Can't heal because of checking up on my ex

[bbogdanov]

- 6 months after breakup

- The longest period of NC I managed to achieve: a little bit over 3 weeks (yeah, sucker...)

- Constant checking up on my ex in Viber, I just can't/don't want to delete/block/forget

 

Everytime she changes her picture, I feel like complete mess. The moment I see her - I get hot flashes, I feel sad/depressed, memories come back, etc. I see a person I shared my life with so distant now... I see her like some GODDESS (ugh).

 

Now she is on a vacation at the Canary Islands for 10 days (she had never left the country before). Why am I saying this? TWO things:

 

- It makes me angry; While we were together, she never had so much time to spend with me for a vacation or something like that, we were always in a "hurry" because of her own business; I feel like fool

 

- It makes me sad; I see her now living a "new" life, free and happy; I am sad because I feel like I was the reason for her being miserable while we were together; Now that she is free from this "burden" (me), she is enjoying life and discovering new things

 

I am too still comparing the two of us and feel like s**t. Usually I have a high opinion of myself, I am far from perfect but I think I am a decent person. But when it comes to her, just thinking about her or seeing her new picture makes me feel completely useless. The breakup damaged my self-esteem so bad that I don't know if I will be ever able to get over her.

 

The fact that she had always been good with me yet fell out of love makes me feel very miserable. I think of myself as unworthy of being loved.

 

What do I do?

[LordRorek]

It took me awhile to do it but the only way to stop is to just do it and make it difficult to reverse.

 

A friend of mine made a script that turns off his computer whenever he visits her page. So that through negative reinforcement he would learn to stop.

[Dominique]

You are not unworthy. No one can define your worth but you.

 

Define yourself as marvelous because you are.

[jennylove]

You're being your own worst enemy. stop that!

[johnnydanger]

Don't be so hard on yourself man. It's normal in your situation to minimize or even forget the poor behaviors she too had, which contributed to the equation. It's not just you.

 

One bit of advice, you really need to delete your Viber account, and any other stupid social media garbage which you think will tempt you to check her profile.

 

Stop thinking it's the end of the world, because it's not. Maybe she will contact you one day, or you can reach out in a few months. But right now, I think you need to try and clear your head and getting off Viber or anything else which causes you to be more obsessed is the first priority.

 

She's just one woman. Be tough and be a man, and don't let any woman pull your emotions down that far.

[JustinPonders]

I feel your pain my friend, I feel your pain. I went through the exact same hell. This month marks the 1 year we've been broken up. But I broke nc so many times that i literally made it easy for her to get over me. And now she doesn't even think about me. She's totally moved on. Its hell alright. The only way i made my life bareable was i stopped looking at her pictures. You'll learn, it's inevitable.

[nsolo]

"The breakup damaged my self-esteem so bad that I don't know if I will be ever able to get over her."

 

You will be able to get over her. Give it some time and get out on some dates with new people, unless you really think you need some time to yourself to digest things. I am the type of guy who moves onto dating others a.s.a.p. because, well, why not? The hell with the past, ya know? Carpe diem. Seize the day. Illegitimi non carborundum. I like writing down areas I went wrong, and then I think long and hard about them. Then if I think they're major reasons the relationship fell apart, I'll do everything I can to fix those parts inside me.

 

As for the social media, I don't have much to say about that. You know it's not good to be looking at her profiles and all, but you're doing it anyways. You'll grow the fastest if you stop. And you'll feel great about yourself a month or two later when you're dating other women, and you haven't looked at her pictures or contacted her.

 

Paradoxically, too, you not contacting her actually increases your chances of her reaching out to you. It's something to think about. Time to put her behind you and get some new women in your life.

[bbogdanov]

Thank you all for the answers! I know I am my worst enemy, unfortunately. The NC periods are good for me as I am not thinking about her at all. The moment I see her new picture/status I literally freeze. Hot flashes go through my body, I feel like the biggest loser on earth. Then I always come up with something to message her about, it's some kind of an urge (the last time I told her she was beautiful, ugh...). I don't know what kind of reaction that is. It just happens. The solution, of course, is to not look at her profile at all. But that's the problem - I am too weak/addicted to her and I can't resist checking out what's going on

[kbbcoop77]

You won't heal checking on her social media..after my split I deleted Facebook and stayed off it over a year. Go hit the gym when u feel the urge to check on her.

