Actions of ex making me angry - how to cope?

[Miastar]

My ex and I share a lot of mutual friends. I have deleted my Facebook account and got rid of him on Instagram and Twitter. I also asked friends to please not tell me what he has been putting online.

 

Unfortunately my friend let slip that my ex has been posting really chirpy and happy posts and has also booked s holiday - according to Facebook. I understand Facebook is a carefully selected snippet of life people choose to show. And I understand my ex is happier out of the relationship.

 

On Sunday he came round and picked up some of his stuff (we lived together)- he got upset and said "this isn't what I wanted" and "I'm not doing what I want to be doing" and he missed me and the cats.

 

I'm feeling very bitter - he has a well paid job and as he is in a house share he has disposable income. Meanwhile I'm on a low wage (although actively applying for better jobs), I'm having to ask my parents to help with my rent, and I'm also responsible for the pets now. I feel like this is all just a projection as I'm dissatisfied with my life and it's down to me to make the changes. But I'm struggling with how I'm miserable, gradually healing and sorting my life out.

 

Meanwhile he seems hunky dory and doing all the fun things he wants to do. Especially as when we met the tables were turned and I was the financially stable one and helped him out a lot.

 

I just want to know if there are any ways I can deal with this awful feeling. Things are eating me up inside and I feel dreadful.

[SooSad33]

Break ups ( end of relationships) can be so painful And it is a 'loss'. Loss is never easy...

 

No matter what you are 'seeing' in him or of him. I'm sure inside, he is feeling some loss. But some people will NOT outwardly show it.

 

Yes.. you now have to work on accepting what is.. and move on and work on healing from everything.

 

Now.. you need to get your own life in gear. So... continue to work on paying no attention to things he's doing.

But focus on YOU and yours.

 

If you feel it's just too much.. causing pains.. stress.. anxiety, etc? Maybe consider therapy to help you along?

I've had to do that. I also write about my feelings/ thoughts, etc.

I've been much down in the dumps for almost a year now.. but I do get up every day, get kids to school then TRY to do things.

Whether it be a craft, a walk... I am trying hard to focus on me and my Life now... and avoid all else. It does us no good knowing what THEY are doing.

 

One day at a time.... I'm sure you were okay before him. Believe that you'll be okay again.. after him.

[12Network]

I'm sorry you're going through this! I can relate. With me, I couldn't afford our apartment on my own so I told him he has to pay half the rent until the end of summer (when we had agreed to move out anyways). His name is on the lease so if it doesn't get paid they're going to go after him too. Luckily, he said no problem. But I am also feeling like I am "losing" the breakup in that way. I know you're not supposed to think about it that way but it's hard to see them doing so well and so happy.

[Miastar]

Break ups ( end of relationships) can be so painful And it is a 'loss'. Loss is never easy...

 

No matter what you are 'seeing' in him or of him. I'm sure inside, he is feeling some loss. But some people will NOT outwardly show it.

 

Yes.. you now have to work on accepting what is.. and move on and work on healing from everything.

 

Now.. you need to get your own life in gear. So... continue to work on paying no attention to things he's doing.

But focus on YOU and yours.

 

If you feel it's just too much.. causing pains.. stress.. anxiety, etc? Maybe consider therapy to help you along?

I've had to do that. I also write about my feelings/ thoughts, etc.

I've been much down in the dumps for almost a year now.. but I do get up every day, get kids to school then TRY to do things.

Whether it be a craft, a walk... I am trying hard to focus on me and my Life now... and avoid all else. It does us no good knowing what THEY are doing.

 

One day at a time.... I'm sure you were okay before him. Believe that you'll be okay again.. after him.

 

Thank you I am going to counselling and it's very beneficial. I've been journaling a lot too.

I guess I lose track and find it hard to stay focused on myself and the goal of healing. Ultimately I suppose I'm not having with myself or the direction I'm going in, hence why I sometimes get preoccupied with his life, when I should be focusing on mine.

