How to date someone who is grieving?

[CasperB]

G'day!

I've never posted here, on on anything like this, before so here's a little about me - I'm 25, I've been (mostly) single for a little under three years now. I went in the army at 16, I loved the life, went to Cyprus, Belize, Afghan (briefly), and spent a lot of time in Africa. Long story short I was medically discharged a year and a half ago, which was totally devastating at the time. Anyway, I retrained and now I work at outdoor activity centre for kids and teens - so i basically get to be a big kid all the time!

Anyway that's me in a nutshell!

 

So I went for a big night out for a mates birthday, and I meet this girl. I'd clocked her earlier because i thought she was beautiful, and I clocked her again later because she was wasted, like completely gone, and she didn't seem to be with anyone and there were guys hanging around i didn't like the look of, out in the smoking garden they were hassling her a bit and I told them to back off, and then she was kinda sick on my shoes before telling me how her parents had been killed 3 days! prior in a car accident.

 

Long story short she was a hot mess, and I was honestly concerned about her, so i took her home with me (before one of these other guys did). I Had fancied her earlier, but at this point my intentions were purely genuine! (I have a twin sister, I'd hope if she was in that situation someone would do right by her!). I gave her my bed, i slept on the sofa, nothing happened!! I didnt intend for anything to ever happen.

 

I took her breakfast (and paracetamol In the morning. I thought that would pretty much be that, but we ended up chatting for hours!

[she's 22, she's half Greek, she's got an aunt/uncle/cousin all the way in Greece but no other family apart from her 11 year old sister, she works in her dads landscape garden/architecture business].

 

I hadn't expected it but sober, we got on so well. We clicked better than I've ever clicked with anyone!

We did obviously talk about her parents and her situation now but we also talked about everything else under the sun from hats to tectonic plates (who knew I listened in geography!

So we exchanged numbers, and I saw her again the next evening.....

 

1 month later

Here's the thing right, I really like this girl. Like I reallyyyyy like her! I have never felt like this. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am actually in the right place in the right time and by her side feels more like home than anywhere I've ever known.

 

But i don't know how to play this! I don't have a clue!!

 

We're not boyfriend/girlfriend. I've not had sex with her. But we kiss, we talk every day and we spend a lot of time together.

 

I don't know what she really wants and I'm so scared to apply pressure because, how is that remotely fair when the only life shes ever known is in tatters!!

I'm scared that if i push this too hard then its just going to be some grief-fling-type-thing and burn out. But I'm scared that if I don't then I'm going to fall into like some friendzone. What do i do!!?

 

She asked me to go to there funeral with her, which did not please her aunt one bit. The fact is that her parents were well off, they have a beautiful family home and land, and a good business. And I come from quite a different background and i know her aunt's worried that i'm like swooping in for money or something. Which I'm not! I couldn't care less, I'm falling for the girl!

But i know that she's probably planted that seed in her head, which makes it even more complicated!

 

I don't want to give up. I feel so strongly about this that I can't not fight for it, but I don't know how to fight for it!

[hyden]

You step back. You can keep talking to her, but let her get through this process. At the end of this process, she may not even want to be with you. Right now she is broken and clinging to you to get through this. (think of a rebound relationship, but worse). It could work out in the long run, but it cannot now.

[CasperB]

You step back. You can keep talking to her, but let her get through this process. At the end of this process, she may not even want to be with you. Right now she is broken and clinging to you to get through this. (think of a rebound relationship, but worse). It could work out in the long run, but it cannot now.

 

But thats hard man. Even taking my feelings right off the page, like shes asking me to be there... im cooking dinner for her, im making sure there bins go out in time, i'm walking their dog, I've sat with her some evenings while shes talked me through every photo in their family albums, and i've sat with her other evenings where shes asked me to tell her story after story because she wants to think about anything else but whats happened to her parents! I've played with her little sister in the garden and on the trampoline until I was within inches of a cardiac arrest! I've stayed with her at night when she asks me too, and i've held her while she cried, at it breaks my heart!

...To step back now, when she wants me there, maybe even needs me there, it feels like a sh*tty move, does that make sense?

[CasperB]

Bump?

[abitbroken]

Do not go to a funeral to someone as a date. That's just tacky.

 

I think you should back off from her - tell her that you know she is going through a tough time and its best to be around family and not a new guy you just met because they need her support to. Tell her to call you to do something the week after the funeral and such is over and in the meantime accept other dates. She may or may not call you. But you have to be fine either way.

 

You are in way too deep with a woman you just met and maybe you are attracted to hot messes? Back away.

[LaHermes]

Casper.

 

You are not the fixer/minder/nanny/housekeeper/bodyguard.

 

Take Abitbroken's advice.

[CasperB]

Do not go to a funeral to someone as a date. That's just tacky.

I did go with her, this was back like a month ago now, but I didn't really "go" with her, I felt a bit weird about going but what do you do when someones telling you that they'd really like you there, and they'd appreciate your support and that. Anyway, I mostly stayed out of her families way and just stuck with friends and colleagues and that but she came and sat with me after the service and pretty much stayed with me after that, so i guess she must have wanted me there.

 

I think you should back off from her - tell her that you know she is going through a tough time and its best to be around family and not a new guy you just met because they need her support to. Tell her to call you to do something the week after the funeral and such is over and in the meantime accept other dates. She may or may not call you. But you have to be fine either way.

Her little sister is the only family she had in this country and It wouldnt be fair to knock the way she is supporting her, her sisters just a kid so she's having to step into a parent type role for her.

I've seen her about 6 weeks now, but i've seen her a fair bit in that time, I'd say I leave it for her to initiate more than I do, because I dont want to be pushy and that, but I spend quite a lot of time at hers and we'll cook and chill and that, and sometimes whens he does want to go out like i'll plan us something fun to do.