[nsolo]

The moment I see her new picture/status I literally freeze. Hot flashes go through my body, I feel like the biggest loser on earth. Then I always come up with something to message her about, it's some kind of an urge (the last time I told her she was beautiful, ugh...).""

 

Consider this: If you truly love her, you will let her be, because she does not want you contacting her. It is as plain as day since why? Answer: Since she never contacts you first. Rise above your weakness here by putting her behind you. You can do it. And after you've done it, you'll realize you're a stronger man for it, which will be a good feeling.

 

Another reason to stop looking at her profiles: You say you feel like a total loser. Well, let's say another woman has her eye on you one day. You haven't looked at your ex for a while and you're feeling good. The new woman who has a crush on you is loving how you look confident and jolly. Then, all of a sudden, you look at your lame ex's profile. You feel like a loser again. You walk around slumped over looking at the ground thinking of her and her Facebook. The woman with a crush on you sees this behavior, and she's turned off. She goes away. You've effectively let your ex sabotage a potentially awesome new relationship. Obviously, that's not a good thing. But it is avoidable. It's avoidable by you putting a cap on this looking-at-her-profiles thing you've been doing. Only you have the power to do it though. And the power is in you. It is just a matter of if you want to use it or not.

[ImYoPusher]

Social media is the place people go to when they want to give off a certain image. You really don't know if he's having all this fun or just wants you to think she's having fun without you? I do the same thing with people who I know are stalking my page. I'll post things just to irritate them.

[bbogdanov]

We are not friends on FB, I deleted her a long time ago. I am checking her Viber profile and I am sure she is not showing off as she doesn't care about me at all. I am the one who tortures himself doing these things, I am my worst enemy. I see her doing new things that she has never done before and I'm like ", she was not that type of person when we were together?". Then I feel like loser for being the same old boring person (nothing new happens to me) and my self-esteem goes to 0.

[idontknowww]

If nothing new happens to you, then why don't you MAKE IT HAPPEN? Why do you continue to be a loser and same boring person? Get out there man, create new memories for yourself. Her being happy does NOT have to make you sad. Her happiness is irrelevant. What are you doing to create your own happiness? If she's out there vacationing, why can't you?? Get online and buy the cheapest plane ticket to anywhere! A new city you haven't seen. Or if you can't afford that, get in your car and drive to the nearest monument, or park, or museum, any new place! Seems like you're in Europe.. Get on a train and go explore the closest country. Trust me I've been where you are right now, when I saw my ex partying it up while I wallowed in self-pity, and it didn't get me ANYWHERE. But I picked myself up and now I travel at least two-three times a year to random states and cities and I create my own memories. Trust me, you are delaying your own happiness and healing by stalking her. Go make your own life so glamorous that she'd be the one who feels left out, not you!

[bbogdanov]

I am just not that type of person. I don't like travelling so I have to think about something else. Never mind, it's not that particular activity that bothers me, but just seeing her living a "new" life and doing things she's never done before. It's like all she was waiting for was breaking up with me in order to live a happy life and doing interesting things. I feel like I've been some holdback to her and now that she is free - the world is perfect...

[bbogdanov]

Another thing I forgot to mention - I wonder why do I feel so sad when I check up on her and see she enjoys life, parties all night etc. Why am I not happy about her? She deserves to be happy, after all. Everybody deserves it. But I just can't suppress my ego. I am jealous, kind of, that she is not part of my life anymore. That I am not with her on that vacation. That I am not partying with her all night. That I am not part of that happiness with her. I am afraid she will find another man she will fall for. I want her just for myself. I am that selfish/egoistic right now. I don't think it's normal, is it? I try to be aware of all my thoughts and emotions and there they are. But this awareness doesn't help me, these emotions destroy me and I think they are not "right". I don't "own" her, she doesn't owe me anything and she is free to do anything she wants. She may go wherever she wants, she may party for as long as she wants, she is free to fall in love with whomever it may be. Yet I want to be with her, like the old times.

 

I want to get to the bottom of it, I want to dig deep down to understand my behaviour, the source of my thoughts, the reason for my emotions. Any help will be appreciated!!!

[Dominique]

Your feelings are normal. It's all part of the heart break. You need to cut her off and stop looking at her so you can heal. At some point the jealous territorial feelings will subside.

