got a very good advice in this forum to talk to my "child self" and it helped me a lot. I went back to moments where I felt hurt or neglected and as my "adult self" start teaching the child how to see the situation, how to love and forgive herself and how to let the "adult self" who knows better lead. It was a very powerful exercise.

This is exactly what I did this morning. I sat in front a mirror, having dialogues with myself, spoke to the inner child, looked through my eyes. It was very therapeutic.

[Anna Bell]

The memories are a big problem for me, too. I am a person who likes doing retrospection and I have a good memory even for little details, so, yes - I remember all the good times with her, I remember every tiny bit of them. It makes me sad, enourmously sad. It's like some kind of nostalgia, like some dream...

I've having this exact pain like you're suffering too. checking on ex is only making us feel more upset. The healing is getting prolonged. One thing I can help myself is to stop checking on the ex(don't even want to say "my"), stop analysing him and stop reading information relating to him. I'm sure one day, not sure how long though, we will be feeling better. As others said it is an addiction.

[bbogdanov]

I will decrease all possible changes for relapse - I deleted messenger history and intend to not open Viber app at all. As you said checking up is breaking NC which is not a good thing. I don't want to put my hands on fire. It hurts A LOT!

 

I will think about the thing in me that needs this attachment and when I find it - I will try to correct its logic. It is really very powerful advice.

[IAmFCA]

I will decrease all possible changes for relapse - I deleted messenger history and intend to not open Viber app at all. As you said checking up is breaking NC which is not a good thing. I don't want to put my hands on fire. It hurts A LOT!

 

I will think about the thing in me that needs this attachment and when I find it - I will try to correct its logic. It is really very powerful advice.

 

I applaud you taking these courageous steps. Good on ya.

[bbogdanov]

Well, I don't think it is so courageous, I need to do it or at least try. I hope time comes when I will remember these days and will wonder how could I be so weak and how could I suffer so badly about a girl. Till then - it will be a constant battle with myself...

[Anna Bell]

Well, I don't think it is so courageous, I need to do it or at least try. I hope time comes when I will remember these days and will wonder how could I be so weak and how could I suffer so badly about a girl. Till then - it will be a constant battle with myself...

That day I deleted and blocked everything of the ex, I let myself cry as hard as possible, then I took the action while tearing down. Afterwards felt numb for a while, then it became calmer. I still put his name in whatsapp but nothing came up, then

this habit stopped. We need to accept the truth that they're gone, for good.

[ShatteredMan]

Well, I don't think it is so courageous, I need to do it or at least try. I hope time comes when I will remember these days and will wonder how could I be so weak and how could I suffer so badly about a girl. Till then - it will be a constant battle with myself...

 

And it will be a battle you will eventually win. Just because you're suffering (like we all have) DOES NOT MAKE YOU WEAK. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you're in pain, dealing with grief and to know that you have a long road ahead in terms of healing.

 

However, once you've learned how strong you can be from this healing and growth process (hopefully), no one can take it away from you. More importantly, you will redefine what you will accept and not accept in your next relationship long before you get a stage where you are invested emotionally to the point where might end up going through this process again.

[IAmFCA]

I remember thinking, Well, I can keep going like this. Or, I can change.

 

Change was a must. There was no way I could sustain the dramatic cycle of attachment and abandonment I had been creating for myself.

 

So happy now. Single for two years and still going. Not as much hanky panky. The difference is: this is by choice, my choice. I go on dates, and I keep learning every day and with each date.

 

A few years ago, change was dramatic. It set me on a positive, forward-looking, life-affirming path. Impacted everything. Glad glad glad.

[Whocares479]

You are making incredible steps to recovery. Sometimes you must go out of your comfort zone in order to get better. You can not expect change if you're unwilling to change certain actions. Especially actions that cause self torture and suffering. Don't you want this to be over? Don't you want to feel free? Aren't you tired of that ball that drops in your stomach when you look on her social media? If all the answers to those questions are yes, you must use every bit of strength and willpower you have not to check up on her life. You can be as happy as her if you put in a strong effort. It will take time, and will be hard but the result is definitely worth it (side note: she may not be as happy as she seem, pictures on social medias are usually a facade). Sorry for taking forever answering your quedtion, I haven't checked this site in a few days ! I am honored you wanted my opinion! Keep up the great work and keep me updated!

[Waraqqa]

True. Sometimes I also think of the concept known as neuroplasticity. I may have mentioned it on this forum before. The reason for addiction is partly due to those strong neural pathways in the brain. We feel what we feel, b/c we live in those brains and that's how they got physically structured. But they can and do get restructured. As the past goes further into the past, the memories and urges fade - especially if we don't dwell on them but get distracted with other things, and start building new neural pathways. The the old ones gradually weaken and possibly even disappear. Brain is a malleable organ. Which means that we are malleable and very changeable.

[Annia]

Well, I don't think it is so courageous, I need to do it or at least try. I hope time comes when I will remember these days and will wonder how could I be so weak and how could I suffer so badly about a girl. Till then - it will be a constant battle with myself...

 

We all go through it. Sometimes there are situations that makes us loose our ground, even if rationally we know that it shouldn't be that way. It just is and all we can do is learn from it.

 

And it's courageous to face ourselves and abandon our addictions. I know it's hard, I'm also "detoxing" myself from my addiction and sometimes I feel strong urges of checking up. Checking up on him is at the distance of a simple click. But short term "satisfaction" of knowing what they're up to precedes a great pain that is avoidable and it's not worth it.