 

I personally don't think he is as happy as he is making himself out to be - he's told me he is not doing what he wants, and he is far from happy. But then I suppose he's adjusting to his new life and making the best out of it. It's just difficult for me when I know so many people who know him too, and they see him splashing his happy new life all over social media. Plus he's on a dating site as well now. I'm from a very small town and it's so gossipy round here, and I can feel myself being dragged into it and I must stop. You are right. It goes us no good knowing what they are doing, I just feel like I can't talk to some of my friends invade they accidentally say something. Plus some of my friends hang out with him and his friends so I feel like there's an awkwardness there. To be honest I simply don't feel ready to see our mutual friends right now. I'm a mess and don't want that being casually slipped into conversation.

 

I hope you are doing ok xx

[Miastar]

I'm sorry you're going through this! I can relate. With me, I couldn't afford our apartment on my own so I told him he has to pay half the rent until the end of summer (when we had agreed to move out anyways). His name is on the lease so if it doesn't get paid they're going to go after him too. Luckily, he said no problem. But I am also feeling like I am "losing" the breakup in that way. I know you're not supposed to think about it that way but it's hard to see them doing so well and so happy.

 

Thank you

My ex conveniently broke up with me one month before the tenancy ended and he had been looking at flats for himself before he ended things with me. He actually hasn't been able to get his own place so is living in a box room in a house share.

Yes it's very hard to not think of things like us being the ones left behind. I know logically we should see this as an opportunity to focus on ourselves, to look to our present and future and make it amazing.

[Miastar]

Ugh and the anger is back. He came round and collected some stuff and I saw on his phone that he has downloaded tinder. I didn't mention it as it's not really relevant anymore.

 

I obviously expected this to happen but naively thought because he said he "isn't going to be ready for a relationship for a long time" and it's the last thing on his mind blah blah.

 

It just makes me feel awful knowing he's out and enjoying dates with other girls. I simply am not in any position to think about dating, nor am I particularly bothered by it for a while as I'd like to experience and enjoy being single.

 

I feel so unworthy and sick. I wish I could get it into my head that he isn't coming back.

 

I'm just terrified because we share so many mutual friends. I simply don't know how I can co exist alongside him and mutual friends. I don't know how on earth I'm ever going to be able to go to social gatherings, future weddings and events with our mutual friends. As it is im avoiding seeing some of my friends because they (rightfully) have spent time with him recently. He went to school with a lot of my close friends so they actually knew him before I knew them (but I didn't meet him through them). I hope time will heal but at the moment I'm leaning towards separating myself from this group.

 

I am so sorry for ranting, I just feel so sad this evening and I can't get out of my head.

[ShatteredMan]

Miastar: You're going to have lots of sad evenings for a while. We've all been there.

 

You spend every waking moment thinking about them and what they're doing. It clouds everything you do (if you let it, easier said than done) during your day and it keeps you up most nights.

 

One suggestion: Disable all of your social media accounts immediately. FB, Instagram - ALL OF THEM! You will live without knowing what everyone is doing and thinking about all the time. You don't need it. Matter of fact, uninstall Facebook/Messenger immediately. If your friends are really that important, they can call you.

 

If you aren't improving in your emotional and mental state after a month or so, please consider getting some professional help in terms of therapy. You need an unbiased, professional viewpoint on what you're going through.....not your friends' and family's opinons and suggestions.

 

Your "best friends" right now are Time and Distance through No Contact. The sooner you start using these new "friends", the sooner you can start taking steps toward moving through the stages of shock/grief/anger and acceptance that we all have had to go through.

 

You're going to be ok but this test isn't going to be easy and there is no "quick fix" to make the pain go away. However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. You just need to take the right positive steps toward it.

[Starlight925]

Miastar, I read your other threads. He was active on Tinder 6 months into the relationship? Was he actively messaging people? Actively meeting them? How did you find out?

 

Did you meet on Tinder?

 

I ask because now you've discovered he's on Tinder...again. Or still? Do you think maybe he never really left Tinder?

 

I'm asking to see if he's been stringing you along this whole time, in which case, good riddance.

[boltnrun]

How did you see that he has Tinder on his phone? Did you look through his phone while he was over picking up his stuff? If so, why?

[Miastar]

How did you see that he has Tinder on his phone? Did you look through his phone while he was over picking up his stuff? If so, why?

 

No I didn't look at his phone - I'm not mad or a glutton for punishment lol! He was sitting next to me on the sofa and I glanced over and saw it.

[Miastar]

Miastar, I read your other threads. He was active on Tinder 6 months into the relationship? Was he actively messaging people? Actively meeting them? How did you find out?

