Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue! HELP

[lcvolley]

So my boyfriend just broke up with me two days after getting back from our first vacation. He is from Arkansas and I am from Texas, but we are both seniors at a college in Arkansas. He had a crush on me for months and was always too nervous to talk to me. Finally after 8 months of liking me and asking other people about me, he finally let it be known that he was into me. We dated for two months and I felt like I had found the love of my life. He was exactly what I was looking for. He brought up the future and said he wanted to come to Texas with me after we graduated. He told his best friend "if this girl isn’t the one, I don't know who is", and said many other things to me during our relationship about how I was perfect for him. He seemed to be just as crazy about me as I was about him. I am wanting to do at least two more years of graduate school in the medical field, and I have planned on doing that in Texas. I hadn't been concerned since he initiated a conversation about wanting to move down there with me. A day before our trip, he found out he got into a 3 year graduate program at our school. He knows I was planning on graduating in December and moving back to Texas afterwards. I was so happy for him, and then we went on our trip for a week and had a great time. On the trip, he mentioned feeling homesick for Arkansas, which was a little strange. Anyhow, after we returned from the trip, he texted me saying "its weird that we never discussed what getting into the program means for us" and almost as a joke I said, "you still want to see me right?" and he said he wasnt sure. Then suddenly, he said he wanted to break up with me because he didn't want to do a long distance relationship. I was so shocked. I told him we weren't in a long distance relationship and that we might never be and that we hadn't even discussed this at all! He just said "i know it'll end up being like that and I can't do it. I'm sorry but this is my decision." I asked "do you really really like me?" and he said "yes". I asked "if i was going to be a teacher, or something to where I could easily stay here in Arkansas, would you still want to continue to date me?" and again he said "yes." He just said he couldn't ask me to change my plans about Texas, and he couldn't do long distance and that was it. I asked him repeatedly if there was ANY other reason than the impending distance and he said "no". This came so out of the blue and we had never even talked about anything or even tried to find a solution with me. He doesn’t know that on our trip, I stayed awake one night and looked at medical school programs in Arkansas and would be willing to stay there to be with him during his program. It has been three days of no contact. Did he just freak out about school and feel overwhelmed by everything? Or feel freaked out about leaving Arkansas at some point? I am so confused and heartbroken. Please help!

[Ziggy123]

Im so sorry that you are hurting

 

Maybe you really have to take him at his word, he doesn't think long distance will work, but he also doesnt want either of you to have to give up your programs.

 

I'm not sure what is the best thing to do here but maybe see if he is not willing to come to a compromise? If he is not then maybe he is just not into the relationship enough. Sorry

[lcvolley]

Thank you for your response. I am just wondering if possibly he freaked out because our relationship moved very quickly over the course of two months and his acceptance into the program was very sudden and unexpected. He had already accepted a 1 year program and was excited about it and then he suddenly got off the waitlist for this 3 year program. He talked to his best friend about job opportunities in Dallas (where I'm from), and mentioned to me several times about living in Texas with me. I just don't know how he feelings could have flipped that fast and not even attempted to talk to me and come up with a solution. I am absolutely devastated over this. We both said many times throughout the relationship that we thought each other was the one. I am just so confused.

[lcvolley]

He is a very old-fashioned guy, and I think the pace at which our relationship moved wasn't really who he is and how he does things deep down. Its not how I usually am either. I think we just let our emotions get the best of us. I feel like he is in his own head and needs time to process everything. I just don't know how much time to give him before I try to talk to him.

[Ziggy123]

I think most people will say to give him space and let him come to you after a break up. He will surely miss you and will hopefully reach out. just try to keep it cool and dont do any begging or anything like that

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I understand what you're going through...I went through the exact same thing with my now ex bf. There was a lot of back and forth emotional show down leading up to my leaving for my hometown for my internship. I wanted to stay together, he didn't want to do LDR. Told him I was 110% committed. He said no. Until our last weekend together before I left, he said he wanted to try.

 

I haven't been gone 2 weeks and we're already broken up. The thing is, I don't think he ever believed we were going to work out. He probably just wanted to say he wanted to try, but in reality, he was just biding his time until he got used to my absence.

 

I finally had to break up with him yesterday. I just felt like his communication was dropping off on purpose to irritate me, and didn't have the guts to tell me he didn't want to "try" anymore. I was so exhausted and just emotionally drained that I didn't even want to fight it anymore.

 

So, just be prepared to deal with something similar if you're thinking about "fighting" for your relationship. To be honest, though, I wish I hadn't agreed to "try" it with someone who never had faith the LDR would work from the get go. Sounds like your guy is in the same mindset.