 

You are in way too deep with a woman you just met and maybe you are attracted to hot messes? Back away.

I am In deep fast, which is unusual for me, im not normally like that, Im normally physically fast and not to emotional. I was with my last gf 7 months and without getting to the I love yous and that. But this is like the opposite, like we've gone super slow physically, and I really really really like her.

I'd normally stay right out of any drama etc though, it' not like a pattern or anything.

[CasperB]

Casper.

 

You are not the fixer/minder/nanny/housekeeper/bodyguard.

 

I know I'm not. I don't really know what else to do though! I've never felt like this, i've never felt so sure about something! I don't know how else to be there - its such a hrd time for her!

[abitbroken]

I know I'm not. I don't really know what else to do though! I've never felt like this, i've never felt so sure about something! I don't know how else to be there - its such a hrd time for her!

 

You are not "sure" - you are merely caught up in the whirlwind and are feeding off the drama. She has porous boundaries - she is latching on to the first guy she meets and is hanging heavily on him. You may be so attracted to being the protector here, but someone who does this instead of hanging tight to their family during a time of loss in their family is a trainwreck. I would step waaay the heck back.

[CasperB]

She has porous boundaries - she is latching on to the first guy she meets and is hanging heavily on him.

I hear you, and that is like a genuine worry for me!

 

You may be so attracted to being the protector here, but someone who does this instead of hanging tight to their family during a time of loss in their family is a trainwreck. I would step waaay the heck back.

She's far from a trainwreck though. She doesnt have much family, the relatives she does have are in another country. Its basically just her and her lil sis. And she's doing a pretty cracking job of trying to hold everything together - looking after her sis, the business, the house, the horses, the dog. She's got a hell of a lot on her plate but she is handling - with or without me i think she'd handle it. Butttt she does still seem to really want me there!

 

 

(i did respond to your other post by the way mate, i just hasnt appeared yet)

[LaHermes]

You are a kind person Casper.

 

The fact is that her parents were well off, they have a beautiful family home and land, and a good business. And I come from quite a different background and i know her aunt's worried that i'm like swooping in for money or something. Which I'm not! I couldn't care less, I'm falling for the girl!

 

So, I suppose, slow and easy is the answer here. Very slow.

[ShatteredMan]

You step back. You can keep talking to her, but let her get through this process. At the end of this process, she may not even want to be with you. Right now she is broken and clinging to you to get through this. (think of a rebound relationship, but worse). It could work out in the long run, but it cannot now.

 

^^^Absolutely 100%. From your other posts here, you're completely chasing her way too much.

 

Even worse, I'm willing to bet that you've built a fantasy in your mind about your future with her. When she's done grieving, this does not mean that she'll be ready to comply with your "happily ever after" scenario that you've created in your mind. Matter of fact, she may be starting to think of you as a "male girlfriend" and may not see you as a long-term investment. Sure, she'll take all of your comforting and support because it allows her to grieve and reap the benefits of your care.

 

I went through a painful breakup because I did essentially the same thing: Built a fantasy around a woman that I put on a pedestal because I "knew in my heart that she would fall in love with me" and want to fit into said fantasy. When it was clear that wasn't going to happen, I overpursued her and made every tactical mistake you can as a man because fantasy also pushes us to be driven by fear-based control issues when things don't look like they are falling into place. Sure enough, I pushed her right into the arms of another man.

 

Leave this girl alone while she's in this state. Let her come to you when she's ready...

 

 

If I had backed off, worked on myself and given her space and time to develop real romantic feelings, perhaps some of the goals in my fantasy might have come to fruition (but then again, maybe not).

[CasperB]

From your other posts here, you're completely chasing her way too much.

You think? In what kinda way?

 

Even worse, I'm willing to bet that you've built a fantasy in your mind about your future with her.

Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia, right? I cant say ive ever been in a relationship that has caused me to do that before but in the rest of my life planning out my future has only ever set it shattering down around me, so I dont really do that anymore... I try and focus more on making the most of the here and now and not selling your present short. So i don't really think about holidays, or kids, or family Christmases, but that doesnt mean that I dont want all those things. But with her i feel like, I dont know how to describe it without sounding like dork, I feel like i am in the right place at the right time... I feel 'home' next to her, as crazy as that sounds.

 

Matter of fact, she may be starting to think of you as a "male girlfriend" and may not see you as a long-term investment.

How would i tell that though?

I've been with a fair few girls in my time and she doesnt seem to look at me any differently in that sense, obviously she has periods of time when shes really low but she can be quite flirty, she kisses me, the signals she gives me are that she likes me.

 

Sure, she'll take all of your comforting and support because it allows her to grieve and reap the benefits of your care..

Aye, well, I cant really begrudge her that, considering everything..

 

I went through a painful breakup because I did essentially the same thing: Built a fantasy around a woman that I put on a pedestal because I "knew in my heart that she would fall in love with me" and want to fit into said fantasy. When it was clear that wasn't going to happen, I overpursued her and made every tactical mistake you can as a man because fantasy also pushes us to be driven by fear-based control issues when things don't look like they are falling into place. Sure enough, I pushed her right into the arms of another man.

 

Leave this girl alone while she's in this state. Let her come to you when she's ready...

I definitely hear you on that. I don't want to smother her or come on too strong or that but like what else do I do.. Like, she is coming to me, she's texting me, calling me, wanting me to go over, so what do I do...

Like I really really like the girl, and on top of that she is going through the toughest of times, and then shes asking me to be there, wanting to see me, how do i say 'no' to that??

I am worried about moving to fast at this time! But if at this time, when she really needs support, she asks me to be there, just be there, even though she finds it hard to ask for help, and I don't come through for her, then our relationship is surely going to be dead anyway?

It's like a tightrope really.