Is it an emotional affair?

[MrsBrightsid3]

Greetings to whomever may come across this discussion. I am at the end of my rope. I need to know if It's just me or is their truly an issue here. My husband is not a social person in any way, and he is not good with expressing emotions. So it bothers me as to why he is in heavy contact with a female associate. Who "had" feelings for him. They work 3rd shift together. She will text him (she always initiates the conversation) they will text for hrs on end. For several days...maybe 2 days tops out the week they may not speak. She also calls him from time to time and they then proceed to have hour long convos (I know this because this whole ordeal has brought out the worst in me and I've snooped on his phone...I know it's wrong) She will ask to see him during their work shift, and very briefly before my husbands shift. I have expressed greatly why this bothers me. My husband says he has no emotional attachment to her, that'd they'd never ever be together and if she has feelings it's on her to deal with them because he's a married man. He never tells her to back off he says he doesn't care who is in contact with him, if they talk for however many days or for how long. He thinks if he isn't doing anything physical or telling her he wants to be with her it's fine. This woman is constantly seeking my husbands attention he is her emotional crutch she vents to him all the time and wants to understand all their is to know about him, she has said she can't lose him that she could not bare it if she did, and wants to talk and be connected to him some way. I had confronted the woman and came out the bad guy in it all...what's worse my husband had the gull to make sure she was ok told her that w/e I did was pretty much my fault and I should not of gotten her involved in our mess (we argue a lot about her, though my husband doesn't see her as the issue I am the issue) So is it me?....is she the friend he always needed (I use friend as the only way to describe it my husband says he has no friends and wants it that way) Is she an outlet that helps him and I should let them be? Or am I just being a damn fool trying to rationalize the ugly truth?

[Heavy]

Wow, your husband needs to cut all ties regardless of what he thinks and says. She is trying to get your husband and he should listen to your concerns as to how it makes you feel.

[Ziggy123]

i think emotional cheating is a bit more grey area, but essentially if you consider it cheating then it is cheating I would say. Also its concerning how he is not respecting you asking him to stop contacting her so much and it seems like maybe he could have some feelings for her.

 

It is tricky because the more you argue about it with him, the more it will push him towards her by venting to her about the relationship and making her seem like the one he wants to go to for advice. I would probably try backing off a bit and giving him more space, and maybe try improving your relationship in other ways - spending more time together doing fun things, more sex, etc. and see if that helps at all. You want him to remember why he is with you (if he is in fact interested in her).

 

It's hard because I also dont want you to get walked all over so you should have your boundaries as well, which you have clearly said that you aren't comfortable with what is going on. If you both keep fighting about this topic then might be good to see if he is open to couples counseling.

[MrsBrightsid3]

I have asked him to do this before which he did for a month but was very upset that I was the type of woman to ask that of him. I have caged my husband apparently and he felt like he couldn't breathe....I am not trying to hold my husband back but this eats me up inside, I've truly become quite the ugly person because of all this. He says I'm his one and only that when we are together it's me who has his attention but I feel when my back is turned it's her who has him.

[MrsBrightsid3]

Sage advice Ziggy, I can back off pray that things will get better. Focus on just him and I, It's just trying to let things go is my problem. I don't want to be no pushover and I don't want to lose my husband.

[Ziggy123]

It is definitely a possibility that he could be interested in her and either entering into the beginning of an affair or considering his options from what you have said. The tough thing is you cannot change his mind. If that is how he feels then you acting more controlling (in his mind) could push him away more.

 

I wonder if you could talk to a mutual friend about it who can talk some sense into him? He needs to wake up and see this isn't ok but if this is indeed an emotional affair he is not thinking clearly right now

[MrsBrightsid3]

As I've said he has no freinds. He talked it over with a co-worker and he said that it's childs play pretty much, that he sees no issue that it's laughable and my husband seems like a saint considering that he's done worse and has had several affairs mind you he's slept with said woman while in a relationship.