 

You miss her. Not being with her makes you upset and jealous....that's normal.

[bbogdanov]

But what are these jealous territiorial feelings? Why do I have them? Through the whole 3.5-year period of our relationship I have'nt ever been jealous, possesive or something like that. I've always had trust in her, I never held her responsible for what she is doing or who she is going out with, never looked at her phone searching for "evidence", never became jelaous of her going somewhere without me etc. Now that she is not with me anymore - everything about her life makes me upset as I am not in it

[greta96]

But what are these jealous territiorial feelings? Why do I have them? Through the whole 3.5-year period of our relationship I have'nt ever been jealous, possesive or something like that. I've always had trust in her, I never held her responsible for what she is doing or who she is going out with, never looked at her phone searching for "evidence", never became jelaous of her going somewhere without me etc. Now that she is not with me anymore - everything about her life makes me upset as I am not in it

 

Because back then you had her, so you didn't feel the need to check up on her or be possessive. Now that she's no longer yours, you are feeling that way because you know deep inside that she may meet someone else at any given moment, and that to you would mean the final sign that it's over. Until then, you are still holding on to hope, even if only subconsciously.

 

I think you are looking at things the wrong way (understandably so, because being dumped is always a hit to one's ego, there's no way not to take it personal). You are reading too much into her going on that trip, and think of it as a sign that she's better off without you. But it doesn't have to mean that at all! After breakups, people generally do things to revamp their lives so they can feel better themselves and get themselves out of their own funk. Some go cut and color their hair, some join the gym, some go on trips...we all have our own ways of coping. This was her way, but it doesn't mean she's done it because she's happy you're out of her life. She just wanted to do something different, and it doesn't have to mean anything related to you. Maybe she's sad too, maybe she thinks about you - but it's not like she's going to post that on social media! So don't read too much into things you see, that are meant to be superficial.

 

Listen, 3.5 years to be together with someone is a long time. Everything you are feeling is normal. You clearly want her back, and you are having a hard time facing the reality, that it may never happen.

I also strongly urge you to do your best and stop looking at her social media, be it even her profile pictures. As long as you keep constant reminders of her in your life, you will have setbacks. What's going to happen when one day her new profile picture will be that of her with some guy, you know? Why do this to yourself? Better block her profile so that you're no longer tempted to look, this way you'd save yourself a lot of grief.

 

Life is unpredictable, for all you know one day you'll meet again and give it another shot. But in the meantime, you need to take steps to move on and live your life; if she wants to contact you, she knows how. All you have to do is protect your own feelings by steering clear of anything that might upset you and set you back.

[Clio]

You need to delete her mobile number and take her off viber so that you can't see her profile pic. All this internal dialogue about her doing better than you is created by your mind. It is your mind making up all these stories and the pics serve as triggers. Loose the triggers and it will get better. You are breaking nc by looking at her pics. Any new info, be it pics or talking about her to common friends, is breaking nc. Looking at her viber profile is toxic. Stop it.

 

As for the jealousy thing, of course you are going to feel jealous. Prior to breaking up, you two had an agreement of exclusivity and you trusted her not to break it. From the break up on, there is no such agreement so she may move on at any time.

 

The main thing that you need to understand is that the short-term relief you get by looking at her viber comes with a HUGE price. By looking, you are prolonging your pain and delaying your healing. Do not underestimate it. Had you not been looking, your mind would not have the fuel to spin all these elaborate stories. All your thoughts are speculations. They are not based in any concrete reality.

 

You need to stop beating yourself up. You made mistakes but at the end of the day so did she. Had you been compatible, she would not have given up. At the end of the day, you need to learn to give up on the people who give up on you. You are not perfect. No one is. She gave up and that means that you were not right for each other. You need to let go of the thought that things could have happened any other way. The break up HAS happened and it COULDN'T have happened any other way.

 

The longer you stalk her on viber or on any other social platform, the longer your mind (NOTE: NOT her, YOUR mind) will torture you with all kinds of tales about her living a "fabulous" life and about you not being "good enough". That's how the human mind tends to work when one gets dumped and the vast majority of dumpees who make the mistake of cyber stalking have to bear similar internal dialogues.

[Annia]

You know you need to delete and possibly block... I know that it's not what you want to hear but there's no other way.

