Masturbating in a relationship is wrong?

[itsbannapple]

Hello. I have this issue between me and my S/O. We have been together for 1 year and he has set this rule during our relationship that neither of us are allowed to masturbate. There has been a time that I told him I had pleasured myself and he got really upset. He seems to be very insecure about it and he will go on about how he isn't enough for me and how he thinks if I masturbate it means that I "don't need him" and that he feels my sex toys are "better" than him, etc. Whenever I see him he will sometimes ask me if I have masturbated within the past week of not being with him. I always tell him no in fear of his reaction. I don't want to hurt him. I feel guilty because I lie about it and I do in fact masturbate when I'm away from him. It's not a constant thing though, just maybe once a week depending on how I feel. It doesn't mean at all that I don't love him or dislike our sex life. I just feel like getting off so that's why I do it. I don't want him feeling like he isn't meeting my needs or anything. He tells me he hasn't masturbated in 8 months since we last broke up. He even threw out his own sex toys and he has and made me throw out my vibrators too! Even if we are about to have sex and I start touching myself to "get ready", he will push my hand away and tell me to stop it. He says only he's allowed to touch me and I'm not allowed to. He tells me to promise him I'm not going to masturbate. If he's at home and we are texting and sometimes I'm busy and I can't answer him right away he will accuse me of watching porn and pleasuring myself during the time I wasn't responding to him. I do admit that if he were to tell me he masturbated I might get a little insecure too and think that I wasn't enough for him, but I know that is irrational thinking. It doesn't mean that I'm not good enough, it would just mean that he wanted pleasure at that moment and I wasn't there to help him out. I just think it's a little out of control that even during sex with him, I'm not allowed to touch myself. I can't talk to him about this either because he just blows it out of context.

[jimthzz]

Sounds controlling. do you want this as your life?

[HeartGoesOn]

How foolish!

 

Pick your battles, or pick another boyfriend.

[Hollyj]

What a nut! Why have you stuck around for this insecure control freak!!!!!

[LaHermes]

You said in another thread, OP.

 

"I guess I am just naive and very easy to manipulate. I have a good heart and I always give people second chances, third fourths, fifths. I don't like people who I love and care about to disappear from my life so I guess that's why I continue to always let him take advantage and disrespect me."

 

Why are you STILL with this individual!

[j.man]

In no particular order

 

- Doesn't allow you to masturbate

- Is the "only one allowed to touch you," even excluding yourself

- Cheated on you

- Pressuring you to move in together exclusively for his own benefit

- Tells you to tell your friends not to even text message you while he's with you

- Doesn't let you hang out with friends, male or female

- Calls you unattractive

 

Are you still in outpatient treatment? What does your therapist have to say about all this? Your first thread alone contained enough information for you to leave him without question. Now we're on your fifth. You need to get out of this relationship, lady.

[Hollyj]

"I knew that getting into this relationship could affect my mental state and progress but I felt he pressured me into it. He told me he would help me and that everything would be fine. When I told him I'm not sure If I was ready to be his girlfriend, he just kept telling me he doesn't understand what the problem is and kept asking, getting upset and badgering me. So I agreed to date him. I was afraid to because I never had been in a relationship before or even had sex with anyone. He was my first and he also JUST got out of a relationship with his ex-girlfriend 2 WEEKS before asking me out.

 

Flash forward a year later, we are still together and the control and emotional abuse is unbearable sometimes. I stopped taking photos and writing in my journal. I haven't written a single entry in 8 months. The last entry I wrote was when he cheated on me and hurt me so terribly. If I try and take any pictures of nature or anything around us when I'm with him, he just tells me to put my phone or camera away and to stop it. I had to stop hanging out with friends and even texting them when I'm around him. If someone sent me a quick text, he would get angry and tell me to let them know not to message me when we are together. So for the 4 days I am with him every week, I have no contact with anyone besides him. I can't bring my phone with me if I go into the bathroom, he tells me to leave it with him. I can't pick it up for a second to check any social media or he yells out for me to put my phone down. He tells me he just doesn't want me texting anyone because it disrespects him. I understand the whole respect aspect 100%. I do respect him. I just think there is a line between wanting respect and wanting control, and he has a control issue. I myself want control too, but not the way he does. I want it in a more healthier way. I am fine with him seeing friends, I want him to have a life outside of the relationship. I always tell him to have a good time and have fun. I do get jealous and upset thought if he talks to females, especially girls he has had sex with. All of his friends online are girls he has hooked up with so it makes me very insecure. So I think I have a perfectly good reason to worry all the time since he has cheated on me more than once with his ex-girlfriend. I try not to show it so much though. I don't want my insecurities to push him away because it has happened in the past.

 

There are also double standards when it comes to the both of us. He tells me he doesn't want me hanging out with males or females, but he's allowed to make friends? There's this 16 year old girl in my college class who's really nice and we take pictures together in class during our lunch breaks and we talk. MY BF flipped out and ignored me for an entire day because I spent my lunch break with her. I am 22 years old and he is accusing me of liking this 16 year old girl more than a friend. I am Bisexual and he tells me "I don't have to just worry when you're around guys, I also have to worry about other girls too. I don't want you around either of them." Keep in mind... I NEVER cheated on him. I never was unfaithful or disloyal EVER. I never would do such a thing to him. He treats me as if I'm a cheater and a liar like he is. I know his ex-girlfriend cheated on him with guys from college so I think that's why he is paranoid, but it's not fair to me.