 

I'll be here, listening how your relationship unfolds. I hope the outcome will be better than mine.

[lcvolley]

What do you think about me contacting him two weeks after the break up..saying i acknowledge our relationship moved too fast and asking to meet up again in another week or two for coffee to see how we feel about each other at that point?

[lcvolley]

I begged initially on the phone when he was breaking up with me, but told him "good luck in school and thank you for the past two months." and we haven't spoken since then. That was Thursday morning. He doesn't know that I'm going back up to our school on Wednesday for an internship. He is there working so we will be in the same place again.

[glitterfingers]

I can see two possibilities for what's happened.

 

One is that he was never all the way in and felt that you were more serious than he was, and thus that he couldn't sustain what you guys had without being untrue to either you or himself. It's possible that you both felt a bit of that, so acknowledging it is perfectly okay.

 

The other is that things were moving too fast and he expected things to stay perfect, and the fact that he's been faced with a genuine obstacle was not something he considered could/should happen in the "ideal" situation. What you need to do here is be very clear on what you want, rather than asking questions and expecting him to guess what you want and whether you'd be willing to stay in Arkansas for a graduate degree. If he doesn't know that you were seriously looking at those options, then he probably feels that the relationship can't truly work unless he's willing to compromise on his dreams.

 

I would explain to him very clearly that you want to be with him and are willing to work hard to make that happen, even if that means staying in Arkansas, and that you'd rather be with him and cross those bridges when you get to them. Do not ask him "is that what you want?" or "do you still want to see me?" because you don't need his validation...he will show you what he wants through his actions, that's all that matters at this stage right? Asking those questions can be a bit intimidating anyway, because you are expecting him to answer you...when you want someone to make a decision and communicate with you more, you are better off making your own position known very clearly and then creating a safe space for them to contribute if/when they are ready.

 

It does sound like a rash decision, so just take things easy and don't assume he is gone until he shows you beyond a doubt that he is.

[MissCanuck]

What do you think about me contacting him two weeks after the break up..saying i acknowledge our relationship moved too fast and asking to meet up again in another week or two for coffee to see how we feel about each other at that point?

 

Don't do this, no.

 

Unless he actually came out and said it moved too fast, you're making an assumption.

 

My guess is he does have other reasons in addition to the potential distance, but all you can really do is take him at his word that he doesn't want to continue the relationship at this time.

 

What's his dating and relationship history like?

[glitterfingers]

Don't do this, no.

 

Unless he actually came out and said it moved too fast, you're making an assumption.

 

My guess is he does have other reasons in addition to the potential distance, but all you can really do is take him at his word that he doesn't want to continue the relationship at this time.

 

What's his dating and relationship history like?

 

This was my thought too. But then I considered that they're both likely quite young with not a huge amount of relationship history, so it is possible that he's got some assumptions/expectations about how relationships ought to be that don't match reality. It didn't sound like they had issues before this and he agreed to take a vacation, so there must have been at least a few compelling reasons for him to be with her. He may have other reasons, or may just be in over his head.

[lcvolley]

Hello! Thanks for responding. His relationship history....one 3 year relationship....2 of those 3 years were distances and it ended badly. My relationship history...one 2 year relationship..one of those years was distance and it did not end super well either. When he was breaking up with me he said "i cant do distance. neither of us have good track records there." So i said that we weren't currently in a LDR and we may never be. I brought up medical programs close to where he'll be and as i said earlier, he just said, "i cant ask you to change your plans, and I cannot do distance."

 

Also, one of the things that initiated the breakup conversation was I had asked him "is this whole thing moving too fast?" and he said, " A little. We never even talked about me getting into this program and what that means for us which is kinda weird." Then thats when I jokingly said "well you still want to see me right?" and he said he wasnt sure and then suddenly he freaked out and went from saying it was moving "a little" too fast, to breaking up with me.

 

It was like he thought it was weird we didn't talk about it on our trip..but I just assumed it didn't need to be discussed that quickly..plus being on our trip, I was just trying to enjoy our time together and not talk about something so stressful like that. Plus I didn't want to take away from his moment of being excited and make it all about myself. That didn't seem fair to him. Plus he had told me about it literally the day I left Texas to go meet him in Arkansas for our trip. I just assumed we'd discuss it then next time we met up in June, and I already knew how committed I was to staying in Arkansas, but again I just didn't even really think it was necessary to mention. But i don't know if he thought I purposefully avoided talking about it because he assumed it made me unsure of him or he assumed that it would change things for me? I have no clue at this point.