 

Did you meet on Tinder?

 

I ask because now you've discovered he's on Tinder...again. Or still? Do you think maybe he never really left Tinder?

 

I'm asking to see if he's been stringing you along this whole time, in which case, good riddance.

 

Yes we met on tinder plus came across each other on another dating site. My best friend found him on tinder 6 months into the relationship and sent me a screen shot which showed hed been active half an hour beforehand - when he was in my house. He denied it at first and gave me his phone. He had been downloading it and deleting the app so I went to re download it and he snatched it from me. So I don't know the extent of what he did on there. He told me he matched with people but no conversation. But that's quite convenient isn't it.

 

I guess after that he tried very hard to make it up to me but I couldn't let it go.

[Miastar]

I guess because I found someone who was everything I wanted, I find it hard to let go.

 

The first 6 months on tinder were his fault but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to let go and he tried to make it up to me/get therapy and deal with other issues etc.

 

But in the end I simply couldn't let go and things always boiled down to that. So I guess I blame myself as I feel like if I had only got over the root issue sooner, then none of this would've happened. As it did change me but I thought we had too much to hold on to.

 

Now I feel bitter as I doubt he'll make this mistake again and someone else will be the one to "reap the rewards" so to speak.

[Miastar]

Miastar: You're going to have lots of sad evenings for a while. We've all been there.

 

You spend every waking moment thinking about them and what they're doing. It clouds everything you do (if you let it, easier said than done) during your day and it keeps you up most nights.

 

One suggestion: Disable all of your social media accounts immediately. FB, Instagram - ALL OF THEM! You will live without knowing what everyone is doing and thinking about all the time. You don't need it. Matter of fact, uninstall Facebook/Messenger immediately. If your friends are really that important, they can call you.

 

If you aren't improving in your emotional and mental state after a month or so, please consider getting some professional help in terms of therapy. You need an unbiased, professional viewpoint on what you're going through.....not your friends' and family's opinons and suggestions.

 

Your "best friends" right now are Time and Distance through No Contact. The sooner you start using these new "friends", the sooner you can start taking steps toward moving through the stages of shock/grief/anger and acceptance that we all have had to go through.

 

You're going to be ok but this test isn't going to be easy and there is no "quick fix" to make the pain go away. However, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. You just need to take the right positive steps toward it.

 

I've deleted Facebook and rarely use Instagram or Twitter but I should delete them too really. And I have started counselling.

 

My problem is that I'm not making a firm decision - or at least, I'm making the wrong one. I feel like I want to rectify any mistakes and give things another opportunity. This is because I feel like we had so much going for us and so much potential. I am ashamed of my behaviour in the later parts of the relationship and accept my role in the breakup.

 

I feel very trapped and limited. I've tried to see this as an opportunity for growth but that mind set has disappeared.

 

I feel like we ruined a good thing and it's such a huge massive waste of what could have been really wonderful.

[tmarcwho59]

Its just letting go that is so difficult. I was with someone for 4.5 years. As awful as it sounds, "we" became habit. Good or bad, its a comfort zone and its tough to let that go. When I start feeling sad I begin thinking about how miserable I felt when we were together. I know relationships take work but things shouldn't be that difficult so you have to think about that too, in my opinion at least. To repeat what SooSad33 said, "One day at a time.... I'm sure you were okay before him. Believe that you'll be okay again.. after him". Believe me, I am struggling to keep that in my thoughts every day! Good luck to you. I also find this site to be VERY helpful. Time will heal if you let it.

[Miastar]

So he's now angry at me because I called and asked him to take the rest of his stuff this week and he said we apparently agreed I'd keep it until he moved again (in 6 weeks time). I said I was sorry but I didn't agree to that arrangement. He got stroppy and was really abrupt with me.

 

I know this is bad but we've hung out a few times - cinema, coffee, dinner at mine. All times have been lovely except for when I've brought up seeing each other regularly and he tells me we are never getting back together. We sometimes text but he will often disappear and has this habit of saying "what are you up to" then ignoring me and not responding when I answer with what I'm doing and return the question.

 

I'm trying to now move on and gradually feel myself become more even in my emotions (well, I don't cry all the time). I know I've been doing more damage but I feel myself struggling and also sad that he is probably moving on too.