 

I like dying my hair and dressing more darker than the average girl. I'm not goth, but I have more of a punk rock type of style. I have a lip piercing and want maybe 1 or 2 tattoos in my future. He dislikes that. He tells me it is unattractive, girls who look like me. He knew this about me before we started dating but he still wanted me even when I had a lip ring and when my hair was dyed pink and everything about my style. He has known me for YEARS and knew my interests but still wanted to jump into this relationship with me. So why is it now he is telling me he hates what I look like? I have long black hair now and have had it for years. I love it. Other people tell me they love my hair. I don't want change it right now but he insists I would look so hot and sexy if my hair was brunette with blonde in it. So I'm currently in the process of going to get my hair bleached and dyed for him because he constantly talks about it, even his family does. They say I am too dark looking. He also wants me to remove my lip ring, so when I'm with him I always take it out. He tells me "I love you for you. You don't have to remove it, but you'd look way better without it." That right there doesn't make sense to me. He refuses to kiss me if I have it in. I also gained 20 pounds since being in a relationship with him because I completely stopped going to the gym. I'm not super overweight, but I'm chubby. I have tried countless times to go back and I do end up losing weight but once he sees that he gets worried and tells me he doesn't want me at the gym. When I ask why, he says it's because other guys are there and they are gonna "look at me". Trust me, nobody looks at me when I'm at the gym. I don't even wanna talk to anyone when I"m there. After I lost 17 pounds last month he purposely bought be junk food to eat and told me he's "not gonna allow me to lose weight" because I'm gonna end up looking good and I will attract other guys he thinks. When I gain weight he will make fun of me and call me stupid names as jokes and implies that I need to go workout. It all doesn't make sense. My therapist tells me I will never win with him, nothing I ever do will be right. He just makes me feel so ugly and stupid all of the time. He insults me on everything from my face to my body, to my clothes,my interests, anything I do. He also says "I don't wanna change you, but I don't wanna be with someone so different from me." Then continues to tell me he loves me for me, says I treat him so well and do everything for him and I'm the best girl he has ever had because he feels I'm the only one who truly cared for him. "

 

 

Why are you still in this??????? This is emotional abuse, and you know it. Everyone has advised you to get out. Why don't you?

 

Stop talking about the problem, and take action!!!!!

[itsbannapple]

In no particular order

 

- Doesn't allow you to masturbate

- Is the "only one allowed to touch you," even excluding yourself

- Cheated on you

- Pressuring you to move in together exclusively for his own benefit

- Tells you to tell your friends not to even text message you while he's with you

- Doesn't let you hang out with friends, male or female

- Calls you unattractive

 

Are you still in outpatient treatment? What does your therapist have to say about all this? Your first thread alone contained enough information for you to leave him without question. Now we're on your fifth. You need to get out of this relationship, lady.

 

Yes I am still in treatment. My therapist agrees he is a controlling narcissist. Her and I both know the right thing that needs to be done. We have talked about how each time I try to leave him how he manipulates me to stay. She told me I need to stand up for myself more and be more assertive.

[Hollyj]

Yes I am still in treatment. My therapist agrees he is a controlling narcissist. Her and I both know the right thing that needs to be done. We have talked about how each time I try to leave him how he manipulates me to stay. She told me I need to stand up for myself more and be more assertive.

 

Why don't you end it???

[Ziggy123]

For everyone else posting here, I think its important to remember its not always as easy as just walking away from an abusive relatonship so please dont judge the OP.

OP please get some professional help to help you move on from this, you deserve better and if you need help getting out they can help you.

[LaHermes]

You don't TRY to leave him OP. You just up and do it. Do not hold any conversation on the matter, assertive or otherwise.

[Hollyj]

For everyone else posting here, I think its important to remember its not always as easy as just walking away from an abusive relatonship so please dont judge the OP.

OP please get some professional help to help you move on from this, you deserve better and if you need help getting out they can help you.

 

She is getting help. This is a dangerous relationship to her mental health. She knows this. She needs to get out! Advising someone to take action is not judging.

 

OP, have you asked your family to help you with this?

[LaHermes]

No one is judging, Ziggy. The OP says she sees a therapist. And it is not easy to leave an abuser, for myriad reasons. I would hope the OP has somewhere to go, a couple of family members or friends to support her, as well as the therapist.

 

It is all very well for the therapist to say stand up for yourself and be assertive. Abusers are adept at manipulating people and playing mind games.

[itsbannapple]

For everyone else posting here, I think its important to remember its not always as easy as just walking away from an abusive relatonship so please dont judge the OP.

OP please get some professional help to help you move on from this, you deserve better and if you need help getting out they can help you.

 

Thank you for this.

[Hollyj]

OP, What are you seeking from us?