 

It also seems illogical that he said it was moving "a little" too fast, yet thought it was weird we hadn't discussed the future. It was like he just freaked out. When I left his house two days prior to the breakup, he had been loving and kind to me...been joking around with me..kissed me several times...it just seems like if this had been something he had genuinely thought about for a long time, he would have acted differently towards me than he did. It is like he decided this in the middle of our conversation.

 

Since the beginning of May he had been home in Arkansas and I had been in Texas and he would tell me all the time that he missed me and how much he wanted me to come back up to Arkansas for the summer. Our trip was lots of fun...no problems there. He told me how much fun he had and he was glad we went. When he was breaking up with me he said it had nothing to do with the trip and that it was "purely this distance thing"

[glitterfingers]

Maybe he feels like things were too intense and he was looking for any excuse to slow things down. I've done that before and didn't realise I was looking for an out until later on. So probably best you give him space and follow up with him in a couple of weeks. You can reinforce then that you'd be willing to stay if it came down to that, and that you agree things might have been a bit too pressured/forced at the start. I don't know what else you can do as he seems to be reacting to a whole lot of conflicting emotions.

[lcvolley]

I agree that things were too intense for being two months into a relationship. We both just went full steam ahead because we both felt so incredibly excited about each other. I think he just became overwhelmed at how fast everything in his life was moving and he became overwhelmed and maybe even insecure about his ability to deal with it all.

 

As I said, he's a very old-fashioned guy. Gets the car door for me every single time type of guy...I think how fast we moved physically and mentally in terms of the future, isn't how he normally is or would want to do things. I'm the same way. Both of our emotions seemed to be so incredibly strong that we just acted purely on those, which was a mistake on both of our parts.

[MissCanuck]

The critical point for me would be that he didn't ask to slow things down or even talk about what the future could look like. He just opted to end it. He didn't try to work it out or discuss ways to continue dating.

 

That, to me, suggests he'd already made up his mind before the actual conversation happened. Perhaps he got overwhelmed. Perhaps he's having doubts for other reasons he didn't disclose. Perhaps he's met someone local or a past interest resurfaced. Whatever the reason, his decision to leap to a break-up indicates he's unfortunately not ready for something serious. Someone who is on the same page as you and wants to keep you in his life doesn't break up as the first option.

 

My experience has taught me that if someone wants to bail that abruptly, it's better not to try to reason with them. They've got their own stuff to sort through and likely aren't suitable candidates for something long-term. I would not contact him for a while; he knows how you feel and that long-distance was only a possibility, not a definite. His willingness to end it all over a "maybe" is pretty telling, I'm afraid.

[glitterfingers]

Whatever the reason, his decision to leap to a break-up indicates he's unfortunately not ready for something serious.

 

That was another thought I had but one that I didn't deliberate on. When someone backs away that suddenly they weren't ever fully in from the start, and likely not ready for how things developed. It doesn't mean his feelings weren't real.

 

I don't think it hurts to try and talk to him in a couple weeks when he's calmed down, but MissCanuck makes some compelling points

[lcvolley]

I can understand and accept that he's not yet ready for something serious, and I think yes, things developed differently than either of us planned. I know for a fact that I will talk to him in a few weeks when I'm in a better emotional state and I hope he will be as well, and just present my side for him to take it or leave it. I know trying to reason or understand is not the way to approach this. This was too special to not try one last time. Then at least I'll know I did every thing I could. I am just wondering how many weeks I should wait...is 2 too soon? Maybe 3 weeks from the breakup would be better.

 

 

I just don't know why on the phone he would've said "yes" when asking if he really really liked me and answered "yes" to if he would still want to see me if I was going to be a teacher or something. Like at that point, just be honest. I don't know, and maybe I will never understand. Its just a devastating feeling.

[lcvolley]

I really appreciate the responses I've gotten so far. If anyone else has any additional perspective, I'd appreciate hearing it.

[MissCanuck]

Dumpers will often say things to try to "soften" the blow, telling the dumpee they still love them or miss them and so on. It doesn't mean the feelings weren't genuine at some point, but it's important not to take the sweet things said while being dumped too seriously. He likely didn't want to hurt you more and misguidedly thought saying nice things was a kind way to make his departure.

 

I don't think that waiting 21 instead of 14 days to make contact is going to change the outcome, to be honest. It's certainly not wrong to want to say your piece but if you'd be reaching out only to talk reconciliation, it likely won't yield the desire results.