[Ziggy123]

Hmm well from your perspective I guess you have a couple options going forwards that I can think of

 

1) Not bring it up anymore and focus on improving your relationship and choose to trust him until otherwise notified

2) Say if he doesn't stop talking to her then you will leave, but that is really risky especially if there is nothing going on between them

3) Stay together and start becoming paranoid about it, asking about it and checking his phone and whatnot which is a bad situation for both of you

 

It is up to you really as you know him and the relationship. I really hope he is not cheating and it really is innocent so try not to jump to conclusions unless you have proof

[MrsBrightsid3]

I would like the 1st option. I am trying as best I can to deal with this which doesn't help my side with how many emotional blowups I've had over the issue. I wouldn't mind as much if they didn't talk as much as they do which is pretty much everyday on weekends too while I'm in bed. He says if she's up and he's up (again the work the 3rd shift) that he'll respond when she messages him he has nothing to do other wise, and other thing she said she was in love with him...but now she has put aside her romantic feelings (a month has cured her of her love for him it's now "platonic")

[Ziggy123]

She is definitely in love with him thats a lie

 

Is he texting her while in bed with you? Or do you go to bed earlier and he is in another room

[MrsBrightsid3]

no she knows the times he's up. I go to bed earlier I work in the mornings. So they talk when I'm asleep, or when they are at work, or when I am at work. When I'm home it's him and I and our kid. When I'm not around it's her

[Ziggy123]

i'm so sorry you are going through this stress and totally understand why you are upset at him

 

i wonder if he really just needs some friends? as you said he doesnt have any and he seems to be looking towards her as a friend, but truth is she sounds like she doesnt want to be friends with him..

[MrsBrightsid3]

I've thought of maybe for him she is a distraction, or entertainment of some sort. Someone to help him deal with the stress of their work because of the dangers and situations they get put into on a daily basis. Being in that type of work environment they understand each other in that sense. I feel she wants more, or that she can't quit him, that she is too heavily invested in MY husband. She has told me other wise and got upset as I was presuming to know how she felt....which I feel is a lie. When she writes him saying things like he makes her days better, or that she wants to be connected and to talk to him....or when she gets emotional when my husband talks about me and says random stuff like "it's ok, you made your choice I'm used to it" stuff like that It sends me in a rage. She doesn't think the frequency of the contact they have is an issue...like if no one says outright lets be together or anything of that nature or a sexual nature it's all well and good. It like a gnawing feeling I can't shake nothing about this is sitting well with me.

[SherrySher]

And you allow this? They are relying on each other and getting closer and closer. She is in love with him and is slowly taking him from you bit by bit.

He cares more about her feelings now, then yours. I am absolutely astounded that he apologised to HER for your behaviour. That right there proved who's feelings matter to him. I bet she gloated over that one and felt pretty proud of herself that you were put in your place while she still gets to carry on with your husband.

This is not normal on any level, okay? She has no right to your husband and he has no right to be allowing a woman into his life to this degree.

You are being played a fool.

Stop is now, or watch her walk away with your husband.

[Ziggy123]

Yes she is definitely not respecting your relationship, and your husband isnt really either. If you really want to work it out with your husband he is going to have to show that you are more important than her.

[SherrySher]

This woman has zero respect for you. She wants your man, end of story. She will do whatever she can to stay close to him and to manipulate and to become emotionally closer to him.

It's clear as day as to what she is doing.

Your husband isn't stopping it because he enjoys it, he wants her around. He is confiding in her and is also getting closer to her.

This is going to end very badly for you.

[MrsBrightsid3]

I have talked I have yelled, I have Screamed out my lungs to him. I have been face to face with this woman, I have texted her. I am the out of control insane wife in all this. I don't agree with them but I have exhausted myself in every way trying to get my point across. I am seen on the wrong. Sherry I and physically breaking down and emotional already emotionally broken. Ziggy he says I am above all else #1 when he is with me I have him and only him....but he does't get it. When it's not me it's her.