 

You don't want to truly end the relationship so you cling to the "checking up" and becomes an addiction. It prolongs the feeling that you are still in the relationship when you're not and that's why you keep on comparing her new life to her life with you. The thing is that you're not in her life anymore, so what you know is from an very outsider perspective... you have no enough data to make the conclusions you are making from snooping. There is also another thing that is making you not delete her even though in your mind you know it's for the best... which is hope. You hope that she'll return or that she'll contact you or you want to contact her again because you want to keep this "fake" connection alive because you're still full of hope. It's normal to have hope and to want the person back when you are still grieving the break up.

 

But where did it got you in this 6 months? It's setting back your healing. You're avoiding to take the bandaid once and for whole and feeling the pain of absence all together, so you're doing it little by little, delaying the inevitable.

 

But even considering that you still hope and desire getting back together... clinging on to that by contacting her and snooping on her social media won't make her go back to you and can even have the opposite effect. There was a reason for you two to break up, and usually when the dumpee stays around by always contacting and everything it has two possible effects, even though the dumpee usually thinks that by clinging on it'll remind the dumper of the good times or make it so that they don't forget him/her:

 

- By your unability to keep NC she will feel that you have no life of your own, she's the most important person to you and that you can't accept the break up. If she was the one who ended the relationship, she might feel annoyed and that you're needy and this can remind her of why she broke up with you because you're always on her face reminding her of that

 

- She will know that you're always there for her, so she won't value much and can start living her life and even being with other people without fear because she knows that if that fails she'll always have you there in the back burner... in the "just in case everything fails" spot. (I'm sorry to be harsh, but many people are like this). This gives her courage and strength to pursue other relationships.

 

As someone who was unable to keep NC in the past and of stopping snooping my exes life on social media and comparing it, I was stabbed in the heart repeatedly when I saw them engaging in new relationships right away and their perfect life on social media. It delayed my healing a lot and it only made me suffer. My presence and my snooping wasn't going to make them come back... it never did. And if they ever came back to me it'd probably be out of loneliness and out of other options.

 

Even if you want her back (which you do), you need to move on and heal... you need to grieve this relationship properly and really move on. This will allow to learn from this experience, to work on yourself and become a better version of yourself and will put you in a much better mental position to decide if you want her back or not if someday it becomes to it. But if it happens it's on her (if she was the dumper), and you two must have evolved and left the old relationship behind to let a new one work. So moving on is an universal need, regardless of the outcome and the future.

 

How do you move on? It's difficult and it takes time. There's no definite time line and we all grief and process relationships differently. But some things that help are:

 

- Total NC (I'm practicing that now and it's helping). Total NC besides of not contacting her includes not snooping on her social media and live in total ignorance of her new life

- During NC time take this time far away from her and from a more distanced spot to think about the relationship without the rose tainted glasses and really see what the problems in the relationship were (not from a place of guilt or self hatred of course) and take mental notes of what you can do better next time and of what you want your future partner do be

- Working on improving your health, your career or any other area you feel like you want to improve. It takes time because the last thing a heartbroken person wants is to get out of bed and live, but you need to force yourself if necessary because it's easier for feelings and emotions to follow action than the other way around, because if you simply wait for feelings and emotions to change passively you might be waiting for a long time

- Be with friends and family that you might have neglected during the relationship or during the post break up depression. Like I said, force yourself to get back into your social life, even if in the beginning all you can do is just sit there and listen to them.

 

Good luck and sorry for the long post. I wish that you are able to truly heal and move on from all of this.

[Annia]

You need to delete her mobile number and take her off viber so that you can't see her profile pic. All this internal dialogue about her doing better than you is created by your mind. It is your mind making up all these stories and the pics serve as triggers. Loose the triggers and it will get better. You are breaking nc by looking at her pics. Any new info, be it pics or talking about her to common friends, is breaking nc. Looking at her viber profile is toxic. Stop it.

 

As for the jealousy thing, of course you are going to feel jealous. Prior to breaking up, you two had an agreement of exclusivity and you trusted her not to break it. From the break up on, there is no such agreement so she may move on at any time.

 

The main thing that you need to understand is that the short-term relief you get by looking at her viber comes with a HUGE price. By looking, you are prolonging your pain and delaying your healing. Do not underestimate it. Had you not been looking, your mind would not have the fuel to spin all these elaborate stories. All your thoughts are speculations. They are not based in any concrete reality.