[chitown9]

I would, like you, want to have a heart to heart talk with him. I would want to get to the heart of the matter of what it is with him, and I would tell him that. Whether it be as an attempt to bring you together or not, or to get closure....you need this talk. At least you may get a better answer from him and....I am wondering if he has commitment issues. The reason is this is the pattern. They jump all in quickly, and then as the relationship progresses, they start feeling uncomfortable because of the intensity of the relationship, then they bail. If he talks nonsense when you have the talk, and you are confused as ever, i would be willing to bet that he has commitment issues. People with commitment issues give ridiculous reasons for breaking up. You will learn something from the talk, that is for sure. chi

[May10]

I can understand and accept that he's not yet ready for something serious, and I think yes, things developed differently than either of us planned. I know for a fact that I will talk to him in a few weeks when I'm in a better emotional state and I hope he will be as well, and just present my side for him to take it or leave it. I know trying to reason or understand is not the way to approach this. This was too special to not try one last time. Then at least I'll know I did every thing I could. I am just wondering how many weeks I should wait...is 2 too soon? Maybe 3 weeks from the breakup would be better.

 

 

I just don't know why on the phone he would've said "yes" when asking if he really really liked me and answered "yes" to if he would still want to see me if I was going to be a teacher or something. Like at that point, just be honest. I don't know, and maybe I will never understand. Its just a devastating feeling.

 

Yeah take some time and be in a better emotional state before you contact him again. It just hurts to go through rejection again if he doesn't respond to you the way he want.

 

I am also in same situation where I am waiting to contact him after giving each other some time. We were dating for almost 2 months (long distance since end of last September), he was planning to visit me but all off sudden he broke up. We were having normal conversation until I asked him about his tickets to come here. He didn't give me any reason for breakup except that he feels we are drifting apart and I deserve someone better. I begged and cried and asked him to reconsider but he said he is certain of his decision. It is not a rash decision and he has not been happy recently. I just meet him a month ago and we were happy so I couldn't understand what changed. Here is full story

 

Well I was mad at him and asked him how he can just leave me without trying to fix what's wrong etc. I called after two days again asking him to reconsider or atleast meet me once. He said meeting won't change his mind so it's useless. He started to get annoyed and wanted to hang up because he felt that the conversation was not going anywhere. I told him it was okay I accept that he is sure about his decision but I still want to meet you once in person so I can move on. He said he cannot see me right now but to give him some time and space and he will consider it but not to accept much.

 

It was his birthday 3days after break up and I wished him happy birthday. He replied saying thank you. All my gifts I ordered before breakup was being delivered so he kept messaging me after he received my gifts saying thank you. He again after a week of breakup messages me to wish for my half marathon which we were supposed to do together. We messaged back and forth for 3 days and he stopped messaging back. I have been doing NC since then. Today is 8th day of NC.

 

I have been trying to think what went wrong and I have realized my own mistakes. I was being too clingy and impatient about long distance. He was having stress from work which I realized he kept mentioning to me during text but I didn't pay much attention. They were laying people off at work and he is new there so he was very stressed. I should have asked him to cancel plans of not coming here but I kept annoying him to buy his tickets and come fast.

 

Hopefully after few more weeks once I am more stable I will call him up to see if he has considered meeting me like he said he will and to let him know that I am sorry for pushing him. Everyday I feel like I want to call him but I stop it because I want to respect his request of giving his time. Plus if he does t reply back to me or tell him he doesn't want to meet him, right now I can't handle that rejection again and will probably go back to how I was after the break up.

[chitown9]

I wonder if the OP even read my last post? chi

[lcvolley]

I did read it! I'm in agreement with you. No matter which way it goes, I need a face to face conversation. Going on 7 days NC. I just moved back up to Arkansas and we are in the same town again. I am going to ask him to meet up next Wednesday to share my thoughts for 10-15 minutes. I want to say my piece, tell him I have an open heart and open mind to the situation, and try to do my best to create a safe space for him to communicate to me.

[MissCanuck]

I think I would only ask him to meet if you feel you can handle him saying no or dodging you. Of course, he might agree, but prepare yourself for the alternative as well.

[lcvolley]

At this point, he either genuinely doesn't care, or he's just too scared to talk to me. If he doesn't care...then he probably wasn't the person I thought he was. In terms of being scared to talk to me...this is the same guy who had to drum up courage for over 6 months just to have a random conversation with me, and then not talk to me for another 3 weeks and finally started asking around to others if I had a boyfriend before it got back to me and I realized he was interested in me in that way. Then at that point I approached him and expressed interest and we started hanging out. So we'll see.