[MrsBrightsid3]

I think that everyday now that it will end bad and I will be seen as the person who let it go to ruins

[SherrySher]

What you need to do is not keep allowing them to break you down. You have only one option left here. You and your child leave the situation. Let him know that you are not playing. He is choosing her everytime he scrambles to respond to her.

She is a b**** straight out. She knows what she is doing and she knows she is ruining things. She wants to do that. But your husband is allowing it.

You are not the out of control insane wife, no woman in her right mind would be okay with her husband acting this way with another woman.

I do not give a crap what lies your husband tells you...he is in the wrong and she is in the wrong. They should not be running to each other daily like this.

 

She has already admitted being in love with him. He knows exactly whats what.

You have admitted yourself that you have cried, screamed and so on. All you can do now is take care of yourself and your child and get out of this very toxic situation.

This is not innocent and it is not okay. They are in the wrong, not you.

Put your foot down and tell him she has to go now or you will. You have no other choice here. If you sit back and let it continue, you will lose out anyhow. She has him and she will get even closer to him. It will not stop.

The only thing you have left is to tell him you are out. He should be ashamed of himself for treating his wife this way for a manipulative witch.

[Ziggy123]

If it is really hurting your health then you need to do something. Maybe you need to get some space from each other? Please take care of yourself, maybe get into a counselor just for you if you can afford it? Ideally you would both go but if he doesnt want to go you can still go on your own.

 

Obviously the yelling and fighting is not working so even though you are furious try to take a breather and maybe that can help? Or like I said do something special just the two of you? I really hope this works out well for you

[MrsBrightsid3]

I have considered walking away even loving him still, even knowing what marriage and commitment truly mean to me. What loyalty and fidelity that I've given (That he swears he gives me too cause they have not done anything physical and has told her he does not feel anything for her) But yeah I am mess. I try to suppress it but it all spills out like an erupting volcano. I am terrified of disappointing my child the heartache I will cause him. I pray this works out in some way but the reality of it all seems pretty damn bleak .

[Heavy]

Look I know what you are going through but I only once said something and got the we are just friends line. In the end I couldn't trust, I was not sleeping and it effected other parts of my life with my children from a previous marriage.

 

I sometimes wish i had spoken up more but hey in the end she left me for him and it took me sometime to sort myself out knowing I was never going to get the real truth as to what was going on (emotional to physical affair, which I know for a fact).

 

Put yourself and your child first and get away from this toxic and stressful situation.

[SherrySher]

He is a fool if he thinks that just because he is not sleeping with her that is not cheating. A person falls in love with another person through the mind and heart, not the sex.

 

He is allowing her close to him and relying on her, as she relies on him and does not want to see her life with out him. It is, wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

His loyalty first and foremost is to you and your child. He knows this woman is in love with him and he knows that it bothers you. Out of respect alone never mind those two factors, if he were a decent man, he would have told her to back off ages ago.

 

This is your husbands problem, not yours. He is not respecting you and not respecting your marriage. He knows better, but he just would rather keep her close.

[MrsBrightsid3]

I mean I asked straight up asked him....hell I told them both they could frolic into a goddamn rainbow together. If I am not what is desired leave me......If she is something to you be a man about it just tell me. I don't care how much it'll hurt me. I want the truth. If he had any desire for her I will let him lead his life how he wants I will be no part of it though. buuuut no I am letting some "blonde girl" defeat me. He doesn't want her never has never will....blah blah blah. I just tired of it all. I have lowered myself as a person in all this. It's sad, I am embarrassed.

[SherrySher]

He doesn't want her but talks to her every day and they confide in each other. It's not right.

It's one thing to have a good friend, but even good friends do not run to each other every day, but the key thing here is, she is in love with him. They are both lying if they pretend that doesn't exist.