 

You need to stop beating yourself up. You made mistakes but at the end of the day so did she. Had you been compatible, she would not have given up. At the end of the day, you need to learn to give up on the people who give up on you. You are not perfect. No one is. She gave up and that means that you were not right for each other. You need to let go of the thought that things could have happened any other way. The break up HAS happened and it COULDN'T have happened any other way.

 

The longer you stalk her on viber or on any other social platform, the longer your mind (NOTE: NOT her, YOUR mind) will torture you with all kinds of tales about her living a "fabulous" life and about you not being "good enough". That's how the human mind works when one gets dumped and the vast majority of dumpees who make the mistake of cyber stalking have to bear similar internal dialogues.

 

This a 100%!

[melancholy123]

Thank you all for the answers! I know I am my worst enemy, unfortunately. The NC periods are good for me as I am not thinking about her at all. The moment I see her new picture/status I literally freeze. Hot flashes go through my body, I feel like the biggest loser on earth. Then I always come up with something to message her about, it's some kind of an urge (the last time I told her she was beautiful, ugh...). I don't know what kind of reaction that is. It just happens. The solution, of course, is to not look at her profile at all. But that's the problem - I am too weak/addicted to her and I can't resist checking out what's going on

 

You are your own worst enemy because you keep finding ways to see what she's up to on social media. You need to stop that NOW. Delete any links to her on social media, and block her from your phone etc. When you stop tormenting yourself you will start to feel better.

[Andrina]

I recommend the book The Key by Rhonda Byrne. After my divorce, I didn't suffer heartbreak like you because the breakup was my choice, but the book helped to give me skills to think more positively, so that my thoughts became more proactive and success oriented when it came to achieving my goals.

 

I don't know the circumstances of your breakup, but when a person doesn't pull out all the stops to make things work before bailing, then the person doesn't care enough, even if you were the most wonderful, fantastic person. It's difficult to process why someone would leave when you loved them so much, but it is what it is. I think I'm a great catch as a partner, but my ex-husband treated everyone else better than me. He saved all his depression-induced anger and pouting for me. My present husband is a great man, but in his two main relationships in the past, the women cheated on him. He didn't deserve that. Sometimes good people don't get appreciated by a partner, but it still hurts when that person leaves.

 

You have to learn the skills to think positively. Here are some examples: I'm going to be my own best friend. I'm going to achieve closure which means deleting all the photos of her and avoid looking at what she's doing now. Today I'm going to enjoy myself by cooking my favorite meal, because I deserve the best.

 

You cannot begin day one of closure until there is no more contact and no more looking at her photos and keeping updated on her activities. You are keeping her in your life by doing this, and she no longer deserves to be in your life. She is taking up emotional energy that would be better served elsewhere.

 

If you have let friendships slide and you have no hobbies/interests, then it makes it harder to heal from a breakup. If that's how your life was while with her, then vow to change that. It'll actually be better for a future relationship when you have an independent life besides having a partner (it makes you more interesting and is less smothering) and will allow you to heal more quickly if a break up happens. Take care and let us know how you're progressing.

[WombatShadow]

You need to find some kind of hobby that takes up a ton of your time and/or energy. Aside from going to the gym, I auditioned for a musical and it has been one of the greatest things for me. I am so exhausted by the end of the day that I don't have the energy to text my ex, and the bonus is that it's something I love to do so even though I'm tired, I'm also coming out happier than I went in to practice (though sometimes, like right now, my whole body aches the next day!

 

Not to beat a dead horse here, but you also probably need to go ahead and block your ex. I never had to go that far (it helps that he doesn't use social media), but you are unable to keep off of her pages and such. This is a step you have to take to improve your position in life. Someone back a page or two asked you what it would look like to someone who liked you if they saw you moping around after your ex, and that's a really good point. Extend that to your professional connections; if you're up for a promotion, do you think it's more likely to go to your confident, steady self or the man who is stuck on an ex-girlfriend to the point that it's impacting his life?

 

You are strong, you are enough. You just have to be brave enough to cut her out entirely and you'll realize that you can stand all on your own.

[bbogdanov]

Thank you all for the comments! Everything said is 100% right. I was really feeling better when I wasn't constantly checking up on her. I realize I must cut all ties in order to heal. I will let you know how I am progressing.