[melancholy123]

This guy has a few screws loose and he's controlling you. I agree, you need to end this now. Keep on with your therapy so you dont get into another similar situation with someone else. You need to learn to stand up for yourself.

[LaHermes]

OP. you are getting excellent advice on here, and people are supportive. Also, surely your sessions with the therapist are not limited to him or her just telling you to "stand up for yourself and be assertive". Anyone could tell you that. So.....?

 

So, as Holly asked, what can we do for you.

[Hollyj]

You should have dumped him after you found out he cheated. And, how could you be with someone who removes the condom without your knowledge? Unbelievable! But, you chose to stick with this guy.

[j.man]

OP, What are you seeking from us?

This is the question of the century. No one claims it's easy for everyone to up and leave, but the fact of the matter is OP is at least partly conscious of matters, as evidenced by her accurately identifying these issues. She's also undergoing therapy, wherein both she and her therapist agree she should leave her boyfriend.

 

OP doesn't live with him and hasn't divulged any financial dependence otherwise, so given her relative physical and financial freedom alongside her apparently being pretty cognizant, I'm not sure what it is we can offer other than joining her in her in misery at the invitation of a sorta toxic ritual complaining I'd hate to see her come to depend on-- much more for the sake of her not adopting it off these forums and burning bridges when she needs them most than for any of our benefits.

 

I mean vent away, I suppose. I'd never tell someone they simply can't or shouldn't post. But at the end of the day, while I'm truly sorry she's found herself with this ***hole, no one can help someone not willing to help themselves.

[LaHermes]

That's the size of it.

 

"while I'm truly sorry she's found herself with this ***hole, no one can help someone not willing to help themselves."

[Hollyj]

This is the question of the century. No one claims it's easy for everyone to up and leave, but the fact of the matter is OP is at least partly conscious of matters, as evidenced by her accurately identifying these issues. She's also undergoing therapy, wherein both she and her therapist agree she should leave.

 

OP doesn't live with him and hasn't divulged any financial dependence otherwise, so given her relative physical and financial freedom alongside her apparently being pretty cognizant, I'm not sure what it is we can offer other than joining her in her in misery at the initiation of a sorta toxic ritual complaining I'd hate to see her come to depend on-- much more for the sake of her not adopting it off these forums and burning bridges when she needs them most than for any of our benefits.

 

I mean vent away, I suppose, but at the end of the day, while I'm truly sorry she's found herself with this ***hole, no one can help someone not willing to help themselves.

 

Totally agree! Whining and complaining about the same matter, gets you nowhere. It is also dangerous for her health, in this case.

[reinventmyself]

Totally agree! Whining and complaining about the same matter, gets you nowhere. It is also dangerous for her health, in this case.

 

People who have not been in abusive relationships don't understand the complexity as to why they got in one to begin with and why it is difficult to believe.

In the meantime, be sensitive to someone who is clearly in the process of sorting things out and finding her way. What she wants is support, not criticism.

[LaHermes]

Thing is (and I sympathise with the OP in her predicament) that this thread was opened by the Op as if a different matter entirely, and nothing to do with her several earlier threads. "Masturbating in a relationship is wrong?" Not the point here. She mentions an SO as if none of her earlier posts and information had nothing to do with anything or how highly abusive he is.

 

In fact from this thread one would even be led to assume it is an entirely different "SO" and not the individual complained of in other posts.

Red herrings do not help.

 

OP said in first ever thread on here:

 

"We both have mental health issues. I have major depression, anxiety, ocd, and ptsd. 7 months ago I started this medication called Lamictal. It's a mood stabilizer used for Bipolar Disorder. However I wasn't diagnosed as Bipolar I take it for symptoms of it such as anger, irritability, mood swings, etc"

 

Also, the OP said:

 

"We have been together for 11 months but we had been involved with eachother since we were 13-years-old"

 

So there is extensive enmeshment here as well, and the OP will need much support to disentangle herself from this awful situation.

 

And:

 

"I already cook, clean, and do everything for him. I drop what I'm doing and jump to his commands. I feel like a slave a lot of the time."

[Hollyj]

People who have not been in abusive relationships don't understand the complexity as to why they got in one to begin with and why it is difficult to believe.

In the meantime, be sensitive to someone who is clearly in the process of sorting things out and finding her way. What she wants is support, not criticism.

 

At what point does it become enabling? If we continue to coddle, and make someone a victim, I don't see how that is helpful.

 

As Jman pointed out, they do not live together, there is no financial dependence, she knows that there is a huge problem, she has discussed it repeatedly with the therapist and she is miserable with this guy. At some point, she needs to take responsibility for this, and get out.

[reinventmyself]

Seeing her first post regarding her predicament and her realizing she is actually in trouble is only a 7 days ago,

it's not like she's been asking for help for the same thing for months now.

From where I sit and you don't have to agree with me, she is in the process of flushing all things out and bouncing things off of other people

and no, no coddling is necessary. Support maybe.

 

If she's here month from now complaining about the same thing and not doing anything about it then yes, then you can lose your patience and tell her to quit whining.